Hot pursuit

It's been a good season for me as far as "women" go, except it means nothing. I feel more lonely than ever.

Without doing a damn thing, I've had about 5 girls constantly badgering my ass to hang out, even saying "I'll pay for the movies" or "I'll drive out to you and buy you coffee"...etc. It's stupid really.

But for once in my life, I'm not getting cocky about it. In fact, I feel stupid. It makes me feel more lonely than ever. Cause the woman I want is vapor now, and the rest are just looking for something solid, but have little interest on my part.

And surprise, surprise, all of these women are formerly abused by dickhead guys. I used to want to be a superhero to some woman. And maybe down inside, I still do. That one person to save them from the sad, bullshit life. But the truth is, you can't save someone who won't save themselves.

One of them has an idea that she's a prize to be won. Don't get me wrong, she's hot. But like that doesn't effect me. Especially when she starts insinuating that she needs me to help her buy/pay for something. Haha, what a fool. I'm going to give her money to be a "loving" man? WRONG bitch.

I'm starting to see how to fix this problem. Talking to people. Go to bars, go to places, and just make conversation. Half these people are just as nervous as me. And the worst case scenario is I get rejected. The end. Who cares?

I haven't gone out at all lately. In fact, I refuse. The weather sucks. And I'm getting trapped again. I build up so much desire to move to California during the winter, and when the summer comes, I forget it. It's financial reasons really. I owe about $8K left on this fucking album that isn't finished. And with all the passion I had for it, it's all but disappeared. I love writing music, but at this point, I'm sick of it. Maybe because I'm tired of hearing the music, who knows. There's so much that needs to be done, and my over-analyzation is going to cost more and more. And my car loan is 8k, and most of my credit card debt is gone so thats cool. I mean I'm doing fine, unlike most people, I actually have a job that I make GREAT money at, but why give it up just to move out west and love life? Haha, well at least not until these things are paid off.

But it bothers me. I remember seeing "He's just not that into you" (WHICH by the way, what the fuck? My brother is working with Scarlett Johansen now! Dude, getting into Cooper Union is making this kid a superstar! Haha) and some of the obvious messages are ones I'm sending, but the girls I'm sending them to, don't fucking pick them up! Like these 3 other girls every night asking me to hang out. Coffee, movies, bars...etc. And they aren't bad looking, just annoying. I just don't care.

I need to find myself first. It's pointless man. I'm lost. I feel like I've lost the world, and now it's filled with phantoms; just empty shells of people in a world of winter. What the hell does that even mean?