"I was in a band. The lead singer went crazy and kicked everyone out. He had really good music too, but he just lost his mind or something."
I'm putting things together in order to get a "for hire" band rolling. For the love of Christ, all I keep doing is listening to my music, songs I've taken years to put together, and the longer I keep them hidden, the more of a waste of talent I'm becoming!
No more talk, more "do!"
Nothing makes me happier than writing music, working on my music, and hearing my music. Why do anything BUT what makes me happy as hell, right?
Monday, November 29, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Perspective:
Today I found out something I needed to know. It disgusted me. It made me sick. It made me never want to kiss or hook up with a girl again in my life.
I can't even write it for fear of her reading this. I really should take down the link to this site from my FB lol. Sometimes you hear something about a person that sums up who they are in a nutshell. There are rumors and then there is truth. Rumors are like a game of telephone that gets twisted out of control. But beneath those rumors always lie some small truth.
BLECHHHHHH!!!!
So no more rockstar attitude. I've been doing awesome staying away from prowling women and hanging out with girls withOUT trying to hook up. But this concludes things.
The best way to describe the situation is like this: Picking up a piece of garbage, insisting that it's special, and in the end finding out it is what it is: a piece of fucking trash! Now that may be harsh, but my mind sickens at the fact that I let myself believe she was special. I let my parents actually ENCOURAGE interaction between us! My parents sat her down and told her "he needs a good woman!" and assumed she could fill that role!
WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKK!?!??!
Not my parents fault, I was just as blinded. Just saying.
So what do I learn from this?
1. Respect for yourself. RESPECT YOURSELF FIRST! Don't settle for shit!
2. If something is too good to be true (at first), it probably is.
3. No more settling again EVER!!!
I still feel sick about this!!!!
I can't even write it for fear of her reading this. I really should take down the link to this site from my FB lol. Sometimes you hear something about a person that sums up who they are in a nutshell. There are rumors and then there is truth. Rumors are like a game of telephone that gets twisted out of control. But beneath those rumors always lie some small truth.
BLECHHHHHH!!!!
So no more rockstar attitude. I've been doing awesome staying away from prowling women and hanging out with girls withOUT trying to hook up. But this concludes things.
The best way to describe the situation is like this: Picking up a piece of garbage, insisting that it's special, and in the end finding out it is what it is: a piece of fucking trash! Now that may be harsh, but my mind sickens at the fact that I let myself believe she was special. I let my parents actually ENCOURAGE interaction between us! My parents sat her down and told her "he needs a good woman!" and assumed she could fill that role!
WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKK!?!??!
Not my parents fault, I was just as blinded. Just saying.
So what do I learn from this?
1. Respect for yourself. RESPECT YOURSELF FIRST! Don't settle for shit!
2. If something is too good to be true (at first), it probably is.
3. No more settling again EVER!!!
I still feel sick about this!!!!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Miss I
I saw my old English teacher tonight while I was at Applebees with my brother.
Miss I. She got married that year, so my class was the last one to refer to her as "Miss I". I don't remember her new name.
When I was a junior in highschool, she was my English teacher. She had to be 23 or 24. She was young, she was the cheerleading coach, and she was the teacher that all of us had a secret crush on. She was a beautiful blonde woman who was assertive, and put me in my place many times that year.
But I remembered her for something else. She was the first teacher I ever had that really believed in me. She honestly thought I was smart, and she saw through all the bullshit and the facades I put up to make myself look cool. After a year in her class, she recommended me for honors English the next year. I took it, but shortly dropped out realizing it was my senior year and I didn't plan on going to college anyway. I never would have taken honors english anyway. But I did it for her, because she really believed in me, and I wanted to prove to everyone she was right. When my teacher the next year was apathetic, it was hard for me to actually WANT to stay in honors english.
One of my friends in her class always used to call me "ugly". While he was only busting my chops, it really got to me. It really lowered my self esteem. I had TERRIBLE acne in highschool, and in that socially awkward stage, it's hard for a man to be assertive and say "who fucking cares?"
It got to me one day. I remember staying after school to hang out with my friends. I had been an asshole in her class that day, and she confronted me in front of my friends. She pulled me aside and didn't talk to me like a teacher, she talked to me like a friend, but a friend who's about to kick your ass. She was pissed. Eventually I cracked and told her I feel like I'm fucking ugly. And she started yelling at me "Don't listen to that kid. Are you kidding? You're not ugly at all! You're a very attractive young man! Why do you even listen to people who aren't as good looking as you?" Maybe those weren't the EXACT words, but it was something almost exactly similar. After she walked away, my friends came up to me and remarked "she's crushing on you!"
I didn't take it that way, but when you're in highschool and hear a teacher remark those words, the rumor train starts.
Miss I had an amazing effect on my life, in ways that I'm still unsure of. In a way, she was like the mom or big sister I wish I had at the time. The one to remind me I'm not ugly, to make me realize I'm smarter than I act or think. She believed in me. And while I sit at Applebees, facing her at the bar, I know who she is.
But does she recognize me? Who knows. I wanted to say hi. I would have loved to say hi. She was with her husband, the same man she married nearly 10 years ago, and I was happy to see that she found real love. They were drinking at the bar, and they were all over each other like highschool students in love. But she kept putting her hands in his crotch area, and after witnessing this, I really didn't feel like saying hi. It's her husband, nothing wrong with being sexual, but at the same time, I looked at her almost like a big sister or a mom, and seeing my mom or big sister doing that would have weirded me out.
The other part of me didn't want to say hello because I didn't want her to know, 9 years after she tried kicking my ass into shape, that I was driving busses. Could she really believe that she would have any effect on students if she saw the one she "inspired" didn't use the intelligence he had the way she expected?
It's funny how sometimes in our life we meet somebody that has a HUGE effect on our life, but they'll never know. It's funny that 10 years later we can recognize their face, and thoughts of them still swirl through our mind, but to them, we're just another face at the bar.
But it gives me pleasure knowing that she's happy. She made my life better, being one of the only teachers I ever had who actually knew how to get through to me, and now, she's still doing the job she loves, with a man she loves, living an awesome life. Props to you Miss I, may the sun shine brightly on you always! : )
Miss I. She got married that year, so my class was the last one to refer to her as "Miss I". I don't remember her new name.
When I was a junior in highschool, she was my English teacher. She had to be 23 or 24. She was young, she was the cheerleading coach, and she was the teacher that all of us had a secret crush on. She was a beautiful blonde woman who was assertive, and put me in my place many times that year.
But I remembered her for something else. She was the first teacher I ever had that really believed in me. She honestly thought I was smart, and she saw through all the bullshit and the facades I put up to make myself look cool. After a year in her class, she recommended me for honors English the next year. I took it, but shortly dropped out realizing it was my senior year and I didn't plan on going to college anyway. I never would have taken honors english anyway. But I did it for her, because she really believed in me, and I wanted to prove to everyone she was right. When my teacher the next year was apathetic, it was hard for me to actually WANT to stay in honors english.
One of my friends in her class always used to call me "ugly". While he was only busting my chops, it really got to me. It really lowered my self esteem. I had TERRIBLE acne in highschool, and in that socially awkward stage, it's hard for a man to be assertive and say "who fucking cares?"
It got to me one day. I remember staying after school to hang out with my friends. I had been an asshole in her class that day, and she confronted me in front of my friends. She pulled me aside and didn't talk to me like a teacher, she talked to me like a friend, but a friend who's about to kick your ass. She was pissed. Eventually I cracked and told her I feel like I'm fucking ugly. And she started yelling at me "Don't listen to that kid. Are you kidding? You're not ugly at all! You're a very attractive young man! Why do you even listen to people who aren't as good looking as you?" Maybe those weren't the EXACT words, but it was something almost exactly similar. After she walked away, my friends came up to me and remarked "she's crushing on you!"
I didn't take it that way, but when you're in highschool and hear a teacher remark those words, the rumor train starts.
Miss I had an amazing effect on my life, in ways that I'm still unsure of. In a way, she was like the mom or big sister I wish I had at the time. The one to remind me I'm not ugly, to make me realize I'm smarter than I act or think. She believed in me. And while I sit at Applebees, facing her at the bar, I know who she is.
But does she recognize me? Who knows. I wanted to say hi. I would have loved to say hi. She was with her husband, the same man she married nearly 10 years ago, and I was happy to see that she found real love. They were drinking at the bar, and they were all over each other like highschool students in love. But she kept putting her hands in his crotch area, and after witnessing this, I really didn't feel like saying hi. It's her husband, nothing wrong with being sexual, but at the same time, I looked at her almost like a big sister or a mom, and seeing my mom or big sister doing that would have weirded me out.
The other part of me didn't want to say hello because I didn't want her to know, 9 years after she tried kicking my ass into shape, that I was driving busses. Could she really believe that she would have any effect on students if she saw the one she "inspired" didn't use the intelligence he had the way she expected?
It's funny how sometimes in our life we meet somebody that has a HUGE effect on our life, but they'll never know. It's funny that 10 years later we can recognize their face, and thoughts of them still swirl through our mind, but to them, we're just another face at the bar.
But it gives me pleasure knowing that she's happy. She made my life better, being one of the only teachers I ever had who actually knew how to get through to me, and now, she's still doing the job she loves, with a man she loves, living an awesome life. Props to you Miss I, may the sun shine brightly on you always! : )
Friday, November 26, 2010
Dreams are the only thing I keep
I hate it when I have an AMAZING dream. I mean, the type of dream that encompasses almost a week's worth of time. So perfect, so beautiful, where everything goes right, only to wake up and realize that week's worth of perfection doesn't exist. And that girl that was with me in that dream doesn't know we fell in love. And I'm alone in my bed with nothing but my blankets and pillows.
Maybe 5 years ago I'd be filled with inspiration after a dream like this. Today, I wake up and I consider the possibilities of me and her being together. The belief I hold is that any girl in this world that I want, I can get. And I don't mean it in an asshole-cocky way. But the fact is, when a man knows 100% he wants a girl, he'll do anything to get her.
That includes going into the place she works, getting rejected by her every day, and coming back the next day and still insisting she come out with him one night. Thinking about her all the time, and ways to rock her world. Winning a woman's heart is like a battle plan. You always have to be one step ahead of her, and perform feats that she doesn't see coming.
Okay, reality is that while the romantic shit is all good and fun, I over analyze too much. Every woman I've ever met I tend to analyze to infinite and conjure reasons why she isn't worth that effort, and in the end, I settle.
So maybe in our life, some people are just meant to be a source of inspiration. Maybe knee-shattering beauty is altruistic to song-writing, poetry and other forms of art. From what I understand, the middle ages were the same way. "Romantic love" and it's stories were written by people who were "in love" with the wife of another man. It wasn't written about their current wife!
I think back to the perfect example of "judging a book by it's cover". Amelia, my ex girlfriend. When I met her in 2007, she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. I was with my current girlfriend when we first met (Kankles/Krystal) at the restaurant she worked at. I was with my brother, and he knew her. She had stunning blue eyes, an insane smile, and that light brown-blonde Florida hair. This was in Jacksonville, so the Florida thing made sense.
It was depressing to look at her, and then look at what was sitting next to me. For 2 years of my life, I had settled with Krystal. I knew from day 1 she wasn't the woman I wanted, but I "fell" into a relationship with her, and I couldn't get up. A couple weeks later we broke up. It had nothing to do with AMelia. Once Krystal insisted we get engaged, I lost all interest in her. The idea of spending the rest of my life with someone I was "settling" with actually made me physically sick.
As soon as we were done, I set my eyes on Amelia. I was convinced 100% that this was the girl I wanted, and I'd do anything to get her. It eventually worked, and it was less than a month that me and her were spending the entire weekend together at her apartment.
But then, I slowly watched the most beautiful girl I had seen in my life at that time turn into something disgusting. The person she was inside was equal to sewage. She would slap me in public, or slap me when I snored. She constantly was bitching and whining and complaining about everything. When I refused to be her punching bag, she got even more emotionally capricious. She was judgmental, condescending, while at the same time, straight up evil.
I remember something I said to myself prior to the relationship "I don't care who this girl is inside, I could love her forever just based on her magical looks alone". But when I was with her, it became like a whirlwind of pain, and I couldn't stand it. One day, her older sister beat the shit out of her, and when I picked her up later that evening, she had two black eyes. I was smiling inside. I wasn't the one who hit her, but it was karma.
Then one day she asked me "how would you feel if I said we should get married in a week?" I responded "ehhhhhhh" and she flipped the fuck out.
Okay, so I'm going somewhere with this.
Maybe since her I've been more cautious. I haven't pursued anyone in that "romantic" sense, because I haven't been convinced anyone is a suitable enough match for me. I'm scared to be blinded by someone's beauty, only to fall into a bear trap below.
So maybe sometimes quotidian dreams are the best option for a life spent with a girl I can't touch. Maybe falling in love every night, only to watch it disappear when my eye lids open inspires the flame this song writer needs. The idea of touching, kissing and holding the hands of someone, while it seems so perfect, can be met with major disappointment when you see that down inside, they aren't who you expect. Who knows? Maybe she farts at night. Maybe her breath smells. Maybe she's a gold digger. There are some traits in women that are an automatic "lose all interest" in my mind. Like Antonia, and her desire for a socially productive lifestyle by clinging on to me. I don't want a girl to be with me because of my friends. My friends come and go at my own whims.
I'm still waiting, and I don't doubt one day that the right woman will come along. I just need to know when it's the "right one" so I can pull out all stops to get her!
Maybe 5 years ago I'd be filled with inspiration after a dream like this. Today, I wake up and I consider the possibilities of me and her being together. The belief I hold is that any girl in this world that I want, I can get. And I don't mean it in an asshole-cocky way. But the fact is, when a man knows 100% he wants a girl, he'll do anything to get her.
That includes going into the place she works, getting rejected by her every day, and coming back the next day and still insisting she come out with him one night. Thinking about her all the time, and ways to rock her world. Winning a woman's heart is like a battle plan. You always have to be one step ahead of her, and perform feats that she doesn't see coming.
Okay, reality is that while the romantic shit is all good and fun, I over analyze too much. Every woman I've ever met I tend to analyze to infinite and conjure reasons why she isn't worth that effort, and in the end, I settle.
So maybe in our life, some people are just meant to be a source of inspiration. Maybe knee-shattering beauty is altruistic to song-writing, poetry and other forms of art. From what I understand, the middle ages were the same way. "Romantic love" and it's stories were written by people who were "in love" with the wife of another man. It wasn't written about their current wife!
I think back to the perfect example of "judging a book by it's cover". Amelia, my ex girlfriend. When I met her in 2007, she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. I was with my current girlfriend when we first met (Kankles/Krystal) at the restaurant she worked at. I was with my brother, and he knew her. She had stunning blue eyes, an insane smile, and that light brown-blonde Florida hair. This was in Jacksonville, so the Florida thing made sense.
It was depressing to look at her, and then look at what was sitting next to me. For 2 years of my life, I had settled with Krystal. I knew from day 1 she wasn't the woman I wanted, but I "fell" into a relationship with her, and I couldn't get up. A couple weeks later we broke up. It had nothing to do with AMelia. Once Krystal insisted we get engaged, I lost all interest in her. The idea of spending the rest of my life with someone I was "settling" with actually made me physically sick.
As soon as we were done, I set my eyes on Amelia. I was convinced 100% that this was the girl I wanted, and I'd do anything to get her. It eventually worked, and it was less than a month that me and her were spending the entire weekend together at her apartment.
But then, I slowly watched the most beautiful girl I had seen in my life at that time turn into something disgusting. The person she was inside was equal to sewage. She would slap me in public, or slap me when I snored. She constantly was bitching and whining and complaining about everything. When I refused to be her punching bag, she got even more emotionally capricious. She was judgmental, condescending, while at the same time, straight up evil.
I remember something I said to myself prior to the relationship "I don't care who this girl is inside, I could love her forever just based on her magical looks alone". But when I was with her, it became like a whirlwind of pain, and I couldn't stand it. One day, her older sister beat the shit out of her, and when I picked her up later that evening, she had two black eyes. I was smiling inside. I wasn't the one who hit her, but it was karma.
Then one day she asked me "how would you feel if I said we should get married in a week?" I responded "ehhhhhhh" and she flipped the fuck out.
Okay, so I'm going somewhere with this.
Maybe since her I've been more cautious. I haven't pursued anyone in that "romantic" sense, because I haven't been convinced anyone is a suitable enough match for me. I'm scared to be blinded by someone's beauty, only to fall into a bear trap below.
So maybe sometimes quotidian dreams are the best option for a life spent with a girl I can't touch. Maybe falling in love every night, only to watch it disappear when my eye lids open inspires the flame this song writer needs. The idea of touching, kissing and holding the hands of someone, while it seems so perfect, can be met with major disappointment when you see that down inside, they aren't who you expect. Who knows? Maybe she farts at night. Maybe her breath smells. Maybe she's a gold digger. There are some traits in women that are an automatic "lose all interest" in my mind. Like Antonia, and her desire for a socially productive lifestyle by clinging on to me. I don't want a girl to be with me because of my friends. My friends come and go at my own whims.
I'm still waiting, and I don't doubt one day that the right woman will come along. I just need to know when it's the "right one" so I can pull out all stops to get her!
Friday, November 19, 2010
Words without melody
I type. I type. I type.
I'm typing words with no emotion, with no inflection with no reason with no rhyme with no fucking point.
Black letters forming over a white screen.
I pick up my guitar, and it says nothing. It sings nothing. There is nothing to sing or say tonight.
I'm killing myself slowly by living another day, another hour, and doing nothing with it.
I'm just empty right now. It feels like nothing is inside. Just air. Just space. No emotion, no feeling, no nothing.
Barely sentient. Barely barely.
I'm typing words with no emotion, with no inflection with no reason with no rhyme with no fucking point.
Black letters forming over a white screen.
I pick up my guitar, and it says nothing. It sings nothing. There is nothing to sing or say tonight.
I'm killing myself slowly by living another day, another hour, and doing nothing with it.
I'm just empty right now. It feels like nothing is inside. Just air. Just space. No emotion, no feeling, no nothing.
Barely sentient. Barely barely.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
So cloooooose!
Taking my new tricks I learned at the poker table, I played 2 tournaments tonight. One was an $8 buy in, where the winner received $350, out of about 116. The other was a $24 buy in, where the winner received $8,300.
The $8 tournament paid the top 15. I FINISHED 17TH : ( !
The $24 tournament I was KILLING IT!!!! But it paid the top 162, and I finished 282nd : ( !!!!
While it sucks to lose the money, I was doing REMARKABLY well in the early rounds. In the $24 tournament, I went up to 30,000 chips and I was in 3rd place with about 500 people left. I was MURDERED on an incredibly bad beat, and it only went downhill from there.
In the $8 tournament, I was in 2nd place with about 90 people left.
It was extremely difficult to continue to think with the RIGHT mindset as the tournament dwindled down. The thought of winning $8,000 in just a couple hours weighs HEAVILY on your mind, you get nervous, and make desperate/STUPID plays! For more experienced players, the grind is easier.
So what changed? LUCK does have a lot to do with winning, but the game also consists of a LOT of skill! How was I able to build up INSANE stacks so fast?
I'm becoming VERY acute at detecting weakness.
MY BIGGEST WEAKNESS: I HAVE TO LEARN TO LAY DOWN HANDS when it's CLEAR I'm beat!!!
POKER is incredibly simple. Hands are like stories. If a story doesn't make sense, it's not true.
So I must learn from the mistakes I made today and press on!!! : D
The $8 tournament paid the top 15. I FINISHED 17TH : ( !
The $24 tournament I was KILLING IT!!!! But it paid the top 162, and I finished 282nd : ( !!!!
While it sucks to lose the money, I was doing REMARKABLY well in the early rounds. In the $24 tournament, I went up to 30,000 chips and I was in 3rd place with about 500 people left. I was MURDERED on an incredibly bad beat, and it only went downhill from there.
In the $8 tournament, I was in 2nd place with about 90 people left.
It was extremely difficult to continue to think with the RIGHT mindset as the tournament dwindled down. The thought of winning $8,000 in just a couple hours weighs HEAVILY on your mind, you get nervous, and make desperate/STUPID plays! For more experienced players, the grind is easier.
So what changed? LUCK does have a lot to do with winning, but the game also consists of a LOT of skill! How was I able to build up INSANE stacks so fast?
I'm becoming VERY acute at detecting weakness.
MY BIGGEST WEAKNESS: I HAVE TO LEARN TO LAY DOWN HANDS when it's CLEAR I'm beat!!!
POKER is incredibly simple. Hands are like stories. If a story doesn't make sense, it's not true.
So I must learn from the mistakes I made today and press on!!! : D
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Void
Sometimes we all have a void we can't fill. I always assume that by typing these words I'll feel satiated. It's never the case.
Despite the positives, despite the good news, despite it all, I still feel empty inside, and these empty words don't cure the disease.
I've spent my life writing songs, dreaming that when the words hit the target, it would change their world.
That never was the case. I caused some to cry, I caused some to think I'm insane, I caused some to be completely non chalant about it. It wasn't as dramatic as I expected.
I pick up my guitar hoping something positive would come out, but it was empty. Inspiration used to come when I realized they'd hear my song, and they'd know.
But hear I am writing empty pointless words just hoping to soothe the angry nothings I have raging inside.
Despite the positives, despite the good news, despite it all, I still feel empty inside, and these empty words don't cure the disease.
I've spent my life writing songs, dreaming that when the words hit the target, it would change their world.
That never was the case. I caused some to cry, I caused some to think I'm insane, I caused some to be completely non chalant about it. It wasn't as dramatic as I expected.
I pick up my guitar hoping something positive would come out, but it was empty. Inspiration used to come when I realized they'd hear my song, and they'd know.
But hear I am writing empty pointless words just hoping to soothe the angry nothings I have raging inside.
Whirlwind
I've done awesome since going on my diet from women. I've been in 3 situations where I was tempted to break it, and I stayed true!
Funny thing happened last night. I hung out with Heather, the girl from the end of this summer. We talked about why things ended. While I kept some of the truth reserved, I was honest about my mental process and reasoning for giving up on her.
She said "I really liked you!" and I said "I know you did...until you went away that weekend!"
Suddenly, she was on the defensive. I knew she was flirting and getting cozy with some other guy while she was away.
THAT being said, do I have a right to be pissed? Absolutely not. BUT, do I have a right to hook up with another girl, and develop feelings for another girl (which I did), ABSOLUTELY!
I didn't tell her about the other girl, not because I'm scared but because it would really hurt her, and it's an unnecessary truth. Her knowing that tidbit doesn't make her better, in fact it makes her worse.
Anyway, she kept denying it. I told her she didn't text me. She said "There was no service."
Trusting instincts is KEY to survival in this world. I knew she was full of shit on BOTH of those! Once I showed her that she did, in fact, text me while she was there, a few times (when she arrived, and when I asked her "when are you coming home") I proved one of her lies wrong. When I kept pushing the "there was another guy" fact, she kept denying, but eventually admitted (after I coerced her by saying "it's not like we were dating anyway") that there was a guy up there she thought was cute, and was flirting with, but it didn't matter cause we weren't dating.
How the fuck did I know? Am I psychic? While it's cool to boast mysterious powers, that's not the case.
I completely conjured this situation based on human nature, and human tendencies.
Let's look at the facts:
Monday -Thursday: We hung out every day. She really started liking me. We had sex on Thursday night.
Friday: She goes away for a 3 day weekend on a camp for her youth group, as a counselor. She texts me non stop on the way there, texts me one more time to tell me she got there safe and she misses me already.
Saturday: Doesn't text me all day.
Sunday morning (2am): Jeremy (my brother) brings home Laura, the hotter girl that has a crush on me.
Next 12 hours: I think Laura is awesome, don't want to be involved with Heather anymore.
Sunday 7pm: I check my phone, still no text from Heather. I feel no remorse about hooking up with Laura because I KNEW Heather was smitten with some guy upstate at the camp she was at. She went from NON STOP texting to NO texting. I sent her a text asking "when are you coming home?" because I wanted to break it off. She immediately responded "MOnday" with NO "i miss you" or any of that shit.
Monday night: Heather shows up at my door with NO phone call, home from camp. In my mind, this move had GUILT written all over it. It was "I had fun and forgot about you while I was away, but now that I'm home, I realize I have something solid and want to keep it!" I stay away from her. My body language is resistant! I say "I didn't brush my teeth so don't kiss me!" (a total BS lie if anyone knows me considering my addiction to Orbit Wintermint!)
I explained this all to her, sans the Laura part. I explained to her how I made the decision that it was time for us to end this. ESPECIALLY considering that she planning on joining the Navy. THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL I would stay with a girl going through bootcamp that already proved to me she couldn't stay emotionally strong for me for ONE WEEKEND!
This is where the over-analytical trait gets annoying. I actually think all this shit. But in the end, it lead me to make an extremely wise decision, one that would have avoided heartache had we continued this rendezvous.
She's a Gemini and attempts to be analytical, which she is. It's probably why I allowed myself to hang out with her. But as the Zodiac says, she becomes my submissive. I over power her easily mentally. She wanted me to kiss her, and then we had a 15 minute debate with me explaining why I wouldn't kiss her.
It basically went like this:
Heather: "Kiss me"
Freddy: "No! I'm on a woman diet!"
Heather: "It's just going to be a kiss!"
Freddy: "No it won't! It'll lead to something more! You're a fucking nympho dude!"
Heather: "No it won't! I'm not in the mood for sex, I won't let it happen!"
Freddy: "Bullshit"
Heather: "Umm, I really won't! I don't want to have sex right now! Any other night, maybe..."
Freddy: "Dude, okay, let me explain something to you. You're a WOMAN. You only go with the feeling that you feel RIGHT NOW! Right now you don't want to have sex! But after we kiss, my magic kisses will send sparks through you and you will change your mind!"
Heather: "Your magic kisses? Haha!"
Freddy: "See? The fact that you focused on that statement alone instead of denying what I just insinuated shows your true intent!"
Heather: (silence)
Freddy: "Good comeback!"
Except it went on for another 10 minutes with me delineating how it would all unfold.
She was a good kisser, and that made it more difficult for me to resist. But I must focus! I MUST BE STRONG!
And with Heather back in the equation, serendipitously, so is Laura! She's been texting me a LOT the last week, saying she was thinking of swinging by.
The man part of me doesn't want to resist, but for once, my mentality is overpowering my emotional and physical desires. Repairing relations with my mother has made this a lot easier.
I'm looking at all hook ups with girls who I don't have feelings for as "swapping spit". Looking at it that way grosses me out, despite it's 12 year old maturity level connotations! But there's nothing romantic about that! Easy day, no way!
Funny thing happened last night. I hung out with Heather, the girl from the end of this summer. We talked about why things ended. While I kept some of the truth reserved, I was honest about my mental process and reasoning for giving up on her.
She said "I really liked you!" and I said "I know you did...until you went away that weekend!"
Suddenly, she was on the defensive. I knew she was flirting and getting cozy with some other guy while she was away.
THAT being said, do I have a right to be pissed? Absolutely not. BUT, do I have a right to hook up with another girl, and develop feelings for another girl (which I did), ABSOLUTELY!
I didn't tell her about the other girl, not because I'm scared but because it would really hurt her, and it's an unnecessary truth. Her knowing that tidbit doesn't make her better, in fact it makes her worse.
Anyway, she kept denying it. I told her she didn't text me. She said "There was no service."
Trusting instincts is KEY to survival in this world. I knew she was full of shit on BOTH of those! Once I showed her that she did, in fact, text me while she was there, a few times (when she arrived, and when I asked her "when are you coming home") I proved one of her lies wrong. When I kept pushing the "there was another guy" fact, she kept denying, but eventually admitted (after I coerced her by saying "it's not like we were dating anyway") that there was a guy up there she thought was cute, and was flirting with, but it didn't matter cause we weren't dating.
How the fuck did I know? Am I psychic? While it's cool to boast mysterious powers, that's not the case.
I completely conjured this situation based on human nature, and human tendencies.
Let's look at the facts:
Monday -Thursday: We hung out every day. She really started liking me. We had sex on Thursday night.
Friday: She goes away for a 3 day weekend on a camp for her youth group, as a counselor. She texts me non stop on the way there, texts me one more time to tell me she got there safe and she misses me already.
Saturday: Doesn't text me all day.
Sunday morning (2am): Jeremy (my brother) brings home Laura, the hotter girl that has a crush on me.
Next 12 hours: I think Laura is awesome, don't want to be involved with Heather anymore.
Sunday 7pm: I check my phone, still no text from Heather. I feel no remorse about hooking up with Laura because I KNEW Heather was smitten with some guy upstate at the camp she was at. She went from NON STOP texting to NO texting. I sent her a text asking "when are you coming home?" because I wanted to break it off. She immediately responded "MOnday" with NO "i miss you" or any of that shit.
Monday night: Heather shows up at my door with NO phone call, home from camp. In my mind, this move had GUILT written all over it. It was "I had fun and forgot about you while I was away, but now that I'm home, I realize I have something solid and want to keep it!" I stay away from her. My body language is resistant! I say "I didn't brush my teeth so don't kiss me!" (a total BS lie if anyone knows me considering my addiction to Orbit Wintermint!)
I explained this all to her, sans the Laura part. I explained to her how I made the decision that it was time for us to end this. ESPECIALLY considering that she planning on joining the Navy. THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL I would stay with a girl going through bootcamp that already proved to me she couldn't stay emotionally strong for me for ONE WEEKEND!
This is where the over-analytical trait gets annoying. I actually think all this shit. But in the end, it lead me to make an extremely wise decision, one that would have avoided heartache had we continued this rendezvous.
She's a Gemini and attempts to be analytical, which she is. It's probably why I allowed myself to hang out with her. But as the Zodiac says, she becomes my submissive. I over power her easily mentally. She wanted me to kiss her, and then we had a 15 minute debate with me explaining why I wouldn't kiss her.
It basically went like this:
Heather: "Kiss me"
Freddy: "No! I'm on a woman diet!"
Heather: "It's just going to be a kiss!"
Freddy: "No it won't! It'll lead to something more! You're a fucking nympho dude!"
Heather: "No it won't! I'm not in the mood for sex, I won't let it happen!"
Freddy: "Bullshit"
Heather: "Umm, I really won't! I don't want to have sex right now! Any other night, maybe..."
Freddy: "Dude, okay, let me explain something to you. You're a WOMAN. You only go with the feeling that you feel RIGHT NOW! Right now you don't want to have sex! But after we kiss, my magic kisses will send sparks through you and you will change your mind!"
Heather: "Your magic kisses? Haha!"
Freddy: "See? The fact that you focused on that statement alone instead of denying what I just insinuated shows your true intent!"
Heather: (silence)
Freddy: "Good comeback!"
Except it went on for another 10 minutes with me delineating how it would all unfold.
She was a good kisser, and that made it more difficult for me to resist. But I must focus! I MUST BE STRONG!
And with Heather back in the equation, serendipitously, so is Laura! She's been texting me a LOT the last week, saying she was thinking of swinging by.
The man part of me doesn't want to resist, but for once, my mentality is overpowering my emotional and physical desires. Repairing relations with my mother has made this a lot easier.
I'm looking at all hook ups with girls who I don't have feelings for as "swapping spit". Looking at it that way grosses me out, despite it's 12 year old maturity level connotations! But there's nothing romantic about that! Easy day, no way!
Friday, November 12, 2010
Soar across the atmosphere
with your hand in mine, I kiss your ear
and we'd blow the stars apart
with the fireworks from our heart
You say that I don't know you well
but I'd steal you with your flaws
the way that you are
I want as a part of me
Hey yeah,
it's just something you don't see
Hey yeah,
You're a stunning beauty queen
Hey yeah,
I can barely breathe
You fill my heart
and weaken my knees
-------
Dear Jenna,
I'm being called to combat overseas
and it's been so long since I believed
that you'd grow old with me
so take my words
as a man who's speaking from his grave
but a man survives this desert sand,
they're words these lips will never taste
In my life we used to be beautiful
before those chariots come for me
and my soul's at peace,
I wanna relive days
where our love was sparkling new
and dreams of a life with you
still could have come true
If my life is lost,
on my dying day,
with my dying breath,
as it fades away
I'd say "father can we please let heaven wait
let me relive my best days"
Dear Jenna,
for all you know, I speak with angels now,
your love ran dry 10 years ago,
and my love never ceased to grow
with faith, that time would somehow
piece us back one day
--------
You're so beautiful, you don't even know it
so brilliant, you don't even show it
All those needles and pills won't
kill away your pain
but it keeps killing all you are down inside
Oh, you're so cold, you're so cold
and I wanna believe there's a lost girl inside, that I can never understand
You're so cold, you're so cold
I'd swoop down and save you but you can't save what solely never stands
-------
It's too late, it's too late
all my words become the emotions I'd never say
Did you feel the world colliding when we touched?
Did you feel the world collapsing when he took my baby?
-------
Mental cleaning....
-----
Dressing in a suit and tie excites me. It makes me feel like a "real man". It makes me look attractive. When I interviewed for my job, which I was offered today, and I was walking around the office being introduced to the work space, I noticed a few attractive women do a double take when they passed me.
It made me feel better after what I wrote the other day. Maybe it's the confidence. It's being a man, being clean cut, looking good.
That being said, my libido has been dead lately. I've had no desire for women, and I'm happy about it. Maybe it's because my mom and I have gotten closer, and she seems to pay me extra attention now. If that's the case, then that's awesome.
I need to respect myself, and start over. Even if I go without sex or even making out for a year, I'm cool with that. I want an awesome girl in my life, that leads to an awesome marriage. The idea of that only scares me when it's in regards to the WRONG woman. Maybe it's time I find the right one. Maybe it's time that just like God provided AWESOME things for me every time I had faith in him, I need to have faith that God will hook me up with the right girl.
I want a woman who's a good investment of my emotional and mental, and hell, financial energy. I guess after the TERRIBLE experience with KANKLES, a girl who I SPOILED, I've been held back.
But I'm sick of that. I want the girl I'll never get sick of. I want the girl who will be my partner in crime, like Bonnie and Clyde. My best friend. My baby girl. The girl that can reject me a million times, and I'll keep coming back until she says YES.
She's out there. I just need to have faith. Kind of like I had faith through the terrible experience of losing my awesome bus route, only to lead to being hired for a job with awesome benefits and awesome career potential.
So Dear God,
Please bring me this woman whenever you are ready. I got faith that you know who she is, and she's going to blow me away!!!
-AMEN!
with your hand in mine, I kiss your ear
and we'd blow the stars apart
with the fireworks from our heart
You say that I don't know you well
but I'd steal you with your flaws
the way that you are
I want as a part of me
Hey yeah,
it's just something you don't see
Hey yeah,
You're a stunning beauty queen
Hey yeah,
I can barely breathe
You fill my heart
and weaken my knees
-------
Dear Jenna,
I'm being called to combat overseas
and it's been so long since I believed
that you'd grow old with me
so take my words
as a man who's speaking from his grave
but a man survives this desert sand,
they're words these lips will never taste
In my life we used to be beautiful
before those chariots come for me
and my soul's at peace,
I wanna relive days
where our love was sparkling new
and dreams of a life with you
still could have come true
If my life is lost,
on my dying day,
with my dying breath,
as it fades away
I'd say "father can we please let heaven wait
let me relive my best days"
Dear Jenna,
for all you know, I speak with angels now,
your love ran dry 10 years ago,
and my love never ceased to grow
with faith, that time would somehow
piece us back one day
--------
You're so beautiful, you don't even know it
so brilliant, you don't even show it
All those needles and pills won't
kill away your pain
but it keeps killing all you are down inside
Oh, you're so cold, you're so cold
and I wanna believe there's a lost girl inside, that I can never understand
You're so cold, you're so cold
I'd swoop down and save you but you can't save what solely never stands
-------
It's too late, it's too late
all my words become the emotions I'd never say
Did you feel the world colliding when we touched?
Did you feel the world collapsing when he took my baby?
-------
Mental cleaning....
-----
Dressing in a suit and tie excites me. It makes me feel like a "real man". It makes me look attractive. When I interviewed for my job, which I was offered today, and I was walking around the office being introduced to the work space, I noticed a few attractive women do a double take when they passed me.
It made me feel better after what I wrote the other day. Maybe it's the confidence. It's being a man, being clean cut, looking good.
That being said, my libido has been dead lately. I've had no desire for women, and I'm happy about it. Maybe it's because my mom and I have gotten closer, and she seems to pay me extra attention now. If that's the case, then that's awesome.
I need to respect myself, and start over. Even if I go without sex or even making out for a year, I'm cool with that. I want an awesome girl in my life, that leads to an awesome marriage. The idea of that only scares me when it's in regards to the WRONG woman. Maybe it's time I find the right one. Maybe it's time that just like God provided AWESOME things for me every time I had faith in him, I need to have faith that God will hook me up with the right girl.
I want a woman who's a good investment of my emotional and mental, and hell, financial energy. I guess after the TERRIBLE experience with KANKLES, a girl who I SPOILED, I've been held back.
But I'm sick of that. I want the girl I'll never get sick of. I want the girl who will be my partner in crime, like Bonnie and Clyde. My best friend. My baby girl. The girl that can reject me a million times, and I'll keep coming back until she says YES.
She's out there. I just need to have faith. Kind of like I had faith through the terrible experience of losing my awesome bus route, only to lead to being hired for a job with awesome benefits and awesome career potential.
So Dear God,
Please bring me this woman whenever you are ready. I got faith that you know who she is, and she's going to blow me away!!!
-AMEN!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Watching the world change...
I see some people I graduated from highschool with, almost 10 years later, are married. Some are fat. Some have their perfect skin looking lizardish nowadays after all the years of tanning. Some have kids. Some have died.
It's scary seeing and knowing these things. Knowing that the youth in our life is over. It's gone, and it's never coming back. It may be a quotidian theme in my life, but we never thought we would get old. Ever. And now here it is. I'm encroaching 30, and so are all my old friends.
It's frightening to me to watch things change. I have to let go of what I used to have: beauty and hair.
When I was young, I had no confidence. I thought I was ugly. When I was skinny, and had hair. But I saw all the time, when I walked by some girls, they'd drop their jaw. They'd be speechless. And I was scared to talk to them. It's not like that anymore. Sure, it happens here and there, but it's not what it was.
Maybe it explains my recent streak of mothers trying to hook up with me. They know I'll give em beautiful kids. Haha.
It's been 1 day since I decided no more hook ups, and already, I have 2 "blasts from the pasts" in hot pursuit of me. That's how it always works, right? You take yourself off the market, and now people want you.
It's difficult to be a man and say no, but I must continue to be strong. I was talking to one on facebook last night, and she brought up a time we slept together, and it got me turned on, not gonna lie. But it's a man fighting "being a man", for unknown reasons. Maybe it's the faith I've got that if I clean up my act, God will hook me up with an awesome woman.
I want that feeling of never-ending love with somebody. Mentally and emotionally. It's happened a couple times, shit, it could happen again!
I've also been playing a lot of poker lately. I know I'm an intelligent guy, and it seems that there are people who make millions playing poker, why the hell can't it be me?
Blah, blah, blah...not really sure the purpose in getting these words outta me. I saw an old picture of me when I was 14. I used to have beautiful girls getting nervous around me, and now it's like....
I need to get in shape, and get a career lol!
It's scary seeing and knowing these things. Knowing that the youth in our life is over. It's gone, and it's never coming back. It may be a quotidian theme in my life, but we never thought we would get old. Ever. And now here it is. I'm encroaching 30, and so are all my old friends.
It's frightening to me to watch things change. I have to let go of what I used to have: beauty and hair.
When I was young, I had no confidence. I thought I was ugly. When I was skinny, and had hair. But I saw all the time, when I walked by some girls, they'd drop their jaw. They'd be speechless. And I was scared to talk to them. It's not like that anymore. Sure, it happens here and there, but it's not what it was.
Maybe it explains my recent streak of mothers trying to hook up with me. They know I'll give em beautiful kids. Haha.
It's been 1 day since I decided no more hook ups, and already, I have 2 "blasts from the pasts" in hot pursuit of me. That's how it always works, right? You take yourself off the market, and now people want you.
It's difficult to be a man and say no, but I must continue to be strong. I was talking to one on facebook last night, and she brought up a time we slept together, and it got me turned on, not gonna lie. But it's a man fighting "being a man", for unknown reasons. Maybe it's the faith I've got that if I clean up my act, God will hook me up with an awesome woman.
I want that feeling of never-ending love with somebody. Mentally and emotionally. It's happened a couple times, shit, it could happen again!
I've also been playing a lot of poker lately. I know I'm an intelligent guy, and it seems that there are people who make millions playing poker, why the hell can't it be me?
Blah, blah, blah...not really sure the purpose in getting these words outta me. I saw an old picture of me when I was 14. I used to have beautiful girls getting nervous around me, and now it's like....
I need to get in shape, and get a career lol!
Monday, November 8, 2010
That being said...
I think I'm sick of "proving people wrong". I'm sick of trying to compensate in material things for the personality superlatives I lack. I want to be loved and respected for who I am, by all people. I want to unite, not divide.
Breathe in...exhale...
Be patient...
Patience is a virtue I lack. I want everything NOW NOW NOW, and when I don't get it right away, it drives me crazy! And when I get it, I don't want it anymore. It's my life story.
I'm on to the third stage of the interview process. Wow. My first job application with three interviewing steps: one to ensure competence, second to ensure my ability to hold a conversation and sound friendly over the phone, and the third step (on Veterans Day) to ensure I'm the right man for the job!
I can't help but look toward the future and be excited about my prospects of moving back west. I guess this is "selling out", right? I mean, I'm ready to slow down the chase of doing something with my art, whether it be the music, animation or whatever, in order to find my place and succeed in the corporate world.
Or am I doing what it takes to get ahead?
I'm not going to lie, the fact that I could transfer to my old home town made this job incredibly more appealing.
But the chance to start over can NOT be taken lightly. I've had this opportunity too many times in my past, and too many times I wasn't prepared for what "starting over" truly offered.
I read this blog recently in it's nascent stages. I was concealing myself. I was embarrassed at who I truly am: overly opinionated, overly analytical, son of a dramatic conservative and a mom that didn't appear to love him. Those things don't work well in the rock star world, a world built on politics, whether they like to admit it or not.
Considering that a move to California couldn't pan out anytime soon, at least not for 5-6 months, I need to slowly change myself for the better.
The first step I've decided is the most important: When I'm with a friend and talking about another person, I have to find only POSITIVE things to say about them. This is something I just realized, yesterday. In my entire life, there are few people who I've ever said positive things about. Most of the time, I'm honest when expressing my opinion of somebody. But the truth is, those words get back to that person. They get hurt. They dislike me, then their friends dislike me...etc. Domino effect.
But when you say something positive about somebody, it boosts their opinion of you. That happened to me once. A girl asked an old friend of mine what he thought of me, and he had nothing but good things to say about me, although I expected him to trash me. I haven't talked to him since, but my opinion of him since has only been positive.
Being friendly, and being myself. 90% of the time, I'm happy as hell. The other 10%, I'm writing in this blog. It's too bad I don't write when I'm happy, otherwise this thing would be filled with posts.
People like my smile, people like my attitude. People like positivity. People don't like a New Yorker pretending to be an asshole.
What are my goals for the west coast? Living. Loving. Laughing. Enjoying life.
Playing football on the beach, playing guitars on the beach. Playing music at bars. Going to the Padres game, the Chargers game, having the ability to scream at the top of my lungs again for my favorite teams! Playing softball. Going hiking. Hanging out all night in the gaslamp district. Going to the desert, or the mountains, being inspired. Going to Disneyland. Having friends. Having lots of friends. Living. LIVING.
This is the future I see for myself when I leave New York. As somebody who is more optimistic than not (believe it or not!), the future in New York will only be more of the same: Awkwardness with broken social scenes. Clubs. Random shallow hook ups. 4 months of nice weather, 8 months of gray skies and brown, dead trees.
The only thing I'm losing by moving west is my family. And that is NOT an easy thing for me to do. I love my family. I'm extremely close with all of them. But the truth is that I will never become the man I need to be if I don't ween myself away.
And if I remember anything about California, it's that there were days I was having TERRIBLE days, but the weather soothed my soul. Maybe that's the balance I need. In New York, when I'm having a TERRIBLE day, a gray sky, and SNOW IN NOVEMBER can make it worse. I mean, it's not even pretty snow. It's ugly ass slush accumulating dirt on the side of the road.
See what I did there!?! Negativity!
Environment is KEY in my life, and the proof is my experience in the military. I hated where I was. It made me depressed. I got out, and things changed.
Being west again, can I love life? Can I be laid back? The excitement, the hope and the plotting of all of this make me more anxious.
There is so much to do out west. I remember it. I never liked being indoors. In New York, it's too hot and humid, or it's too freezing. There is only a span of 2 months when it's "comfortable" to be outside: April and May!
I've slowly put my dreams on the back burner in order to chase something more solid. While I've been blessed with the ability to write music that people can relate to, it's something I originally created out of spite, and out of desire for attention. Part of growing up is letting those things go.
Does that mean I'm letting it all go? No. I cannot waste my talent. But there are other ways to pursue it.
On another note, I spoke with my management team again today, and there's no news. Yaaaawn. I'm sick of waiting, really.
Patience is a virtue I lack. I want everything NOW NOW NOW, and when I don't get it right away, it drives me crazy! And when I get it, I don't want it anymore. It's my life story.
I'm on to the third stage of the interview process. Wow. My first job application with three interviewing steps: one to ensure competence, second to ensure my ability to hold a conversation and sound friendly over the phone, and the third step (on Veterans Day) to ensure I'm the right man for the job!
I can't help but look toward the future and be excited about my prospects of moving back west. I guess this is "selling out", right? I mean, I'm ready to slow down the chase of doing something with my art, whether it be the music, animation or whatever, in order to find my place and succeed in the corporate world.
Or am I doing what it takes to get ahead?
I'm not going to lie, the fact that I could transfer to my old home town made this job incredibly more appealing.
But the chance to start over can NOT be taken lightly. I've had this opportunity too many times in my past, and too many times I wasn't prepared for what "starting over" truly offered.
I read this blog recently in it's nascent stages. I was concealing myself. I was embarrassed at who I truly am: overly opinionated, overly analytical, son of a dramatic conservative and a mom that didn't appear to love him. Those things don't work well in the rock star world, a world built on politics, whether they like to admit it or not.
Considering that a move to California couldn't pan out anytime soon, at least not for 5-6 months, I need to slowly change myself for the better.
The first step I've decided is the most important: When I'm with a friend and talking about another person, I have to find only POSITIVE things to say about them. This is something I just realized, yesterday. In my entire life, there are few people who I've ever said positive things about. Most of the time, I'm honest when expressing my opinion of somebody. But the truth is, those words get back to that person. They get hurt. They dislike me, then their friends dislike me...etc. Domino effect.
But when you say something positive about somebody, it boosts their opinion of you. That happened to me once. A girl asked an old friend of mine what he thought of me, and he had nothing but good things to say about me, although I expected him to trash me. I haven't talked to him since, but my opinion of him since has only been positive.
Being friendly, and being myself. 90% of the time, I'm happy as hell. The other 10%, I'm writing in this blog. It's too bad I don't write when I'm happy, otherwise this thing would be filled with posts.
People like my smile, people like my attitude. People like positivity. People don't like a New Yorker pretending to be an asshole.
What are my goals for the west coast? Living. Loving. Laughing. Enjoying life.
Playing football on the beach, playing guitars on the beach. Playing music at bars. Going to the Padres game, the Chargers game, having the ability to scream at the top of my lungs again for my favorite teams! Playing softball. Going hiking. Hanging out all night in the gaslamp district. Going to the desert, or the mountains, being inspired. Going to Disneyland. Having friends. Having lots of friends. Living. LIVING.
This is the future I see for myself when I leave New York. As somebody who is more optimistic than not (believe it or not!), the future in New York will only be more of the same: Awkwardness with broken social scenes. Clubs. Random shallow hook ups. 4 months of nice weather, 8 months of gray skies and brown, dead trees.
The only thing I'm losing by moving west is my family. And that is NOT an easy thing for me to do. I love my family. I'm extremely close with all of them. But the truth is that I will never become the man I need to be if I don't ween myself away.
And if I remember anything about California, it's that there were days I was having TERRIBLE days, but the weather soothed my soul. Maybe that's the balance I need. In New York, when I'm having a TERRIBLE day, a gray sky, and SNOW IN NOVEMBER can make it worse. I mean, it's not even pretty snow. It's ugly ass slush accumulating dirt on the side of the road.
See what I did there!?! Negativity!
Environment is KEY in my life, and the proof is my experience in the military. I hated where I was. It made me depressed. I got out, and things changed.
Being west again, can I love life? Can I be laid back? The excitement, the hope and the plotting of all of this make me more anxious.
There is so much to do out west. I remember it. I never liked being indoors. In New York, it's too hot and humid, or it's too freezing. There is only a span of 2 months when it's "comfortable" to be outside: April and May!
I've slowly put my dreams on the back burner in order to chase something more solid. While I've been blessed with the ability to write music that people can relate to, it's something I originally created out of spite, and out of desire for attention. Part of growing up is letting those things go.
Does that mean I'm letting it all go? No. I cannot waste my talent. But there are other ways to pursue it.
On another note, I spoke with my management team again today, and there's no news. Yaaaawn. I'm sick of waiting, really.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Californiaaaaaaaa
Just spoke with the people at GEICO, if I get hired in NY, I can transfer to San Diego, OR get hired "through" New York, FOR San Diego.
Oooooooh so freaking EXCITED!!!!
I'm a bit nervous, not gonna lie, but...ready for a life change!
It'll be on my mind all day, I'm sure : .
Oooooooh so freaking EXCITED!!!!
I'm a bit nervous, not gonna lie, but...ready for a life change!
It'll be on my mind all day, I'm sure : .
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
BAM! Sunshiiiiiiiiiine
Yesterday, I had the day off. The new school I drove for, OysterPonds in Orient, had no school election day. The other school I drove for, TUCKAHOE, was in school. Had I stayed in Tuckahoe, I would not have been off from work on Tuesday.
My mother asked if I wanted to go to the therapist we have been seeing. We hadn't been there in a few months due to my work schedule, but since I was off, I figured, "why not?"
While we were there, I started talking about how broken hearted I was about losing the kids from my life. How it was, to me, like having 60 little brothers and sisters abruptly removed from your life forever, with no goodbyes (because, as a man who's moved MANY times, I know the reality is that I will likely never see any of these kids again.) The therapist made it clear that I had basically experienced a traumatic incident. The fact that I never got to defend myself made it worse.
While I was speaking with my mom, I made it clear that I hate my job now. It's depressing. I went from dealing with the youthful exuberance and dreams of a ton of kids daily, to driving 7 hours a day with a mute autistic child. I cannot talk. I am lonely.
My best asset is my personality. I'm friendly, I love speaking to people, and I make people feel extremely comfortable within the first few minutes they meet me. I feel like even though being a busdriver isn't the most elite "career", I was still utilizing my skills with a bus full of kids. On a small bus with a kid I can't talk to, I am wasting my life.
My mom told me that Geico was hiring customer service representatives, after hearing of my unsatisfactory view of my job. They were starting at $32,000, with full benefits. This is a great job for a single man.
Today, I put on the suit and tie, put on the charm, and went to Geico. I took a 2 hour test, that included testing my capabilities with computers, as well as a psychological test.
The instructor had us sit in a room while they calculated the scores. After two other people left the room, she called me over.
"You have a phone interview on Monday."
I asked, "did I do well on the test?"
"OH yeah" she said, emphasizing the OH.
I mean, I'm an intelligent guy. I had confidence going in, that I'd be right for this job.
But then, later on in the day, I received this email:
"After reviewing your application I feel you are well suited for a dynamic career as a GEICO Customer Service Professional. I would like to set up an appointment with you to begin the hiring process. Please call the front desk from 8:30 am to 5:00 pm at 516-714-7161 to schedule a convenient time
Salary: $34,000 + Outstanding Total Rewards Benefits Package
Work Schedule: (Full time): Monday – Friday 9:00 am -5:30 pm rotating Saturday every 4 weeks. "
This was from the recruiter himself. I guess they felt my application was awesome, so they're subverting the phone interview, and just getting me started : D !
This is all thanks to God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit...I don't have this intelligence without Him, I don't have this opportunity without Him.
Shit, in the end, I always say, HAVE FAITH, and it pays off. Even in my darkest days, I had faith that God had a plan, and He did. And now, I've got an awesome opportunity, with career potential!
AND not to mention: TRANSFER OPPORTUNITIES TO SAN DIEGO CALIFORNIA!!!!!!!!
Seriously STOKED when I saw that : D !
My mother asked if I wanted to go to the therapist we have been seeing. We hadn't been there in a few months due to my work schedule, but since I was off, I figured, "why not?"
While we were there, I started talking about how broken hearted I was about losing the kids from my life. How it was, to me, like having 60 little brothers and sisters abruptly removed from your life forever, with no goodbyes (because, as a man who's moved MANY times, I know the reality is that I will likely never see any of these kids again.) The therapist made it clear that I had basically experienced a traumatic incident. The fact that I never got to defend myself made it worse.
While I was speaking with my mom, I made it clear that I hate my job now. It's depressing. I went from dealing with the youthful exuberance and dreams of a ton of kids daily, to driving 7 hours a day with a mute autistic child. I cannot talk. I am lonely.
My best asset is my personality. I'm friendly, I love speaking to people, and I make people feel extremely comfortable within the first few minutes they meet me. I feel like even though being a busdriver isn't the most elite "career", I was still utilizing my skills with a bus full of kids. On a small bus with a kid I can't talk to, I am wasting my life.
My mom told me that Geico was hiring customer service representatives, after hearing of my unsatisfactory view of my job. They were starting at $32,000, with full benefits. This is a great job for a single man.
Today, I put on the suit and tie, put on the charm, and went to Geico. I took a 2 hour test, that included testing my capabilities with computers, as well as a psychological test.
The instructor had us sit in a room while they calculated the scores. After two other people left the room, she called me over.
"You have a phone interview on Monday."
I asked, "did I do well on the test?"
"OH yeah" she said, emphasizing the OH.
I mean, I'm an intelligent guy. I had confidence going in, that I'd be right for this job.
But then, later on in the day, I received this email:
"After reviewing your application I feel you are well suited for a dynamic career as a GEICO Customer Service Professional. I would like to set up an appointment with you to begin the hiring process. Please call the front desk from 8:30 am to 5:00 pm at 516-714-7161 to schedule a convenient time
Salary: $34,000 + Outstanding Total Rewards Benefits Package
Work Schedule: (Full time): Monday – Friday 9:00 am -5:30 pm rotating Saturday every 4 weeks. "
This was from the recruiter himself. I guess they felt my application was awesome, so they're subverting the phone interview, and just getting me started : D !
This is all thanks to God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit...I don't have this intelligence without Him, I don't have this opportunity without Him.
Shit, in the end, I always say, HAVE FAITH, and it pays off. Even in my darkest days, I had faith that God had a plan, and He did. And now, I've got an awesome opportunity, with career potential!
AND not to mention: TRANSFER OPPORTUNITIES TO SAN DIEGO CALIFORNIA!!!!!!!!
Seriously STOKED when I saw that : D !
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