The key to setting yourself free!

Almost 2 months ago I last wrote a blog making a statement that I was changing myself for the better. In that time, I have accomplished this task. In doing so, I've been able to drop all heavy burdens from my life.

And for the first time, I feel free. And I mean literally. I stopped making excuses. I made change. I took action.

I read some books on psychology to help me divulge the problems internally. The things I didn't like about myself: being a whiner, being "heartbroken", lacking confidence without reason, feeling that my life is worthless and really the biggest thing of all, being my own worst enemy.

I focused on changing these things without even listing them. I knew down inside what my problems were.

So starting from nothing, I started reading different philosophies on "love". Since I've stated so many times to myself, and convinced so many people that "I can't get over Sarah", I knew the first step to moving on in my life was completely deracinating myself from her.

The book broke it down like this: Love is a chemical reaction that we can't explain physically. The only people who make ourselves fall in love, is us. It's a psychological trick. When you're with someone, it's like "oh cool, so much fun", but sometimes when you're without them, and you aren't doing anything, or you're with a different 'someone', your mind plays tricks on you and overvalues the memory or taste of the person you "love". It's a mental state.

For example: Since I currently work as a busdriver, and I drive in the Hamptons, it takes me about an hour to drive to where the kids live. That's 4 hours a day I spend driving. That's a lot of time where my mind has non-stimulation to think about how "alone I feel". But when I do something constructive, something that requires time effort and thought, I don't ever think about it.

So really, do I "love" someone that I only think about when I'm bored and feeling alone? Once I asked this question to myself, I realized that I didn't love her. I just wanted something that I didn't currently have.

So do I still believe in love? Of course. But not in the terms I had been using it. All the words I used to describe how I felt about Sarah weren't love. They were my mind playing tricks on me. Once I came to this realization, I broke the chains. Because it's true. It can't be love if a person doesn't love you back.

I thank God that I realized this. I was feeling miserable being "in love" with the girl. Love, or any feeling like it, sure, it has it's ups and downs, but more than anything else, it should be a mutual feeling that has ups that outweigh the downs. The thought of somebody should make you happy, not make you feel pain, nor make you feel "want" in a bad way.

And when I started feeling like I had no friends, I realized something: I can make new friends any night, any time, any place whenever I choose. I put this theory into action. I went out for a few weeks in a row. I met girls, dudes, and I had a great time. I was under the impression "girls don't like me anymore". The fact is, I had demons inside of me that I had to knock down before anyone could reasonably find me attractive. I can easily be the life of the party, and I proved it to myself. I can easily make friends at any point in my life.

And the whole "lacking confidence/feeling my life was worthless" was pretty much caused by the failure of "SUMMERS LAST WAVE". It was my "dream", right? And I failed, right?

Sure. But I gave it a shot. And now, for the rest of my life, I will never say "What if". And I learned something. In the end, the rockstar thing wasn't my dream. It was my "dream" due to spite: I wanted to make everyone who "screwed me over" to regret it when I became famous. But as I get older, I realized was a stupid dream that is. It's better that I didn't become a rockstar. That's not the life I want.

I want adventure. But not in the shallow emotional way. I don't want to be dead inside. Not every "rockstar" is, but fame can have it's price. Do I want to sacrifice who I am for that? No. And I'm glad I'm here.

Thinking about the failure of the band, thinking about my failures in life and thinking that "I'm 26, I have my whole life in front of me, and I have time to change" completely changed my outlook.

And now I'm optimistic. Now I believe that things will be getting better: I still have a cartoon I'm putting together, there still is a possibility I can have a source of revenue to continue making albums, I'm heading back to school in the fall and I've found the key to setting myself free from the pain, the hurt and the emotional pitfalls my mind let me fall into.

It's all mental: If mentality stands above chemical reactions in your heart (emotions), you can easily destroy any emotional pain if your mind is strong enough. It takes work, but my mind has that power now.

After this "escape" from the pain, I asked myself "What if she calls me? What if she says hello? Will I still get all emotional, and jump into recidivism?" I didn't think much about it. And about a week ago, she left me a comment on facebook. But when I saw her name in my notifications, it didn't phase me at all. I felt nothing. I didn't care. It was as if any other girl who I have no interest in left me a message: just another friend saying hello.

That proved it to myself. And now, everything painful in my past is gone. I had a discussion the other day with someone who is on the OPPOSITE side of the political spectrum as me, and I didn't get emotional or angry. In fact, I just focused on our similarities, instead of our differences, and it earned me her respect. She even said "I'll introduce you to my daughter"! That made me laugh. I feel like every negative emotion has flown out of me, and I'm ready to become the man I was born to be.

So what is that? What man am I supposed to be?

Well, the answer is still undefined. All I know is I want to get back west. Home to sweet San Diego. I love my parents, and hey, I love New Yorkers, but nothing beats the colors and sunshine and weather of good ol' California.

And I've decided to evaluate my academic strengths, and I realized there is an EXTREMELY lucrative career that I can easily attain: Engineering. Perhaps chemical engineering. It requires strengths in science and math, which for me, is like being read a Dr. Seuss novel haha. But it's a job in high demand, and it starts at 67K-80K a year.

So what's the plan from here? Next semester pay off all my remaining debt while taking pre calculus 1/2 at school (I'm doing it so I can take Calculus and Physics the next semester). Oh, and I have my car back. And I paid off all debt I owed to Vudu. When I get paid Friday, it will be the first paycheck I've made in almost 2 years that I can do whatever I want with the money. And that's an awesome feeling. 3 months ago I was almost 14k in debt, and now it's gone. How did I do it? MAGIC! Haha : D

So take a lesson from me if you read this. I don't know how many of my facebook/myspace friends click on this link! If you choose to change your life for the better, you can do it, but it's all about will power. Focus on the positives even in the negative times, and guess what? You'll get through it, and you'll be stronger in the end.