Reach In

Sunshine ain't for the weak when it's filling your skies
with a love that's hard to reach, cause no one wants to
live with easy fantasies
But you bring out the best in me,

You're my angel in the sun, holding my hand,
keeping me warm
Then you're reclaimed by the man
who be bringing all the storms
now we're strangers on the beach,
random faces, and I'm lost
my smile starts to fade when your rays are gone
Oh sunny, sunny sunshine, don't ever go away
I can never live without those days,
I can never live without you, breathe without you
So let the time take it's toll on the skin on my face,
let my arms fall apart repining for your embrace,
let the skies and the oceans collide
I'll stand still waiting to make you mine

All I need is your world of wonder
strike me hard with a pain like thunder
roars inside for the things we'll never be

Reach in
pull me out babe, fulfill my wish
We're two different worlds enticed by dreams
it would taste so sweet to fall into me
Reach in,
Let me be like tan on your skin
Even though you're still dreaming of him

Some turn themselves into martyrs
slipping away from any sadness that may come whenever
love doesn't pave an easy way
but girl, I'd live a thousand years without you
Cause I'll take all the shots,
yeah I know that I'm not him,
but you could tell him that the second that he clips the wings
of the angel I can't reach
That you'll bring out the best in me

All I need is your world of wonder
Angel wings, let me soar with thunder
cause I'm falling to the world, so come save me

Reach in

----

Inexplicably in pain today. Out of nowhere really.

At peace

Lately I've felt the more I focus on this cartoon and getting it finished, the less worried about life I become.

I had a dream last night about this psycho I was recently talking to. It's funny, I have a dream about ANYONE and then suddenly I remember good qualities about them, and I feel touched by it. It's almost as if I'm reflecting on a dead person and remembering their good memories spent with me.


That happened a couple of weeks ago when I had a dream about my ex Amelia. When I first saw her, I was like stunned by her beauty. This was back in 07. But she turned out being the equivalent of satan in a woman. I still couldn't get over how beautiful she was. We had an incredibly bad falling out. I woke up one morning thinking about the good things about her (which was like NOTHING, so for real, it was like 3 memories out of 5 months haha). I decided to check up on her see how she's doing (because for some reason we're still friends on myspace).

The girl got FAT! It's so sad to see something so beautiful be gone forever. Because she'll never be young and beautiful like she was again. Sure, she can lose weight, but it'll show. The sad thing about it, she once was small. She was skinny as hell. But she let herself go. All she ate was crap. Literally, like 5 times a day, she was eating shit. It's her own fault.

But that made me sad. I mean, she found a punching bag to be her fiance, which is good for her, because even though me and her were like fire and gasoline, everyone deserves another person. It's sad because that person I experienced 3 years ago is gone forever. Sure, she may have been the ultimate BITCH and nasty fucking CUNT...sorry, I know it's strong, but any woman that has the fucking nerve to hit me in public deserves this shit. I'm not a man that takes that shit, but at the same time, I'm not a man that hits women. I eventually just left her ass after it happened a second time. It still makes me angry though. When you want to hit someone and you CAN'T, especially after they initiated violence...RRRRRRR! Haha

I saw a few old pics of us and I just can't get over how beautiful she used to be. But she erased her beauty with her actions, and she made herself ugly. Now that all wounds are healed, she's ugly by her own laziness.

Oh boy. I enjoy talking about past loves man, it reminds me of being alive. I figure working on this cartoon at the moment isn't necessarily a bad thing because I'm paying off my debt. I need to make myself over, I just don't have the cash to do it at the moment. I'm considering rocking the bald look because my hair is starting to piss me off. Maybe being a bad ass is the way to go. Get the motorcycle, the tats, shit...It's not that the look would be foreign to me, I mean when I was younger I used to be a rebellious dick. Down inside it's still there, and maybe that's why sometimes I worry about the small shit. Because I'm not me?

No title

Now's the time
To let her go, but all I know is I,
I just keep holding on....

The words look so boring on paper, but with the music entwined, it represents the desperate lonely feeling these words mean.

If I could change one thing in my history....

Sometimes I like to get carried away with my imagination. Like, what if we are all dead already, but life is like a video game that we get to play over. Not that I actually believe it, I just like to think about it. Sometimes with Deja Vu, and dreams it seems like we've already lived a moment.

So it got me thinking...What would I change if I could change one thing? What thing could I have done that would have changed the course of my life?

Well, speak of the devil...I spoke to her tonight for the first time in ages. I'm like on the final stage of letting Sarah go. As much as she's been a complete non factor in my life, my heart for her has always stayed strong, but it's slowly faded away. At this point, she becomes the last thing she can be: A person who I'll always respect.

She's doing great now. Still with her boyfriend. I figured as much, but I never know. And when I spoke about my music, she's offered to help. As a person, she looks at me with some sort of strange mutual respect. I think she still feels bad for what happened back in 07.

So what would I have changed? 2003, I would have gone for her before she met the dude she's been with for the last decade. I was 19, she was 15. Dude, I would have talked to her parents. I wouldn't give a shit. I would have been the respectable dude that just happened to be 19. Of course, we can't change time. But if I was dating her, my value of life would have been increased, I never would have joined the Navy, and I probably would have had a better path.

I just want that feeling I had when I was with her. That's all.

Cornell

So I'm thinking it's time to head back to college. I mean, I've already got 23.5 credits, and it's really only a year away from graduating with an associate's.

But with an associate's comes pursuit of a bachelor's degree. The school I go to (Suffolk) has two transfer opportunities to Ivy League colleges, one that requires a 3.5 (Columbia) and the other a 3.8 (Cornell). I'm considering Cornell. I mean, I have a 4.0 straight across the board with 4 honors classes under my belt. It would be cake to get into.

My only concern is what to do with myself. I've passed around the idea of being a teacher cause I love working with kids, it makes me feel young, but if that were the case, I'd do something impossibly difficult like Calculus or Physics. I've never taken these classes, but comprehension is mellifluous when it's anything I'm passionate about. Knowing I could easily pick up a job locally with a degree in these subjects is inspiration enough.

However, Cornell is a major school with MANY great contacts. I'm considering doing something in statistics or something difficult involving economics, like the guy that comes into a company and saves a business millions by trimming fat from the budget. Hell yeah, that could be me. Math is easy for me.

As far as music, I'll finish the shit up, but it's no rush. At this point, I hate the music scene, and I think I'm only making the CD for myself anyway. I can't stand the trend following.

Hot pursuit

It's been a good season for me as far as "women" go, except it means nothing. I feel more lonely than ever.

Without doing a damn thing, I've had about 5 girls constantly badgering my ass to hang out, even saying "I'll pay for the movies" or "I'll drive out to you and buy you coffee"...etc. It's stupid really.

But for once in my life, I'm not getting cocky about it. In fact, I feel stupid. It makes me feel more lonely than ever. Cause the woman I want is vapor now, and the rest are just looking for something solid, but have little interest on my part.

And surprise, surprise, all of these women are formerly abused by dickhead guys. I used to want to be a superhero to some woman. And maybe down inside, I still do. That one person to save them from the sad, bullshit life. But the truth is, you can't save someone who won't save themselves.

One of them has an idea that she's a prize to be won. Don't get me wrong, she's hot. But like that doesn't effect me. Especially when she starts insinuating that she needs me to help her buy/pay for something. Haha, what a fool. I'm going to give her money to be a "loving" man? WRONG bitch.

I'm starting to see how to fix this problem. Talking to people. Go to bars, go to places, and just make conversation. Half these people are just as nervous as me. And the worst case scenario is I get rejected. The end. Who cares?

I haven't gone out at all lately. In fact, I refuse. The weather sucks. And I'm getting trapped again. I build up so much desire to move to California during the winter, and when the summer comes, I forget it. It's financial reasons really. I owe about $8K left on this fucking album that isn't finished. And with all the passion I had for it, it's all but disappeared. I love writing music, but at this point, I'm sick of it. Maybe because I'm tired of hearing the music, who knows. There's so much that needs to be done, and my over-analyzation is going to cost more and more. And my car loan is 8k, and most of my credit card debt is gone so thats cool. I mean I'm doing fine, unlike most people, I actually have a job that I make GREAT money at, but why give it up just to move out west and love life? Haha, well at least not until these things are paid off.

But it bothers me. I remember seeing "He's just not that into you" (WHICH by the way, what the fuck? My brother is working with Scarlett Johansen now! Dude, getting into Cooper Union is making this kid a superstar! Haha) and some of the obvious messages are ones I'm sending, but the girls I'm sending them to, don't fucking pick them up! Like these 3 other girls every night asking me to hang out. Coffee, movies, bars...etc. And they aren't bad looking, just annoying. I just don't care.

I need to find myself first. It's pointless man. I'm lost. I feel like I've lost the world, and now it's filled with phantoms; just empty shells of people in a world of winter. What the hell does that even mean?