Burn it alllll

Fuck it allllll baby, fuck it alllll!

There is no bridge to salvage. I cut her loose because I had no reason. Just because.

I just had to feel sentient again, somehow. I felt it. And it's not what it used to be.

Does this mean I will no longer be able to write music? I just, don't care anymore.

Like I've gotten to the point, where no matter what happens with the opposite sex, it just doesn't matter to me. I'm numb.

I can burn it all in a second. Poof, her ass is gone.

And I'm still here. What the fuck just happened? haha

Random Pics from the Cartoon yo!

I've put so many damn hours putting my new cartoon band together. It's coming along super slow. Yeah, putting together a full cartoon (22-30 minutes) by yourself is EXTREMELY difficult and requires an insane amount of time! So here are a few random images of what I've done so far yo!

It's exciting for me to think that with the dual talent of controversial messages (which are hyperbolic expressions of messages our society unconsciously sends) and music with hit potential, that this cartoon could one day become an empire. I'm trying to stay motivated, but it's difficult. I wind up working for 4-5 hours, and only get about 15 seconds of work. I just gotta stay focused, because if this becomes a success, I'll have people to help me out!

The first episode is going to be attempting but failing to get a band practice together, followed by an opportunity to audition for a spot with a major label band. I'm going to be taking shots at the idiocy of scenesters/hipsters, artists/models/actors/protestors who don't have jobs, drug use in America, and the proclivity of our government to waste money on complete bullshit, as well as many other fun reasons! Yay!

Re-writing verses...

Vudu studios has a new producer who listened to all my songs in their current form to give advice on final touches before mixing. He gave me a few tips, and on some songs, I have to write new parts.

FOREVER NEVER ENDS - The verses suck. They are boring and ineffective. If I was listening to this SLW as an outsider, I wouldn't understand where the song is going. I made them both more melodic and more lyrically-HOOKable!

GOT NO MONEY - The second part of the Pre Chorus. UGLY AS HELL!

PARADE REST - PRE CHORUS IS BORING!

I have extreme difficulty writing lyrics. In fact, I hate writing lyrics. For me, it was something I did best when I was younger, and at this point, I feel that my strongest point in writing songs is melody and choruses! I'm especially struggling with "FOREVER NEVER ENDS", because it's hard to write a verse about the past, when I'm finally losing it!

Gravity

My life has been a black canvas with small specs of color radiating some hope. A few of those specs can be accounted for in my dreams. Lately, I've been having dreams of different women, from all different areas of my life. Some inconsequential, some past loves, some past crushes, and some near-misses. And some never existed. At least not yet.

It's a reality check that's starting to hit me fast. It kills me inside. I've got nothing to offer.

I started putting together an acoustic song for my upcoming album called "DEAR JENNA", which actually has no connection whatsoever to DEAR JOHN (and to be honest, I'm getting sick of this bullshit! Every time I write a song/have an idea, some mainstream thing comes out that is almost exactly similar to what I'm putting out!) It's an acoustic song about the only girl I ever had a mutual "falling in love" with. When I was being deployed to Kuwait with 2 days left on my contract, I found a video of her from 2002 where we kissed. And it was almost unreal reliving it. Seeing myself young, and seeing myself with the one girl that ever loved me back, and actually being happy. Being untouchable.

It made me reflect on my life. It made me realize that I could very well die fighting for...well who the fuck even knows anymore. And how pathetic and how sad it made me feel that the only person I ever loved was 7 years extinct to me. The concept of the song is how I no longer have anything to lose so I'm letting her know that she was more than she ever thought she was to me. Once again, the type of song that could make 3 million girls cry, but couldn't touch the girl it was directed at.

I was considering putting Sarah's name in it for awhile. Jenna always knew how I felt because we loved each other. I was allowed to tell her. I never told Sarah. So while the song was sparked by Jenna, the situation was more appropriate for Sarah.

While Jenna's scenario was heartbreaking and painful, the problems I had with Sarah were different. She was everything I ever wanted, but too young in 2003. And she met a dude she never stopped dating before she turned 18. My only shot was totally botched by my "playing it cool" approach, when they broke up for a few months. I acted like I didn't care at all, and my lack of desire wound up destroying my chances.

I've probably written this here before, but after she left it destroyed me. Since then, I've felt little, and my entire inside feels like a town hit by hurricane Katrina.

I'm trying to hold on to the final elements of my life that make me the person I enjoy, but they're slowly slipping away. But why do I enjoy who I am? My life sucks. I abandon all my dude friends, all my female friends turn to hook ups and I'm a lonely mother fucker, barely sentient.

I have faith though that God's got a plan. And I don't know why I worry so much about love and finding someone. It's because I'm sick of being a sexual tool for lonely women. Don't get me wrong, I let them play me that way. But it's because down inside I'm desperate to find something, fucking anything that resembles a "feeling" again. But the state I'm in has to be changed.

I have no fucking clue how to handle "good women".

But back in 2000, when I was late 15, I kept having dreams about having my first kiss. And it was to a dark haired girl with dark eyes. Less than 2 months later, it happened. It's really kind of strange how it works out. I feel like I have some sort of premonition of ability to predict the future, but in a very hazy way.

I'm really just rambling on at this point. I don't know what the fuck to do anymore. Maybe go to the coffee house tomorrow, play some fucking music, and hope for the best.

Sex, Lies and Obsession

So I've been pointlessly talking to a girl recently. She randomly spoke to me on AIM to inform me of an open mic night that I started attending. This was a continuation of the one that shut down, also known as "COOL BEANZ". It's now called Sonoma.

The girl told me about the open mic night on AIM, and when I showed up, she asked me the next day if I was the random cute guy. I said yes. I mean, duhhh. But the girl was clearly hooked already. This girl is one of those that has had nothing but trouble with the opposite sex. Selfish, evil, fucked up men. In fact, she actually asked me "You don't hit girls you date!?!?" surprised. I was shocked to hear it.

Now she isn't anything special. She's a typical bland girl with a decent body and bluntly, an ugly face. She's got a lisp and she comes off as completely desperate in her approach. She's a complete moron who does open mic nights to read her poetry, which is some of the most elemental I've ever heard. It sounds like shit I wrote when I was 12. She works as a "cake decorator" at Stop and Shop, and makes $9 an hour after being there for 6 years. She has no drive to do anything else, hiding under the excuse "I love what I do", while completely unaware of the fact that $9/hour after 6 years is terrible.

She's been married once to a guy who beat the shit out of her, and later made her sleep on the floor while he brought prostitutes over. Her dad is an alcoholic coke head who tries to steal every dime he can out of her. Her mom isn't much better, and her sister is a whore who attempts to sleep with every dude she brings home.

I feel absolutely nothing in regards to this one. In fact, she's a waste of my time. But she's all I got. It's pathetic really. I look at her, and I see fear. Fear that I could wind up with someone like her and how pathetic that would be. She's the exact opposite of everything I've ever wanted in a girl. We have nothing in common. She doesn't give a shit about anything I do in regards to my music or my cartoons, but she would do anything for me.

I would be embarrassed to introduce her to my family, friends or anyone. In fact, it's hard enough for me to be seen with her in public. But this one has become my sole social life. She's the only one that texts, calls and pretends to give a shit.

This band went from 1 year ago me being in almost the same position. A lonely dude with a few friends, and now it's a year later. I moved up to having a ton of friends, and then losing them all. And now I'm regularly hooking up with a girl that disgusts me.

Except she looks twice as attractive in the dark as she does in light. When we're in her car, she looks almost like a model. It's strange really. And she has perfect hygiene, which is saying a lot.

Last night I was at the coffee shop and it was another pointless hook up. I saw a barista that worked there who was very beautiful. And she seemed to be checking me out a bit. We talked as me and the nasty hook up left.

And there I was. Another night of pointless sex with a girl who is in love with me for no other reason than she has no hope to ever meet anyone else. And for me, it's almost the same thing.

Twenty Six

Here's to another year of futility!

Birthdays always depress me.