Ugh, I'm feeling so fucking shitty man...
So the day started off with a trip to church. I haven't been in awhile. I was hoping God would speak to me. Maybe say something that would say "yo dude, this is the right path to enjoy life." Cause I'll be honest man, my life fucking sucks lately. I'm lonely as hell, I got no friends, I got jack shit man. And I always say it like it's a joke, but man, it's so fucking true, and so fucking pathetic, it's disgusting. Some days, I have no fucking clue what keeps me hanging on. I really don't.
And the worst part is, when I was like 12-13 years old, I remember thinking to myself "I wonder how my life is going to end?" And I always thought I'd live to be 26, and commit suicide. I just had one of those bad feelings, and worried it'll happen. Because it's almost every day I feel this way. I look at myself, and I try to stop living in the past. I can't. I gave up 7 years of my life, and now here I am: I'm fatter, with a receeding hairline. I used to be good looking. I used to be beautiful. Now I'm a fucking ugly wreck man, and I can't even change it. My hair is thinning every day.
So here comes the message: "The bible says thank God, and he will overflow your cup with blessings!" In fact, the whole service was about how remembering to thank God, and he will bless you so much, it'll be like your stomach is bursting with good shit.
Maybe I missed something. Because I remember when I started doing music again, I was crying in my car and repeatedly saying "thank you God, thanks...etc." and everytime something good happens, I thank God for it. I never ask God for anything, and even recently when I did, it lead to me fucking up my car again, me kicking everyone out of my band, just constant bad shit happening.
So what's the story? Is this a "JOB" situation? Where God takes everything away to test my faith? Because my faith is still strong. I still believe in God, and Jesus despite all the fucked up shit I go through. What am I going to do? Blame them? In some way or another, everything I do is my own fucking fault. But I wonder if shit will keep getting worse from this point on.
And I know one of the messages is "don't focus on what you don't have, focus on what you do have." I guess I struggle sometimes with that, but it's because everytime I see myself, I see ugly. My personality sucks, I'm a lonely fucking scumbag going absolutely nowhere in this life. But I thank God for what I do have, because I know it can be worse.
I just don't understand how it gets better from here. I bet my computer will stop working, my face will get burnt off...etc. I'm not going to stop loving/trusting God. I just have a sick sense of humor in this fucking life.
It's just I'm so tired. So tired of living to die. So tired of doing nothing. So tired of having no energy, no strength. Life fucking sucks. I'm never going to have the ability to date a woman who isn't a fucking psycho. I'm so sick of this shit man, seriously. I hate my fucking life, but I'm thankful for what I have. Am I on crack for saying that? What the fuck dude?
And to make things worse, I go to an engagement party afterwards. THe room was so filled with love, and fellowship, and there I was, the loneliest fucking person in the room. While everyone sat with friends, I sat with my parents like a fucking loser, barely talking to anyone. I played on the open mic. I opened my eyes a few times, and it seemed a bunch of people were really digging the music, but absolutely 0 people came up to me afterwards and said "good", or "you didn't suck!" I don't get it man. It fucking hurt. It was the first time I've played in 6 years, and the first time I've EVER played acoustic in front of people I don't know. And the only people to say anything were my parents who said "you hit every key...etc." But those are my fucking parents.
And the other thing is, at this engagement party, the two people getting engaged, Andy and Linnie, are so perfect for each other. I've never really seen them interact, except that you can just feel the love between them. And while I don't envy it, I WISH I FUCKING HAD THAT WITH SOMEBODY! And it kills me because I'm sick of the psychos, the women lacking confidence. And with this teacher, I don't know what the fuck is going on. It's almost as if, I already get the vibe that she's amazing, so I make myself fail. I know I can't make it with her.
It seems this whole world is against me. I hate it man, I really fucking do. I've got absolutely nothing but music, and even that gets old. I hate my life because I can't change what I hate about myself. And I write these things here because nobody can read them. I don't write them for sympathy, I write them because this is my venting space. Who knows if anyone will ever find this fucking shit?
The only positive today was that the pastor at the church is kind of the manager of his daughter's band. He was talking to me about stuff, and saying things like "yeah, most of these managers out here say shit, but they really have nothing to offer." He wanted to hear my demo. Of course, I thought of it just like the rest of our managers, and with all due respect to the fact that the man is a pastor, most of the managers I've met are fucking jerkoffs.
I checked out his daughter's bands page myspace.com/petrelmusic . They're alright, they could use a good songwriter, but they've got pictures with every major popstar out there. And apparently they opened with Miley Cyrus a week ago, so I mean, this guy appears to have the most legit connections out of anyone so far. It doesn't matter though. It'll be the same bullshit as usual. Oh me of little faith...
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