Productively Pointless Day

Word...I'm pretty much waiting until we move. No, not the move to California! The move to our new house! Yeah, my parents got approved for an mortgage and they're moving to a new house which isn't far from where we are at. I tried telling them to move out west, but they don't agree! Whattt!?!

I kind of got a crazy shocker today when I started to realize that I'm actually going nowhere in life. Sure, there's the music. There's the band, but then I lose confidence when I start to see the millions of amounts of bands out there. The only way to separate us from the rest of them is for me to just fucking be myself, and the problem with that is I constantly lose sight of who I really am.

I expatiate through the different degrees of my character in both my words and in real life. One side of me wants to be the straight-edge, responsible kid who says "fuck you" to what society wants, and then the other part of me wants to be the heavy drinking/partying asshole who says "fuck you" to society wants. Well, the clarifies one thing: I don't give a fuck what society wants.

I've held myself back for too long at the risk of being "cocky". I'm unsure if I should begin getting a band together out here while I'm waiting, or if I should wait to move out west. The band thing out here, perhaps hired guns. I feel naked without a band. Sure, I could play acoustic shows, but like, who the fuck cares? My music isn't meant for acoustic. It's meant for loud and energy.

I think about the shows we never played. Opening for some big "flavor of the month band" that'll be broken up in a year anyway at the Crazy Donkey out here, and starting the show with the WHOA'S in SHE NEVER GETS WHAT SHE WANTS and the whole crowd just being turned onto the energy. I remember watching Cobra Starship play, Relient K, Copeland...etc. All these bands. Their opening songs seemed to be diffident at best; I couldn't even believe they were excited to be playing. But man, if we could just find musicians who had the right equipment and licks to play this shit, dude we'd turn that fucking joint upside down. The whole set would move with such energy and people would be like "HOLY FUCK WHAT A SHOW!"

The problem is down inside I KNOW I have what it takes to be famous. I know I have the ability to create my own style, be my own asshole self, and play my own music that will jettison me straight to the top. See, I'm no fucking follower like these erudites of the scene who follow every popular trend. I make my own style. I do my own thing. But I've been too reserved in that. I haven't been the old ROCKSTAR that I used to be.

Because I want it to be the surf look. I want to bring back the pooka beads, the shell necklaces. Fuck, I'll give myself a mohawk and dye it blue. That's who I really am inside. Part of me is afraid to let that side out, and I don't know why. Cause the truth is, I really don't give a fuck. But I act like I do. When I let my head get involved, I start worrying.

For example, this whole fucking post. What the hell am I writing about? I've done nothing today. I sat at home, practiced guitar, practiced singing, started learning a new language, learned some facts about our presidents...yeah, I'm a fucking nerd, I like being intelligent, believe it or not. I always want people to expect the unexpected with me.

I guess the final question is this: What do I do? Do I work with these managers and guarantee myself a spot in the industry, or do I do my own thing, and start from scratch?

At first I wanted to say "fuck you" to the money, "fuck you" to the industry. But then I realized, I can't do this on my own. That's what I'm trying to do. I want to keep the music alive, I want to sell 5,000 CDs, but I over analyze every fucking thing I do, and every thing I say. I'm scared to go up to people I don't know and talk to them. It's the same reason I HATE approaching chicas at bars and shit: because they've heard it all a million times before. How am I going to convince someone to buy my CD when there are 34098q34 billion fucking bands doing it because THEY CAN? It's something to consider...which way to go....