Birthday

Yo dude it was the girl's birthday today. I sent her a text saying happy birthday. I hate it yo, the girl always writes to me saying "Miss ya". It's casual, no shit. I'm not going to read into it deeper than what it is. Why though?

I was in the middle of working out. When she wrote back, I lost the drive to work out. It sucks. She still makes me fucking weak.

I remember when we stopped talking dude, I watched ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND. The first time I saw this movie in 2004, I fucking loved it. Well, if you're not from Long Island, I'll explain. Long Island is like a long skinny oval, kind of. I live in the middle of it. In the movie, Jim Carrey lived a little bit further to the left. All the way on the farrr right is Montauk. If you ever drive out there, it's like a skinny piece of land connects to a large island shape at the end, which is Montauk. It's kind of it's own city at the end of Long Island, 20 miles from the next closest city, and about 70 miles from where I live. When you look at the train schedule, Montauk is at the very end of the south train. I had always wanted to take a train there for no reason, and when Jim Carrey did it, I thought it was cool.

Dude, as soon as me and this chick ended, I FUCKING knew I wish I could erase her from my mind.

It sucks man. I just wish it was gone. I wish I stopped giving a shit. I'm trying to take control, and end it. Just never think of her again. It's just not that easy. Dude she was everything I could have wanted in a fucking woman, how the fuck do I find that again? How do I just forget it?

Fuck me bro.

RAGE

Dude, I'm tripping. I'm so fucking angry.

I've started putting together the ideas for the music video Limoncello in my head. The thing that's so crazy about the video is that I will pretty much NAIL the feelings I felt, and still feel, when I divulge the song: insanity, heartbreak, rage, sadness, lonliness, and feeling on top of the world, all at the same time.

And the more I listen to it, the more those feelings are new to me. It just reminds me how I fucking felt when it ended. Knowing he got her back, that fucking piece of shit. That woman-hitting piece of shit. Fuck him. I actually thought to myself how I could kill him. The whole situation turned me into something fucked up.

I even remember the following nights man. Drinking the Limoncello by myself. Talking to fucking plastics mexicans on the wall. Just trying to pretend and fucking kid myself that I would be fine without Sarah.

It's just cause my life is so fucking pathetic. I tell people my only friends are a palm tree, flamingo, pineapple and shark, and like I'm not kidding. I can't keep any girl unless she's a recovering drug addict or a desperate piece of shit. I especially can't fucking touch the ones that can balance me out.

I wrote GOT NO MONEy after the situation with Sarah. I was on the verge of suicide. I just let the thing I wanted most in my life up to 2007 get away, and I knew it was for good. Except visions I had of us being together 20 years from now. It would be crazy if that actually came true.

And now I'm fucking pissed as fuck. I need more anger. I need more rage to be a real man. I've been working out like crazy lately, punching the living shit out of a homemade punching bag. Once I get rich I'm going to have a reality show where I'm looking for shallow ass bitches who want a rich man. Then I can laugh if any fucking woman tries telling me she likes me for me. There's nothing about me worth keeping.

So in the midst of the maelstrom, fuck him. Fuck that fucking piece of shit. I hope he fucking chokes. And I don't mean it personally. I mean it because he's the other man, and I have no fucking clue how she is, but because I'm a sick mother fucker, I'm an idiot, I'm fucking insane, I can't just get the fuck over her. I can't approach women, I'm scared to talk to them, so I hold on to this fucking bitch who wanted a piece of me because I always made her fucking horny, and she got it and peaced. Fuck. FUCKKKKK!

Focus

Trying hard to stay focused. I met a crazy speed bump this week with a scene I'm working on. I really can't wait to get this done, but there is soooo much work left!

Positivity doesn't come easy

I'm trying hard to look on the bright side. Making this cartoon has pretty much flatlined my social life to 0. When it's all done, I'm expecting things to change progressively until one day, I'm sitting on my deck overlooking a California sunset. Or even an afternoon : )

I try looking at it in the sense that most people who make cartoons SUCK at it, and the other things that suck right now. I still owe Vudu $8K, even though I'll have 6K of that paid off by the end of this month. My car, my beautiful Camaro, still needs a new engine, and I'm currently driving a piece of shit van. The thing disgusts me so much, I dread the thought of going out and showing up anywhere with that thing. I have other debt that must also be taken care of.

So really, I need to be doing something other than spending money, and this cartoon, in a weird way, will lead to making money : ) ! So I must be patient, and look on the upside!!!

For real, I hope this gets big enough that one day I can start my own theme park! It'll be sickkkk! Like a cross between Disney and Six Flags, except with the characters from my cartoon!!!! Haha, I used to have dreams almost EVERY night when I was a child about an amusement park. It had insane rides, and it almost felt like heaven. I always woke up WISHING I could be at that amusement park. The funny thing is I still remember MOST of the attractions. I forget most of my dreams, but I remember 95% of the rides at my theme park. Will I be able to put them together one day?

Well, it all starts here, in my parents basement, on a Macbook Pro, with pen and paper. Let's see where this takes me!

Destiny?

I spent about 10 hours today total working on the cartoon. At the most, I got about 20 seconds finished. Well, that's an underestimate, it's probably more. And for some reason, I loved every second of it.

I'm starting to grow more confident and more "happy" in the Summers Last Wave cartoon. One of the representatives from Capstone called me today after they watched the preview I made. They legit sounded like they were shitting their pants. They started bringing up advertising agencies, merchandising...etc. I'm happy because for the first time, I don't even care if this gets big. For real, I'd LOVE to make money doing this for a career. But in the end, if it all falls through, I love what I'm doing.

So am I meant to be an animator/musician my whole life (and not the other way around)? Who knows. I was thinking, if this thing expands, and I one day have my own office building, I'm going to go over the top to make sure people stay creative. I'm gonna do things like have a HUGE ball pit that every one will be required to spend 30 minutes a week in, inflatable moon jump things that you can play laser tag in, and MARIO KART TOURNAMENTS! It's going to be the best company to work at! : D

The thing that gets me SO freaking excited about the animation thing: I never have to get old! Maybe physically, but the cartoon itself will keep me young forever! Plus I can pursue the millions of dreams I had. It's like giving up the band thing was the best move ever. But I always said, I never wanted that fame. Even though behind the cartoon lies it's creator (me), I won't be the face of anything.

It's so crazy too. Anytime anyone asks me to do something, I don't even consider it. I'm just like "fuck it, I want to stay home". It's so exciting to see this world come to life, and the characters are all so insane, it's like magic seeing them come alive.

Okay, I'm done talking! But if this gets big and merchandising starts going through, dude, I can't wait to have a PINEAPPLE COFFEE CUP!!!