Elated, inspired...shitttt

I found a tape today of Noon to Five recording our "ablum" in the studio in 2002. It was awesome to see me look young, with my full head of hair, and frosted tips. Dude, I looked sexy!

Anyway, there was a part where Jenna came by, and we taped it. I swear, I couldn't stop smiling. In the video I kissed her, and then wiped her lipstick on my shirt and she yelled at me. That was pretty much the extent of it, 30 seconds long. I had lost all inspirational feeling in my songs LUCKY, FREE, 6TH ATTEMPT and others that I had written about her. But watching this, it almost took me back.

See, she's become nothing but a picture on facebook. Another random friend that I rarely speak with. And to hear her voice again, and to see me kiss her, when I was actually in love with the girl was unreal. It was almost like living in the past. It brought back a couple of the old feelings. It made me remember what she meant to me.

And yes, it makes me feel lucky. Lucky to have her in my life. Lucky to have found another girl I had been in love with (Sarah), and maybe hope that one day I'll find someone else. I wish I could just escape my past sometimes. It's really hard though. Because things were magic back then. I was still half-innocent. Even though I already had sex, I was still ignorant to the ways of this world. I knew nothing except for my big dreams. Then to find out the realities or pursuing those dreams, it makes you older.

It's so much easier when you're 18 and on the brink of eternal freedom. But the freedom quickly becomes anchors by the ways of this world. There is no more magic. There is no more looking at a woman, being trapped by her beauty, and imagining that her kisses taste like strawberries, or that she always smells like marshmallows. Okay, I know this sounds incredibly stupid, but when I was young, I never realized that females are humans too. Being inexperienced, you just assume they are some sort of magical creature that has amazing hygiene and tastes like all the sweet things you could imagine!

Then working took it's toll. Working for only 40 hours at first for 7 bucks an hour in September of 02. Slowly that became 60 hours at 9 bucks. Then 65 hours at 10 bucks. I pursued the band until I heard our full length and realized we sucked. That's when I quit Noon to Five in October. Me and Jenna stopped talking by then. She had gone to college, and upon her return trip home, I went out to a nice dinner with her parents, and ruined everything. I was devastated. I was legit in love with this girl. I figured somehow, someway, we'd be married some day. She had the attitude, the intelligence, everything I ever wanted. And I blew it.

Her loss in life inspired me to write songs that I had never written before. LUCKY (the name of this album) in January 03, followed by FREE, 6TH ATTEMPT, NY SCREAMS throughout the year. Eventually she spoke to me again, as I started slowly getting lost in the material things of life. Wanting nicer cars, more CDs, a new guitar...etc. I always wanted more. And the more I wanted, the more I wasted my 18 and 19 year old youth working hours and more hours and more hours. WHen I was fired from the job at 20, it seemed like the 2 years had been a dream. It was over. But Jenna and I had started talking again. We hung out for the last time in July 2004. It was the last time I ever saw her, but the wind still whispered her melodies, and the songs still remained to remind me of the magic.

Then I committed suicide. I dated "Kankles", the worst mistake of my life. While I worked for the next year at a new deli, nearly 80 hours a week, spending money on crap and her, I wasted more of my life until 21. So since 18, I had spent 3 years working my ass off, with nothing to show for it. I made money to spend on crap. My hairline slowly receded.

I joined the Navy in 2005 because "Kankles" wanted me to have a career so we could get married and have kids. It was the worst mistake of my life. Because the Navy years were just a big nightmarish blur that resulted in a "General under Honorable" at the end of my contract that I had lived up to. It was bullshit, really. It will turn into honorable soon. Me and her got to the stage most couples take 40 years to get to, in about 8 months. There never was any fire, or any passion. Most of the relationship, I thought of Jenna. Eventually I stopped.

When I finally escaped her in 2007, I dated Amelia, the biggest lesson I've ever learned: don't judge a book by it's cover. This girl was stunningly gorgeous, but turned out to be the biggest, evilest bitch I had ever met. Completely insane psycho. I finally got out of active duty that June, and came home. Sarah called me to tell me that she had broken up with her boyfriend. We just hung out at first. And I fell in love with her because he was trying to pursue her.

She brought back the magic feeling again. She was the closest to magic I had felt since Jenna. And when it ended, I was devastated again. I dated ANtonia in 2008, on and off till 2009, and now here I am, on the brink of 26, wondering how the fuck 8 years passed. And what have I done?

But then Jenna is on the other side of the spectrum. She's traveled the world, met hundreds of people, made tons of friends, going for her PhD. The girl is brilliant. And to look at where we are in life is to say how funny life is. The only time that me and her could ever be in love was when we were 18, and we were unsure of what we were going to become. We were only dreamers then, and nothing was proven. It was love then, because it could exist. And now we are two people that could never be in love. What the fuck?

It's sad, really. I need to stop focusing on the past, I need to look toward the future.

This video is so fucking beautiful though. I wish I could rewind time.

Sometimes I wonder if God lets us re-live any parts of our life. Well, maybe sometimes I hope it...

Dammmmit

Haha yo things just got terrible! I was driving through a 5 foot puddle, being a complete retard in regard to cars, and fucked up my engine bad. So yeah, I'm fucked!

I burn my own bridges sometimes

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not. When I look in retrospect at this band, things started off great. I had a great group of guys, and extremely marketable. Slowly, things started happening that destroyed our chemistry: Mike and Chris. Mike never showing up. Chris with his terrible attitude. Tim and Mandrew became a part of it slowly. Mandrew not so much. The problem is the poison slowly spread.

I grew to hate seeing pictures of Mike's girlfriend. Mainly his audacity to promise me he'd be there with me, like this would be "our" project, and then to abandon it for her. It pissed me off. It pissed me off that Tim became his best friend. It pissed me off that Tim, Andrew, Mike and Chris all would hang out, while I stayed at home. It really fucking made me angry.

So at this point what do I want? Sometimes I don't even know. I sometimes don't even care. I don't want to be a sellout. I don't want to be famous. What the hell do I have going?

One of my friends just asked that since I don't have a band, if her friend should give our demo to his "uncle" at some record company (it's the same story with everyone really...EVERYONE knows a record company...who the fuck cares?) I flipped out on her when she asked this question. I got mad at the industry, at how they treat bands, and how I already am in debt. What the hell could a record company do for me anyway?

I wish I could cure this problem. I don't know what it is with me. I feel like I destroy everything. But at the same time, fuck these guys. It's not fair that they just ride my coat tails to success, when if my music is truly meant for great things, I could find 4 people whom I don't hate.

I'm working on my "insane" idea. I don't care how it comes off at this point. Fuck it. I have nothing to lose.

It hit me today!

Like a punch in the face! THE idea! THE idea I've been waiting for all along. It solves these problems:

1) I wanted to do something different!
2) I want people to watch us and remember when they leave!
3) I want people to tell their friends!

This idea is actually insane. Most people will think I'm crazy, but if I make it happen, I will quickly move to the top of the industry! Lucky me, I'm so confident in the music that it doesn't even matter! Cause as stupid as this idea is, the music is good!

The answers shall be revealed shortly! Everyone will think I'm stupid, but it's okay, it's a new idea! People always think new ideas are stupid until they are effectively pulled off!

As far as I know, NO band has ever done this before!

Woke up early!

I was gonna jog but my knees are still a little sore from jogging a couple days ago! Even though it's freezing out, I normally bundle up pretty nice and I enjoy jogging in cold weather. It reminds me of when I had my apartment on the beach and I would jog 3 miles every other morning at 330am in the freezing cold. I mean seriously, jogging over a bridge on the beach in December/January=frozen face, but it felt sooo good!

So I'm thinking about the next steps with this band. I have 2 different legit connections to attempt to sell these songs. Then I have the other plan which is just self-releasing this album.

I guess a part of myself gets lost in this whole band thing. My ultimate goal is to make music I love. The fame is all bullshit. Because fame is fugacious, so are the fake ass friends. I feel like God is telling me to release this album by myself, and all will be gravy baby! Of course, I'm a little skeptical, but I guess over the last month I've learned to trust God anyway. Oh yeah, I'm officially out of the military! Yeah, I forgot to put that in!

It was weird too! Last Friday, I had just given up. I just said "fuck it, I'll go, I'm sick of living under fear". I was about to call my CO to let him know I would deploy. For whatever reason, I had a sudden feeling that I should wait until Monday to decide. When I least expected it, I received a certified letter Saturday with my discharge orders, that all I had to do was sign and return!

Last night when I quit the band it was kind of "spur of the moment". I've known for awhile this band lineup wouldn't work out. The "chemistry" in the band is a party atmosphere. I enjoyed it a bit at first, because it wasn't everyday, and then it became the priority. People would constantly miss practice to party, they'd all be going out, and bullshitting me about where they were. Unfortunately, I am the boss in this band, and they all treat me like that idiot boss you always call in sick on.

So in the long run, sometimes you have to start over to move 2 feet ahead. And I should just trust God, cause yo, this was the right move. I don't know what the proper NEXT correct move is, but I'm sure I'll find out soon! I told Mandrew I still want to work with him. Why? Because he was the only one who actually gave a shit. He didn't have a job, and still contributed more money than the rest of the guys. When Tim first started working he said the same shit as Mike "Oh yeah man, I have no bills, so all my money is going to the band!" A week later it became: "Dude I only make $100 a week, and my mom charges me $400 a month for rent." Chris was just a total waste in this band: the death metal guitarist playing pop punk. He is the epitome of why people hate Long Island. It bothered me that somebody had the audacity to say "go fuck yourself" to me in regards to this band. It also bothered me that every time I had something important to say, Chris wasn't there to hear it. And Mike is the reason I promised Vudu studios I would pay them 300/week. If Mike hadn't promised me 100 a week, I would have asked them to pay 250 or even 200. But now I am stuck for 2 years paying them 300 a week, unless I can sell albums ASAP! Mandrew on the other hand, always wanted to contribute, always was concerned about the future of this band. He really wasn't "party! party!" like the rest of them. He kind of came along at times, but it wasn't his priority. I respect that. And hopefully we'll be able to keep pursuing this somehow.

It's strange, 3,000 CDs feels like such a small number to me. I'm not even intimidated by the number. I say to myself "Easy task!" It's a lot of damn people though! But it's okay! I'm so confident I can push these out! I really believe there are 3,000 people or more in this world who will pay $10 for an 18 track CD of music they love! I don't even feel pressure anymore. And I'll be 26 in February! Ahhh!

So it's now 5AM, and its time for me to get ready for work! SUMMERS LAST WAVE will go on! I promise : D !

I quit my band!

I had to! Their priorities were "drink, play music, drink...etc." My priority is "get out of debt, stop being a nobody!"

Just thinking of plan number 2! Summers Last Wave is far from over! : D

Faith in God

When all else is gone, what the hell else do I have?

It's so hard for me to even focus with this looming deployment chilling over my head. I wake up, and I have no idea what to do. There is so much to do! I have a band I'm trying to get big! I could be recording, promoting, looking up tour venues...etc. I just have no desire to do that because within a month it may not make a difference anyway.

It makes my arms weak, my body weak and my soul weak. It's because day by day all my creative energy is slowly evaporating. I thought about writing a song yesterday and I couldn't. All I can do lately is stare at the wall. Or my computer screen. I'm not even scared of being in Kuwait, I'm scared of "dying" for another 8 months. Until July 2010. Doing nothing that has to do with something I want to be, only something I've considered dead. Making myself worse. Losing hair, losing strength, losing confidence. Putting on a uniform that has been suicide inducing for me in the past. Dealing with spineless pieces of shit that shouldn't be running a car, let alone a platoon. And of course, falling into "do as I say, not as I do".

God please give me strength to get through this. Please give me faith that you'll do what's right for my life.

Dying

We all are dying inside. I'm sick of dying. I can't escape it though. I don't know what will happen. I don't know if I'll be alive in a month. I'm too dangerously capricious. It scares me.

Write songs

I'm sick of being in a band. I'm sick of the bullshit. I don't want to be a rockstar. I want to own a huge house isolated from the rest of the scumbags in this world, maybe just with a wife and kids. I want it to be on the water. I want to wake up, jog for 3 miles, work out, and then relax. I want to write songs here and there. That's all.

I feel like I may actually hate my band mates.

Sinking

Days like today, dude I really have no fucking clue how to get out of this rut.

I feel lower than low. I feel like suicide. I'm not gonna lie, it all stems from the military. I can't think about having a gun in my hands again, and wearing a uniform again. I really don't want to be the arbiter over whether or not someone else survives. I want to see a psychologist, I don't have money. I haven't gotten sleep in days, fuck, in weeks over this.

My band has got to be a huge joke. I just don't understand it. How the fuck do hardcore bands get together? How is there so much shitty music that's so popular? Why?!?

How does this demo hit the ears of people, and they love it, and yet here I am sitting at my studio at 1AM waiting for the guys in my band to get here. Two weeks ago we agreed to do an acoustic show at Cool Beans. We posted it on Twitter, and a bunch of people actually got mad stoked. I was surprised, honestly. I didn't expect anyone to give a shit. But there's like 11 people coming, and all we did was put one tweet on Twitter. That's it. We did no promotion.

Yet, for some reason, Chris and Andrew seemed surprised at the reminder two days ago that we had a show. We haven't practiced at all. There is always some bullshit excuse. Chris doesn't know the songs, Andrew isn't tight. Dude I don't fucking get it. What's the point of this fucking shit?

How are so many terrible bands able to get together? How do they find people who believe in that shit?

I feel like it may be time to start over. Get rid of these clowns and get people who actually give a shit.

I'm so fucking lonely. I've got nothing. I've got music, I've got a dream. A dream that is, as always, barely hanging on.

I wish I could just quit. I wish this was over. I'm always tired. I wish I could rest. I wish I was just dead. I'll never have friends. I'll never have someone that fucking loves me. I don't even love myself. It's painful to be alive, and to be reminded that I still don't know if I'm going to prison (Kuwait) or not. I can't sleep with the anxiety that I could be in the Middle East holding a gun. Fuck the Navy. I hate the Navy. I hate the entire organization.

I just don't understand how you can be a part of an organization that ENCOURAGES you to be honest to your "chain of command" (aka scumbag pieces of shit that just happened to be in the Navy longer than you) and when you are, when you HONESTLY tell them you feel suicidal in uniform, THEY DO NOTHING. I told them this 3 months before I was deployed to Kuwait. At the time I spoke these words, I told my Chief, "I can't wait to get out. Putting on this uniform makes me feel suicidal and worthless. I want to kill myself. I hate my life, I hate the way I look, it reminds me that once I was another useless face that meant nothing." Not only did he do NOTHING about this, one of the guys in my unit heard me say this and started calling me "suicidal Freddy!"

So 3 months later, when I was supposed to be out, they decided to deploy me to Kuwait. Of all fucking people. WHAT A COINCIDENCE. I HATE THE FUCKING NAVY! This is why people come back depressed, because you pieces of shit are only worried about paper work, making sure everyone is okay, and "ready to deploy" because it makes you look better you soulless fuck. I hope my chief burns in hell. I hate my fucking CO, I hate all the scumbags that resulted in this happening to me. I can't sleep at night. I feel like I should kill myself and make a fucking HUGE scene out of it just to spite these people. I should send letters to every congressman, every senator, every news outlet and say "I TOLD THE PEOPLE IN MY CHAIN OF COMMAND THAT I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF!" The only reason I was able to make it through was the hope that JULY was my last month, and my contract was over. That's when they told me I'm going to Kuwait.

If they send me, and give me a gun, I will shoot myself. I will do it and make sure I throw everyone under the bus on my way out. AND BY THAT, I do not mean that threatening. I mean that I will make sure everybody in the world knows that I confided to my chief, my CO, that I hated myself, and that I was depressed/suicidal while I was wearing uniform, and they kept me, deployable. They did nothing to avert what happened. I just don't get how you can treat someone like this.

I remember when I was depressed on active duty, how worthless I was. I never showered, I never came out of my room, I never did anything. I had a gun next to me once and all I kept thinking to myself was "dude, this can all be over right now. You can finally rest." and I stopped myself. This was a day before I had the panic attack that led to me being stripped of my weapons.

I just don't get it. I don't get how I can talk to a psych who recommends Prozac/Zoloft, and they still send me. I don't get it. I don't fucking get it.

And unless you've been in these shoes, don't judge. Don't comment. Don't think. You can't speak until you've walked a mile. Because I heard this one cunt say "I hate soldiers that run away from deployment! Dude, you signed a contract, live up to it!" WELL I SIGNED A FUCKING CONTRACT that said 4 years, followed by 4 years inactive RESERVES! On my 4th year, my unit told me YOURE GOING OVERSEAS! THAT'S NOT FUCKING INACTIVE!

Fuck the god damn military, I hate it. I will never shoot anyone but myself. I will never use a gun on a human being. I do not want to be in the position the fucking scumbag military puts us in, followed by the magnifying glass the piece of shit media places over our fucking heads. Shoot someone, protect your country, and they'll look to send your ass to jail. FUCK YOU, I'm already telling you I'm not in the mental state to fucking do this, and yet, you still want to send me? FUCK YOu

Women...women...LMAO

I understand women. There is a basic psychological profile behind them. Most men say "I don't understand them" and there really is much to be confused about. But I feel women dictate all their actions based on 1) Their moral beliefs, 2) What others think of them and 3) The "She-Wolf" inside.

The She-Wolf is the fact that underneath every woman is an animal waiting to come out and break out of her chains. Men try saying "Women aren't hornY' but it's not true. Women have an organ (or body part) who's true function is sexual stimulation (the clitoris). Men don't have any such object.

The problem is most women say "I don't care what anyone thinks of me", but unless they are a crack whore, it's not true at all. Their lives are dictated by what others think of them. If that weren't the case, women would probably be sleeping around more than men do.

So tonight, I had a completely odd experience happen. I say this because this experience would confuse the hell out of most men. I hung out with a girl I hadn't seen in years. We started talking and she started telling me about her history. Then she just out of nowhere said "I'm horny". Eventually, we went and got something to eat, and she just said "Let me ask you a question, do you like blow jobs?"

Take it easy if you're reading this, because it makes her sound skanky. In fact, that wasn't the case at all. She was a girl who had been dumped, she hadn't been touched in forever, and wanted to do things with someone she knew and trusted.

Later on, we kissed, cause I haven't kissed anyone in months, and I need affection. We talked, and it was good conversation. She mentioned how she needed a "fuck buddy", and while I'm not a huge fan of sex, dude I'm always going with the flow. I don't like putting labels on myself or having expectations in situations like those, ever.

I went home, and she called me at 11pm, and said "I was thinking, I don't want to jeopardize my career, so we can't hook up!" What? I wasn't pursuing it, she was. I wasn't the aggressor, in fact, I was just chilling!

It didn't bother me, because I understand the psychological factors behind all of this. There are a million different points, all connected and they all make sense. I know why she said what she said, but honestly it's too long to explain. What it comes down to is that she said how she really felt. The whole night she kept mentioning how she hopes I don't think she's a slut. But in the end, what she really felt, conflicted with her worries about "what others think of her", and the fact that she valued my opinion as a friend, she called to say "we can't hook up" to save face.

What does this mean? It means absolutely nothing. It means I act disinterested and a week later, she'll call me at 2am for a booty call. I understand it all. Women don't have me fooled!

But then again, if women were like men, they'd be fat, they'd be farting and burping, picking their noses and scratching their balls in public, or something else cause they don't have balls ewww...It's cause we don't care what anyone thinks. We really don't.

I find it kind of funny that a girl can go from straight up telling me she wanted to rip off my clothes and fuck my brains out to saying "we shouldn't hook up." But I know what it really means.

But what do I want? I just want someone to hold, honestly. I'm not big on sex, cause let's be honest, I can masturbate and it feels exactly the same as a condom.

Livid

I'm frustrated as hell. For the last year of my life, I've stopped living in order to achieve success with this band. So far we've done absolutely nothing. Part of this is due to me, and for what reason, I have no clue. I just prefer to blame myself in all situations because it means that I never have to rely on anyone else to fix my flaws. It means I have control if I assign blame to myself.

The blame is primarily for having a band. For having these clowns in the band with me. I am frustrated as hell because I am spending every penny of every paycheck on this band. I am lonely as hell as well. 9 times out of 10 I try not to think about it because all of my passion is being funneled to this band. But then there's days I look at a girl, and think about my exes, and think about the love I used to have for females in my past, and think about how much dedication this band requires and how any relationship will divert my attention to making this dream a reality.

Today is another example. Today was one of those mandatory band things. Basically, we are blessed. We have a man who wants to manage us who let's us into a major venue out here for free, the bar lets us promote and they play our music in front of the entire crowd during sets. Since I kicked Mike out of the band, we have 4 members left. It's 4PM, the time we were supposed to being, and where is everyone?

-Mandrew texted me last night to let me know his Mom's aunt had to go in for surgery. Okay, business makes you a heartless prick. I have no sympathy because I've already spent $15,000+ on this band with much, much more to come. I don't like being judgmental, because for all I know, he may have an close bond with his mom's aunt. But the "my (insert family member/friends name) is in the hospital excuse is so fucking overplayed for me. I don't believe anyone when they say it. Generally, 9 times out of 10, when someone says "---- is in the hospital" it means they are hanging out with a girl. That's just personal experience over the last 10 years. Because I've learned that always winds up being the case. Today is a mandatory band thing, and he's nowhere to be found. I told him to come afterwards, I doubt that'll happen. He's been chilling with some girl lately. The problem with love and music is that the two do not coincide. You cannot honestly pursue both, and Mandrew is already going down the path of Mike.

-Chris has work. He explained to me that as a bartender, hours are unpredictable because he could wind up staying longer at any given time. Even though we knew about this show weeks in advance, he still had work. I understand bills are bills, yes we have to make money, but we have to plan ahead, and plan intelligently. We were supposed to be there at 4, where is he? Texted me to let me know he's still working.

-Tim said he doesn't have money for gas, so he can only make it once Chris is out of work and can drive him.

Fuck this band. I honestly hate everyone in my band. I mentioned last week that I no longer wanted to be friends, only business partners, but the problem with that is that we can't even be business partners because they aren't bringing anything conducive to the business. They barely know the songs, they barely practice. Partying seems to be the number 1 most important priority in this band. I am so sick of everyone being able to enjoy life, have fun, and I am always on the outside. I had to burn 200 CDs last night, took me from 7pm-4am. (I also had to print them.) Chris and Tim stopped by to go make copies of the CDs for the new rehearsal studio, and they were dressed to go out afterwards. It bothers me because everyone has money to drink, to party, but never has money for gas, Vudu...etc. This is the Little Red Hen.

Everyone thinks they are going to make money with this band. But AHA, I have an evil plan. Yes, check it out. I explained my problems with this band to our manager. He set me up with 4 hired guns that I'll be playing with tomorrow. They learned the songs and harmonies already. I'm going to walk in, practice for 2 hours, and leave. And they'll sound tight. Tighter than my band has after 4 months. I'm on the borderline of quitting this band.

The only thing holding me back is that Tim, Chris and Mandrew have such a marketable look. As a band, we actually look good. But the problem is, we never fucking spend anytime together. I'm always doing work, and they're always fucking partying. I guess I'm more of the type that has to see something to believe it. And once I see this band play well, I'm gonna be on the border of walking out on everyone in the band now.

I just can't stand it anymore. I really can't. It's too fucking stressful. I'm trying soo hard not to give up this dream, but it's days like these I want to walk out. But there is hope. I can do shit myself.

And at this point, I'll be honest, if we got signed, I'd put everyone in this band to "hired gun" status. Everyone is replaceable. Nobody has written anything except for me. Nobody thinks of anything in this band except for me. The whole Summers Last Wave image, the ideas, they're all mine. They just sit back and enjoy the benefits.

I feel like the loneliest person in the world right now. I really do. I feel like I'm the only one putting any effort into this band. I feel like all my money is going to nothing except to make these dudes feel like rockstars. Fuck me.