One God away from suicide

To rebuild and restructure the personal psyche, you must understand how it works. Everyday, I learn new things about myself and new things about my life.

I am convinced my mother doesn't love me. It all makes sense now. Why I'm the only one of 4 kids to ever be desperate for the love of a woman. Why girls who actually give a shit about me mean nothing to me. Why the only people I can ever love are the ones who walk away from me.

It makes sense. I've only been unable to recover from the loss of love from 2 girls ever in the history of my life. Sarah and Jenna. Because I loved them, and they didn't love me. That's what they have in common: They're just like my mother. And that's what has been identified as "love" to me from my mother. Because my mom "loves" me in a way where she doesn't show it.

Because she treats every one of the other kids differently. And because I have the same name as my father, who I think she secretly hates. And because I was the only kid my father named, it's like to her, "fuck him, he's not my kid." It's why everybody else in my family has stable relationships.

I am just like my father in so many ways. I am the only one of the male kids who doesn't play "victim". The only time my mom even pretends to love me is when I play "victim".

And maybe it's why I don't get jealous EVER. Because she loved my brother more, and my sister more, and my little brother more. And because they're my siblings, I love them, and I will never hate them. And when women are into another man, I don't care. Maybe it's because that's what love is to me; somebody else will always be loved more.

It's so fucking crazy. I feel like I'm einstein right now because I just figured this out. Because I will never be happy, and it makes sense. The only LOVE that exists to me is a woman who I love, that doesn't love me back. As a human being, you can never truly be happy in that mental state, it incurs a ton of pain. Since "real love" can never make me happy, I will always have a major hole in my life.

Fuck my life. Not in the "FML" sense, I mean seriously, fuck my life. Because no matter what I amount to, I will never be happy. I will always be miserable, depressed and lonely on the inside.

I gotta see if there's a way to fix this.