This isn't how it was supposed to go

Letter I wrote to my music managers

"Dear __________,

To be honest, I don't know anybody who could fill in for this band. My friend said he'd do it, but then it turned out he could only turn up himself (bass) and a guitarist. The pro musician/ex-producer is way too expensive as far his band goes. I don't have the connections to establish this. I've been working two jobs to pay off my bills.

I'm not going to lie, I really am starting to feel as if we're accomplishing nothing. I understand what you guys originally said, that you wouldn't offer me a contract unless you could do something for me, and it took a year before we got to that point, which was awesome. But I'm guessing Michelle wasn't digging the cartoon, and that this reality show isn't going to happen. In all cases, it's okay, I understand how life works. Sometimes things happen, sometimes they don't. But if those two outlets are fruitless, where does that leave us?

Don't get me wrong, I do love working with you guys, but what am I supposed to do at this point? Start putting the cartoon on YouTube? Play acoustic shows? Pay you guys .20 for every $1 I make if/when people decide to buy something? I feel that if we go the band route, unless there is some sort of extravagant plan behind it, it's going to be something I just continue to lose money on.

When we talked about it, you guys said something like "we'll set up a show, and you bring 100 people". The number intimidated me because to be totally honest, I barely have any fucking friends. I have acquaintances. I'm a total asshole to people, it's hard for me to be nice and caring and fake like these cocksucking bullshit "rock" bands nowadays. I can't even keep a straight face when I drink black coffee, how the hell can I be expected to keep a straight face when I'm kissing the ass of some fat ass fan girl when her muffin top is glistening with the sweating beads of cellulite? I had the idea that being in a rock band was about attitude, not giving a fuck. The industry now is about "peace and love". I'm sorry, but fuck that shit. The only way to be "controversial" is to make fun of rednecks or Jesus, but if you make fun of Muslims, or certain races, it's "racism/hate". I hate the stupid double standard these fucking idiots have.

We got this contract done in late September, and I remember sometime in August you guys saying to me "Freddy, we hope in 6 months we're calling you while you're in LA and your career is going awesome". That really doesn't appear to be the likely case anymore. And as I said above, I totally understand. I know you guys are busy, and I know you guys have a life too. Originally, I was supposed to kind of "sit and wait" until we found out about the cartoon and/or reality show. But since both of those dreams seem to be extinguished, doesn't this put us back to February, when you guys had a meeting with me and said "Freddy, we're not interested in working with you unless you have a band"?

I mean bro, I have so much fucking music, and so many people fucking love it, and it kills me that I can't even play acoustic shows, or open mics. I'm going to be 27 in a month, and a year ago you guys told me to work on the cartoon. In that year, it seems like we've gone absolutely nowhere. And once again, I don't regret it man. I put 6 months of my life into that cartoon, and I took a shot that we could make it into something. It turns out, that if it will ever be anything, it will have to be an underground project without the assistance of the stupid fucking music industry. This is why they keep losing money. They can't stay ahead of the times, they only invest in projects that appear to have a following (because a singer is "cute"), and nobody fucking gives a shit anymore because it's all been done before.

I keep thinking about when you guys tried playing my CD for the dude at Universal, which he refused to listen to, and he said "What's their Twitter following? What's their myspace following...etc?" Clearly, it's a real fucking smart business method considering the only ability these companies have lately is the ability to make fractions of the cash they used to pull in. It's like they say "Beauty fades...dumb is forever". It's the same thing with music, except these jackass executives don't realize: "Beauty fades, songwriters will write good music when they're 40, 50, 60 and 70". Where the fuck do they think Katy Perry will be in 10 years? How about Ke$ha? What about these douche bag dime-a-dozen rap artists that put out 1 "club" hit, and then fade into oblivion?

I'm just sick of having my dreams shut down. I have to face reality bro: This will only ever be a hobby of mine. I will never make millions doing it. Do I have the capability? Of course. But labels don't want to take a fucking chance on something anymore. And if that's the case, they can all go fuck themselves. In 6 months from now, I'll probably be playing acoustic guitar at a coffee house to 8 random faces that'll clap because they feel obliged. And you know what? That's fine with me. If my legacy is to be a nobody artist that never had to sell himself out, then fucking so be it.

So the pieces are in place: The music has the ability to sell millions. The artist, doesn't have the ability to be that stupid fucking liar that begs people to listen to his music. I apologize if you had another impression of me. Perhaps that's how it used to be. But the fact is, we don't need a record label to make money on this project.

Please don't take this as an insult or anything, I'm just kind of venting. I saved up how I feel for tonight expecting to have a meeting, but since it was cancelled, I had to get out how I feel in this email. I was kind of hoping that this meeting would be in reference to the reality show, or Michelle saying she likes the cartoon, or just SOMETHING that would help us make some money. But talking about putting a band together? It was an idea I came up with just to kill the time. But if the reality show isn't going to happen, what's the point? I don't have the patience or tolerance to deal with 4 more fucking shitheads who just want to drink, and smoke weed, instead of sounding good.

Seriously man, I fucking blast my music every day, just imagining what it would be like if we played to a packed show at the Crazy Donkey. Just listen to the fucking music! WRAPPED AROUND YOU, LIMONCELLO, SHE NEVER GETS WHAT SHE WANTS...Dude, these songs are fucking ANTHEMS! People will fucking love them! People will fucking sing them. People will buy them!

But it's been a year and 2 months since I left the assholes that composed "Summers Last Wave". And nothing's happened.

Look, I do take a lot of the responsibility for nothing happening, I'm NOT blaming you guys solely. But if the reality is that none of these ideas are going to happen, I really don't want to waste your guys' time anymore.

If this reality show happens, we will easily make millions. I'll blow people away with these performances, I'll be that never-ending over-flowing fountain of good, commercial music. If it doesn't, to be honest, I don't feel like paying anybody to play my music, especially if there's no guarantee I'll make the money back.

Let's face it man. I'm a fucking nobody who writes hit songs. Is it even possible to change that?

I don't know. Either way, I do apologize if I sound like an asshole, or if you guys have the impression that the way I feel is directed solely towards you. I don't mean it to sound as harsh as it might through written word, the inflection behind these words is intended to be more in a "whiny friend" tone. But if the cartoon and reality show are not going to happen, I'd totally appreciate it if you guys just told me "sorry Freddy, we took a shot, but you're on your own."

-Freddy"

The life that almost never was

What if, for a second, I was the one to save her? What if, I became the father of the two unwanted children? What if I took her, loved her, kept her, started a family and lived the good life? What if we became strong?

What if I'm on crack for thinking this?

Dreamers dream. Is it our job to act? No. It's our prerogative, but not always our move. We are unpredictable in the chess match that is life, and that's why we'll never be defeated. But never being defeated doesn't always mean you come out victorious.

So I escape thinking about her, and thinking about what would become us. Coming home to her every night. Coming home to two children who love me, because their father didn't. Sleeping next to a woman who loves me. A woman who's one of the only people I ever trusted and listened to when it comes to my music. Waking up next to her. Waking up and being responsible for two children. Saving their lives. Giving them a rock, dependability. And having a woman who strangely understands me.

Stop.

Life sounds so much more glorious when it's summed up in a sweet paragraph. When we speak of heroes, in the essay we use to describe them, we fail to realize that these people live the one lifetime they have doing something that becomes filler in a book.

I dream just to see. What it would be like to have my own family. To have a baby girl. To have a wife. To have a son. To have my own life.

Encroaching 30 does this shit to you.

Writing songs and the pain these emotions brings

I sat in Starbucks tonight writing lyrics to songs I've had written over the last year.

Writing lyrics is the most difficult part of composing a song for me. I'm great at expressing emotion through melody, but I'm never happy with the words I use to display that emotion. This is why it takes me years to write songs, and why they remain so personal to me. I am happy with the melody; others can't translate.

Writing songs, for me, is an outpouring of real emotion. It's an almost tangible reminder of the experience. Each person I write a song about is a sentient being in my life, whether or not they still exist. I can still feel their aura.

I composed three songs; one about Jenna, one about Giselle, and one about Sarah.

Jenna's song was written last year. In fact, I wrote a blog when I came up with the melody. It's taken until now to finally piece together deserving lyrics. It was written with the mentality that when I was called to combat overseas in July 2009, my life would end, and my life would flash before me, and she was the only person I loved who ever loved me back. At 25, my life would end, and she would be my only definition of love. The thing about the song that gets me is how one person can ENORMOUSLY effect somebody else's life, while vice versa, that person is but a drop in their ocean. It's like the movie VANILLA SKY. Tom Cruise dwells on the love that "could have been" had he not gotten in that car with Cameron Diaz. In reality, it was only one passion filled night.

Giselle's song is written in a more sorrow, remorseful way. It's watching a beautiful girl, with a brilliant mind, deteriorate before my eyes. It's watching your best friend get into a fatal car accident, and having no way to stop them. She's slowly dying, and there's nothing I can do to save her. Her heart, her soul, her hopes, her dreams are all fading. How do I know? I don't. I can only go based on what I saw.

Sarah's song is written from my perspective, watching at her wedding as she marries a man that isn't me. When I first met her, I felt a crazy aura around her, like she was going to be something big in my life. I was right, but it wasn't in the way I hoped. The song is me singing about how I passed up the opportunity to have this girl, and the second I hesitated, she found a man she loved for the rest of her life.

It's painful writing songs and poetry about people that have had an effect on you. It makes me wonder if these people ever think about me. Do they even have time to let me pass through their head?

I only have time to think about them during down time. Since my new job started, I've had little to no down time. But when I sit down to write songs, I have no choice but to be inspired them, or to be tortured by them. I relive their warm body touching mine, kissing me, making me think we'd be forever, only to watch my heart be murdered by their leaving.

Here I am, in 2010, writing about a girl I loved in 2002. A girl I slept with in 2002, and 2008. And then a girl I fell in a drunk, Limoncello inspired love with in 2007.

But you can't choose what inspires you. It just happens.

The only way to go with it, is to never take for granted EVERY magic moment you have. Enjoy every second you have with a person you feel emotions for. It may be all you have for the rest of your life, and it's a long, cold, lonely life ahead.

Hand of God vs. Coincidence

Today I was driving to work. When about 100 yards in front of me, a car pulled out to make a left turn in front of the car in the right lane and the car in the right lane t-boned the turning car.

It was rainy, and I hit my brakes, by the time I came to a full stop, I was directly next to the car who had just hit the other one. I looked over to see a body that wasn't moving. It reminded me of the time I saw a guy crossing the street and was hit by a car. It was almost the same lifeless expression. I described it like a "dead rat".

Oddly, it didn't phase me. I saw the other car (the one that tried making a left turn into oncoming traffic) still moving! I was thinking to myself "Oh hell no! This car isn't going to cause an accident and get away with it!" So I turned to follow it (at 6am, not many cars were on the road)

The driver must have been passed out because it idled until it hit a curb and nudged a telephone pole before stopping.

I called 911. Surprisingly, and seriously, what the hell, there was a 1 minute wait! "Your call will be answered in the order it was received."

After this car stopped, I was running late for work. I didn't stop to help anyone because if I learned anything from my law enforcement training in the Navy, it's DON'T TOUCH PEOPLE AT ACCIDENT SCENES! Wait for the EMT's to arrive! I could seriously hurt a person.

I assumed the person trying to make the left turn was passed out, maybe dead, but not likely. This SAME exact accident happened a couple months ago at the SAME exact intersection, except the lady turning wasn't so lucky. She rolled the dice turning in front of a semi truck, and getting hit in a sedan by a semi truck going 55-60 doesn't ever end pretty. She died at the scene.

This person could have died. I don't know. I didn't get out of my car to find out.

I turned into the gas station, and that's when I saw the driver of the car who wasn't at fault get out of his car and walk around. I was glad he was okay. I called 911, told them what happened, they asked for my name and number, and I gave it to them and was on my way to work.

I hope everyone is okay. I checked the newspaper website to see if the accident was reported (generally, they only report accidents that involve fatalities) and I didn't see anything yet, so I'm hoping nothing was fatal.

But let's take that out of the equation. I witnessed this accident as it happened. The person turning into oncoming traffic had seriously NO SPACE to make that turn. They turned nearly INTO the oncoming car! What the fuck were they thinking?

People need to be scolded for IDIOTIC mistakes. I mean, holy shit, this is life, the only one we live, and you want to risk it to make a fucking left turn in front of a car? And remember when I said there were no other cars on the road? I wasn't kidding! It was me, the guy who hit the person turning, and the person turning! Why couldn't they have waited 5 seconds for us to pass? People will probably feel bad for whoever got hurt, and yeah, I hope they're okay, but they need to re-take driving lessons or something.

This has happened to me MANY times in the bus. Some jackass sees a bus coming and decides to tempt fate and cut in front of me. Despite my road rage, I just question the mental capabilities of human beings. Why would you ever risk that?

The car that hit the car turning left with oncoming traffic, on any given day, could have been me (And the difference between me and the other car is that I DON'T HAVE AIRBAGS! THey already deployed!). It was rainy out today. Normally, I travel 70 down that road despite the 55 mph limit. For some odd reason, I was only going 57. And I was in the left lane. When it gets to that intersection, I normally stay in the right lane because a cop hangs out at that corner and generally has the radar pointed in the left lane.

What other things happened today? While taking out the recycling, the wind blew three of the pizza boxes all over the street. One disappeared, the other two were in front of our house in the middle of the street. The extra seconds I spent picking those pizza boxes up could have been the 100 yards I was behind the accident.

But did this phase me? No. Not at all. It wasn't one of those moments where I was immediately falling to my face thanking God. It's not because I don't believe he has a hand in keeping me safe, in fact, it's quite the opposite. I know he has a hand in keeping me safe. I don't doubt it for a moment. So when things like this happen, these small coincidences, they don't phase me. Because I know God is always watching over me.

And when it's my time to go, shit, it's my time to go. But why should I be phased? I'm always grateful to God for the life I have, and I know he can take it at anytime.

It's the poetic nature that makes me sad. I don't know if the person died or not. I'm guessing not likely, because they were hit by a sedan. But just imagine. Today, while living your normal routine, could have been your last day. It's the details of this thought that makes me sad.

Like the lady who died a few months ago. I had passed the accident minutes after it happened. The cops hadn't arrived yet. I saw her lifeless body hanging out of the side of the car. I couldn't tell if she was dead, didn't see blood, but she was old. But at 1pm on a September afternoon, what was she doing? Was she turning to get gas? Was she turning into the shopping center? Was she going to the mall to buy clothes? Was she meeting her friend for coffee? Was she heading home where she lived alone? Was she heading home to see her grandkids? Was she a bitch to everyone she knew? Was she the sweetest lady that existed?

These things make me sad. And it's humbling. That life can end like that at any given moment. We'll have tasks that we didn't complete, friends we didn't bid farewell, lovers we never said goodbye to. Just like that, and BAM our existence is just history. The chapters of our life are finished writing, and the two words "THE END" appear.

I believe and know there is hope after this life. But what do they believe? What do you believe?

Despite my heavenly ambitions in the afterlife, it's signs like these that we can't take for granted. Living life is a blessing. I'm always up and down with how I feel about life, but the truth is, I'm a lot better off than the lady who was killed turning into an oncoming semi-truck. What can I possibly complain about?

I am blessed for the family I have, the life I have, and the passion I have. God has blessed me. So is it the hand of God or coincidence that I wasn't the car to hit the one turning?

I say hand of God. Coincidence means there's nothing to learn from this. There's always something to learn from everything! Don't take life for granted! And seriously, don't drive like an idiot!!!

Less talking, more doing!

"I was in a band. The lead singer went crazy and kicked everyone out. He had really good music too, but he just lost his mind or something."

I'm putting things together in order to get a "for hire" band rolling. For the love of Christ, all I keep doing is listening to my music, songs I've taken years to put together, and the longer I keep them hidden, the more of a waste of talent I'm becoming!

No more talk, more "do!"

Nothing makes me happier than writing music, working on my music, and hearing my music. Why do anything BUT what makes me happy as hell, right?

Perspective:

Today I found out something I needed to know. It disgusted me. It made me sick. It made me never want to kiss or hook up with a girl again in my life.

I can't even write it for fear of her reading this. I really should take down the link to this site from my FB lol. Sometimes you hear something about a person that sums up who they are in a nutshell. There are rumors and then there is truth. Rumors are like a game of telephone that gets twisted out of control. But beneath those rumors always lie some small truth.

BLECHHHHHH!!!!

So no more rockstar attitude. I've been doing awesome staying away from prowling women and hanging out with girls withOUT trying to hook up. But this concludes things.

The best way to describe the situation is like this: Picking up a piece of garbage, insisting that it's special, and in the end finding out it is what it is: a piece of fucking trash! Now that may be harsh, but my mind sickens at the fact that I let myself believe she was special. I let my parents actually ENCOURAGE interaction between us! My parents sat her down and told her "he needs a good woman!" and assumed she could fill that role!

WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKK!?!??!

Not my parents fault, I was just as blinded. Just saying.

So what do I learn from this?

1. Respect for yourself. RESPECT YOURSELF FIRST! Don't settle for shit!

2. If something is too good to be true (at first), it probably is.

3. No more settling again EVER!!!

I still feel sick about this!!!!