Elated, inspired...shitttt

I found a tape today of Noon to Five recording our "ablum" in the studio in 2002. It was awesome to see me look young, with my full head of hair, and frosted tips. Dude, I looked sexy!

Anyway, there was a part where Jenna came by, and we taped it. I swear, I couldn't stop smiling. In the video I kissed her, and then wiped her lipstick on my shirt and she yelled at me. That was pretty much the extent of it, 30 seconds long. I had lost all inspirational feeling in my songs LUCKY, FREE, 6TH ATTEMPT and others that I had written about her. But watching this, it almost took me back.

See, she's become nothing but a picture on facebook. Another random friend that I rarely speak with. And to hear her voice again, and to see me kiss her, when I was actually in love with the girl was unreal. It was almost like living in the past. It brought back a couple of the old feelings. It made me remember what she meant to me.

And yes, it makes me feel lucky. Lucky to have her in my life. Lucky to have found another girl I had been in love with (Sarah), and maybe hope that one day I'll find someone else. I wish I could just escape my past sometimes. It's really hard though. Because things were magic back then. I was still half-innocent. Even though I already had sex, I was still ignorant to the ways of this world. I knew nothing except for my big dreams. Then to find out the realities or pursuing those dreams, it makes you older.

It's so much easier when you're 18 and on the brink of eternal freedom. But the freedom quickly becomes anchors by the ways of this world. There is no more magic. There is no more looking at a woman, being trapped by her beauty, and imagining that her kisses taste like strawberries, or that she always smells like marshmallows. Okay, I know this sounds incredibly stupid, but when I was young, I never realized that females are humans too. Being inexperienced, you just assume they are some sort of magical creature that has amazing hygiene and tastes like all the sweet things you could imagine!

Then working took it's toll. Working for only 40 hours at first for 7 bucks an hour in September of 02. Slowly that became 60 hours at 9 bucks. Then 65 hours at 10 bucks. I pursued the band until I heard our full length and realized we sucked. That's when I quit Noon to Five in October. Me and Jenna stopped talking by then. She had gone to college, and upon her return trip home, I went out to a nice dinner with her parents, and ruined everything. I was devastated. I was legit in love with this girl. I figured somehow, someway, we'd be married some day. She had the attitude, the intelligence, everything I ever wanted. And I blew it.

Her loss in life inspired me to write songs that I had never written before. LUCKY (the name of this album) in January 03, followed by FREE, 6TH ATTEMPT, NY SCREAMS throughout the year. Eventually she spoke to me again, as I started slowly getting lost in the material things of life. Wanting nicer cars, more CDs, a new guitar...etc. I always wanted more. And the more I wanted, the more I wasted my 18 and 19 year old youth working hours and more hours and more hours. WHen I was fired from the job at 20, it seemed like the 2 years had been a dream. It was over. But Jenna and I had started talking again. We hung out for the last time in July 2004. It was the last time I ever saw her, but the wind still whispered her melodies, and the songs still remained to remind me of the magic.

Then I committed suicide. I dated "Kankles", the worst mistake of my life. While I worked for the next year at a new deli, nearly 80 hours a week, spending money on crap and her, I wasted more of my life until 21. So since 18, I had spent 3 years working my ass off, with nothing to show for it. I made money to spend on crap. My hairline slowly receded.

I joined the Navy in 2005 because "Kankles" wanted me to have a career so we could get married and have kids. It was the worst mistake of my life. Because the Navy years were just a big nightmarish blur that resulted in a "General under Honorable" at the end of my contract that I had lived up to. It was bullshit, really. It will turn into honorable soon. Me and her got to the stage most couples take 40 years to get to, in about 8 months. There never was any fire, or any passion. Most of the relationship, I thought of Jenna. Eventually I stopped.

When I finally escaped her in 2007, I dated Amelia, the biggest lesson I've ever learned: don't judge a book by it's cover. This girl was stunningly gorgeous, but turned out to be the biggest, evilest bitch I had ever met. Completely insane psycho. I finally got out of active duty that June, and came home. Sarah called me to tell me that she had broken up with her boyfriend. We just hung out at first. And I fell in love with her because he was trying to pursue her.

She brought back the magic feeling again. She was the closest to magic I had felt since Jenna. And when it ended, I was devastated again. I dated ANtonia in 2008, on and off till 2009, and now here I am, on the brink of 26, wondering how the fuck 8 years passed. And what have I done?

But then Jenna is on the other side of the spectrum. She's traveled the world, met hundreds of people, made tons of friends, going for her PhD. The girl is brilliant. And to look at where we are in life is to say how funny life is. The only time that me and her could ever be in love was when we were 18, and we were unsure of what we were going to become. We were only dreamers then, and nothing was proven. It was love then, because it could exist. And now we are two people that could never be in love. What the fuck?

It's sad, really. I need to stop focusing on the past, I need to look toward the future.

This video is so fucking beautiful though. I wish I could rewind time.

Sometimes I wonder if God lets us re-live any parts of our life. Well, maybe sometimes I hope it...