Livid

I'm frustrated as hell. For the last year of my life, I've stopped living in order to achieve success with this band. So far we've done absolutely nothing. Part of this is due to me, and for what reason, I have no clue. I just prefer to blame myself in all situations because it means that I never have to rely on anyone else to fix my flaws. It means I have control if I assign blame to myself.

The blame is primarily for having a band. For having these clowns in the band with me. I am frustrated as hell because I am spending every penny of every paycheck on this band. I am lonely as hell as well. 9 times out of 10 I try not to think about it because all of my passion is being funneled to this band. But then there's days I look at a girl, and think about my exes, and think about the love I used to have for females in my past, and think about how much dedication this band requires and how any relationship will divert my attention to making this dream a reality.

Today is another example. Today was one of those mandatory band things. Basically, we are blessed. We have a man who wants to manage us who let's us into a major venue out here for free, the bar lets us promote and they play our music in front of the entire crowd during sets. Since I kicked Mike out of the band, we have 4 members left. It's 4PM, the time we were supposed to being, and where is everyone?

-Mandrew texted me last night to let me know his Mom's aunt had to go in for surgery. Okay, business makes you a heartless prick. I have no sympathy because I've already spent $15,000+ on this band with much, much more to come. I don't like being judgmental, because for all I know, he may have an close bond with his mom's aunt. But the "my (insert family member/friends name) is in the hospital excuse is so fucking overplayed for me. I don't believe anyone when they say it. Generally, 9 times out of 10, when someone says "---- is in the hospital" it means they are hanging out with a girl. That's just personal experience over the last 10 years. Because I've learned that always winds up being the case. Today is a mandatory band thing, and he's nowhere to be found. I told him to come afterwards, I doubt that'll happen. He's been chilling with some girl lately. The problem with love and music is that the two do not coincide. You cannot honestly pursue both, and Mandrew is already going down the path of Mike.

-Chris has work. He explained to me that as a bartender, hours are unpredictable because he could wind up staying longer at any given time. Even though we knew about this show weeks in advance, he still had work. I understand bills are bills, yes we have to make money, but we have to plan ahead, and plan intelligently. We were supposed to be there at 4, where is he? Texted me to let me know he's still working.

-Tim said he doesn't have money for gas, so he can only make it once Chris is out of work and can drive him.

Fuck this band. I honestly hate everyone in my band. I mentioned last week that I no longer wanted to be friends, only business partners, but the problem with that is that we can't even be business partners because they aren't bringing anything conducive to the business. They barely know the songs, they barely practice. Partying seems to be the number 1 most important priority in this band. I am so sick of everyone being able to enjoy life, have fun, and I am always on the outside. I had to burn 200 CDs last night, took me from 7pm-4am. (I also had to print them.) Chris and Tim stopped by to go make copies of the CDs for the new rehearsal studio, and they were dressed to go out afterwards. It bothers me because everyone has money to drink, to party, but never has money for gas, Vudu...etc. This is the Little Red Hen.

Everyone thinks they are going to make money with this band. But AHA, I have an evil plan. Yes, check it out. I explained my problems with this band to our manager. He set me up with 4 hired guns that I'll be playing with tomorrow. They learned the songs and harmonies already. I'm going to walk in, practice for 2 hours, and leave. And they'll sound tight. Tighter than my band has after 4 months. I'm on the borderline of quitting this band.

The only thing holding me back is that Tim, Chris and Mandrew have such a marketable look. As a band, we actually look good. But the problem is, we never fucking spend anytime together. I'm always doing work, and they're always fucking partying. I guess I'm more of the type that has to see something to believe it. And once I see this band play well, I'm gonna be on the border of walking out on everyone in the band now.

I just can't stand it anymore. I really can't. It's too fucking stressful. I'm trying soo hard not to give up this dream, but it's days like these I want to walk out. But there is hope. I can do shit myself.

And at this point, I'll be honest, if we got signed, I'd put everyone in this band to "hired gun" status. Everyone is replaceable. Nobody has written anything except for me. Nobody thinks of anything in this band except for me. The whole Summers Last Wave image, the ideas, they're all mine. They just sit back and enjoy the benefits.

I feel like the loneliest person in the world right now. I really do. I feel like I'm the only one putting any effort into this band. I feel like all my money is going to nothing except to make these dudes feel like rockstars. Fuck me.