Dreams are the only thing I keep

I hate it when I have an AMAZING dream. I mean, the type of dream that encompasses almost a week's worth of time. So perfect, so beautiful, where everything goes right, only to wake up and realize that week's worth of perfection doesn't exist. And that girl that was with me in that dream doesn't know we fell in love. And I'm alone in my bed with nothing but my blankets and pillows.

Maybe 5 years ago I'd be filled with inspiration after a dream like this. Today, I wake up and I consider the possibilities of me and her being together. The belief I hold is that any girl in this world that I want, I can get. And I don't mean it in an asshole-cocky way. But the fact is, when a man knows 100% he wants a girl, he'll do anything to get her.

That includes going into the place she works, getting rejected by her every day, and coming back the next day and still insisting she come out with him one night. Thinking about her all the time, and ways to rock her world. Winning a woman's heart is like a battle plan. You always have to be one step ahead of her, and perform feats that she doesn't see coming.

Okay, reality is that while the romantic shit is all good and fun, I over analyze too much. Every woman I've ever met I tend to analyze to infinite and conjure reasons why she isn't worth that effort, and in the end, I settle.

So maybe in our life, some people are just meant to be a source of inspiration. Maybe knee-shattering beauty is altruistic to song-writing, poetry and other forms of art. From what I understand, the middle ages were the same way. "Romantic love" and it's stories were written by people who were "in love" with the wife of another man. It wasn't written about their current wife!

I think back to the perfect example of "judging a book by it's cover". Amelia, my ex girlfriend. When I met her in 2007, she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. I was with my current girlfriend when we first met (Kankles/Krystal) at the restaurant she worked at. I was with my brother, and he knew her. She had stunning blue eyes, an insane smile, and that light brown-blonde Florida hair. This was in Jacksonville, so the Florida thing made sense.

It was depressing to look at her, and then look at what was sitting next to me. For 2 years of my life, I had settled with Krystal. I knew from day 1 she wasn't the woman I wanted, but I "fell" into a relationship with her, and I couldn't get up. A couple weeks later we broke up. It had nothing to do with AMelia. Once Krystal insisted we get engaged, I lost all interest in her. The idea of spending the rest of my life with someone I was "settling" with actually made me physically sick.

As soon as we were done, I set my eyes on Amelia. I was convinced 100% that this was the girl I wanted, and I'd do anything to get her. It eventually worked, and it was less than a month that me and her were spending the entire weekend together at her apartment.

But then, I slowly watched the most beautiful girl I had seen in my life at that time turn into something disgusting. The person she was inside was equal to sewage. She would slap me in public, or slap me when I snored. She constantly was bitching and whining and complaining about everything. When I refused to be her punching bag, she got even more emotionally capricious. She was judgmental, condescending, while at the same time, straight up evil.

I remember something I said to myself prior to the relationship "I don't care who this girl is inside, I could love her forever just based on her magical looks alone". But when I was with her, it became like a whirlwind of pain, and I couldn't stand it. One day, her older sister beat the shit out of her, and when I picked her up later that evening, she had two black eyes. I was smiling inside. I wasn't the one who hit her, but it was karma.

Then one day she asked me "how would you feel if I said we should get married in a week?" I responded "ehhhhhhh" and she flipped the fuck out.

Okay, so I'm going somewhere with this.

Maybe since her I've been more cautious. I haven't pursued anyone in that "romantic" sense, because I haven't been convinced anyone is a suitable enough match for me. I'm scared to be blinded by someone's beauty, only to fall into a bear trap below.

So maybe sometimes quotidian dreams are the best option for a life spent with a girl I can't touch. Maybe falling in love every night, only to watch it disappear when my eye lids open inspires the flame this song writer needs. The idea of touching, kissing and holding the hands of someone, while it seems so perfect, can be met with major disappointment when you see that down inside, they aren't who you expect. Who knows? Maybe she farts at night. Maybe her breath smells. Maybe she's a gold digger. There are some traits in women that are an automatic "lose all interest" in my mind. Like Antonia, and her desire for a socially productive lifestyle by clinging on to me. I don't want a girl to be with me because of my friends. My friends come and go at my own whims.

I'm still waiting, and I don't doubt one day that the right woman will come along. I just need to know when it's the "right one" so I can pull out all stops to get her!