Why tonight?

I know, I type a lot when I have too much on my mind.

I watched a TERRIBLE play at my brother's school. It's supposed to teach kids about bullying, but it totally missed the point.

It focused on a brother and a sister. It made it look like they came from an abusive home.

This was some of the kids on my bus. They had NOBODY that fucking cared man. They had nobody that were showing them anything good in life. And I feel responsible. I feel like I COULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE PERSON TO ENCOURAGE THEM TO STAY STRONG! And I fucking blew it.

I should have known better. I didn't fucking think. I WASN'T FUCKING THINKING.

I feel like if any of these kids one day does something dumb because they have a mom that doesn't love them, or a dad that doesn't care, I COULD have changed it, if only I had still been there and talked some fucking sense into them.

One kid on my bus was CONVINCED that one day he was going to go to prison. He was a 6th grader, with an abusive father. I OPENED his eyes to music. Since then, the kid has put all his energy into becoming a prolific musician.

Who's going to do that now? What busdrivers actually listen to these kids?

HEADS UP TEACHERS: You're not listening to them. HEADS UP PARENTS: You're not listening to them either. How fucking sad is it that the ONLY person who possibly prevented this kid from a criminal life is his busdriver?

I can't stand to watch a car on fire, with victims inside, continue to burn. I've gone way THE FUCK ABOVE my responsibilities to do everything for these kids.

It just hurts. I didn't get to defend myself. It sounds so bad on paper, but in reality, these kids were like siblings to me.

If they weren't, I wouldn't be torn up about this. I wouldn't actually be in emotional pain. I blame myself. Because what if one of these kids becomes BAD because I wasn't there to save them. It's my fault for being cavalier. I wasn't responsible like I should have been. Now, if any of these kids does something bad with themselves, I'm going to blame myself.