No Way Out

Sometimes when I hear a song, I hear words and stories behind it that nobody else does.

It's funny, recently a song has been stirring inside my head that never meant much to me in 2001 when I first heard it, but suddenly, listening to it gives me chills inside. It's almost like, when I hear it, I'm traveling back in time. Back to when I was 18.

Back to May 2002. When I couldn't wait to get out of highschool. I was only 2 months away, and I knew I was destined to be a rockstar. We were playing shows, and making new friends every day. The summer wind was creeping in slowly. I had just met Jenna, my first real love. I also made out with a blonde haired blue eyed cheerleader, which kind of highlighted my climb throughout highschool: starting by sitting at the Boces table, and ending by being friends with everyone. And it was all ending soon, and I couldn't wait: the world was filled with so many possibilities.

The other night I unintentionally drove by the spot where Jenna and I first kissed. It was in a parking lot. I cut class to hang out with her (she had taken the day off from school to get some stuff for her friends wedding) and she met me at my school, and we went out to lunch, and kissed for the first time. Now, the store is being torn down, but the parking lot is still there. It's fitting right? It's an empty shell of a place that used to be full of life, and color.

The songs from this time are so magical to me, because there was no better time in my life than these few months. You know how they say "sometimes the anticipation of something is better than actually having it"? Well yeah, that's how it was with my highschool graduation. Once I was out, things just changed. Nothing panned out the way I had intended.

I fell into the work trap afterwards. I didn't fully chase my dreams, but when I was 18, I wouldn't have made it as a rockstar anyway. I just worked to make money. I lost all the friends I had because money was my first love. While so many of my friends were staying up til 3am every night enjoying life, I was waking up at 3am to get paid $8 an hour off the books (which was good money back then haha).

I think it's good to remember the good times. The awesome times. The fun times. The hopeful times. The times where all we relied on were our dreams and faith that we would make it where we need to go. And as time moves on, and I get older, I lose touch of all those dreams faster and faster. I guess part of me is still scared to grow up.

I don't know how to get back to being that social butterfly I was. I guess it all starts by discovering who the hell I am exactly. I feel that I need to stay almost hidden from the world until then. I'm sick of being one thing, and then it changes, and then changes again...

So here's to finding that magic, that life, that color that existed in 2002. It's still there, it just needs to be rediscovered.

But I have to ignore the ugliness of the world!