Crossroads

Sighhhh....

When I first hear of things happening, other than FEMALES, I tend to let the effects trickle down. Sometimes it hits me after a day or two, sometimes it never hits me at all. For example, 3 different people I knew during the Navy died while young and NOT in a combat zone. 2 from a drunk driving related incident, 1 from an idiotic tryst at "quick draw". Still, I feel no remorse. Not because I am cold and heartless, but because these things don't HIT me. It may also be a combination of my life and the celerity with which people come and go; almost everyone I've ever known is already "dead" to me other than those who are active in my life.

So, I begin to question, when push comes to shove, where do I stand?

WHat it comes down to is the management team I was working with was suggesting numbers (financially) that they believed the could get invested in me, and how it could benefit my career. The number thrown around was $100,000. In case you can't read that correctly, it's one hundred thousand dollars.

I took in stride at first as more bullshit manager talk. I've heard it all before. I mean honestly, about 75 times last year "These labels are interested in you except you don't have a band...etc." Even my friend Scotty D who works at Epic Records told me "I've been passing your shit to dudes at the label, it's getting a ton of buzz. You need to get a band together ASAP."

Great, I'm the fucking hit song writer that has no band. Whatever.

Maybe this means something though. Maybe it's time for me to show the world the strength of believing in yourself and true ambitions. Maybe it's time for one band to come along with the music to make it, that strives to remain small in order to keep up musical integrity.

What does this mean for me?

First off, if they sit me down and actually make me a formal offer, it's going to be hard to pass up. But I want it to be my crowning achievement. I'll say no. Why? Because I'm fucking insane that's why. Because I love having music that I wrote, and having the rights to use it for whatever the hell I choose. I love the idea of having my own record label. I LOVE THE IDEA OF BEING ABLE TO HAVE FULL CREATIVE RIGHTS TO SAY WHAT GOES INTO MY MUSIC.

I don't want fame. Why? Because fame will fuck it all up. I will be the most lonely person in the world. I already know it. I will become suicidal. Because the idea of becoming a martyr or a musician who's life got cut short appeals to me. It escalates the importance of their music. If I stay little known, and refuse the big paychecks, I'm changing the course. I'm being me, I'm being true to myself, and I'm setting a standard for all musicians to follow: Don't chase fame, chase musical perfection.

It makes me think of other things. Burning passion I have inside of me. To get my ass back to California. To love the life I'm living. To wake up, see the sun, and feel inspired. To love BEING ALIVE <3!

I have felt about 150% alive the last week. Since deciding to move back west. I am ready to start over. To play music, to surf, to make awesome friends, to NEVER WANT TO SLEEP. I am ready to fall head over heels in love. Dude, I have an uncanny ability to be faithful/loyal to a girlfriend, and to fight all outer temptation! "OH YEAH, FRED?!? THATS WHAT ALL GUYS SAY!!!" Watch me pass up $100,000 and then tell me I'm like every other guy! Watch me stay loyal to who I am and then I dare you to fucking tell me I'm like every other guy. I don't want to sleep around, I don't want 500 girls, I want one who inspires me and I inspire her. She ain't out here in NY that's for DAMN sure! I want to bring out the best inside of me and stop wasting it on bullshit!

So lets see, $100,000 or opportunity? A chance at eternal youth. I don't have to grow old. I'M FINALLY LIVING LIFE FOR ME AND I'VE NEVER FELT BETTER!

I am getting ready to sell everything I own. I'm starting to see the pointlessness in possessions. All you need in life is love, and as absurd as it sounds, it's so fucking true. I'd even sell my computer if I had to. This life is meant to live, and I don't need all the extra bullshit to live!

All I need is music and words to survive. And I'm ready to abandon all the shallow "opportunity" on the east coast.

If you talked to me at 17 and told me everything I posted here, I'd be shitting my pants. Back then, this was EVERYTHING I WANTED. I would want to smack myself in the face for trying to run away from a huge cash investment, and doing showcases for labels.

But like I said, there's no fun in life in being like everyone else. I don't want fame. I want the good life. And I'm going to get the good life : D .

Love