Slipping

Well I did a couple frames of animation today, and then I stopped. I need a break. My eyes are hurting.

Really, I shouldn't be on the computer today. At least, not now, not anymore. I don't want to start having to wear glasses.

On days like today, when I break from the cartoon, I get frustrated. I get bored. I just get angry.

I feel the spears of failure are starting to press against my head. That little voice inside of me that used to be labelled "depression" is talking, and it's telling my brain: "feel like shit man, you can't do anything good enough", but my brain is fighting it. My emotional state is sustained, which is fucking awesome.

I sent out two pop songs to my producer today to attempt to get a songwriting deal. Of course, shit probably won't go through. It's frustrating because I want to be the man that's the "stand up" guy to someone, but all the qualities I have are mediocre at best. It kills me I can't sing well enough, I can't write well enough, hell, even this cartoon will probably wind up being "not good enough". I won't let it get me down, I'm trying to stay strong.

Because it's good enough for me, and it's my art, right? Yeah, but it's a costly art field.

So on days like today, I look at old pictures of me. Man, I was a good looking mother fucker. I need to get back in shape. It sucks to know shit like my hairline's receded too much to ever look the way I did in highschool, but if I could get my skin on my face tight again, shit I would look good. It's difficult cause food makes me happy haha.

I talked to Antonia the last few days via facebook email. It appears she still loves me, and she doesn't want to admit it. I can't lie, I miss the way her body cuddled next to mine, it was like the perfect fucking fit, but man, I don't want to lead her on. There's something about her that's holding me back from loving her 100%, and I don't know what it is. But I can't play with her head. My physical selfish desire has to be overlooked. Like a part of me down inside has a ton of affection for her, and when we're together there is so much physical passion between us. There were nights when we would sleep next to each other that I would wake up at 1am and just start making out with her, cause I was so happy to wake up and see who was sitting next to me.

I feel like my entire life at this point is just one big memory. It's so hard to change it man. How do I make new memories? How do I stop dwelling on the past? How do I make new friends by myself?

I was looking at pictures of me from 2007ish. I don't get it. Half those nights I had 2 or 3 girls fighting over me, making out with me, and now here I am at home. But then again, that's like God and the devil fighting inside of me. When I go out, I tear shit up. I mean, last time I actually went out for an evening, early June, I wound up having sex with a woman I never knew before and I never talked to again. I woke up the next morning feeling empty as hell. Part of me enjoys those nights, but the other part of me is like "dude, this shit ain't right!"

But I don't go out now. Every time I do, I get in trouble.

Oh this blog is like therapy. When there's discomfort in my chest and I write shit here, it all disappears.