Yeah, I've been having a good time working with Joel again. We were practicing LUCKY and SHE NEVER GETS WHAT SHE WANTS yesterday, and it sounded mint. We also finished the back part of the van with ZEBRA carpeting haha.
I'm listening to the SLW unreleased full length, and it's getting me motivated to get back in the studio and finish!
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Happy Thanksgiving!
So yeah, yesterday, I spent the majority of the day getting the shaggin' wagon worked on. It still has a ton of work left before it looks anything close to "sexy", but nothing good in life comes easily!
I seemed to have hit 2 major fails with the girls I'm interested in yesterday. Of course, that's just me being optimistic, because my track records with ladies that aren't insane kind of fucking sucks.
1) I sent the teacher a text that said "Yo ______, we should start making some memories some time". I figured it'd be a cute way to say "we should hang out more often!" Normally, she responds to texts in like 5 seconds, so the fact that it's 9:50 the next day means she didn't find it cute. LOL!
2) I brought my sister's manager a "love book" that I made. Basically, it trashed her life with her boyfriend, and showed how a life with me was 50x better. I used words like "Assface" to describe her current boyfriend, without knowing how she actually felt about the kid. She is yet to call the number I left for her in the back.
I actually enjoy speaking of drama like this. I miss it. I read one of my old blogs from 2001, and every day, I was talking about like 5 different girls. I know it makes me seem like "player-player", but it's really not the case. I'd give everyone up for the right girl, which is the one I can't fucking find! Haha. But nowadays, I don't come off as desperate. Like what's the worst that can happen? Number 2 doesn't call me, and what do I lose? We won't be speaking any less than we currently are! Number 1 decides not to date me, and then what? I lose an awesome potential girl, but in the long run, I'm still free to make this music happen!
So last night, being the biggest party night on Long Island all year, me, Jeremy and Joel decided to go out. We went to Half Penny Pub, but Joel doesn't have an ID. 24 years old, he should have been ready for this night! So we went to Dave and Busters, which was DEAD, followed by Applebees which was also DEAD. Yeah, it wasn't as fun of a night as we expected, but any night I go out, I always worry about drinking. I don't want to get behind the wheel thinking I'm sober if my BAC is over .04. That's right, said .04. The legal limit is .08, but for drivers with a Class B, it's .04, and I could get fired if I get popped!
Hopefully me and Joel will start getting tighter.
Oh and btw, my brother is an artist. The kid goes to Cooper Union, the top art school in the country. I wouldn't even give him the title "artist" unless he validated it with such an elite school. Mainly because most artists are a fucking joke. He got into the school bullshitting the judges, and since then, his whole point in art is to make people pissed off, and to show them they're not fucking oppressed. He keeps mentioning how all his art friends suddenly say "I think I'm gay".
Apparently, in the art community, if you're white, you're not oppressed. To become oppressed, you need to become gay. Hence the explanation behind hundreds of thousands of art kids finally becoming "homosexual" although they were born the other way. And lets not get into the debate about "are homosexuals born gay?" Personally, I'm a Christian, and I don't believe a homosexual lifestyle is conducive to what Jesus wants. But at the same time, me saying words like "fuck" and having sex before marriage ALSO aren't conducive to that, so I'm being fair!
But if you want to take the religious aspect out of it, lets go with science and darwinism. In the billions of years of the earth, no other animal species has ever been born "homosexual." Some shit heads point to the "gay penguins" at the Central Park Zoo, which suddenly stopped making news when they "broke up" and went back to being straight. But now, all of a sudden, people are being born gay. Is this evolution? No, because evolution is survival of the fittest, and being gay isn't conducive to survival. You cannot naturally reproduce in a gay relationship! Becoming gay does not ensure your survival. Sure, there's artificial insemination, but do you think these mutated (or evolved for the politically correct) consider that when they decide to pursue the next best step?
Personally, it doesn't bother me. I don't like seeing two dudes make out, because the idea of me kissing a guy makes me want to vomit. It's the same thing if I see someone eating that cheesy rice shit that makes me want to throw up. It's not discrimination, it's a matter of what makes my stomach turn. (And for all you non believers, someone dared me to kiss Joel once. I got close to his face and almost threw up. He had a beard, and his breath smelt like onions. Fucking nasty!)
So do I support gay marriage? Religiously, no. I believe instituting gay marriage is a direct violation of "Congress shall pass no law establishing one religion over another", because by making this law, they are essentially stating that the word marriage can be used to describe homosexuality, while some religions use marriage to describe holy matrimony between a man and a woman. It's not the government's job to decide what the word "marriage" is.
THAT BEING SAID, (and if you're going to quote me, don't be a fuckface and edit this part out), I believe congress should strip the word marriage from it's definition, and change it to unions for all couples. Let the churches decide what marriage is, but as far as government is concerned, man and woman = union. Man and man = union. Woman and man = union.
That also leaves out another important factor; what about people who want to marry their cousins? What about people who want to marry their brother? Sure, incest is fucking disgusting, but if we're going on this "If they're happy let them do what they want", or "if they love each other, that's all that matters", then why the fuck is it our business? Didn't we once label homosexuality as "gross"? Unions should apply to all 2 person unions, regardless of sex, religion, race, or relationship.
When I brought this up to people they said "that's gross", or "the child can have birth defects". Well, a child can also have birth defects when a parents smokes or drinks, yet it doesn't seem to stop them. So then would it be okay for only gay-incest unions? Like brother-brother? Because then they would HAVE to use artificial insemination.
What a stupid fucking argument. What a stupid point. Just make unions legal for all couples, the end. There are too many stupid laws, and it looks like this one is going to be ruled upon by the supreme court. There aren't enough politicians that will have the support of their constituents to pass this through, so they'll do the spineless thing and make the supreme court decide. Fuck this system man...
I seemed to have hit 2 major fails with the girls I'm interested in yesterday. Of course, that's just me being optimistic, because my track records with ladies that aren't insane kind of fucking sucks.
1) I sent the teacher a text that said "Yo ______, we should start making some memories some time". I figured it'd be a cute way to say "we should hang out more often!" Normally, she responds to texts in like 5 seconds, so the fact that it's 9:50 the next day means she didn't find it cute. LOL!
2) I brought my sister's manager a "love book" that I made. Basically, it trashed her life with her boyfriend, and showed how a life with me was 50x better. I used words like "Assface" to describe her current boyfriend, without knowing how she actually felt about the kid. She is yet to call the number I left for her in the back.
I actually enjoy speaking of drama like this. I miss it. I read one of my old blogs from 2001, and every day, I was talking about like 5 different girls. I know it makes me seem like "player-player", but it's really not the case. I'd give everyone up for the right girl, which is the one I can't fucking find! Haha. But nowadays, I don't come off as desperate. Like what's the worst that can happen? Number 2 doesn't call me, and what do I lose? We won't be speaking any less than we currently are! Number 1 decides not to date me, and then what? I lose an awesome potential girl, but in the long run, I'm still free to make this music happen!
So last night, being the biggest party night on Long Island all year, me, Jeremy and Joel decided to go out. We went to Half Penny Pub, but Joel doesn't have an ID. 24 years old, he should have been ready for this night! So we went to Dave and Busters, which was DEAD, followed by Applebees which was also DEAD. Yeah, it wasn't as fun of a night as we expected, but any night I go out, I always worry about drinking. I don't want to get behind the wheel thinking I'm sober if my BAC is over .04. That's right, said .04. The legal limit is .08, but for drivers with a Class B, it's .04, and I could get fired if I get popped!
Hopefully me and Joel will start getting tighter.
Oh and btw, my brother is an artist. The kid goes to Cooper Union, the top art school in the country. I wouldn't even give him the title "artist" unless he validated it with such an elite school. Mainly because most artists are a fucking joke. He got into the school bullshitting the judges, and since then, his whole point in art is to make people pissed off, and to show them they're not fucking oppressed. He keeps mentioning how all his art friends suddenly say "I think I'm gay".
Apparently, in the art community, if you're white, you're not oppressed. To become oppressed, you need to become gay. Hence the explanation behind hundreds of thousands of art kids finally becoming "homosexual" although they were born the other way. And lets not get into the debate about "are homosexuals born gay?" Personally, I'm a Christian, and I don't believe a homosexual lifestyle is conducive to what Jesus wants. But at the same time, me saying words like "fuck" and having sex before marriage ALSO aren't conducive to that, so I'm being fair!
But if you want to take the religious aspect out of it, lets go with science and darwinism. In the billions of years of the earth, no other animal species has ever been born "homosexual." Some shit heads point to the "gay penguins" at the Central Park Zoo, which suddenly stopped making news when they "broke up" and went back to being straight. But now, all of a sudden, people are being born gay. Is this evolution? No, because evolution is survival of the fittest, and being gay isn't conducive to survival. You cannot naturally reproduce in a gay relationship! Becoming gay does not ensure your survival. Sure, there's artificial insemination, but do you think these mutated (or evolved for the politically correct) consider that when they decide to pursue the next best step?
Personally, it doesn't bother me. I don't like seeing two dudes make out, because the idea of me kissing a guy makes me want to vomit. It's the same thing if I see someone eating that cheesy rice shit that makes me want to throw up. It's not discrimination, it's a matter of what makes my stomach turn. (And for all you non believers, someone dared me to kiss Joel once. I got close to his face and almost threw up. He had a beard, and his breath smelt like onions. Fucking nasty!)
So do I support gay marriage? Religiously, no. I believe instituting gay marriage is a direct violation of "Congress shall pass no law establishing one religion over another", because by making this law, they are essentially stating that the word marriage can be used to describe homosexuality, while some religions use marriage to describe holy matrimony between a man and a woman. It's not the government's job to decide what the word "marriage" is.
THAT BEING SAID, (and if you're going to quote me, don't be a fuckface and edit this part out), I believe congress should strip the word marriage from it's definition, and change it to unions for all couples. Let the churches decide what marriage is, but as far as government is concerned, man and woman = union. Man and man = union. Woman and man = union.
That also leaves out another important factor; what about people who want to marry their cousins? What about people who want to marry their brother? Sure, incest is fucking disgusting, but if we're going on this "If they're happy let them do what they want", or "if they love each other, that's all that matters", then why the fuck is it our business? Didn't we once label homosexuality as "gross"? Unions should apply to all 2 person unions, regardless of sex, religion, race, or relationship.
When I brought this up to people they said "that's gross", or "the child can have birth defects". Well, a child can also have birth defects when a parents smokes or drinks, yet it doesn't seem to stop them. So then would it be okay for only gay-incest unions? Like brother-brother? Because then they would HAVE to use artificial insemination.
What a stupid fucking argument. What a stupid point. Just make unions legal for all couples, the end. There are too many stupid laws, and it looks like this one is going to be ruled upon by the supreme court. There aren't enough politicians that will have the support of their constituents to pass this through, so they'll do the spineless thing and make the supreme court decide. Fuck this system man...
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Make a man shut up, give him a project!
Seriously, since buying this beater van, I haven't had anything to complain about. I want to make this thing look decent. It honestly looked and smelt like shit when I bought it a few days ago, but since then, I've cleaned it, ripped out all the beer-drenched carpet, and started installing foam. Oh, for the record, I have no fucking clue what I'm doing, nor have I ever done this before. But I figure since the van is a beater, what's the worst that can happen?
I'm probably going out with Joel tonight. I know tonight is supposed to be the biggest party night of the year, but whatevs!
2 years ago was the last time Sarah gave a shit about me! So shouldn't it be a celebration of getting abandoned by a woman I thought was the epitome of perfect? Pshhh...Like I said, I have a project now, so I don't worry about shit like being broken hearted.
Plus, she's always got these fucking things in her profile, that make me wonder if she's still dating the kid. Like "some dance to remember, others dance to forget". I guess I could straight up ask her, but I don't know. I feel like a fuck face talking about these things, it makes me feel like a creeper. Thanks you piece of shit-obsessive assholes for making me look like a dick! lol.
I should be out finding someone better, but I'll be honest, I have no fucking clue how to handle this teacher. Do I call her, do I text her, what? She doesn't even need attention, she's a confident woman! I gave my sister's manager a book today that I made for her. It shows what the steps of her life would be with me, versus her current boyfriend.
I don't even know what the fuck I want anymore ha.
I'm probably going out with Joel tonight. I know tonight is supposed to be the biggest party night of the year, but whatevs!
2 years ago was the last time Sarah gave a shit about me! So shouldn't it be a celebration of getting abandoned by a woman I thought was the epitome of perfect? Pshhh...Like I said, I have a project now, so I don't worry about shit like being broken hearted.
Plus, she's always got these fucking things in her profile, that make me wonder if she's still dating the kid. Like "some dance to remember, others dance to forget". I guess I could straight up ask her, but I don't know. I feel like a fuck face talking about these things, it makes me feel like a creeper. Thanks you piece of shit-obsessive assholes for making me look like a dick! lol.
I should be out finding someone better, but I'll be honest, I have no fucking clue how to handle this teacher. Do I call her, do I text her, what? She doesn't even need attention, she's a confident woman! I gave my sister's manager a book today that I made for her. It shows what the steps of her life would be with me, versus her current boyfriend.
I don't even know what the fuck I want anymore ha.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Interesting day...
Ugh, I'm feeling so fucking shitty man...
So the day started off with a trip to church. I haven't been in awhile. I was hoping God would speak to me. Maybe say something that would say "yo dude, this is the right path to enjoy life." Cause I'll be honest man, my life fucking sucks lately. I'm lonely as hell, I got no friends, I got jack shit man. And I always say it like it's a joke, but man, it's so fucking true, and so fucking pathetic, it's disgusting. Some days, I have no fucking clue what keeps me hanging on. I really don't.
And the worst part is, when I was like 12-13 years old, I remember thinking to myself "I wonder how my life is going to end?" And I always thought I'd live to be 26, and commit suicide. I just had one of those bad feelings, and worried it'll happen. Because it's almost every day I feel this way. I look at myself, and I try to stop living in the past. I can't. I gave up 7 years of my life, and now here I am: I'm fatter, with a receeding hairline. I used to be good looking. I used to be beautiful. Now I'm a fucking ugly wreck man, and I can't even change it. My hair is thinning every day.
So here comes the message: "The bible says thank God, and he will overflow your cup with blessings!" In fact, the whole service was about how remembering to thank God, and he will bless you so much, it'll be like your stomach is bursting with good shit.
Maybe I missed something. Because I remember when I started doing music again, I was crying in my car and repeatedly saying "thank you God, thanks...etc." and everytime something good happens, I thank God for it. I never ask God for anything, and even recently when I did, it lead to me fucking up my car again, me kicking everyone out of my band, just constant bad shit happening.
So what's the story? Is this a "JOB" situation? Where God takes everything away to test my faith? Because my faith is still strong. I still believe in God, and Jesus despite all the fucked up shit I go through. What am I going to do? Blame them? In some way or another, everything I do is my own fucking fault. But I wonder if shit will keep getting worse from this point on.
And I know one of the messages is "don't focus on what you don't have, focus on what you do have." I guess I struggle sometimes with that, but it's because everytime I see myself, I see ugly. My personality sucks, I'm a lonely fucking scumbag going absolutely nowhere in this life. But I thank God for what I do have, because I know it can be worse.
I just don't understand how it gets better from here. I bet my computer will stop working, my face will get burnt off...etc. I'm not going to stop loving/trusting God. I just have a sick sense of humor in this fucking life.
It's just I'm so tired. So tired of living to die. So tired of doing nothing. So tired of having no energy, no strength. Life fucking sucks. I'm never going to have the ability to date a woman who isn't a fucking psycho. I'm so sick of this shit man, seriously. I hate my fucking life, but I'm thankful for what I have. Am I on crack for saying that? What the fuck dude?
And to make things worse, I go to an engagement party afterwards. THe room was so filled with love, and fellowship, and there I was, the loneliest fucking person in the room. While everyone sat with friends, I sat with my parents like a fucking loser, barely talking to anyone. I played on the open mic. I opened my eyes a few times, and it seemed a bunch of people were really digging the music, but absolutely 0 people came up to me afterwards and said "good", or "you didn't suck!" I don't get it man. It fucking hurt. It was the first time I've played in 6 years, and the first time I've EVER played acoustic in front of people I don't know. And the only people to say anything were my parents who said "you hit every key...etc." But those are my fucking parents.
And the other thing is, at this engagement party, the two people getting engaged, Andy and Linnie, are so perfect for each other. I've never really seen them interact, except that you can just feel the love between them. And while I don't envy it, I WISH I FUCKING HAD THAT WITH SOMEBODY! And it kills me because I'm sick of the psychos, the women lacking confidence. And with this teacher, I don't know what the fuck is going on. It's almost as if, I already get the vibe that she's amazing, so I make myself fail. I know I can't make it with her.
It seems this whole world is against me. I hate it man, I really fucking do. I've got absolutely nothing but music, and even that gets old. I hate my life because I can't change what I hate about myself. And I write these things here because nobody can read them. I don't write them for sympathy, I write them because this is my venting space. Who knows if anyone will ever find this fucking shit?
The only positive today was that the pastor at the church is kind of the manager of his daughter's band. He was talking to me about stuff, and saying things like "yeah, most of these managers out here say shit, but they really have nothing to offer." He wanted to hear my demo. Of course, I thought of it just like the rest of our managers, and with all due respect to the fact that the man is a pastor, most of the managers I've met are fucking jerkoffs.
I checked out his daughter's bands page myspace.com/petrelmusic . They're alright, they could use a good songwriter, but they've got pictures with every major popstar out there. And apparently they opened with Miley Cyrus a week ago, so I mean, this guy appears to have the most legit connections out of anyone so far. It doesn't matter though. It'll be the same bullshit as usual. Oh me of little faith...
So the day started off with a trip to church. I haven't been in awhile. I was hoping God would speak to me. Maybe say something that would say "yo dude, this is the right path to enjoy life." Cause I'll be honest man, my life fucking sucks lately. I'm lonely as hell, I got no friends, I got jack shit man. And I always say it like it's a joke, but man, it's so fucking true, and so fucking pathetic, it's disgusting. Some days, I have no fucking clue what keeps me hanging on. I really don't.
And the worst part is, when I was like 12-13 years old, I remember thinking to myself "I wonder how my life is going to end?" And I always thought I'd live to be 26, and commit suicide. I just had one of those bad feelings, and worried it'll happen. Because it's almost every day I feel this way. I look at myself, and I try to stop living in the past. I can't. I gave up 7 years of my life, and now here I am: I'm fatter, with a receeding hairline. I used to be good looking. I used to be beautiful. Now I'm a fucking ugly wreck man, and I can't even change it. My hair is thinning every day.
So here comes the message: "The bible says thank God, and he will overflow your cup with blessings!" In fact, the whole service was about how remembering to thank God, and he will bless you so much, it'll be like your stomach is bursting with good shit.
Maybe I missed something. Because I remember when I started doing music again, I was crying in my car and repeatedly saying "thank you God, thanks...etc." and everytime something good happens, I thank God for it. I never ask God for anything, and even recently when I did, it lead to me fucking up my car again, me kicking everyone out of my band, just constant bad shit happening.
So what's the story? Is this a "JOB" situation? Where God takes everything away to test my faith? Because my faith is still strong. I still believe in God, and Jesus despite all the fucked up shit I go through. What am I going to do? Blame them? In some way or another, everything I do is my own fucking fault. But I wonder if shit will keep getting worse from this point on.
And I know one of the messages is "don't focus on what you don't have, focus on what you do have." I guess I struggle sometimes with that, but it's because everytime I see myself, I see ugly. My personality sucks, I'm a lonely fucking scumbag going absolutely nowhere in this life. But I thank God for what I do have, because I know it can be worse.
I just don't understand how it gets better from here. I bet my computer will stop working, my face will get burnt off...etc. I'm not going to stop loving/trusting God. I just have a sick sense of humor in this fucking life.
It's just I'm so tired. So tired of living to die. So tired of doing nothing. So tired of having no energy, no strength. Life fucking sucks. I'm never going to have the ability to date a woman who isn't a fucking psycho. I'm so sick of this shit man, seriously. I hate my fucking life, but I'm thankful for what I have. Am I on crack for saying that? What the fuck dude?
And to make things worse, I go to an engagement party afterwards. THe room was so filled with love, and fellowship, and there I was, the loneliest fucking person in the room. While everyone sat with friends, I sat with my parents like a fucking loser, barely talking to anyone. I played on the open mic. I opened my eyes a few times, and it seemed a bunch of people were really digging the music, but absolutely 0 people came up to me afterwards and said "good", or "you didn't suck!" I don't get it man. It fucking hurt. It was the first time I've played in 6 years, and the first time I've EVER played acoustic in front of people I don't know. And the only people to say anything were my parents who said "you hit every key...etc." But those are my fucking parents.
And the other thing is, at this engagement party, the two people getting engaged, Andy and Linnie, are so perfect for each other. I've never really seen them interact, except that you can just feel the love between them. And while I don't envy it, I WISH I FUCKING HAD THAT WITH SOMEBODY! And it kills me because I'm sick of the psychos, the women lacking confidence. And with this teacher, I don't know what the fuck is going on. It's almost as if, I already get the vibe that she's amazing, so I make myself fail. I know I can't make it with her.
It seems this whole world is against me. I hate it man, I really fucking do. I've got absolutely nothing but music, and even that gets old. I hate my life because I can't change what I hate about myself. And I write these things here because nobody can read them. I don't write them for sympathy, I write them because this is my venting space. Who knows if anyone will ever find this fucking shit?
The only positive today was that the pastor at the church is kind of the manager of his daughter's band. He was talking to me about stuff, and saying things like "yeah, most of these managers out here say shit, but they really have nothing to offer." He wanted to hear my demo. Of course, I thought of it just like the rest of our managers, and with all due respect to the fact that the man is a pastor, most of the managers I've met are fucking jerkoffs.
I checked out his daughter's bands page myspace.com/petrelmusic . They're alright, they could use a good songwriter, but they've got pictures with every major popstar out there. And apparently they opened with Miley Cyrus a week ago, so I mean, this guy appears to have the most legit connections out of anyone so far. It doesn't matter though. It'll be the same bullshit as usual. Oh me of little faith...
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Practice again? Yeppppp...
Practicing with Joel today! Pretty excited to be playing with my best friend again. We've got a bunch of other people who contacted me, interested in joining the band, so hopefully it'll all work out!
Friday, November 20, 2009
RRRRRR! >: 0 !
I suck when I meet a woman who is good for me!
I don't know why! I chilled with this girl last night, and at first I was kind of like "yeah man, maybe she's not my type" mainly cause she was a teacher, I was a busdriver, I figured most girls worry about shit like that!
But I always thought the girl was a straight up stunner! And after chilling with her last night, I'm hooked.
And now comes the "my own worst enemy part". The doubt, the "losing myself hoping I can make shit work"....the "she just got out of a 6 year relationship, she probably wants to be single!" part. I guess that's the biggest conflict. Because at this point in my life, I'm not looking for a hook up, or a good time. I want a girl that's going to help me better myself and push me to do the best I can!
Let's face it, I'm getting older man. I can't keep doing this bullshit; dating insane girls that treat me like a scumbag. I'm fucking sick of it man. I know I deserve better, but I think I got the same complex as women that date assholes! I can't keep a good girl, cause who the hell knows why? Must be my approach, the way I talk...or something!
But I don't know. I see the warning signs, and maybe that's why I'm worried about it today. I like taking things slowly, day by day, but this girl is a bomb waiting to happen. She's the type I fall too hard for! ANd don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting here saying "Oh yeah this is what's going to happen...", it's just she's got it in her...mainly because she's not a shitty woman!
So let's watch how fast I blow this shit!
I don't know why! I chilled with this girl last night, and at first I was kind of like "yeah man, maybe she's not my type" mainly cause she was a teacher, I was a busdriver, I figured most girls worry about shit like that!
But I always thought the girl was a straight up stunner! And after chilling with her last night, I'm hooked.
And now comes the "my own worst enemy part". The doubt, the "losing myself hoping I can make shit work"....the "she just got out of a 6 year relationship, she probably wants to be single!" part. I guess that's the biggest conflict. Because at this point in my life, I'm not looking for a hook up, or a good time. I want a girl that's going to help me better myself and push me to do the best I can!
Let's face it, I'm getting older man. I can't keep doing this bullshit; dating insane girls that treat me like a scumbag. I'm fucking sick of it man. I know I deserve better, but I think I got the same complex as women that date assholes! I can't keep a good girl, cause who the hell knows why? Must be my approach, the way I talk...or something!
But I don't know. I see the warning signs, and maybe that's why I'm worried about it today. I like taking things slowly, day by day, but this girl is a bomb waiting to happen. She's the type I fall too hard for! ANd don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting here saying "Oh yeah this is what's going to happen...", it's just she's got it in her...mainly because she's not a shitty woman!
So let's watch how fast I blow this shit!
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
How the fuck did we get here?
In some bizarre turn of events yesterday, the day ended on a completely high note.
Here's what happened:
-I emailed management company saying "I'm sick of doing nothing, I'm going to pursue all my contacts in order to get ahead in the business."
-In 10 minutes, they called me back, told me that Jimmy (the "guy who wants to be my manager") had been telling them he had put together a band for me and we were showcase ready.
-Later on, the owner of the company called me to ask me 10 million questions about the recording: who played on it, who paid for it, what I paid, what I wrote...etc.
-At the end of the conversation, tells me he had set up a meeting with Universal Republic on Thursday in NYC, and that he was intending to shop our full length album, under the impression that Jimmy ("the guy who wants to be my manager") had a showcase-ready band ready to go!
I took it in stride. It's what I needed, and it happened 10 minutes after I prayed to God that he'd help me out of this rut. So DUHH God answers prayers : D !
8 years ago, if you would have told me this, I'd probably shit my pants. Nowadays, I'm all either/or. I guess if I have to play in a pre-made band, it's what I'll do. I'd rather have people who just want to play music and be famous than dickheads who party/drink/smoke, contribute nothing, but bitch about how they want our songwriting to be a collusive process.
Now maybe God can help me get Sarah out of my head : /
Here's what happened:
-I emailed management company saying "I'm sick of doing nothing, I'm going to pursue all my contacts in order to get ahead in the business."
-In 10 minutes, they called me back, told me that Jimmy (the "guy who wants to be my manager") had been telling them he had put together a band for me and we were showcase ready.
-Later on, the owner of the company called me to ask me 10 million questions about the recording: who played on it, who paid for it, what I paid, what I wrote...etc.
-At the end of the conversation, tells me he had set up a meeting with Universal Republic on Thursday in NYC, and that he was intending to shop our full length album, under the impression that Jimmy ("the guy who wants to be my manager") had a showcase-ready band ready to go!
I took it in stride. It's what I needed, and it happened 10 minutes after I prayed to God that he'd help me out of this rut. So DUHH God answers prayers : D !
8 years ago, if you would have told me this, I'd probably shit my pants. Nowadays, I'm all either/or. I guess if I have to play in a pre-made band, it's what I'll do. I'd rather have people who just want to play music and be famous than dickheads who party/drink/smoke, contribute nothing, but bitch about how they want our songwriting to be a collusive process.
Now maybe God can help me get Sarah out of my head : /
Monday, November 9, 2009
Hate
I hate the fact that there's always something that reminds me of her. Whenever I say "lets forget it", there's always something there to remind me of her perfection. I hate the fact she's still with that fucking dude. I hate the fact that I feel like I can never move on.
I guess a conflicted songwriter is always a good one. But it sucks man. I always get so filled with hope that one day I'll wake up and the nightmare will be over, and I can finally make her mine, and I wish I could make it end.
I really hate the fact that all I fucking do is think about her. Maybe it has to do with my music, because my favorite songs I wrote are about her. Maybe that's why they're my favorite songs. But I hate the fact I'm too loyal to love, because when I love someone, I never want to let them go. And loving someone is "letting them go". And I let her go, but down inside, I feel like I regretted it forever.
"Love" is too overused in our society, and damn, I wish I could erase it. Everytime I see the pictures of her, and her damn smile, I can't help but think how perfect she is, how intelligent she is, how she had the attitude, the strength, and the rare trait of being a respectful woman who can make it in this world with or without anyone. I swear, this girl has a "Something about Mary" syndrome.
And I've lost it all man. How can I let another person do this to me? I let this shit happen, man. After she was gone, I didn't care anymore. It's been a steady decline in my quality of life man. 2 years ago, I came home from the navy, and I had a ton of friends I'd party with. They're all gone. Not because they left, because I let them leave. I just really didn't give a shit. I mean, how can you expect someone to find every walking trait they've ever desired in a female, and then lose it, and still somehow find a reason to want to be alive?
I went from being her lover, to a "great friend", to just a 'friendly face of the past'. And unfortunately, it's all I ever can be anymore. Sure, she'll always look upon me with fond memories because when her "true love" was gone from her life, I replaced him in every way possible, but that's all. What else do I have?
And what killed this? It was the fucking Navy. The god damn mother fucking Navy ruined this. When I got sent to Italy I lost 2 fucking weeks I could have spent giving her every reason in the world why I was the best bet for her life. We had so many things planned, surfing, pumpkin picking, just so many good times, and they'll never happen because the Navy sent me to Italy the one month she happened to come back on Long Island.
God damn, I wish I could forget her. It haunts me man. It seriously hurts in such a good way. Because I love thinking about her, but I have to move on man. I'm gonna be 26.
Today at my school (I'm a busdriver), one of the teachers has been trying to set me up with another teacher there. The teacher came up to me today, and she is stunning. But it's so hard for me to let this go. Maybe I'm scared. I'm scared that one day she'll drop where she's at, and become free, but I'll never be able to catch her.
Alright, I gotta stop living in the past. I gotta stop. It's getting me nowhere.
But I know I won't. Because my mind is an asshole, and I'll still think about her and write songs about her, and make money off of songs I write about her. Fuck man....fuck...
I guess a conflicted songwriter is always a good one. But it sucks man. I always get so filled with hope that one day I'll wake up and the nightmare will be over, and I can finally make her mine, and I wish I could make it end.
I really hate the fact that all I fucking do is think about her. Maybe it has to do with my music, because my favorite songs I wrote are about her. Maybe that's why they're my favorite songs. But I hate the fact I'm too loyal to love, because when I love someone, I never want to let them go. And loving someone is "letting them go". And I let her go, but down inside, I feel like I regretted it forever.
"Love" is too overused in our society, and damn, I wish I could erase it. Everytime I see the pictures of her, and her damn smile, I can't help but think how perfect she is, how intelligent she is, how she had the attitude, the strength, and the rare trait of being a respectful woman who can make it in this world with or without anyone. I swear, this girl has a "Something about Mary" syndrome.
And I've lost it all man. How can I let another person do this to me? I let this shit happen, man. After she was gone, I didn't care anymore. It's been a steady decline in my quality of life man. 2 years ago, I came home from the navy, and I had a ton of friends I'd party with. They're all gone. Not because they left, because I let them leave. I just really didn't give a shit. I mean, how can you expect someone to find every walking trait they've ever desired in a female, and then lose it, and still somehow find a reason to want to be alive?
I went from being her lover, to a "great friend", to just a 'friendly face of the past'. And unfortunately, it's all I ever can be anymore. Sure, she'll always look upon me with fond memories because when her "true love" was gone from her life, I replaced him in every way possible, but that's all. What else do I have?
And what killed this? It was the fucking Navy. The god damn mother fucking Navy ruined this. When I got sent to Italy I lost 2 fucking weeks I could have spent giving her every reason in the world why I was the best bet for her life. We had so many things planned, surfing, pumpkin picking, just so many good times, and they'll never happen because the Navy sent me to Italy the one month she happened to come back on Long Island.
God damn, I wish I could forget her. It haunts me man. It seriously hurts in such a good way. Because I love thinking about her, but I have to move on man. I'm gonna be 26.
Today at my school (I'm a busdriver), one of the teachers has been trying to set me up with another teacher there. The teacher came up to me today, and she is stunning. But it's so hard for me to let this go. Maybe I'm scared. I'm scared that one day she'll drop where she's at, and become free, but I'll never be able to catch her.
Alright, I gotta stop living in the past. I gotta stop. It's getting me nowhere.
But I know I won't. Because my mind is an asshole, and I'll still think about her and write songs about her, and make money off of songs I write about her. Fuck man....fuck...
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Sell some music yo!
I'm going to start trying to sell my music. At first I was against it, but a combination of being screwed over and being broke changed my mind. I'm sure some of these tool-ass bands in this industry could use my music to get ahead.
If I got real vocals on songs like "FOREVER NEVER ENDS" or "SHE NEVER GETS WHAT SHE WANTS" or even "6TH ATTEMPT" I really think that these songs could be big.
And then I could live life as a songwriter: Waking up whenever I want. Doing nothing all day. Waiting to get paid. The end.
If I got real vocals on songs like "FOREVER NEVER ENDS" or "SHE NEVER GETS WHAT SHE WANTS" or even "6TH ATTEMPT" I really think that these songs could be big.
And then I could live life as a songwriter: Waking up whenever I want. Doing nothing all day. Waiting to get paid. The end.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Clueless
Life just seems like such bullshit lately. My life is just so pathetic it's disgusting. I can't even write the details here because it's so fucking embarrassing.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Blah blah blah
Yeah, I know, this is twice in a day. I'm just really happy about the way this song sounds so far. : D
I wrote a beautiful song today
I wanted an acoustic song for this album, and generally, it's rare for me to write a song that I expect to be on an upcoming album, but I'm extremely happy with it. I sing a bit differently than most of my songs. It's about me being called to Kuwait mixed with fear, and praying to God that I could relive the best days of my life one more time before I'm taken to heaven. Of course, it sounds like a bumble fuck here.
I start it by saying "Dear Jenna". Because she inspired me to write this again. Her inspiration was dead to me, but after seeing the video again, I'm feeling partly alive, and I'm using it to script something sweet.
I don't worry what people think when they hear I write songs about them, or find out that I have incredibly deep emotions for them when they hear the songs anymore. To me, they are already nothing but a sweet memory. What's the worst that can happen? By them hating the song/hating me, it could never change their memory, or what it meant to me, or what the songs represents.
So write away : ) !
I start it by saying "Dear Jenna". Because she inspired me to write this again. Her inspiration was dead to me, but after seeing the video again, I'm feeling partly alive, and I'm using it to script something sweet.
I don't worry what people think when they hear I write songs about them, or find out that I have incredibly deep emotions for them when they hear the songs anymore. To me, they are already nothing but a sweet memory. What's the worst that can happen? By them hating the song/hating me, it could never change their memory, or what it meant to me, or what the songs represents.
So write away : ) !
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)