Hate

I hate the fact that there's always something that reminds me of her. Whenever I say "lets forget it", there's always something there to remind me of her perfection. I hate the fact she's still with that fucking dude. I hate the fact that I feel like I can never move on.

I guess a conflicted songwriter is always a good one. But it sucks man. I always get so filled with hope that one day I'll wake up and the nightmare will be over, and I can finally make her mine, and I wish I could make it end.

I really hate the fact that all I fucking do is think about her. Maybe it has to do with my music, because my favorite songs I wrote are about her. Maybe that's why they're my favorite songs. But I hate the fact I'm too loyal to love, because when I love someone, I never want to let them go. And loving someone is "letting them go". And I let her go, but down inside, I feel like I regretted it forever.

"Love" is too overused in our society, and damn, I wish I could erase it. Everytime I see the pictures of her, and her damn smile, I can't help but think how perfect she is, how intelligent she is, how she had the attitude, the strength, and the rare trait of being a respectful woman who can make it in this world with or without anyone. I swear, this girl has a "Something about Mary" syndrome.

And I've lost it all man. How can I let another person do this to me? I let this shit happen, man. After she was gone, I didn't care anymore. It's been a steady decline in my quality of life man. 2 years ago, I came home from the navy, and I had a ton of friends I'd party with. They're all gone. Not because they left, because I let them leave. I just really didn't give a shit. I mean, how can you expect someone to find every walking trait they've ever desired in a female, and then lose it, and still somehow find a reason to want to be alive?

I went from being her lover, to a "great friend", to just a 'friendly face of the past'. And unfortunately, it's all I ever can be anymore. Sure, she'll always look upon me with fond memories because when her "true love" was gone from her life, I replaced him in every way possible, but that's all. What else do I have?

And what killed this? It was the fucking Navy. The god damn mother fucking Navy ruined this. When I got sent to Italy I lost 2 fucking weeks I could have spent giving her every reason in the world why I was the best bet for her life. We had so many things planned, surfing, pumpkin picking, just so many good times, and they'll never happen because the Navy sent me to Italy the one month she happened to come back on Long Island.

God damn, I wish I could forget her. It haunts me man. It seriously hurts in such a good way. Because I love thinking about her, but I have to move on man. I'm gonna be 26.

Today at my school (I'm a busdriver), one of the teachers has been trying to set me up with another teacher there. The teacher came up to me today, and she is stunning. But it's so hard for me to let this go. Maybe I'm scared. I'm scared that one day she'll drop where she's at, and become free, but I'll never be able to catch her.

Alright, I gotta stop living in the past. I gotta stop. It's getting me nowhere.

But I know I won't. Because my mind is an asshole, and I'll still think about her and write songs about her, and make money off of songs I write about her. Fuck man....fuck...