We'd blow the stars apart

I like to pretend to believe in crazy things sometimes. Like innocence. I like to pretend sometimes that I still have that boyhood innocence inside of me. When I believed I'd find a Princess someday, and that she'd love me like crazy, and I'd love her back, and it'd be like one of them story book romances. I actually used to believe that "true love" existed in this world.

Now it's a proposition that shoots fear through my spine: what if I was wrong? What if the "story book" true love actually does exist, and my negative maxims condemning it's possibilities are just words of a bitter fool?

Have I done too much to fuck myself up? Would anybody with whom that "love" can exist want a person like me?

I mean, I wouldn't even want me.

All I have to offer is passion and a promise to be scared of commitment.

Me and Antonia hung out last Saturday, and we made out. It was her being drunk, and being open with the fact that she's still not over me, and yet I don't understand. I don't get what the fuck it is about her that "loves" me. Maybe it's because I can't love her back, and I've been honest about it. Maybe it's my capriciousness that added flavor to her otherwise noisome lifestyle. (fucking vocabulary words tonight man) I always kept her on the edge of her seat.

And now, I'm taking a turn for the world of shallowness and fame. I signed my first contract today. Now, I have to do all the shallow things that any "real" celebrity should have: being in shape, getting extensions and shit, looking all sexy...

It one day may get me all the girls in the world, but down inside, I'll still just be a lonely pile of nothing.

Nobody can understand me. Shit, I can't even understand myself. How the hell can a woman handle this man, when this man can't even explain himself?

So, that being said, I like to escape to my dreaming mind. I like to pretend that me and the girl who may never exist are like 2 lost souls that nobody understands, and we're flying around the galaxy, out shining all them fucking stars. Creating fireworks and magic in a galaxy that conjures wonder from observers, we'd give them sights they never seen before. And we can swing under hammocks that we're hanging off the edges of stars, laughing away at the earth. "Nobody in this fucking world ever understood us, but we somehow understand each other. We finally make sense!" Shit, we were nobodies, we were nothings to the black and white talking heads living to die on this earth. And now, we're fucking invincible. In the horizon that escapes to eternity, littered with the sparkle and shine of the millions of stars, and hundreds of dreamers that came before us.

IF I COULD ONLY TOUCH HER IT WOULD EXIST! There's no doubt in my mind. Call me crazy, call me a liar, but love, feelings, emotions, that shit NEVER has to make sense. The only thing that RUINS love is our subjective mentalities. When we question the passion, and grow scared of its power. Because in love, we do crazy things we never expected. But when we think about it, we live less, and the love soars lower and lower. Sometimes just letting it happen is the way to go...

So here's to hope. Hoping that in 6 months from now I'll have some clarity, and that shit will be moving in the right direction. I've been singing the same tune for too long now.

Here's to faith: Faith that no matter what, God will provide. Faith that no matter what, things will work out the way they're supposed to. I've never questioned that theory!

I believe, without a doubt in my mind, that things will turn out the way they're meant to be. Call me fucking insane, but when it happens, you'll be astonished that I was right all along.

Circles

Back to depression...

I don't know why. I don't know what's causing it. I just feel alone. I feel like nobody understands.

My obsession with different women and different faces and new women and new faces stems from something, and I don't fucking know what. And maybe it's why I'm depressed.

Cause I'm shit. I'm the one that's not worth keeping. I'm the flame that keeps them warm, and as I get bored, so do they.

I'm not worth fighting for.

I guess in the end, all I can do is hold on to the moment, pretend I'm in love and then prepare to let it all go.

Can't sleep...

I tried going to bed early, and I woke up about 1:45 AM. Ah, whatever! I'll be back to normal soon!

I woke up this morning wondering, basically, what the hell is going on?

I thought I was supposed to have a big meeting in regards to my cartoon this week, but I haven't heard from my managers. I told them I dropped off the contract, but I never did, so I guess I'm waiting for them to call me with any news.

I didn't NOT drop off the contract on purpose, I just forgot, and kind of remembered now.

I'm never sure which way to go, and I'm always worried that signing over a portion of my creative rights will remove my ability to do anything in classic DIY style.

And one of my managers keeps calling me Frank. Actually, we had a meeting last week, and I could have sworn I caught him call me Frank for the second time, so I was like "Dude, my name is FRED!" but in a laughing way. It turned out to be a really awkward moment, one that I left the house feeling weird about. But then the next time I was on the phone with him, he did it again! He called me Frank!

People calling me Frank doesn't bother me as much as the concept behind it. The name Frank reminds me of a dirty old ass man, not that the name Fred brings any more beautiful pictures to mind. Plus, it's just laziness. People have actually called me "Frank" on Facebook, in a comment column. How hard is it to read where it says "Fred"? I mean, it's not hard to memorize.

Really, it doesn't bother me that much. But when it keeps happening, especially from the manager of my "band", it's like dude, I'm an artist working with you to make money, and you know my name isn't Frank! Eh, it happens.

Anyway, I woke up, and had no texts from anyone. No girls, no dudes, no nobodies. It bothers me, and I don't know why. Because when I do have texts from girls that I'm "seeing", I get annoyed and bored fast. Most of the dudes I get texts from are fucking losers who don't have a car.

I guess that's the downside of waking up in the middle of the night. You didn't plan it, and you don't know what the hell you're supposed to do. Just think! Watch some TV maybe.

I'm supposed to start working on the second episode of my cartoon, but I haven't yet. I'm supposed to finish the music on my first episode, but I haven't even been able to touch it. I guess these would all be proactive things to do now, right? Haha

I fail to persist, therefore, I fail...

The last 2 weeks have gone by, and so have 2 relationships. No, we were never anything official. We were just "seeing" each other. And then somehow, I got bored. Or they got bored. Or we both got bored.

So what is worth holding onto? Is anything in this life solid? Does love exist, or is it just a feeling we use to express 'want" and "desire" and when we get it, does it disappear?

It's a curious thought. Because animals don't display love towards each other, but yet as humans, we do.

Oh boy...

I have copied these texts word for word...

"Lol. Mab she will get divorced so she can hang ov w u. Haha. Mish left. Im a lil sad. But hey i gota give tryst a bath. tx me later."

"Yeah, i went 2 bed at 830 and wk up at 630. but i have 2 go 2 the libray 2 do something. so since im not going 2 tx n drive ill tx u l8r."

Ya know, there's a reason that in relationships, there should be a "getting to know each other" phase. Being drunk and half-awake for 2 days with a hot girl means realizing the next day, when you're fully sober and rested, that the girl could possibly be an idiot.

I woke up this morning and felt that I needed to get rid of both girls I'm involved with. Seriously, what the fuck am I doing? I don't want to marry either one of them. I don't really want to date either one of them!

Shit!

I couldn't help but laugh to myself.

I took some solace in the fact that although me and Heather slept together Thursday night, while she was gone all weekend, she didn't really text me/call me once. I figured the girl, with her short attention span, must have been flirting with dudes, and getting close with dudes...etc. while she was away. I was kind of hoping she'd come back and be like "I found some dude at camp!"

Me and Laura hung out again last night, and we were supposed to hang out again tonight, but she had stayed up almost 40 hours straight and wanted to go to bed. I think at this point it's safe to say we're infatuated with each other. Just looking at her face, dude it's like black magic or something. She's got the body and face of a temptress, and down inside she looks like she's crazy, having the ability to kill a man, but something about that turns me on so much. She's devoted to God and to Jesus, but like any other human being, enjoys the feeling of another human physically satiating them.

And the way she kisses me. Yeah, she's a great kisser, but it's the way her body moves. The way her lower back twists in the palms of my hand, opposite of how her face slants to kiss me. She's like a woman predator, convinced she's always in control, meeting a man who refuses to let her be in control, and keep her in her place.

It's SO fucking sexy. Dude like, my body, when it's around her, is like desperate for her. It's a fight to keep the "game" face on (which she admitted, she WANTS me to keep playing lol) with occasional mumblings of "holy shit you're fucking beautiful girl" in my passionate stylings. The way her body moves when I touch it...AHHH!

Shit, I gotta stop. Heather came home from her weekend trip tonight. But like I said, I figured she was flirting with other dudes, and we were gonna be kind of like "separated" when she came back. No. She didn't get that memo. She came to my house, without fucking texting me.

It kind of pissed me off, because look, when I've decided I'm "seeing" someone, I don't like being involved with other people unless there's reason for me to be. (ie: the girl is seeing other dudes too, it's about to end...etc.) And that's kind of what happened with Heather. The more I saw about her, the more I disliked. I guess when a woman is selfish, in my eyes, it's not a healthy relationship. I want it to be mutual. I didn't like that she came to my house, because I didn't have enough time to think about how to tell her I'm not interested anymore. Do I just be honest and break her heart? Or do I sugar coat it?

So do I stay loyal to the relationship that started fleeting Thursday, or do I find new options, and find something that suits me best?

We live once. There's only one option within that philosophy.

I just made sure we didn't kiss. She kept trying to touch me, although I kept my distance. But I wouldn't let her kiss me. I was like "yo my breath stinks" and so did hers to be honest. And as she was there, I just kept seeing like a ghost of Laura. I just want her bad. It's like cocaine.

Love binge, followed by "What the hell happened?"

Friday night, I hung out with a girl, who the previous week, I was highly intrigued by. She's cool, but she has small things about her that may wind up turning into big things. For example, her propensity to eat out every single day, followed by her idea that the man should always pay. I don't mind taking care of a girl, trust me. But at this point, I need a woman. Someone who understands why grown ups don't eat out every single day. Eating in is WAY cheaper!

Plus, she was "selfish" in ways I shouldn't divulge on an online blog. But at the same time, it's my own personal journal, so what the hell does it matter? I mean, things went down, and she worried more about herself than me. She said it like, it was HER night, but in my mind, that's a sign of things to come. Selfish people are a major turn off for me. That mixes in with her money thing too.

She went away over the weekend, and on Friday night, I was at home working on my computer about 2am, when I got a call from my brother (who was home from Brooklyn for the weekend.) He called me to tell me he was bringing a girl home, who had a sister who thought I was hot.

So I had to get up, shower, and get ready. I threw on my game face fast. They walked in, and holy shit, this girl was smooooking! She was 5"8, but looked taller due to the way her body formed. She had long tan legs, long arms and a magical face, with exotic eyes and a perfect smile. She's 27, turning 28 in November, and when I found out she was a Scorpio, I was like "Yeah dude, me and you have no shot!"

In the past, I would have been intimidated, and fucking BOMBED this one. But it was easy. I was just myself, and I casually let myself flirt with her, and act like I wasn't interested at all. I had the whole room talking with the personality tests, and she actually answered the psychopath one wrong! At one point, I decided to get a female opinion on whether or not it's appropriate to tell a girl if she SUCKS at kissing.

Later on, she confessed "I wished you would have shown me how bad of a kisser she was."

Eventually, my brother and his girl left to get more beer. Me and this girl Laura, stayed at home, and she wanted to show me something. But it was something kind of crazy, and she was getting a second thought about it, when I said, "Dude, instead of just jumping the gun, how about we kiss first so it feels like we worked up to it?"

She could kiss! She was a fucking awesome kisser! And yo, I was mad happy, because I've been on a good streak lately of girls who know how to use those lips. Of course, I am the best kisser in the world, so the girl couldn't stop kissing me.

And for the record, I don't just assume this shit. And I don't do the retard thing, where some people will be like "Do you think I'm a good kisser?" and the girl will say "yeah!" to be nice. I find out these answers in one of the ways that HERESY is legally admitted in a court room: through an emotional, unintentional outburst! 8 times out of 10, in a moment of passion, a girl will say something, during our making out, along the lines of "Oh my God. You are a such a good kisser" or "I love the way your breath smells", or make one of those insanely passionate sighs of romance. It's really not hard to do, most people just don't know how to move their damn lips!

As the night moved on, it got to 5am. Then her mom called. Oh yeah, here's the catch. The girl has a kid. A 9 month old. At this point, the two girls had to get home and take care of the baby. But they wanted to hang out more. They said the best way to put him to sleep was to drive around. So they picked us up, to come back to their house and drink beer in their jacuzzi.

It was nice, in a spontaneous, romantic kind of way. It was funny though, that me and my brother were hanging out with two sisters in their jacuzzi and making out with them while drunk. At one point Jeremy said "Dude, we should switch!" and I laughed. Eventually, the two of them went inside, presumably to have sex. Me and Laura just chilled in the jacuzzi more, and just kept kissing/talking...etc. She had the baby monitor next to her, and eventually went inside, after we had been in the jacuzzi til about 9am.

Her baby woke up, and we struggled to stay awake playing with the child. But then I started noticing something. As I watched how she interacted with her baby, I started to see that perhaps, dating a girl with a child could be the way to fit my desire for my definition of "love": To have feelings for a girl that never feels the same way about you.

She could never love me more than her child, and rightfully so. But at the same time, it's healthy, because it's not with another man, it's with her kid. Eventually we went to sleep, and to be honest, I probably overstayed my welcome, but I was drunk and incoherent, and the girl was still kissing me with crazy passion. I figured you could read "overstayed welcomes" based on someone's body language.

But while we were sleeping in her bed, and I looked at her sleeping, it was so hard for me not to grab her and kiss her. She was gorgeous. And I just wanted to touch her, and taste every inch of her. But she was a mom, and her baby was in the room, and she wasn't sleeping because she wanted to, she was sleeping because she needed to. At one point, she got up and had to breast feed her baby. I should have been sleeping, but I just watched. (not in a perverted way, I had already seen her breasts) I was amazed at how she flipped the switch from "lover" to "mother" with no hesitation. And part of me wished I could touch her, but I couldn't. She was with her child.

Eventually, I woke up, and she drove me home. Her mom invited me back for dinner, at which point, I was able to clean up and give her a view of how good I can look when I try. It was good, but her sister had a friend named "Aurora" come over, who was pretty damn attractive. But the girl wouldn't stop staring at me. Laura was getting pissed, digging her claws in already.

I cut the night short. I was exhausted, and I had already spent an insane amount of time with this girl on the first day I met her. As I left, we kissed for like 3 minutes. It's hard leaving somebody you have so much physical chemistry with.

At this point, I don't know where to go. Now that I'm awake, and have a clear mind for the first time in an entire day, I don't know how to progress with her. I said all the drunk promises that a love-hungry man would say, and she accepted them. And when I said them, I wasn't lying, I meant them. But I'm an Aquarius, and those feelings change so fast.

I wouldn't mind chilling with her again, ever. I just don't know how to handle a mom. And I don't know what way is what.

Opportunity!

It's not even knocking, IT'S RAMMMING my door down!

No matter what happens, it will all be good!

I'm being handed a chance to live out my dreams! AHHHH I'm so excited!