Gravity

My life has been a black canvas with small specs of color radiating some hope. A few of those specs can be accounted for in my dreams. Lately, I've been having dreams of different women, from all different areas of my life. Some inconsequential, some past loves, some past crushes, and some near-misses. And some never existed. At least not yet.

It's a reality check that's starting to hit me fast. It kills me inside. I've got nothing to offer.

I started putting together an acoustic song for my upcoming album called "DEAR JENNA", which actually has no connection whatsoever to DEAR JOHN (and to be honest, I'm getting sick of this bullshit! Every time I write a song/have an idea, some mainstream thing comes out that is almost exactly similar to what I'm putting out!) It's an acoustic song about the only girl I ever had a mutual "falling in love" with. When I was being deployed to Kuwait with 2 days left on my contract, I found a video of her from 2002 where we kissed. And it was almost unreal reliving it. Seeing myself young, and seeing myself with the one girl that ever loved me back, and actually being happy. Being untouchable.

It made me reflect on my life. It made me realize that I could very well die fighting for...well who the fuck even knows anymore. And how pathetic and how sad it made me feel that the only person I ever loved was 7 years extinct to me. The concept of the song is how I no longer have anything to lose so I'm letting her know that she was more than she ever thought she was to me. Once again, the type of song that could make 3 million girls cry, but couldn't touch the girl it was directed at.

I was considering putting Sarah's name in it for awhile. Jenna always knew how I felt because we loved each other. I was allowed to tell her. I never told Sarah. So while the song was sparked by Jenna, the situation was more appropriate for Sarah.

While Jenna's scenario was heartbreaking and painful, the problems I had with Sarah were different. She was everything I ever wanted, but too young in 2003. And she met a dude she never stopped dating before she turned 18. My only shot was totally botched by my "playing it cool" approach, when they broke up for a few months. I acted like I didn't care at all, and my lack of desire wound up destroying my chances.

I've probably written this here before, but after she left it destroyed me. Since then, I've felt little, and my entire inside feels like a town hit by hurricane Katrina.

I'm trying to hold on to the final elements of my life that make me the person I enjoy, but they're slowly slipping away. But why do I enjoy who I am? My life sucks. I abandon all my dude friends, all my female friends turn to hook ups and I'm a lonely mother fucker, barely sentient.

I have faith though that God's got a plan. And I don't know why I worry so much about love and finding someone. It's because I'm sick of being a sexual tool for lonely women. Don't get me wrong, I let them play me that way. But it's because down inside I'm desperate to find something, fucking anything that resembles a "feeling" again. But the state I'm in has to be changed.

I have no fucking clue how to handle "good women".

But back in 2000, when I was late 15, I kept having dreams about having my first kiss. And it was to a dark haired girl with dark eyes. Less than 2 months later, it happened. It's really kind of strange how it works out. I feel like I have some sort of premonition of ability to predict the future, but in a very hazy way.

I'm really just rambling on at this point. I don't know what the fuck to do anymore. Maybe go to the coffee house tomorrow, play some fucking music, and hope for the best.