Worthless

So I just did a shot of limoncello. I still have the bottle in my room from almost a year ago. This is probably my second alcoholic drink of all of 2010.

I guess since I'm in my room by myself I should send a toast out. A toast to all those with the incurable loneliness. The ones who are better by themselves and feel weighed down by friends. The ones who will never find happiness in this life. The ones who will always feel worthless.

Sure, maybe I haven't found my purpose or my place yet. And yeah, I've been good at patching in the holes in other people's lives when their spirits are low. I mean, back when I was like 14, I complained that I was always the friend who cared, but nobody was there for me. But at 26, I don't need friends who care when I'm down. Because my art, through writing songs and making cartoons, is what brings me up. My internal pain is expressed through these things.

Like my cartoon for example, sure, in the end, it's just silly, but there are millions of hidden messages and people and things that are all relative to my life. I probably can never say them because who knows, if it ever goes anywhere, people will sue me because fuck this world, everyone is a pussy.

It makes me think, because my mind can hold a billion memories at once. Do any of the people I ever touched ever think about me? Do they ever say "I wonder what happened to him?" I remember every girl I ever dated. I wonder if any of them ever say "Man, I hope Freddy is doing good now". The ones who I brought up when every other guy just shit on them, and they felt worthless, and I made them feel like they had value, am I just the "bridge in the gap" in their overall life? Do they remember my name, my face?

I think that's the beauty of it, that people like me are meant to be forgotten. We are inconsequential. I'm surprised this alcohol hasn't hit me yet, I'm such a lightweight, that a couple sips of beer generally make me feel buzzed.

I'm lost and I've accepted it man. I've accepted I'm always going to be lonely. So what to do I do? Attempt to become rich so I can dull the pain with money? So I can be the next Hugh Hefner, sleep with women I don't remember just so I can dull the pain inside of me that says "you are nothing and you mean nobody to anyone"? Buy any love I can get?

Okay, the money hasn't come in. And it may never come in. But why the fuck does it matter either way? I can only buy love, so even if I make money, or don't make money, I will be pointless and worthless to all. I can truly and genuinely fucking care about someone, and completely FUCK it up.

How do I change? Jesus, how do I change it? I'm worthless man!