When all else is gone, what the hell else do I have?
It's so hard for me to even focus with this looming deployment chilling over my head. I wake up, and I have no idea what to do. There is so much to do! I have a band I'm trying to get big! I could be recording, promoting, looking up tour venues...etc. I just have no desire to do that because within a month it may not make a difference anyway.
It makes my arms weak, my body weak and my soul weak. It's because day by day all my creative energy is slowly evaporating. I thought about writing a song yesterday and I couldn't. All I can do lately is stare at the wall. Or my computer screen. I'm not even scared of being in Kuwait, I'm scared of "dying" for another 8 months. Until July 2010. Doing nothing that has to do with something I want to be, only something I've considered dead. Making myself worse. Losing hair, losing strength, losing confidence. Putting on a uniform that has been suicide inducing for me in the past. Dealing with spineless pieces of shit that shouldn't be running a car, let alone a platoon. And of course, falling into "do as I say, not as I do".
God please give me strength to get through this. Please give me faith that you'll do what's right for my life.
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