Sunshine behind the storm

It was a terrible week. It really was. A nightmare week.

I lost my bus run. I kept my job, but lost my love for it. I'm making way less money, but still trying to trust that behind it all, there is a bright and shining sun.

I treated all the kids like they were little brothers and sisters to me, and in the end, it became a problem. I allowed kids to get away with too much, and it wound up nearly costing me my job. One parent spun one small thing into a major problem. I let a kid on the bus without a note. Oh, and apparently when kids were climbing on me, it doesn't bode well for a male bus driver. Sometimes the kids would sit in the seat with me (while the bus was parked at the school) and pretend to be a busdriver. I used to let them sit in the seat by themselves but one almost hit the emergency breaks.

People look at it in a different way though, when you get too close with the kids. It makes sense, I understand, but I never thought about it that way. There are sick people in this world. The saddest thing for me is the fact that these kids meant the world to me, and any possibility that thoughts went thru my bosses head that I would ever do anything to hurt the kids actually makes me physically sick. I felt like vomitting when my boss talked to me and said "The Principal said one of the kids was sitting on your lap in the bus seat (while the bus was parked at the school)". It made me sick because I finally realized how this was being twisted. I can't defend the fact that I didn't throw the kid off of my seat. I just looked at them all like they were family members, and that was the problem.

It almost reduces me to tears. It makes me want to give up. It makes me want to hit the reset button on my entire life. I hate the idea of suicide, really, but last week, the idea of ending it all crossed my mind a few times. I lost everything. I lost what's been my identity the last few years. I was a hero to these kids. And now, I have no idea how they perceive me.

Their perception: "male bus drivers are pedophiles". Apparently, according to my co-worker, this is a perception some people have. This makes me want to quit the job even more. It's a DISGUSTING fucking stereotype. It pisses me off because I want to murder all pedophiles. If it were up to me, I wouldn't just kill them, I would torture them to death. They are the absolute SCUM of this fucking earth, the biggest pieces of shit. They ruin lives, they ruin families. I hope they all go to fucking hell. And I can't even type these words thinking that anyone could possibly put me in that fucking light. It makes my entire body want to vomit out of every sweat gland. I feel weak writing these words. And whenever I heard about scumbags like this in the news, it made me think, if anyone ever did anything to my kids, I would murder them. I don't even care.

I fought so hard for the run I have, and I've done so much to work with the kids on my bus to better their lives. Like when one kid talks about how he can't wait to get out of prison when he's older, because he's convinced he's heading that way, and I encourage him to find his creative side (music). When one kid talks about killing himself, and I tell him to use the negative energy to better himself and find passion in something that will make him better in life. When a 5 year old girl on my bus jumps up on me and curls up in my lap and I yell "What do I look like, a COUCH?!?!?!" and she says "no, you look like my daddy" and sounds like she's ready to cry. It breaks my heart that I was the only positive male influence in this poor girl's life, so I always made sure that every day I asked her how her day was, so she felt like somebody gave a shit. When one kid is frightened to go home with an older boy who lives at her home, and I report it to the school nurse, worried that something wrong is going on. Apparently, the child's home had CPS called 4 or 5 times, and the claim was somewhat legitimate. The kid moved out a week later. Did I change something? WHO THE FUCK KNOWS!?! BUT WHO THE FUCK ELSE would have paid attention to the lives of these kids?

I always went ABOVE and beyond at my job. The parents loved me, the kids loved me, the teachers loved me. I did my best to be a positive role model to all these kids. And now, it's all gone.

And in this world where bad things happen, I took pride in being a positive influence in the lives of these kids. I was there for them whenever they were upset. When they looked ready to cry, I may have been the only person to notice. Some of them have no mother. Some of them have no father. I was the closest thing they had to somebody who actually fucking gave a shit.

With all these shitty things, I try looking at the positive. Good things will come. I just gotta keep my chin up and my faith in God. While it emotionally hurts me to watch these kids I've spent the last 4 years watching over disappear, I know it's for the best.

I was getting too wrapped up in "being the busdriver". I loved my job. I considered saying "fuck it" to every other thing in my life, and going nowhere. This is why I lost it all. I think God is trying to tell me to become what I'm supposed to be, and stop trying to fight it.

Not that I'm putting words in God's mouth, but in the back of my head, I knew the hours I worked were preventing me from pursuing my dreams, and my creativity. God gave me the ability to write music and make cartoons for a reason. I never would have quit my job, or given up my 37.5 hour run, so this was the only way it could have happened. So now I lose the $700 pay check after taxes. It's reduced to anywhere from $300 -$400 a week. It FUCKING sucks. But there is a reason, and God knows what it is, but I don't. I just have to find it.

And I tried fighting it. Apparently, the day after it happened, I had to be suspended for administrative reasons. But the school STILL was undecided on whether or not they wanted me back. I think in the end they knew it was an honest oversight, and I just wasn't thinking. It took them 2 days to tell my boss they didn't want me driving the bus for their school anymore. I wanted to come to the school and talk to the Principal, but they didn't take me up on my offer. I would have fought to kept this run tooth and nail. But he's got a job to do too, and I understand why I have to go.

So since I never said goodbye to these kids, I wish the fucking best for them. I hope all these kids chase their fucking dreams and become world leaders and role models, and Doctors and make hundreds of millions of dollars. I hope these kids always remember me as somebody who inspired them to be the best they could be in this life. They're so young, and the whole world is right in front of them, and they have the ability to write amazing stories. I hope they all do this. And who knows? If for whatever reason, one day I'm famous, and one day my words become big, and everyone reads my journal, I hope they know that I want them all to become fucking AMAZING in life! And I hope they see that this was written the week I "never saw them" again. I don't want them to think I just left and said "fuck it", because it all happened so fast. But as long as they believe in themselves, they can do anything they want. And I hope the absolute best for them all!

It makes me emotionally hardened. I'm not going to lie. I've had my heart broken by people, girls and friends, in the past, but losing what you consider family is the worst loss possible. I've seen these people every day for almost 3 years straight. I've watched them grow up. And now, I will no longer see them.

I think all this has helped me focus on business more. Because business is ruthless. Losing "family" makes me feel ruthless inside. So maybe this is what I need.