I've felt dead this past week. I've felt like a living shell of a body with nothing inside.
Dead at 26, ha.
I wrote a suicide note today. I didn't plan on killing myself, but I wrote it to see how I'd feel.
I can't imagine how the fuck to get out of this rut.
It's really one of the first times I've ever felt like I have no hope. I have no direction.
I'm lost.
I have no passion for anything I do right now.
The world is just getting darker and colder every day.
I feel like I've become black and white, inside and outside.
I don't know what I like, what I believe in (other than God) or what I want. Where I need to go.
It's terrible. I've never felt this way before. Never.
I've never felt better off dead in my life.
We tell people "you have so much to live for", but what?
What is there to live for?
The career I may never know is "for me"? The womAn I'll never meet? To write music that nobody hears?
Nobody knows how I feel inside. Nobody knows that I'm already dead.
I don't know if I'd ever kill myself, although the idea of eternal rest sounds intriguing to me.
Because at this point, I'm close to believing there's nothing in this life that I would miss.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Why tonight?
I know, I type a lot when I have too much on my mind.
I watched a TERRIBLE play at my brother's school. It's supposed to teach kids about bullying, but it totally missed the point.
It focused on a brother and a sister. It made it look like they came from an abusive home.
This was some of the kids on my bus. They had NOBODY that fucking cared man. They had nobody that were showing them anything good in life. And I feel responsible. I feel like I COULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE PERSON TO ENCOURAGE THEM TO STAY STRONG! And I fucking blew it.
I should have known better. I didn't fucking think. I WASN'T FUCKING THINKING.
I feel like if any of these kids one day does something dumb because they have a mom that doesn't love them, or a dad that doesn't care, I COULD have changed it, if only I had still been there and talked some fucking sense into them.
One kid on my bus was CONVINCED that one day he was going to go to prison. He was a 6th grader, with an abusive father. I OPENED his eyes to music. Since then, the kid has put all his energy into becoming a prolific musician.
Who's going to do that now? What busdrivers actually listen to these kids?
HEADS UP TEACHERS: You're not listening to them. HEADS UP PARENTS: You're not listening to them either. How fucking sad is it that the ONLY person who possibly prevented this kid from a criminal life is his busdriver?
I can't stand to watch a car on fire, with victims inside, continue to burn. I've gone way THE FUCK ABOVE my responsibilities to do everything for these kids.
It just hurts. I didn't get to defend myself. It sounds so bad on paper, but in reality, these kids were like siblings to me.
If they weren't, I wouldn't be torn up about this. I wouldn't actually be in emotional pain. I blame myself. Because what if one of these kids becomes BAD because I wasn't there to save them. It's my fault for being cavalier. I wasn't responsible like I should have been. Now, if any of these kids does something bad with themselves, I'm going to blame myself.
I watched a TERRIBLE play at my brother's school. It's supposed to teach kids about bullying, but it totally missed the point.
It focused on a brother and a sister. It made it look like they came from an abusive home.
This was some of the kids on my bus. They had NOBODY that fucking cared man. They had nobody that were showing them anything good in life. And I feel responsible. I feel like I COULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE PERSON TO ENCOURAGE THEM TO STAY STRONG! And I fucking blew it.
I should have known better. I didn't fucking think. I WASN'T FUCKING THINKING.
I feel like if any of these kids one day does something dumb because they have a mom that doesn't love them, or a dad that doesn't care, I COULD have changed it, if only I had still been there and talked some fucking sense into them.
One kid on my bus was CONVINCED that one day he was going to go to prison. He was a 6th grader, with an abusive father. I OPENED his eyes to music. Since then, the kid has put all his energy into becoming a prolific musician.
Who's going to do that now? What busdrivers actually listen to these kids?
HEADS UP TEACHERS: You're not listening to them. HEADS UP PARENTS: You're not listening to them either. How fucking sad is it that the ONLY person who possibly prevented this kid from a criminal life is his busdriver?
I can't stand to watch a car on fire, with victims inside, continue to burn. I've gone way THE FUCK ABOVE my responsibilities to do everything for these kids.
It just hurts. I didn't get to defend myself. It sounds so bad on paper, but in reality, these kids were like siblings to me.
If they weren't, I wouldn't be torn up about this. I wouldn't actually be in emotional pain. I blame myself. Because what if one of these kids becomes BAD because I wasn't there to save them. It's my fault for being cavalier. I wasn't responsible like I should have been. Now, if any of these kids does something bad with themselves, I'm going to blame myself.
: /
One of the kids just wrote me a message on Facebook:
"=( we need u, like u dont understand how much u helped us, me and michelle,
the advice u gave us i dont think were gona ever hear it from someone elses mouth,
like am bout to start crying... lol
like its not fair at all just cuz of one little thing ur not working in sh anymore..? thats so fucking stupid
like everyone loved u here still does, u were mad nice and chill gave the best advice u made us realize how guys really r!!! (dicks)
like i dont know how me and michelle r gona survive without ur advice
but am glad to hear ur ok? "
: (
"=( we need u, like u dont understand how much u helped us, me and michelle,
the advice u gave us i dont think were gona ever hear it from someone elses mouth,
like am bout to start crying... lol
like its not fair at all just cuz of one little thing ur not working in sh anymore..? thats so fucking stupid
like everyone loved u here still does, u were mad nice and chill gave the best advice u made us realize how guys really r!!! (dicks)
like i dont know how me and michelle r gona survive without ur advice
but am glad to hear ur ok? "
: (
Lonely
My new run is a small bus. I drive to Orient Point every day, two times a day. For people who don't know Long Island, Orient Point is the very end of Long Island, on the North Fork. It's about 75 miles away from my house, and maybe 60 away from the bus yard. There is one kid on the route, an autistic kid who doesn't speak.
I went from being the hero, the role model, the "big brother" of 60 kids to a nobody, who drives a bus on a long, beautiful and peaceful route. I spend 7 hours a day driving, most with no noise. No kids excited to see me. No kids talking to me who need direction from the parents they don't have. No kids asking me to help them with their homework. No kids asking me to read them stories. No girls asking me what types of dudes to stay away from. No dudes asking me how to get over girls. Nothing.
Seriously, I'm in pain. I've lost my family. It breaks my heart. THe more I think about it, the more I want to fucking cry about it.
For some of these kids, I was the only fucking person who believed in them. I was the only fucking person who cared about their day. For some kids, I helped them see the silver lining in the clouds.
I'm trying not to think about it man. I have to just forget it. But you watch these kids grow up, and you never see them again, and then it's like being punched in the stomach every time you think about it.
I wish I could fight it. I really do. I told my boss, let me speak with the principal, let me speak with the school board, let me speak with the parents. I understand though. She's a business woman. This isn't good for her business. She's gotta do what they want.
So now, I get to spend 7 hours a day driving in the peaceful countryside of Long Island. "Wine country" as they call it. North of the Hamptons. It's beautiful. But it's just me. And nobody else.
I went from being the hero, the role model, the "big brother" of 60 kids to a nobody, who drives a bus on a long, beautiful and peaceful route. I spend 7 hours a day driving, most with no noise. No kids excited to see me. No kids talking to me who need direction from the parents they don't have. No kids asking me to help them with their homework. No kids asking me to read them stories. No girls asking me what types of dudes to stay away from. No dudes asking me how to get over girls. Nothing.
Seriously, I'm in pain. I've lost my family. It breaks my heart. THe more I think about it, the more I want to fucking cry about it.
For some of these kids, I was the only fucking person who believed in them. I was the only fucking person who cared about their day. For some kids, I helped them see the silver lining in the clouds.
I'm trying not to think about it man. I have to just forget it. But you watch these kids grow up, and you never see them again, and then it's like being punched in the stomach every time you think about it.
I wish I could fight it. I really do. I told my boss, let me speak with the principal, let me speak with the school board, let me speak with the parents. I understand though. She's a business woman. This isn't good for her business. She's gotta do what they want.
So now, I get to spend 7 hours a day driving in the peaceful countryside of Long Island. "Wine country" as they call it. North of the Hamptons. It's beautiful. But it's just me. And nobody else.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Sunshine behind the storm
It was a terrible week. It really was. A nightmare week.
I lost my bus run. I kept my job, but lost my love for it. I'm making way less money, but still trying to trust that behind it all, there is a bright and shining sun.
I treated all the kids like they were little brothers and sisters to me, and in the end, it became a problem. I allowed kids to get away with too much, and it wound up nearly costing me my job. One parent spun one small thing into a major problem. I let a kid on the bus without a note. Oh, and apparently when kids were climbing on me, it doesn't bode well for a male bus driver. Sometimes the kids would sit in the seat with me (while the bus was parked at the school) and pretend to be a busdriver. I used to let them sit in the seat by themselves but one almost hit the emergency breaks.
People look at it in a different way though, when you get too close with the kids. It makes sense, I understand, but I never thought about it that way. There are sick people in this world. The saddest thing for me is the fact that these kids meant the world to me, and any possibility that thoughts went thru my bosses head that I would ever do anything to hurt the kids actually makes me physically sick. I felt like vomitting when my boss talked to me and said "The Principal said one of the kids was sitting on your lap in the bus seat (while the bus was parked at the school)". It made me sick because I finally realized how this was being twisted. I can't defend the fact that I didn't throw the kid off of my seat. I just looked at them all like they were family members, and that was the problem.
It almost reduces me to tears. It makes me want to give up. It makes me want to hit the reset button on my entire life. I hate the idea of suicide, really, but last week, the idea of ending it all crossed my mind a few times. I lost everything. I lost what's been my identity the last few years. I was a hero to these kids. And now, I have no idea how they perceive me.
Their perception: "male bus drivers are pedophiles". Apparently, according to my co-worker, this is a perception some people have. This makes me want to quit the job even more. It's a DISGUSTING fucking stereotype. It pisses me off because I want to murder all pedophiles. If it were up to me, I wouldn't just kill them, I would torture them to death. They are the absolute SCUM of this fucking earth, the biggest pieces of shit. They ruin lives, they ruin families. I hope they all go to fucking hell. And I can't even type these words thinking that anyone could possibly put me in that fucking light. It makes my entire body want to vomit out of every sweat gland. I feel weak writing these words. And whenever I heard about scumbags like this in the news, it made me think, if anyone ever did anything to my kids, I would murder them. I don't even care.
I fought so hard for the run I have, and I've done so much to work with the kids on my bus to better their lives. Like when one kid talks about how he can't wait to get out of prison when he's older, because he's convinced he's heading that way, and I encourage him to find his creative side (music). When one kid talks about killing himself, and I tell him to use the negative energy to better himself and find passion in something that will make him better in life. When a 5 year old girl on my bus jumps up on me and curls up in my lap and I yell "What do I look like, a COUCH?!?!?!" and she says "no, you look like my daddy" and sounds like she's ready to cry. It breaks my heart that I was the only positive male influence in this poor girl's life, so I always made sure that every day I asked her how her day was, so she felt like somebody gave a shit. When one kid is frightened to go home with an older boy who lives at her home, and I report it to the school nurse, worried that something wrong is going on. Apparently, the child's home had CPS called 4 or 5 times, and the claim was somewhat legitimate. The kid moved out a week later. Did I change something? WHO THE FUCK KNOWS!?! BUT WHO THE FUCK ELSE would have paid attention to the lives of these kids?
I always went ABOVE and beyond at my job. The parents loved me, the kids loved me, the teachers loved me. I did my best to be a positive role model to all these kids. And now, it's all gone.
And in this world where bad things happen, I took pride in being a positive influence in the lives of these kids. I was there for them whenever they were upset. When they looked ready to cry, I may have been the only person to notice. Some of them have no mother. Some of them have no father. I was the closest thing they had to somebody who actually fucking gave a shit.
With all these shitty things, I try looking at the positive. Good things will come. I just gotta keep my chin up and my faith in God. While it emotionally hurts me to watch these kids I've spent the last 4 years watching over disappear, I know it's for the best.
I was getting too wrapped up in "being the busdriver". I loved my job. I considered saying "fuck it" to every other thing in my life, and going nowhere. This is why I lost it all. I think God is trying to tell me to become what I'm supposed to be, and stop trying to fight it.
Not that I'm putting words in God's mouth, but in the back of my head, I knew the hours I worked were preventing me from pursuing my dreams, and my creativity. God gave me the ability to write music and make cartoons for a reason. I never would have quit my job, or given up my 37.5 hour run, so this was the only way it could have happened. So now I lose the $700 pay check after taxes. It's reduced to anywhere from $300 -$400 a week. It FUCKING sucks. But there is a reason, and God knows what it is, but I don't. I just have to find it.
And I tried fighting it. Apparently, the day after it happened, I had to be suspended for administrative reasons. But the school STILL was undecided on whether or not they wanted me back. I think in the end they knew it was an honest oversight, and I just wasn't thinking. It took them 2 days to tell my boss they didn't want me driving the bus for their school anymore. I wanted to come to the school and talk to the Principal, but they didn't take me up on my offer. I would have fought to kept this run tooth and nail. But he's got a job to do too, and I understand why I have to go.
So since I never said goodbye to these kids, I wish the fucking best for them. I hope all these kids chase their fucking dreams and become world leaders and role models, and Doctors and make hundreds of millions of dollars. I hope these kids always remember me as somebody who inspired them to be the best they could be in this life. They're so young, and the whole world is right in front of them, and they have the ability to write amazing stories. I hope they all do this. And who knows? If for whatever reason, one day I'm famous, and one day my words become big, and everyone reads my journal, I hope they know that I want them all to become fucking AMAZING in life! And I hope they see that this was written the week I "never saw them" again. I don't want them to think I just left and said "fuck it", because it all happened so fast. But as long as they believe in themselves, they can do anything they want. And I hope the absolute best for them all!
It makes me emotionally hardened. I'm not going to lie. I've had my heart broken by people, girls and friends, in the past, but losing what you consider family is the worst loss possible. I've seen these people every day for almost 3 years straight. I've watched them grow up. And now, I will no longer see them.
I think all this has helped me focus on business more. Because business is ruthless. Losing "family" makes me feel ruthless inside. So maybe this is what I need.
I lost my bus run. I kept my job, but lost my love for it. I'm making way less money, but still trying to trust that behind it all, there is a bright and shining sun.
I treated all the kids like they were little brothers and sisters to me, and in the end, it became a problem. I allowed kids to get away with too much, and it wound up nearly costing me my job. One parent spun one small thing into a major problem. I let a kid on the bus without a note. Oh, and apparently when kids were climbing on me, it doesn't bode well for a male bus driver. Sometimes the kids would sit in the seat with me (while the bus was parked at the school) and pretend to be a busdriver. I used to let them sit in the seat by themselves but one almost hit the emergency breaks.
People look at it in a different way though, when you get too close with the kids. It makes sense, I understand, but I never thought about it that way. There are sick people in this world. The saddest thing for me is the fact that these kids meant the world to me, and any possibility that thoughts went thru my bosses head that I would ever do anything to hurt the kids actually makes me physically sick. I felt like vomitting when my boss talked to me and said "The Principal said one of the kids was sitting on your lap in the bus seat (while the bus was parked at the school)". It made me sick because I finally realized how this was being twisted. I can't defend the fact that I didn't throw the kid off of my seat. I just looked at them all like they were family members, and that was the problem.
It almost reduces me to tears. It makes me want to give up. It makes me want to hit the reset button on my entire life. I hate the idea of suicide, really, but last week, the idea of ending it all crossed my mind a few times. I lost everything. I lost what's been my identity the last few years. I was a hero to these kids. And now, I have no idea how they perceive me.
Their perception: "male bus drivers are pedophiles". Apparently, according to my co-worker, this is a perception some people have. This makes me want to quit the job even more. It's a DISGUSTING fucking stereotype. It pisses me off because I want to murder all pedophiles. If it were up to me, I wouldn't just kill them, I would torture them to death. They are the absolute SCUM of this fucking earth, the biggest pieces of shit. They ruin lives, they ruin families. I hope they all go to fucking hell. And I can't even type these words thinking that anyone could possibly put me in that fucking light. It makes my entire body want to vomit out of every sweat gland. I feel weak writing these words. And whenever I heard about scumbags like this in the news, it made me think, if anyone ever did anything to my kids, I would murder them. I don't even care.
I fought so hard for the run I have, and I've done so much to work with the kids on my bus to better their lives. Like when one kid talks about how he can't wait to get out of prison when he's older, because he's convinced he's heading that way, and I encourage him to find his creative side (music). When one kid talks about killing himself, and I tell him to use the negative energy to better himself and find passion in something that will make him better in life. When a 5 year old girl on my bus jumps up on me and curls up in my lap and I yell "What do I look like, a COUCH?!?!?!" and she says "no, you look like my daddy" and sounds like she's ready to cry. It breaks my heart that I was the only positive male influence in this poor girl's life, so I always made sure that every day I asked her how her day was, so she felt like somebody gave a shit. When one kid is frightened to go home with an older boy who lives at her home, and I report it to the school nurse, worried that something wrong is going on. Apparently, the child's home had CPS called 4 or 5 times, and the claim was somewhat legitimate. The kid moved out a week later. Did I change something? WHO THE FUCK KNOWS!?! BUT WHO THE FUCK ELSE would have paid attention to the lives of these kids?
I always went ABOVE and beyond at my job. The parents loved me, the kids loved me, the teachers loved me. I did my best to be a positive role model to all these kids. And now, it's all gone.
And in this world where bad things happen, I took pride in being a positive influence in the lives of these kids. I was there for them whenever they were upset. When they looked ready to cry, I may have been the only person to notice. Some of them have no mother. Some of them have no father. I was the closest thing they had to somebody who actually fucking gave a shit.
With all these shitty things, I try looking at the positive. Good things will come. I just gotta keep my chin up and my faith in God. While it emotionally hurts me to watch these kids I've spent the last 4 years watching over disappear, I know it's for the best.
I was getting too wrapped up in "being the busdriver". I loved my job. I considered saying "fuck it" to every other thing in my life, and going nowhere. This is why I lost it all. I think God is trying to tell me to become what I'm supposed to be, and stop trying to fight it.
Not that I'm putting words in God's mouth, but in the back of my head, I knew the hours I worked were preventing me from pursuing my dreams, and my creativity. God gave me the ability to write music and make cartoons for a reason. I never would have quit my job, or given up my 37.5 hour run, so this was the only way it could have happened. So now I lose the $700 pay check after taxes. It's reduced to anywhere from $300 -$400 a week. It FUCKING sucks. But there is a reason, and God knows what it is, but I don't. I just have to find it.
And I tried fighting it. Apparently, the day after it happened, I had to be suspended for administrative reasons. But the school STILL was undecided on whether or not they wanted me back. I think in the end they knew it was an honest oversight, and I just wasn't thinking. It took them 2 days to tell my boss they didn't want me driving the bus for their school anymore. I wanted to come to the school and talk to the Principal, but they didn't take me up on my offer. I would have fought to kept this run tooth and nail. But he's got a job to do too, and I understand why I have to go.
So since I never said goodbye to these kids, I wish the fucking best for them. I hope all these kids chase their fucking dreams and become world leaders and role models, and Doctors and make hundreds of millions of dollars. I hope these kids always remember me as somebody who inspired them to be the best they could be in this life. They're so young, and the whole world is right in front of them, and they have the ability to write amazing stories. I hope they all do this. And who knows? If for whatever reason, one day I'm famous, and one day my words become big, and everyone reads my journal, I hope they know that I want them all to become fucking AMAZING in life! And I hope they see that this was written the week I "never saw them" again. I don't want them to think I just left and said "fuck it", because it all happened so fast. But as long as they believe in themselves, they can do anything they want. And I hope the absolute best for them all!
It makes me emotionally hardened. I'm not going to lie. I've had my heart broken by people, girls and friends, in the past, but losing what you consider family is the worst loss possible. I've seen these people every day for almost 3 years straight. I've watched them grow up. And now, I will no longer see them.
I think all this has helped me focus on business more. Because business is ruthless. Losing "family" makes me feel ruthless inside. So maybe this is what I need.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Losing Faith
Not in God, more in dreams, my purpose in life...etc.
I don't know what I want anymore. I feel like every dream of mine, and my passion for my dreams is hanging by a thread, barely.
And I can't re-ignite passion if it's something I don't believe in!
I don't know what I want anymore. I feel like every dream of mine, and my passion for my dreams is hanging by a thread, barely.
And I can't re-ignite passion if it's something I don't believe in!
Monday, October 4, 2010
Insecurity
It seriously bothers me that I look like shit compared to when I was 18. I don't tell the whole world this, but it fucking sucks. My whole life, I always had great hair, and now it looks like it's been chewed up by a vacuum and spit out.
It's like an identity that I lived with my first 22 years is really starting to turn for the worse. It hasn't changed in about 4 years, but I hate the way it looks, and I don't know if it's going to get worse or not.
I hate sounding like a bitch because some people have it worse, but I have to get it out. I don't look beautiful like I used to, and it's all because of my fucking hair. And the worst part is, the more I lose, the more I'll NEVER get back. This 1 life, those 22 years of having a full head of hair, are ALL over and they're never coming back for me. It's adjusting that I need to force myself to face, but I can't. Because I'll always be reminded that I used to look better.
I wish I could scrape it out of my mind, but the fact remains that I'm 26 and counting, and this year just shot by so fucking fast...
It's like an identity that I lived with my first 22 years is really starting to turn for the worse. It hasn't changed in about 4 years, but I hate the way it looks, and I don't know if it's going to get worse or not.
I hate sounding like a bitch because some people have it worse, but I have to get it out. I don't look beautiful like I used to, and it's all because of my fucking hair. And the worst part is, the more I lose, the more I'll NEVER get back. This 1 life, those 22 years of having a full head of hair, are ALL over and they're never coming back for me. It's adjusting that I need to force myself to face, but I can't. Because I'll always be reminded that I used to look better.
I wish I could scrape it out of my mind, but the fact remains that I'm 26 and counting, and this year just shot by so fucking fast...
Friday, October 1, 2010
I talk too much, I don't sleep enough
My sleep apnea is slowly killing me. I just got health insurance though, and hopefully, I can get it fixed within the month. It's not diagnosed, so technically, it's not a "pre-existing condition".
Whenever I go to sleep, I wake up minutes later because I choke. I stop breathing. It's a real condition. And it results in me being tired as hell all day, every day. I have no energy.
I wonder how awesome it would feel to have a full night of sleep, and have energy the next morning, all day.
And when I feel empty inside, I realize I write too much.
I tried reading some of my old blogs, but I couldn't. This is therapy. It feels like 85% of these words are words I write just to feel like they're being said, whether or not they mean anything.
I read my old blogs. When I was desperate to be a rock star, and this blog was intended to be public. I wasn't real. I didn't even divulge how I felt about being deployed to Kuwait. I just said "the worst thing possible happened to me." I don't know why I hid that shit.
I really don't give a fuck anymore. What successful musician does?
My music is all negative now, at least that's how it feels. Too much "positivity" and "happiness" in the music scene nowadays.
But not negative in an emo sense. Maybe more negative in the mind of someone who's just fucking insane.
These words mean nothing, I'm just fucking typing because I don't know what else to do right now.
I didn't want to go out because I've done that for the past few weeks, and that shit sucks. I talk to girls, deal with douche bag guys and in the end, it's just a waste of fucking gas. What's the point?
Whenever I go to sleep, I wake up minutes later because I choke. I stop breathing. It's a real condition. And it results in me being tired as hell all day, every day. I have no energy.
I wonder how awesome it would feel to have a full night of sleep, and have energy the next morning, all day.
And when I feel empty inside, I realize I write too much.
I tried reading some of my old blogs, but I couldn't. This is therapy. It feels like 85% of these words are words I write just to feel like they're being said, whether or not they mean anything.
I read my old blogs. When I was desperate to be a rock star, and this blog was intended to be public. I wasn't real. I didn't even divulge how I felt about being deployed to Kuwait. I just said "the worst thing possible happened to me." I don't know why I hid that shit.
I really don't give a fuck anymore. What successful musician does?
My music is all negative now, at least that's how it feels. Too much "positivity" and "happiness" in the music scene nowadays.
But not negative in an emo sense. Maybe more negative in the mind of someone who's just fucking insane.
These words mean nothing, I'm just fucking typing because I don't know what else to do right now.
I didn't want to go out because I've done that for the past few weeks, and that shit sucks. I talk to girls, deal with douche bag guys and in the end, it's just a waste of fucking gas. What's the point?
Heart Attack
I've got my chest screaming out and nobody can hear it. I'm in fucking pain, and nobody knows it.
I need my guitar like a heroin-addict needs the syringe. I have to just let it out, but I can't fucking get it out.
I need my guitar like a heroin-addict needs the syringe. I have to just let it out, but I can't fucking get it out.
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