I'm trying my best to keep my chin up through the difficult times, and lucky for me it's working. I know things will all be different soon. Things will all be better soon. I'm heading towards the life I want to live.
So let me make some goals now and hopefully a year from now I will be able to compare and see if I was able to make any of these goals come true. These are the things that keep the faith in myself going.
-By September 2011, I'd like to be attending school in San Diego, CA. Well, anywhere in SoCal. SDSU, USC, anything, but working towards a degree in engineering. It's silly to keep talking about how badly I wish to be out west, so now, I'm working towards it. I still have time to get a good college experience in.
-I want to finish at least 3 cartoons by next year (22 minute episodes). I hope to start raising awareness towards the cartoon also, hoping to develop some sort of a fanbase. To me, making lots of money isn't the objective, it's just making ENOUGH money to continue to pursue my hobby. Animation is extremely EXTREMELY difficult and tedious, and it would be nice to have a team to work with, but until that day comes, I will continue to create these toons myself.
-I'd like to finish the full length album, but since that isn't really feasible, I'd like to at least have a legit 3 song demo to attempt to shop with the cartoon. Most likely with the songs Limoncello, Free and Forever Never Ends, in their newest and best forms.
-I'd like to be in better shape than I am, but this is a low priority. Being healthy is a bigger priority, it's just working on the cartoon and staying in shape is a very difficult combination.
As far as friends, love, being a better person...etc. All these things can be gained/changed in one night. I just go out, turn on the confidence switch, and I'm friends with everyone.
I was recently talking to a girl and she started getting angry cause I never called her or texted her ever, even though we were only talking a week. I don't have that drive or passion to have a girlfriend right now.
On that note, I really think I had mommy issues or some shit growing up. Maybe my mom never held me when I was young or something. Who knows. I've always felt somewhat of a fractured relationship between myself and my mom, so maybe that's why my entire life all I've ever worried about is girls and finding love. It's a hard thing to just snap out of at 26, but it's like anything in your life that's difficult.
And in all fairness, I can't truly blame my parents for who I am. I mean, sure, every quality in my life is absorbed from them, but they both had pretty messed up childhoods themselves. They did the best they could when they raised me. But I gain my overly critical "hate-everything" senses from my mother, and I gained my over-dramatic "everything is something to be upset about" senses from my father. I only pray that when I am older and have children I can kill these bad qualities inside of me and give them a positive role model.
I was cleaning out my basement the other day and I found a large chest that had a bunch of old things in it. My mom had a bunch of journals from when she was 15-19. I read them. I know she may not have wanted me to, but whatever. I was just curious what my mom was like when she was younger. And it almost made me cry reading it.
First off, major props to the woman, cause she made a bold statement saying "all my friends are having sex, I don't understand why I should have to. I think staying a virgin is better". At least between my two parents, when they encouraged me to wait till marriage to have sex, my mom wasn't being a hypocrite. But I started reading when she was about 18-19ish. This is the part that made me sad. She was writing when she was a few months out of highschool, and she was looking over the ocean, and talking about where her life was going. She had dreams, and her future was an empty canvas ready for her to paint. And now, to look at it, it makes me sad. She never got to live the dreams she had when she was younger. My dad was kind of a dick to her when they were first married.
In all fairness, all 4 of the kids they had are incredibly talented. I mean, I write fucking music that people enjoy and I animate cartoons. Who the fuck can actually do BOTH of those things? My brother Jeremy, who's 25, is in the Number 1 art school in the entire country. He was 1 out of 60 accepted in a year that over 18,000 applied. He works with some A-list celebrities, even though he's on crack when he says things like "Scarlett Johansen is fat". My sister Jacqui, who's 23, has an amazing voice, is an amazing musician and has a heart to serve Jesus. And my little brother Ben, who's 15, well, he's too young to tell right now. I mean, if they didn't get to live their dreams, at least they had kids who have some insane talent.
I wish I could go back and stop all the bad shit that happened to my mom when she was like 4. But if I did, I would be a different person than I am today. The truth is, when you cleanse a tortured soul, you kill the artist. Maybe my soul isn't tortured, but it's in constant pain.
And I asked my mom once "Ma, I always feel like you hated me growing up. Is there a reason you were never close to me?" She said that "I think it's because you are so much like me, that I hated you for it", or something along those lines.
And it explains it all. It's why I can only love a girl who I can never get. It's why I'm more in love when I dream about being with a girl, than when I'm actually with her. It's because I always felt like my mom never actually loved me. Maybe it's why I have such a huge heart for girls who don't have a good dad in their life, because I'm just like them, except on the opposite side of the sex. I mean, my mom does so much for me now, and maybe it's because she feels like she's compensating. I love my mom, and I love my dad, but it all makes perfect sense.
They say we all look for someone who has the qualities our parents have, specifically, our parent of the opposite sex. That's why I love the intelligent, nerdy type girls, cause that's what my mom is haha. Girls who wear glasses drive me crazy. Girls who are the "damsel in distress", because the "damsel in distress" can never find true love.
It's true. All the disney fairy tales always end with "happy ever after". But the truth is, when the drama is gone, so is the happy. When the girl is no longer the damsel in distress, and instead is the happy damsel, she's lost. Like my mom, who always looked like she was dreaming about being somewhere else, anywhere but here. She said she loved me, her actions showed she loved me, but it always seemed like her face said something else.
Maybe because she never forgave my father for some of the things he did to her. Maybe because I have the same name as my father. Maybe it's why she treats my other brothers with so much more love and affection. I don't know. I'll never know.
So, all those girls who have no positive male role models, I'm just like one of them. And the same can be said about all of them, that can be said about me: We will all die miserable. There is no happy ending for us. Every good thing we'll ever hold, we will turn to shit, because we don't know any other way. You can give me everything I've ever wanted in a woman, and I won't know what to do with her. I'll just crash and burn and months later when it's all over say "shit, I should have kept her". So many times over the past few years I've met a girl that is a certified "good woman", who is not only beautiful, but intelligent. And I just got scared. I ran away.
So I'll be lost in those eternal skies as well, searching for someone that feels like everything will be alright. And I must keep pushing myself forward, and keeping my mind occupied with things that let me dull the pain, the loneliness and the empty feeling that I will always have.
I guess that's why people like me were meant to be artists. And that's why people like me HATE what music has become, because half these fuckers who are participating in music don't feel the pain that we do.
Man I got off topic. Whoops. Shit happens.
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