I went to see a therapist with my mom today, and I gotta say, it was one of the best things I've ever done.
I already feel that discussing myself and my life with a professional can help me unravel the years of pain and stupidity I've self-incurred. She asked me a lot of questions about my life, and my overall negative attitude towards women. She suggested me and my mother spend some time together, and I'll be honest, that made me happy. Spending time with my mom and seeing that she wanted to spend time with me made me feel like she loved me, and I really feel this is the first step to reinventing my ideas on what love needs to be.
I guess it makes sense, we can have good parents who raise us well, but sometimes one of us gets neglected growing up. And it made sense that I, being the oldest, got the short end of the stick from my mom, albeit non intentionally. My brother was born a year and a half after me, and then suddenly, I wasn't the "baby" anymore. And then my sister was born. There was always somebody else getting more attention from my mom.
We discussed it today and she mentioned that it was never intentional, it was just life, and to be honest, I don't hold it against her.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Stop
I mean, it all makes sense. Why I get pissed when I see married couples. I always say things to piss them off. Or whenever people are in relationships, or finally becoming HAPPY, I say shit to piss them off because I will never be happy. What the fuck man? How the fuck do I change this fucking shit!?!
One God away from suicide
To rebuild and restructure the personal psyche, you must understand how it works. Everyday, I learn new things about myself and new things about my life.
I am convinced my mother doesn't love me. It all makes sense now. Why I'm the only one of 4 kids to ever be desperate for the love of a woman. Why girls who actually give a shit about me mean nothing to me. Why the only people I can ever love are the ones who walk away from me.
It makes sense. I've only been unable to recover from the loss of love from 2 girls ever in the history of my life. Sarah and Jenna. Because I loved them, and they didn't love me. That's what they have in common: They're just like my mother. And that's what has been identified as "love" to me from my mother. Because my mom "loves" me in a way where she doesn't show it.
Because she treats every one of the other kids differently. And because I have the same name as my father, who I think she secretly hates. And because I was the only kid my father named, it's like to her, "fuck him, he's not my kid." It's why everybody else in my family has stable relationships.
I am just like my father in so many ways. I am the only one of the male kids who doesn't play "victim". The only time my mom even pretends to love me is when I play "victim".
And maybe it's why I don't get jealous EVER. Because she loved my brother more, and my sister more, and my little brother more. And because they're my siblings, I love them, and I will never hate them. And when women are into another man, I don't care. Maybe it's because that's what love is to me; somebody else will always be loved more.
It's so fucking crazy. I feel like I'm einstein right now because I just figured this out. Because I will never be happy, and it makes sense. The only LOVE that exists to me is a woman who I love, that doesn't love me back. As a human being, you can never truly be happy in that mental state, it incurs a ton of pain. Since "real love" can never make me happy, I will always have a major hole in my life.
Fuck my life. Not in the "FML" sense, I mean seriously, fuck my life. Because no matter what I amount to, I will never be happy. I will always be miserable, depressed and lonely on the inside.
I gotta see if there's a way to fix this.
I am convinced my mother doesn't love me. It all makes sense now. Why I'm the only one of 4 kids to ever be desperate for the love of a woman. Why girls who actually give a shit about me mean nothing to me. Why the only people I can ever love are the ones who walk away from me.
It makes sense. I've only been unable to recover from the loss of love from 2 girls ever in the history of my life. Sarah and Jenna. Because I loved them, and they didn't love me. That's what they have in common: They're just like my mother. And that's what has been identified as "love" to me from my mother. Because my mom "loves" me in a way where she doesn't show it.
Because she treats every one of the other kids differently. And because I have the same name as my father, who I think she secretly hates. And because I was the only kid my father named, it's like to her, "fuck him, he's not my kid." It's why everybody else in my family has stable relationships.
I am just like my father in so many ways. I am the only one of the male kids who doesn't play "victim". The only time my mom even pretends to love me is when I play "victim".
And maybe it's why I don't get jealous EVER. Because she loved my brother more, and my sister more, and my little brother more. And because they're my siblings, I love them, and I will never hate them. And when women are into another man, I don't care. Maybe it's because that's what love is to me; somebody else will always be loved more.
It's so fucking crazy. I feel like I'm einstein right now because I just figured this out. Because I will never be happy, and it makes sense. The only LOVE that exists to me is a woman who I love, that doesn't love me back. As a human being, you can never truly be happy in that mental state, it incurs a ton of pain. Since "real love" can never make me happy, I will always have a major hole in my life.
Fuck my life. Not in the "FML" sense, I mean seriously, fuck my life. Because no matter what I amount to, I will never be happy. I will always be miserable, depressed and lonely on the inside.
I gotta see if there's a way to fix this.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
LMAO
The danger about talking with a girl who is almost exactly like you, is you know her abilities, you know her proclivities and you know that she's got the same negative power as you: to drop somebody at a moment's notice as if they've never existed.
Oh boy.
I'm almost done with this toon. I'm so sick of sacrificing every thing in my life for it.
Oh boy.
I'm almost done with this toon. I'm so sick of sacrificing every thing in my life for it.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Patience
The most difficult thing about proving everyone wrong, and making everyone regret their lack of faith of you, is that animation takes fucking FOREVER! Gotta stay patient though!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Slipping
Well I did a couple frames of animation today, and then I stopped. I need a break. My eyes are hurting.
Really, I shouldn't be on the computer today. At least, not now, not anymore. I don't want to start having to wear glasses.
On days like today, when I break from the cartoon, I get frustrated. I get bored. I just get angry.
I feel the spears of failure are starting to press against my head. That little voice inside of me that used to be labelled "depression" is talking, and it's telling my brain: "feel like shit man, you can't do anything good enough", but my brain is fighting it. My emotional state is sustained, which is fucking awesome.
I sent out two pop songs to my producer today to attempt to get a songwriting deal. Of course, shit probably won't go through. It's frustrating because I want to be the man that's the "stand up" guy to someone, but all the qualities I have are mediocre at best. It kills me I can't sing well enough, I can't write well enough, hell, even this cartoon will probably wind up being "not good enough". I won't let it get me down, I'm trying to stay strong.
Because it's good enough for me, and it's my art, right? Yeah, but it's a costly art field.
So on days like today, I look at old pictures of me. Man, I was a good looking mother fucker. I need to get back in shape. It sucks to know shit like my hairline's receded too much to ever look the way I did in highschool, but if I could get my skin on my face tight again, shit I would look good. It's difficult cause food makes me happy haha.
I talked to Antonia the last few days via facebook email. It appears she still loves me, and she doesn't want to admit it. I can't lie, I miss the way her body cuddled next to mine, it was like the perfect fucking fit, but man, I don't want to lead her on. There's something about her that's holding me back from loving her 100%, and I don't know what it is. But I can't play with her head. My physical selfish desire has to be overlooked. Like a part of me down inside has a ton of affection for her, and when we're together there is so much physical passion between us. There were nights when we would sleep next to each other that I would wake up at 1am and just start making out with her, cause I was so happy to wake up and see who was sitting next to me.
I feel like my entire life at this point is just one big memory. It's so hard to change it man. How do I make new memories? How do I stop dwelling on the past? How do I make new friends by myself?
I was looking at pictures of me from 2007ish. I don't get it. Half those nights I had 2 or 3 girls fighting over me, making out with me, and now here I am at home. But then again, that's like God and the devil fighting inside of me. When I go out, I tear shit up. I mean, last time I actually went out for an evening, early June, I wound up having sex with a woman I never knew before and I never talked to again. I woke up the next morning feeling empty as hell. Part of me enjoys those nights, but the other part of me is like "dude, this shit ain't right!"
But I don't go out now. Every time I do, I get in trouble.
Oh this blog is like therapy. When there's discomfort in my chest and I write shit here, it all disappears.
Really, I shouldn't be on the computer today. At least, not now, not anymore. I don't want to start having to wear glasses.
On days like today, when I break from the cartoon, I get frustrated. I get bored. I just get angry.
I feel the spears of failure are starting to press against my head. That little voice inside of me that used to be labelled "depression" is talking, and it's telling my brain: "feel like shit man, you can't do anything good enough", but my brain is fighting it. My emotional state is sustained, which is fucking awesome.
I sent out two pop songs to my producer today to attempt to get a songwriting deal. Of course, shit probably won't go through. It's frustrating because I want to be the man that's the "stand up" guy to someone, but all the qualities I have are mediocre at best. It kills me I can't sing well enough, I can't write well enough, hell, even this cartoon will probably wind up being "not good enough". I won't let it get me down, I'm trying to stay strong.
Because it's good enough for me, and it's my art, right? Yeah, but it's a costly art field.
So on days like today, I look at old pictures of me. Man, I was a good looking mother fucker. I need to get back in shape. It sucks to know shit like my hairline's receded too much to ever look the way I did in highschool, but if I could get my skin on my face tight again, shit I would look good. It's difficult cause food makes me happy haha.
I talked to Antonia the last few days via facebook email. It appears she still loves me, and she doesn't want to admit it. I can't lie, I miss the way her body cuddled next to mine, it was like the perfect fucking fit, but man, I don't want to lead her on. There's something about her that's holding me back from loving her 100%, and I don't know what it is. But I can't play with her head. My physical selfish desire has to be overlooked. Like a part of me down inside has a ton of affection for her, and when we're together there is so much physical passion between us. There were nights when we would sleep next to each other that I would wake up at 1am and just start making out with her, cause I was so happy to wake up and see who was sitting next to me.
I feel like my entire life at this point is just one big memory. It's so hard to change it man. How do I make new memories? How do I stop dwelling on the past? How do I make new friends by myself?
I was looking at pictures of me from 2007ish. I don't get it. Half those nights I had 2 or 3 girls fighting over me, making out with me, and now here I am at home. But then again, that's like God and the devil fighting inside of me. When I go out, I tear shit up. I mean, last time I actually went out for an evening, early June, I wound up having sex with a woman I never knew before and I never talked to again. I woke up the next morning feeling empty as hell. Part of me enjoys those nights, but the other part of me is like "dude, this shit ain't right!"
But I don't go out now. Every time I do, I get in trouble.
Oh this blog is like therapy. When there's discomfort in my chest and I write shit here, it all disappears.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Worthless
So I just did a shot of limoncello. I still have the bottle in my room from almost a year ago. This is probably my second alcoholic drink of all of 2010.
I guess since I'm in my room by myself I should send a toast out. A toast to all those with the incurable loneliness. The ones who are better by themselves and feel weighed down by friends. The ones who will never find happiness in this life. The ones who will always feel worthless.
Sure, maybe I haven't found my purpose or my place yet. And yeah, I've been good at patching in the holes in other people's lives when their spirits are low. I mean, back when I was like 14, I complained that I was always the friend who cared, but nobody was there for me. But at 26, I don't need friends who care when I'm down. Because my art, through writing songs and making cartoons, is what brings me up. My internal pain is expressed through these things.
Like my cartoon for example, sure, in the end, it's just silly, but there are millions of hidden messages and people and things that are all relative to my life. I probably can never say them because who knows, if it ever goes anywhere, people will sue me because fuck this world, everyone is a pussy.
It makes me think, because my mind can hold a billion memories at once. Do any of the people I ever touched ever think about me? Do they ever say "I wonder what happened to him?" I remember every girl I ever dated. I wonder if any of them ever say "Man, I hope Freddy is doing good now". The ones who I brought up when every other guy just shit on them, and they felt worthless, and I made them feel like they had value, am I just the "bridge in the gap" in their overall life? Do they remember my name, my face?
I think that's the beauty of it, that people like me are meant to be forgotten. We are inconsequential. I'm surprised this alcohol hasn't hit me yet, I'm such a lightweight, that a couple sips of beer generally make me feel buzzed.
I'm lost and I've accepted it man. I've accepted I'm always going to be lonely. So what to do I do? Attempt to become rich so I can dull the pain with money? So I can be the next Hugh Hefner, sleep with women I don't remember just so I can dull the pain inside of me that says "you are nothing and you mean nobody to anyone"? Buy any love I can get?
Okay, the money hasn't come in. And it may never come in. But why the fuck does it matter either way? I can only buy love, so even if I make money, or don't make money, I will be pointless and worthless to all. I can truly and genuinely fucking care about someone, and completely FUCK it up.
How do I change? Jesus, how do I change it? I'm worthless man!
I guess since I'm in my room by myself I should send a toast out. A toast to all those with the incurable loneliness. The ones who are better by themselves and feel weighed down by friends. The ones who will never find happiness in this life. The ones who will always feel worthless.
Sure, maybe I haven't found my purpose or my place yet. And yeah, I've been good at patching in the holes in other people's lives when their spirits are low. I mean, back when I was like 14, I complained that I was always the friend who cared, but nobody was there for me. But at 26, I don't need friends who care when I'm down. Because my art, through writing songs and making cartoons, is what brings me up. My internal pain is expressed through these things.
Like my cartoon for example, sure, in the end, it's just silly, but there are millions of hidden messages and people and things that are all relative to my life. I probably can never say them because who knows, if it ever goes anywhere, people will sue me because fuck this world, everyone is a pussy.
It makes me think, because my mind can hold a billion memories at once. Do any of the people I ever touched ever think about me? Do they ever say "I wonder what happened to him?" I remember every girl I ever dated. I wonder if any of them ever say "Man, I hope Freddy is doing good now". The ones who I brought up when every other guy just shit on them, and they felt worthless, and I made them feel like they had value, am I just the "bridge in the gap" in their overall life? Do they remember my name, my face?
I think that's the beauty of it, that people like me are meant to be forgotten. We are inconsequential. I'm surprised this alcohol hasn't hit me yet, I'm such a lightweight, that a couple sips of beer generally make me feel buzzed.
I'm lost and I've accepted it man. I've accepted I'm always going to be lonely. So what to do I do? Attempt to become rich so I can dull the pain with money? So I can be the next Hugh Hefner, sleep with women I don't remember just so I can dull the pain inside of me that says "you are nothing and you mean nobody to anyone"? Buy any love I can get?
Okay, the money hasn't come in. And it may never come in. But why the fuck does it matter either way? I can only buy love, so even if I make money, or don't make money, I will be pointless and worthless to all. I can truly and genuinely fucking care about someone, and completely FUCK it up.
How do I change? Jesus, how do I change it? I'm worthless man!
When all of my faith's lost...
I'm trying my best to keep my chin up through the difficult times, and lucky for me it's working. I know things will all be different soon. Things will all be better soon. I'm heading towards the life I want to live.
So let me make some goals now and hopefully a year from now I will be able to compare and see if I was able to make any of these goals come true. These are the things that keep the faith in myself going.
-By September 2011, I'd like to be attending school in San Diego, CA. Well, anywhere in SoCal. SDSU, USC, anything, but working towards a degree in engineering. It's silly to keep talking about how badly I wish to be out west, so now, I'm working towards it. I still have time to get a good college experience in.
-I want to finish at least 3 cartoons by next year (22 minute episodes). I hope to start raising awareness towards the cartoon also, hoping to develop some sort of a fanbase. To me, making lots of money isn't the objective, it's just making ENOUGH money to continue to pursue my hobby. Animation is extremely EXTREMELY difficult and tedious, and it would be nice to have a team to work with, but until that day comes, I will continue to create these toons myself.
-I'd like to finish the full length album, but since that isn't really feasible, I'd like to at least have a legit 3 song demo to attempt to shop with the cartoon. Most likely with the songs Limoncello, Free and Forever Never Ends, in their newest and best forms.
-I'd like to be in better shape than I am, but this is a low priority. Being healthy is a bigger priority, it's just working on the cartoon and staying in shape is a very difficult combination.
As far as friends, love, being a better person...etc. All these things can be gained/changed in one night. I just go out, turn on the confidence switch, and I'm friends with everyone.
I was recently talking to a girl and she started getting angry cause I never called her or texted her ever, even though we were only talking a week. I don't have that drive or passion to have a girlfriend right now.
On that note, I really think I had mommy issues or some shit growing up. Maybe my mom never held me when I was young or something. Who knows. I've always felt somewhat of a fractured relationship between myself and my mom, so maybe that's why my entire life all I've ever worried about is girls and finding love. It's a hard thing to just snap out of at 26, but it's like anything in your life that's difficult.
And in all fairness, I can't truly blame my parents for who I am. I mean, sure, every quality in my life is absorbed from them, but they both had pretty messed up childhoods themselves. They did the best they could when they raised me. But I gain my overly critical "hate-everything" senses from my mother, and I gained my over-dramatic "everything is something to be upset about" senses from my father. I only pray that when I am older and have children I can kill these bad qualities inside of me and give them a positive role model.
I was cleaning out my basement the other day and I found a large chest that had a bunch of old things in it. My mom had a bunch of journals from when she was 15-19. I read them. I know she may not have wanted me to, but whatever. I was just curious what my mom was like when she was younger. And it almost made me cry reading it.
First off, major props to the woman, cause she made a bold statement saying "all my friends are having sex, I don't understand why I should have to. I think staying a virgin is better". At least between my two parents, when they encouraged me to wait till marriage to have sex, my mom wasn't being a hypocrite. But I started reading when she was about 18-19ish. This is the part that made me sad. She was writing when she was a few months out of highschool, and she was looking over the ocean, and talking about where her life was going. She had dreams, and her future was an empty canvas ready for her to paint. And now, to look at it, it makes me sad. She never got to live the dreams she had when she was younger. My dad was kind of a dick to her when they were first married.
In all fairness, all 4 of the kids they had are incredibly talented. I mean, I write fucking music that people enjoy and I animate cartoons. Who the fuck can actually do BOTH of those things? My brother Jeremy, who's 25, is in the Number 1 art school in the entire country. He was 1 out of 60 accepted in a year that over 18,000 applied. He works with some A-list celebrities, even though he's on crack when he says things like "Scarlett Johansen is fat". My sister Jacqui, who's 23, has an amazing voice, is an amazing musician and has a heart to serve Jesus. And my little brother Ben, who's 15, well, he's too young to tell right now. I mean, if they didn't get to live their dreams, at least they had kids who have some insane talent.
I wish I could go back and stop all the bad shit that happened to my mom when she was like 4. But if I did, I would be a different person than I am today. The truth is, when you cleanse a tortured soul, you kill the artist. Maybe my soul isn't tortured, but it's in constant pain.
And I asked my mom once "Ma, I always feel like you hated me growing up. Is there a reason you were never close to me?" She said that "I think it's because you are so much like me, that I hated you for it", or something along those lines.
And it explains it all. It's why I can only love a girl who I can never get. It's why I'm more in love when I dream about being with a girl, than when I'm actually with her. It's because I always felt like my mom never actually loved me. Maybe it's why I have such a huge heart for girls who don't have a good dad in their life, because I'm just like them, except on the opposite side of the sex. I mean, my mom does so much for me now, and maybe it's because she feels like she's compensating. I love my mom, and I love my dad, but it all makes perfect sense.
They say we all look for someone who has the qualities our parents have, specifically, our parent of the opposite sex. That's why I love the intelligent, nerdy type girls, cause that's what my mom is haha. Girls who wear glasses drive me crazy. Girls who are the "damsel in distress", because the "damsel in distress" can never find true love.
It's true. All the disney fairy tales always end with "happy ever after". But the truth is, when the drama is gone, so is the happy. When the girl is no longer the damsel in distress, and instead is the happy damsel, she's lost. Like my mom, who always looked like she was dreaming about being somewhere else, anywhere but here. She said she loved me, her actions showed she loved me, but it always seemed like her face said something else.
Maybe because she never forgave my father for some of the things he did to her. Maybe because I have the same name as my father. Maybe it's why she treats my other brothers with so much more love and affection. I don't know. I'll never know.
So, all those girls who have no positive male role models, I'm just like one of them. And the same can be said about all of them, that can be said about me: We will all die miserable. There is no happy ending for us. Every good thing we'll ever hold, we will turn to shit, because we don't know any other way. You can give me everything I've ever wanted in a woman, and I won't know what to do with her. I'll just crash and burn and months later when it's all over say "shit, I should have kept her". So many times over the past few years I've met a girl that is a certified "good woman", who is not only beautiful, but intelligent. And I just got scared. I ran away.
So I'll be lost in those eternal skies as well, searching for someone that feels like everything will be alright. And I must keep pushing myself forward, and keeping my mind occupied with things that let me dull the pain, the loneliness and the empty feeling that I will always have.
I guess that's why people like me were meant to be artists. And that's why people like me HATE what music has become, because half these fuckers who are participating in music don't feel the pain that we do.
Man I got off topic. Whoops. Shit happens.
So let me make some goals now and hopefully a year from now I will be able to compare and see if I was able to make any of these goals come true. These are the things that keep the faith in myself going.
-By September 2011, I'd like to be attending school in San Diego, CA. Well, anywhere in SoCal. SDSU, USC, anything, but working towards a degree in engineering. It's silly to keep talking about how badly I wish to be out west, so now, I'm working towards it. I still have time to get a good college experience in.
-I want to finish at least 3 cartoons by next year (22 minute episodes). I hope to start raising awareness towards the cartoon also, hoping to develop some sort of a fanbase. To me, making lots of money isn't the objective, it's just making ENOUGH money to continue to pursue my hobby. Animation is extremely EXTREMELY difficult and tedious, and it would be nice to have a team to work with, but until that day comes, I will continue to create these toons myself.
-I'd like to finish the full length album, but since that isn't really feasible, I'd like to at least have a legit 3 song demo to attempt to shop with the cartoon. Most likely with the songs Limoncello, Free and Forever Never Ends, in their newest and best forms.
-I'd like to be in better shape than I am, but this is a low priority. Being healthy is a bigger priority, it's just working on the cartoon and staying in shape is a very difficult combination.
As far as friends, love, being a better person...etc. All these things can be gained/changed in one night. I just go out, turn on the confidence switch, and I'm friends with everyone.
I was recently talking to a girl and she started getting angry cause I never called her or texted her ever, even though we were only talking a week. I don't have that drive or passion to have a girlfriend right now.
On that note, I really think I had mommy issues or some shit growing up. Maybe my mom never held me when I was young or something. Who knows. I've always felt somewhat of a fractured relationship between myself and my mom, so maybe that's why my entire life all I've ever worried about is girls and finding love. It's a hard thing to just snap out of at 26, but it's like anything in your life that's difficult.
And in all fairness, I can't truly blame my parents for who I am. I mean, sure, every quality in my life is absorbed from them, but they both had pretty messed up childhoods themselves. They did the best they could when they raised me. But I gain my overly critical "hate-everything" senses from my mother, and I gained my over-dramatic "everything is something to be upset about" senses from my father. I only pray that when I am older and have children I can kill these bad qualities inside of me and give them a positive role model.
I was cleaning out my basement the other day and I found a large chest that had a bunch of old things in it. My mom had a bunch of journals from when she was 15-19. I read them. I know she may not have wanted me to, but whatever. I was just curious what my mom was like when she was younger. And it almost made me cry reading it.
First off, major props to the woman, cause she made a bold statement saying "all my friends are having sex, I don't understand why I should have to. I think staying a virgin is better". At least between my two parents, when they encouraged me to wait till marriage to have sex, my mom wasn't being a hypocrite. But I started reading when she was about 18-19ish. This is the part that made me sad. She was writing when she was a few months out of highschool, and she was looking over the ocean, and talking about where her life was going. She had dreams, and her future was an empty canvas ready for her to paint. And now, to look at it, it makes me sad. She never got to live the dreams she had when she was younger. My dad was kind of a dick to her when they were first married.
In all fairness, all 4 of the kids they had are incredibly talented. I mean, I write fucking music that people enjoy and I animate cartoons. Who the fuck can actually do BOTH of those things? My brother Jeremy, who's 25, is in the Number 1 art school in the entire country. He was 1 out of 60 accepted in a year that over 18,000 applied. He works with some A-list celebrities, even though he's on crack when he says things like "Scarlett Johansen is fat". My sister Jacqui, who's 23, has an amazing voice, is an amazing musician and has a heart to serve Jesus. And my little brother Ben, who's 15, well, he's too young to tell right now. I mean, if they didn't get to live their dreams, at least they had kids who have some insane talent.
I wish I could go back and stop all the bad shit that happened to my mom when she was like 4. But if I did, I would be a different person than I am today. The truth is, when you cleanse a tortured soul, you kill the artist. Maybe my soul isn't tortured, but it's in constant pain.
And I asked my mom once "Ma, I always feel like you hated me growing up. Is there a reason you were never close to me?" She said that "I think it's because you are so much like me, that I hated you for it", or something along those lines.
And it explains it all. It's why I can only love a girl who I can never get. It's why I'm more in love when I dream about being with a girl, than when I'm actually with her. It's because I always felt like my mom never actually loved me. Maybe it's why I have such a huge heart for girls who don't have a good dad in their life, because I'm just like them, except on the opposite side of the sex. I mean, my mom does so much for me now, and maybe it's because she feels like she's compensating. I love my mom, and I love my dad, but it all makes perfect sense.
They say we all look for someone who has the qualities our parents have, specifically, our parent of the opposite sex. That's why I love the intelligent, nerdy type girls, cause that's what my mom is haha. Girls who wear glasses drive me crazy. Girls who are the "damsel in distress", because the "damsel in distress" can never find true love.
It's true. All the disney fairy tales always end with "happy ever after". But the truth is, when the drama is gone, so is the happy. When the girl is no longer the damsel in distress, and instead is the happy damsel, she's lost. Like my mom, who always looked like she was dreaming about being somewhere else, anywhere but here. She said she loved me, her actions showed she loved me, but it always seemed like her face said something else.
Maybe because she never forgave my father for some of the things he did to her. Maybe because I have the same name as my father. Maybe it's why she treats my other brothers with so much more love and affection. I don't know. I'll never know.
So, all those girls who have no positive male role models, I'm just like one of them. And the same can be said about all of them, that can be said about me: We will all die miserable. There is no happy ending for us. Every good thing we'll ever hold, we will turn to shit, because we don't know any other way. You can give me everything I've ever wanted in a woman, and I won't know what to do with her. I'll just crash and burn and months later when it's all over say "shit, I should have kept her". So many times over the past few years I've met a girl that is a certified "good woman", who is not only beautiful, but intelligent. And I just got scared. I ran away.
So I'll be lost in those eternal skies as well, searching for someone that feels like everything will be alright. And I must keep pushing myself forward, and keeping my mind occupied with things that let me dull the pain, the loneliness and the empty feeling that I will always have.
I guess that's why people like me were meant to be artists. And that's why people like me HATE what music has become, because half these fuckers who are participating in music don't feel the pain that we do.
Man I got off topic. Whoops. Shit happens.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
No Way Out
Sometimes when I hear a song, I hear words and stories behind it that nobody else does.
It's funny, recently a song has been stirring inside my head that never meant much to me in 2001 when I first heard it, but suddenly, listening to it gives me chills inside. It's almost like, when I hear it, I'm traveling back in time. Back to when I was 18.
Back to May 2002. When I couldn't wait to get out of highschool. I was only 2 months away, and I knew I was destined to be a rockstar. We were playing shows, and making new friends every day. The summer wind was creeping in slowly. I had just met Jenna, my first real love. I also made out with a blonde haired blue eyed cheerleader, which kind of highlighted my climb throughout highschool: starting by sitting at the Boces table, and ending by being friends with everyone. And it was all ending soon, and I couldn't wait: the world was filled with so many possibilities.
The other night I unintentionally drove by the spot where Jenna and I first kissed. It was in a parking lot. I cut class to hang out with her (she had taken the day off from school to get some stuff for her friends wedding) and she met me at my school, and we went out to lunch, and kissed for the first time. Now, the store is being torn down, but the parking lot is still there. It's fitting right? It's an empty shell of a place that used to be full of life, and color.
The songs from this time are so magical to me, because there was no better time in my life than these few months. You know how they say "sometimes the anticipation of something is better than actually having it"? Well yeah, that's how it was with my highschool graduation. Once I was out, things just changed. Nothing panned out the way I had intended.
I fell into the work trap afterwards. I didn't fully chase my dreams, but when I was 18, I wouldn't have made it as a rockstar anyway. I just worked to make money. I lost all the friends I had because money was my first love. While so many of my friends were staying up til 3am every night enjoying life, I was waking up at 3am to get paid $8 an hour off the books (which was good money back then haha).
I think it's good to remember the good times. The awesome times. The fun times. The hopeful times. The times where all we relied on were our dreams and faith that we would make it where we need to go. And as time moves on, and I get older, I lose touch of all those dreams faster and faster. I guess part of me is still scared to grow up.
I don't know how to get back to being that social butterfly I was. I guess it all starts by discovering who the hell I am exactly. I feel that I need to stay almost hidden from the world until then. I'm sick of being one thing, and then it changes, and then changes again...
So here's to finding that magic, that life, that color that existed in 2002. It's still there, it just needs to be rediscovered.
But I have to ignore the ugliness of the world!
It's funny, recently a song has been stirring inside my head that never meant much to me in 2001 when I first heard it, but suddenly, listening to it gives me chills inside. It's almost like, when I hear it, I'm traveling back in time. Back to when I was 18.
Back to May 2002. When I couldn't wait to get out of highschool. I was only 2 months away, and I knew I was destined to be a rockstar. We were playing shows, and making new friends every day. The summer wind was creeping in slowly. I had just met Jenna, my first real love. I also made out with a blonde haired blue eyed cheerleader, which kind of highlighted my climb throughout highschool: starting by sitting at the Boces table, and ending by being friends with everyone. And it was all ending soon, and I couldn't wait: the world was filled with so many possibilities.
The other night I unintentionally drove by the spot where Jenna and I first kissed. It was in a parking lot. I cut class to hang out with her (she had taken the day off from school to get some stuff for her friends wedding) and she met me at my school, and we went out to lunch, and kissed for the first time. Now, the store is being torn down, but the parking lot is still there. It's fitting right? It's an empty shell of a place that used to be full of life, and color.
The songs from this time are so magical to me, because there was no better time in my life than these few months. You know how they say "sometimes the anticipation of something is better than actually having it"? Well yeah, that's how it was with my highschool graduation. Once I was out, things just changed. Nothing panned out the way I had intended.
I fell into the work trap afterwards. I didn't fully chase my dreams, but when I was 18, I wouldn't have made it as a rockstar anyway. I just worked to make money. I lost all the friends I had because money was my first love. While so many of my friends were staying up til 3am every night enjoying life, I was waking up at 3am to get paid $8 an hour off the books (which was good money back then haha).
I think it's good to remember the good times. The awesome times. The fun times. The hopeful times. The times where all we relied on were our dreams and faith that we would make it where we need to go. And as time moves on, and I get older, I lose touch of all those dreams faster and faster. I guess part of me is still scared to grow up.
I don't know how to get back to being that social butterfly I was. I guess it all starts by discovering who the hell I am exactly. I feel that I need to stay almost hidden from the world until then. I'm sick of being one thing, and then it changes, and then changes again...
So here's to finding that magic, that life, that color that existed in 2002. It's still there, it just needs to be rediscovered.
But I have to ignore the ugliness of the world!
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Magic
I used to believe that one day there'd be a girl for me. And then I got older, and I saw the world for what it was.
I think the loss of innocence is equivalent to Eve eating the apple from the tree. After having sex for the first time, you don't see the magic in the eyes of women anymore. You don't believe in romance, or the beauty they present. It all becomes another face, another time, another place.
I try to reset myself just to feel these feelings again, but sometimes I worry that they are too far gone. Can you really believe in love when you know the truth?
I don't feel lonely. I don't feel. Because I don't feel, I am content. But it's coming at a risk. I guess I need to experience all the emotions I used to.
I think the loss of innocence is equivalent to Eve eating the apple from the tree. After having sex for the first time, you don't see the magic in the eyes of women anymore. You don't believe in romance, or the beauty they present. It all becomes another face, another time, another place.
I try to reset myself just to feel these feelings again, but sometimes I worry that they are too far gone. Can you really believe in love when you know the truth?
I don't feel lonely. I don't feel. Because I don't feel, I am content. But it's coming at a risk. I guess I need to experience all the emotions I used to.
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