The Ferris Wheel

When I was 17, I rode the Ferris Wheel at Cedar Point.

And I looked out onto the horizon on a beautiful summer day. As I saw the blue sky border the blue water, I realized my entire future lay ahead of me.

There were pages and pages of no words. I was on my seventeenth chapter, and I was ready to author my way to the top of this world. With the world in my grasp, entering my senior year in high school, the future was sunny. It was unwritten, but I was ready to write the Hollywood story: the boy that nobody believed in, became something.

But as the years go by, the plot changed.

My plans, my goals in this life went ignored. I strove for dreams, and I gave up. I half heartedly watched every band I tried for fail. I broken heartedly watched as every woman I truly loved, left.

I joined the military, and made what seemed to be the biggest mistake of my life.

This past weekend, I went to Cedar Point, and across from me sat somebody who I wished wasn't there. A female who I had no feelings for. A female who was completely representing "giving up" in my mind. As I sat in the Ferris Wheel, where my 17 year old phantom once sat, my 26 year old body felt like throwing up.

This isn't how my life was supposed to be fucking written! Are you fucking kidding!?! For the love of Christ, I'm fucking 26, and I'm a God damn nobody! My youth is fading faster and faster, and in the blink of an eye, I'm another year older! How the fuck do I stop!?! HOW DO I STOP TIME!?!!

I see myself in the mirror, and my hair is growing thinner, and my hairline moving back further. Sure, I'm being dramatic, but my body is gaining weight. I'm becoming ugly. I used to fucking turn heads. I used to make girls feel nervous! And now, I'm a 26 year old, out of shape asshole with the face of a boy. I have no friends, and if I died tomorrow, there'd be more people pretending to be upset about my death for personal attention than those who are authentically distraught!

I wanted to vomit. It was too reflective for me. It disgusted me. Here I was, almost a decade later, with a fat girl. Here I was, with EVERYTHING that I DON'T want in this fucking life. Here I was, with a girl who made me sick to my fucking stomach. Oh my God, she has hairy fucking arms! Oh my God, her arms are fucking bigger than mine! HOLY SHIT, she has fucking side burns.

Dude, I seriously want to throw up. This all started because I was fucking horny, and now look where I am. I'm desecrating a sacred spot. A spot where my 17 year old cavalier spirit sat and dreamed impossible, BEAUTIFUL dreams while getting lost in the crystal clear blue water. And now here I am, saying to myself:

"Hey asshole, I achieved NONE of those fucking dreams! I did fucking NOTHING with my life! I'm 26, with 23.5 college credits, and I'm spending my life tearing down my debt! And I'm going to be 27 in 5 months, and guess what? That's 3 years till you're 30 and a NOBODY!"

And where I used to be a ladykiller, I'm fucking pathetic with women. And now here I am, settling for my last resort, stuck with a girl that disgusts me. Am I fucking kidding? What the FUCK am I doing?

HOW THE FUCK DID I LET MYSELF GET HERE!?!?!?!?!

Oh Jesus Christ! Help me!


----


And I let the negativity pass me by. I let the past pass me by. And for the first time, I start to feel victorious. Dude, my life isn't over. I'm not a fucking nobody.

I'm almost finished with a cartoon that took me 6 months to complete! Who the fuck has ever done that BY themselves?

I have a celebrity guest appearance by All Time Low. They don't even know they're in this fucking cartoon. If nobody wants to sign me, THAT ALONE will garner a ton of attention.

I'm blown away, literally BLOWN AWAY, at how well I feel these characters are individualized. I can't stop laughing watching the shark talk in the third person. I can't stop laughing watching the way the Flamingo emotes, and the way he follows trends.

I'm 26. Some people don't truly succeed until 40. Dude, this life isn't over. This life is just fucking beginning. Are you kidding? I can conquer this world with this cartoon. I can build myself a fucking empire! It just took me longer than some people.

So sure, maybe some of the people I knew at 17 are already beginning their careers. And maybe some of them are way further ahead than me.

And the friends I don't have, dude, when this cartoon blows up, do I seriously believe that I'll still be "friendless"?

And all the girls I fail with, dude, when this cartoon blows up, do I seriously believe that I'll give a shit that Suzie Q. Nobody rejected me for a better looking guy?

It's fucking sacrifice. I've given up everything I have to make this shit work. I haven't hung out with friends in so long. The only time I've gone out is with a female, as I try to cope with these mommy issues and build a better me.

Dude, this fucking LIFE is MINE to grab! It's MINE to dictate!

I AM NOT GIVING UP ON THIS FUCKING DREAM!

This cartoon WILL succeed. I don't care if it takes 1 year, 2 years or fucking 10 years! I will use this cartoon to build my bedroom looking over the Pacific Ocean. And when I'm living that dream life, and partying with my new SoCal friends over those golden Pacific sunsets, and falling in love under those starry desert nights, all the bad memories that took me here will be a fucking blur.

The years of 18-21, DESPERATELY trying to get over Jenna, desperately trying to be famous, desperately failing, and working 80 hours a week for almost 3 years, as my hairline existed in it's fully youthful state for the final time. I lost all my friends because I worked. I sold out.

Then the years of 21-23, DESPERATELY waiting for my prison sentence in the military to end. Regretting that I let a girl persuade me to join the military and then watching the fucking cunt cheat on me while I was in bootcamp. Questioning my true desire to "die for this country" and KNOWING there was a bigger purpose for me, but unsure of what!

Then the years of 23-26, DESPERATELY wishing Sarah would break up with her boyfriend, and finally getting over her. Trying to build a band, and live my dream as a rockstar and having ABSOLUTELY no luck. Getting the worst possible band members, having NO ability to connect with any musicians. Having the WORLD promised to me, and then losing EVERYTHING I have, my band, my family, my car, my money! Dude, it was all gone.

But it's okay. It's all FUCKING good man! This shit is going to change for the better! Sometimes you have to get the living shit kicked out of you before you realize your purpose. Sometimes you have to be staring straight down the barrel of a 9 millimeter beretta pistol in a guard tower at 3am, wondering if it's possible to get to heaven through suicide. Sometimes you have to be driving a car under a night sky, praying to God that somehow he'll show you the way, and somehow things will work out.

Sometimes you have to have NO friends. Sometimes you have to have ABSOLUTELY NOBODY that gives a fucking shit about you. Sometimes you have to be the "second best" option for another fucking STUPID bitch that picks a better looking dude over you.

And it's okay. It's all okay. The storm is almost over. All of this pain will be worth it. These years of nothing. These pointless years.

----

When I was 17, I dreamed. When I was 26, I sat next to my 17 year old phantom and said to myself "Kid, someday you'll see your dreams change. And one day, you'll accomplish them. But I can't tell you when."

And my 17 year old phantom said to me "Dude, I gotta know one thing; is there anything in the next few years that you would tell me to change? With your wisdom of the future, and the events that unfold, what would you tell me?"

I stopped for a second. And as I saw the emotional pain I incurred upon myself, and the mistake I made joining the military, and the extreme loneliness and depression that these years buried me under, and the nothing I had become, I realized that the dream I'm chasing now, wouldn't exist without the torture.

And I revealed the one truth to my 17 year old phantom. With the power to save him from the pain, I told him "There's nothing I would tell you bro."

And I got off that ride, and let my 17 year old phantom remain on that Ferris Wheel, looking out to the blue horizon, dreaming his 17 year old dreams.

------

The next day I went back and said "Wait, there is one thing!"

He said "What?"

I said "Bro, when you're 26 don't go on this fucking trip to Cedar Point! You can do WAY better than the fucking girl you're with!"

THE END

Aquarius vs. Scorpio: Dude, DON'T!

I just had a pretty shitty vacation with a scorpio chick. Dude, it ended so badly, I had to pull the plug quickly.

I have a ton to write, but I'm mad tired, so I'm really just going to write what's on my mind.

Scorpio chicks. I've dealt with 3. I never made the connection until recently.

Let's go over these names: Ava, Gina and Siobhan. All 3 of them ended when I couldn't stand what they were bitching about and WHY they were bitching. The things they complained about gave me a fucking headache. They always wanted to somehow incorporate me as being responsible for the bullshit that they allowed to happen to themself. I mean for real, with all three of these girls, I couldn't fucking stand them!

So if you are an Aquarius, dude give me a story and help me confirm this shit! This has gotta be the worst possible combination! But of course, the only fucking girls I meet are either SCORPIO or FUCKING CANCERS! I gotta change this shit! I want to try dating someone I'm "compatible" with since I don't think I ever have, just to see if it's fucking true at all.

Atheists lack beauty

Nothing disgusts me more than a black and white world. The beliefs of atheists disgust me the most.

I believe all atheists are a group of people, who decided to piss off the world and choose to believe that we are nothing more than a mistake, and when this life is over, nothing comes of it.

I don't understand why these people live. Why not kill yourself? Why try to change the world, if in the end, this all means nothing? Why live to suffer, feel pain, watch others suffer, if nothing comes out of it?

Look at our bodies, and how they work. Look at life, look at the beauty of the universe. Look at the colors of this world. Look at the extent of the human mind. I can't honestly believe that in their hearts they believe there is no divine creator.

"But why is there so much pain in this world?" Because we bring it on ourselves? God gave us free will to choose our own paths.

God is the ultimate artist. Just imagine if he created us and our only choice was to subserviently obey Him? Is that what we want? Forced happiness? No freedom? Nobody wants that.

Because we are humans. We always whine and complain and bitch. Look at half the morons in this fucking country. Complaining and whining about bullshit, when there are people truly suffering all over the world.

I have a future episode of this cartoon that I plan to deal with atheists in a frightening way. Although I believe in Jesus, I don't believe I should be using a form of entertainment to directly preach to viewers, but I believe there can be a greater message in the end. However, at least those that believe in bullshit religions (like Scientology), at the very least, they have some sort of imagination or greater purpose. Idiot atheists have nothing. They're worth nothing. They take up oxygen and pollute this earth.

Honestly, if you truly believe there is NOTHING but coincidence in this world, through the big bang, evolution...etc. (both are scientific theories that have NO hard evidence) I just don't see their purpose in living. I really don't.

Maybe cause down inside I really believe that atheists are full of shit. Maybe they want attention, maybe they want to piss other people off, but the very idea, that they're 100% convinced that nothing else exists out in this universe, baffles me. It baffles me that ANYBODY could be that idiotic. Just walk outside if you need proof of God, or any higher power. Look at the fucking stars. Look at how perfectly positioned this earth is from the sun, far enough to where we don't burn, but close enough to where we don't freeze; perfectly placed. Look at the human mind, look at our fucking dreams. Look at this world. It's too fucking beautiful to be coincidence.

Honestly, I don't like judging other people, but when I find out other people are atheists, ALL of their opinions mean shit to me. Automatically, I believe they're the dumbest fucking people on this earth. Because while we can be mentally driven, and we can learn anything, there is always balance. I believe they lack color. They lack imagination. They lack beauty. You can memorize every book in this world, is that what makes you intelligent? Is that how you make up for having no soul? Hide behind your books, claim to be intelligent, but in the end, die and become nothing but fucking dust?

I believe that when this world is over, our souls can soar free and be at rest. I can't honestly believe that during my dreams when I have visions of heaven that they're "bullshit".

Scientists believe that if we had the ability to unlock the human brain to it's full potential, that things such as telekinesis and time travel could be possible. I really believe that if we had the ability to use our bodies in their full form, that so much more is possible. That's why those who don't believe in a God are fucking morons.

Because they're blind with their eyes, and they've shut out their souls. Have fun dying and being nothing. I'll have fun dying and soaring the heavens.

And in the end, let's just say for arguments sake (And let me make this clear, I do not even consider this possibility) that the atheists were right. Let's just say we died, and nothing happened. What are you going to do? Laugh in my face? Say "haha! I was right!"? No, you jackass. We'll be dust. We won't know any better, anymore! That's why I don't understand these fucking people. They argue with us that believe because we believe.

I always look back to my earliest memories to see if I can ever remember anything beyond that. To see if I can remember a life before birth. To see if maybe, we already were chilling in heaven, waiting to play this game called life. But I can't. I can only remember being almost 2 and running around my house.

There is too much beauty in this world for it to be a mistake.

Sometimes starting over is the way to go....or is it?

I'm pretty convinced that I need to clear the remainder of all cash owed and move out west.

I've been thinking about it heavily lately. I guess I'm starting to grow sick of talking about it and not doing something about it.

I feel that by being independent, I can finally clear my mind and make the right choices for me. College can always come later. The only people who decide that college is the most important thing is "everyone else" and not me. If we only live once, and we're only guaranteed 80ish years on this earth, I can only live by my own standards, and nobody else's.

I need to be where I'm happy. I can do it, and I will do it. I guess more than anything else, I'm just scared shitless of change. I hate change. I'm worried I'll move out there and make no friends. But when I look at the facts, it's just my natural anxiety. I can easily make friends. I can easily bond with people over the Chargers, the Padres. I can find people to do outdoorsy shit with. People stay healthier out west because there's more reasons to get outside than there are to stay inside.

I just have to stop worrying. And move towards this goal. That's all.

God works in crazy ways

So after I spoke with Antonia last, and berated her for being in a relationship with a man who dimmed her soul, killed her artistry and ruined all that made her "beautiful", she went back with the guy. I thought she was out of her fucking mind. How can anyone stay in a relationship with someone that dims their creativity?

Antonia's major pet peeve in all relationships has been "honesty" and "loyalty". While I never cheated on the girl, maybe my honesty was sometimes too much. (And as I read this zodiac shit, I am the classic Aquarius man, and she's the classic Cancer woman, and when you read the "romantic compatibility" between the two signs, you can see why we didn't work out - once again, I don't believe in this shit unless God created it, but it's interesting/fun)

So a week after she sent me the text saying "I'm back with my boyfriend. goodbye", she texted me asking "When was the last time we were in a relationship?"

I responded "About a year and half ago ( early June 2009)"

Her response shocked me. She said "I just got a blood test and it came up positive for HSV 1 and 2".

Now before I get accused of airing dirty laundry on an online blog, the end result was that it was a lab mix up. She wound up getting re-tested twice, and both times coming up negative. But at this point, I didn't know this.

I actually got worried for a second, but slowly started to question her finger being pointed at me. First off, we hadn't touched in over a year and a half. Second, I had a test done for STDs in July 2009 and all things were negative. I understand sometimes Herpes takes 6 months to generate, so when she said her current boyfriend didn't have HSV, and I was the only other person she was sexually active with, it scared me for a second.

But the more I grilled her, she soon realized: She had been tested with her boyfriend in January 2010, and neither one of them had anything. That would have been 7 months since me and her had any sexual or oral contact. So that would disqualify me.

So I gave her the only other conclusion. She had no other sexual relations. I said "uh, dude. Your man is cheating on you. Unless there is a lab mix up, your man is cheating on you. I would grill the shit out of him if I were you."

I also tried cheering the girl up. She was convinced her life was over. Even though anyone who's got Herpes 1 and 2, it probably sucks, I had to convince her shit would be fine. It's not the end of life, really. I couldn't think of many benefits of having it, in fact, I could think of none, so i focused more on convincing her that this was all a big mistake.

Over the next few days, while she awaited the results of the re-test, she grilled her ex. He automatically started crying, and then said "Shit! I need to get tested!" It seemed an extremely odd response for somebody that was supposedly "faithful". If I had a girlfriend for over a year, and she said "I have herpes", I would accuse her of cheating on me. Wouldn't that make sense? There would be no other possible way.

He tried maintaining that she touched a toilet seat or furniture, but I reminded her that the virus doesn't live forever on furniture it makes contact with, and that excuse didn't work for him.

After that, he didn't talk to her for 2 days. Eventually she called his dad, and he wound up finding the truth: her boyfriend had cheated on her, having unprotected sex with a one-night stand.

So she finally found out the truth, and had an undeniable reason to permanently end a relationship with this scumbag: he was a liar and a cheater.

THEN, the results came up negative. So not only did she have no STDs (it was a lab mix-up), but she found out the truth from her lying boyfriend: he was a cheater.

This girl had lost faith in God, and it was awesome to see it restored. How often do these mixups happen? And how often do they reveal some hidden revelation? And how often do they happen in a relationship where a girl needs a reason to stay out?

Of course, he was pissed. He threatened to sue her for "witholding information" and I told her "Uh remember he had unprotected sex and put you at risk for STDs, so I don't know what the hell he's talking about".

In the end, it's awesome to see God work in crazy ways. This is the story of God directly speaking to this girl telling her to stay the hell away from this man. You don't get many second chances like this.

As for me and her, I have concluded that we are only effective as friends. I care about the girl, as evidenced by the time I spent on the phone trying to keep her chin up over the scenario (and honestly, anyone I've ever cared about, I always try cheering up when shit's going wrong). I guess she expected me to say "ewww herpes!" and run away. But I wouldn't do that even if the tests were positive.

I also got tested the next day and thank God, all results came up negative. Even though I had no reason to suspect having an STD, I figured safer than sorry.

But I guess there are signs sometimes that God sends us, that we can either ignore, or listen to/and follow. For now, she made the smart choice and chose to follow these signs. Hopefully she won't go back to this guy. Just for her own soul. Just for the souls of others. She's an artist, and she let that fire dim to become what this man wanted her to be.

As for us, I think I can finally add permanent closure to any chance of a "relationship". As I said earlier, I'm too strong of an Aquarius, and she's too strong of a Cancer. And if all that zodiac stuff is bullshit, then she needs a dude that's overly attentive and affectionate, and I just can't do that. That shit makes me sick.

In conclusion, it must suck to be the other end of that "lab result". Just imagine being told "You don't have herpes!" and then finding out your lab result was mixed up and in reality you have both HSV 1 and 2! THAT MUST SUCK!!!!

Sick

Random hook ups : /

Less than a week left

Humility

Through out it all, I hope I remain humble.

This cartoon is about to hit it's "make or break" point, and as I approach it, I gotta say, I don't think I've ever felt more confident about anything else in my life. The situation behind closed doors is almost "too perfect" to go wrong. God willing, nothing can go wrong.

As I got home from my meeting with my management team, I went on Facebook. I saw a few people posting things, people that without Facebook, I may not be reminded of on an everyday basis. A few were exes, some were from highschool, and the rest were the random girls who decided there was somebody or something better out there than me. While I hope to always stay humble, whether or not things work out, I guess down inside, part of me hopes things blows up just to figuratively "stick my middle finger" up at them. Because then I can lay all memories and pain to rest, right? If my life is too good to give a shit about anyone else, will it make me feel better?

Who knows? I really don't. And I really don't know how many people will pretend they were my "friend all along" if shit ever works out. I'm sure there will be a few.

And I know it's not healthy to wish vengeance. But in a way, while nobody else saw what I had down inside of me, I always believed in it. I guess that's really where the anger comes in. Too many times I was left for the dude who is "more mysterious", or "better looking" or "better at the game". Too many times I was just "not what a girl was looking for". Pshhh, but every girl is looking for money, so I'll be exactly what they were looking for NOW!

Okay this part of me just comes from what I said the other day: I wish I didn't have to play games to find a girl. I hate bullshit games. Really. I wish it could just be passion speaking and that's fucking all.

Down inside, I just want to remain a dick in the ways I already am: I believe I'm the best catch any woman will ever find in this world, hence my lack of jealousy. I don't pursue women, they pursue me. That's about it. I don't ever want to treat people like shit if I make more money than them. Even those who have burned me in the past, I never want to hurt them, or wish anything negative upon them.

Of course, none of this can happen, but like I said, I just have so much faith that it will, it doesn't phase me.

As my manager said "Freddy, I hope 6 months from now I'm calling you and you're in L.A. heading to your office and we can set up a meeting when we fly out there." I hope so too. I got nothing but faith. But I just hope it's San Diego not Los Angeles, cause fuck that city!

This just can't go wrong. It can't. Unless by the will of God, nothing can go wrong.

Through out this process, I just thank God for all the good news and pray I remain humble. I don't pray for this to work out, just to "work out" in the way God wants it to. It's weird, when things go good in my life, it makes me closer to God. When things go bad, I pray, but I don't know...

So could it be a year from now I'm staring out into the ocean from my own balcony? Perhaps. Perhaps not. Will I at least be on that road? Of course!

I just need to release all negative energy inside of me so I can finish this cartoon. I know, it eats me up inside, and I don't even know what I'm looking for. I guess until the point where things finally change for me, I want somebody else in this world to just say to me "Fred, I honestly believed you could do this all along". My parents believe in me, and really, what else do you need? But I wish I could here somebody, anybody else say that!

Well, I do have my managers too! Haha. I guess I mean it more in the "peer" and "friend" sense. I don't think anyone believed I could ever do shit, let alone do anything with a fucking cartoon. Even with the music, sometimes people thought it was "just like everything else". Like my producer, who enjoyed the music, but eventually said it was "too punk" along with his manager who said she needed "more pop". Managers, listening to my demo saying "It's nothing I haven't heard a million times before". Fuck them. Seriously. People don't know JACK SHIT about "what's going to be big". Fucking idiots. You really think you're going to "break a band" that dresses typical? NOTHING gets HUGE by being typical you fucking idiots.

So I want people to pay for not believing in me. I want people to pay for not treating me like they had faith in me all along. I want Jenna to feel like a jackass when she decided that she was too fucking good for me when she went to college. I want Sarah to feel like a fucking idiot for picking her stupid ass rapper boyfriend over me. I want Krystal to feel like a fucking idiot for wasting two years of my life trying to turn me into the man she wanted me to be, and then fucking cheating on me in the end. I want Antonia to feel like a fucking idiot for choosing some 40 year old douche bag over me. I want Mike, my old bassist, to feel like a fucking asshole for turning my band against me, and turning Summers Last Wave from a promising band to NOTHING. I want Tim, my old drummer, to feel like a fucking asshole for picking Mike over me. I want Chris to feel like a fucking idiot for not giving a shit enough to take this band seriously. I want Andrew to feel like a fucking idiot for deciding to stop working with me and do his own thing.

Let's keep going, I need to get this all out right? I want Day Labor Union to regret "kicking me out" of their band in 2003 because I was "too young". I want the dude Chase in Florida to regret kicking me out of his band because I didn't follow every fucking trend. I want the people in the military who totally ruined the experience for me to regret it. I want the girls who broke my heart in highschool to suddenly remember my name and regret it.

And the funny thing about everything I just wrote...the funniest part of all....is that without EVERY person I just mentioned, or if just ONE of these people had accepted me the way I am, then I would NOT be where I am now. If I didn't hope they regretted it, I would never have done anything with a cartoon.

If I never moved to New York, I never would have created a band and written summery songs. If Jenna didn't leave me, I wouldn't have written some of the best songs of my life. If I didn't date Krystal, I wouldn't have joined the military. If I didn't join the military, I never would have done cartoons. If my band didn't abandon me, I wouldn't have made a cartoon to spite them.

So in the end, I just need to say FUCK THEM ALL, they've helped me become who I am, and thank God for the ability and the fact that he's brought me exactly to where I am, and it was all for a reason. Throughout all the pain, and all the depression, and all the moments where I was only hanging onto God to prevent me from committing suicide, and all the broken hearts, and all the pain and insanity and moments saying "GOD WHY ARE YOU PUTTING ME THROUGH THIS!?!" that it all makes sense now.

And like I said, I'm at the point where I'm about to find out what's going to happen. So if it doesn't work out, it's fine! There are still many roads to take. There's still college. One setback doesn't mean it's over. But all of this is just a reflection of how in the end, faith in God conquers all, and man, God always helps you out in the end. Sometimes we just don't fucking understand how or why, but given that we are humans, we never will understand. All pain, all goodness, all everything comes from God. If in our tiny human minds we question "WHY GOD!?!", well, that would be normal. But blaming God for it is fucking stupid, because like I said, it's all for a reason, and sometimes we can't see it.

As I was sitting at home, talking to my parents about it, I thought about what I would do if I ever made it big. I would do everything I can to help my brother, my sister and my sister's boyfriend out. I would do everything I can to give my mom and dad the best retirement they could have, considering they fucking gave up everything to raise us. If I ever become really rich, maybe I'll do more to help people out, but not by giving it to greedy fucking charities. Like if some poor kid wants to go to college and can't afford it, I'll pay off his tuition myself. No third party will ever touch my money, cause they are greedy pieces of shit.

I don't want to be lavish, I want to stay humble. I want peace and solitude. I want to be able to throw a crazy party every weekend with 100 people I've never seen before and I'll never see again. I want to find somebody special. I don't want trophy wives, I want somebody to balance me where I am weak. I want to grow closer to God. I want, although my cartoon says some terrible words, to be able to bring God's message to people without being "preachy" or "disrespectful" about it.

I mean dude, all things are possible. All fucking things are possible through God.

I know I'm cursing and saying God's name in the same sentence. I don't know if that's considered a sin, but I think God knows I'm using this word as a word of passion, and not anger.

Blah blah blah...I needed to get out all these raw emotions. I wonder if anyone will ever read this. I wonder if I'll ever actually be significant. I wonder if one day, years from now, somebody will read this saying "This was Freddy Z when he was still a nobody". Will they know I'm 26 living in my parents basement? Will they know I just spent ("wasted") the last 2 years of my life spending $18,000 on recording music that hasn't gone anywhere yet? Will they know that I've spent the last 6 months animating with social time spread out here and there?

I just like to dream of all the possibilities. Once again, anything can happen in this life through God.

Truth and Consequences

So Shannon called me tonight to tell me she didn't see any romantic connection. She felt that I was the perfect guy "on paper", but that she didn't see the romantic spark.

As we divulged her feelings on the topic, she came clean with all the truth: Her and her ex bf have only been broken up for a month and a half. It all made sense now. She wasn't over him yet, and there was no reason to expect her to be.

But I'm glad she made this call, because apparently when I made the call, she chose not to listen. I texted her telling her we should be movies BFFs 4 days ago, and she was the one who kissed me. But after she said it, we both opened up, and we saw the truth: dude, we have an awesome fucking friendship brewing.

We talked for fucking 5 hours after establishing this. I'm trying my best to keep positive women in my life whether they're my friends or lovers, and this is an awesome challenge: to be able to be "just friends" with a girl. The first night I hung out with her, I decided that. I was so passionate about wanting to be just friends with her, that I typed almost a damn story explaining it to her. And tonight, it proved that it made so much sense.

I guess it's best to go with the initial feelings. It's another thing I have to learn: trust instinct, stop fighting it. I knew she was "friend" material but I fought it just to prove I could get a beautiful girl that wasn't a crackhead. And here I am now, at 3am, happy as fuck that I just had an awesome conversation with a new "friend".

Geez...

I haven't written so much since highschool. I guess because in highschool I felt this way every single day, but now that I'm an adult I rarely feel it.

Maybe the answer is in my dream. I had a slamming hot blonde escort in a hotel room. Monogomy isn't the answer is it?

Fucking STUPID ass Antonia went back with her ex. Dude, why do I give a fuck? I don't know, because she's committing suicide. She's admitted she lost all inspiration inside of her, she's no longer artistic, and she's fucking fine with it! ANd she knows it's because of him!

Fuck this dude. It's watching a friend kill herself.

Dude, I don't know why I get torn up about women, I really don't. There are few things that make me actually give a fuck, and they're all just happening NOW coincidentally. Once I make money with this fucking cartoon, women will be banging on the door, them money hungry fucking fools, Jesus, it's all I'll have. I can't get quality, I can't keep quality, my overly-analytical mind won't let me fucking rest.

Dude fuck this. Really. Fuck this shit.

Death

Today, my dog died.

His name was Tony. He was about 12 years old. In all truth, he annoyed the hell out of me. He always whined and howled when we put him in his cage, because he always pissed all over the house. I always had to clean up vomit, or pee, or something. He left huge chunks of snot everywhere he walked.

I'm not saddened by his death. I have such an odd look at death, but one of the first things is that I don't look at dogs or any animals as equal to people. He's a dog. That doesn't mean "he deserves to die painfully", I mean he died peacefully in our backyard. It's the poetry behind his death that makes it sad, and scary as hell.

Here is a dog who's been blind for nearly a year. He can't see anything. For the last few days, he's looked like he was ready to fall over and die. He spent all day in a corner bobbing his head up and down, trying to stay standing erect, while his body constantly gave out under him and knocked him to the floor. But he kept fighting. He kept fighting to stay alive, until his last breath, where his heart stopped working, and his brain stopped functioning, and his body went limp, and he fell on the grass, dead.

But what was he fighting for? His body was so weak. He fought to stay alive for a few more hours of lingering pain? And even if he could recover from that pain, he fought to stay alive in a world where he couldn't see. His vision was gone, his hearing was going, and to me, that sounds like a pointless life. But what was he fighting for? Why didn't he just lay there and wait to die? The dog kept standing back up, even though he was "sitting", and refused to just lay on the floor being dead.

I guess it's instinct. Every animal has survival instinct, and they fight the inevitable until they can no longer fight it.

But death to me doesn't represent pain. It represents rest. It represents freedom. It means escape from this ugly world, a world where the only thing any body gives a shit about is what's best for them. That's what it all comes down to: greed. We fight to stay alive in a world where the people with power fuck us over in order to keep their power. We fight to stay alive in a world where our memories past the age of 23 tend to be working and paying bills. We fight to stay alive in a world where our best days are behind us all. We wake up every morning, fighting to stay alive, even though we'll never look as beautiful as we did at 18, and even though we've gained weight that seems impossible to lose, and we've lost hair that's never coming back, and we've gained wrinkles, and spots showing our age that will only get worse. We fight every day to stay alive in a world that is guaranteed to end in heartbreak, yet we still keep fighting.

In a way, I embrace death, because when I'm gone, I'll be into the arms of Jesus, chilling in heaven, finally escaping from this ugly world. And those who believe in nothing, what a fucking shame. The idea of rejecting all forms of theological promises post-death just to be a "realist" baffles me. Those who choose to believe we have no maker, because they're "atheists" and they think they're smarter than everyone, are unimaginative, black and white soulless dreamers. I've never met an atheist who didn't think he/she was the smartest person he/she knew.

And honestly, with all the religions in the world, there can only be 1 truth, right? Or maybe God will forgive the men and women who fell victim to the distortions of his word by human beings. People try pointing the finger at God or Jesus, for all the pain in the world. God didn't do anything wrong. He told human beings that they had the right to live by free will, and yet we get angry at him for that right? Are you kidding?

I love God, I love Jesus, and I believe whatever God says is true. However, I don't know if it was GOD or if it was man who added that "all non believers will be in hell eternally". I like to believe that God will give those who were misguided a chance, but I'm not God, and I don't understand this world like he does, so this is just me talking out of my ass. But the atheists who chose to believe in nothing, shit, they deserve to turn to dust when their lives end. If this is ALL we have, it would be like a plot to a bad movie. Their idea of evolution, and the big bang theory makes WAY less sense than a "man in the sky that we can't see creating it". There are so many holes in the theory, that thru billions and billions of dollars in research, they still haven't been able to prove shit.

It seems funny to me...any time you spend billions of dollars on ANYTHING, it shouldn't be THAT fucking hard to prove it exists right? Unless it's all bullshit!

Like Global Warming, the same fuck heads who said we were having an ICE AGE in the 70's are now scared of global warming, and people are eating this up. I guess when people have NOTHING to validate their existence, they create problems in order to feel adequate.

In the end, all this will be gone. In the end, I will be dust. Will my cartoons live on? Will these words live on? Will anyone ever read these words wondering what kind of man I was?

Honestly, it doesn't matter to me. I'm over that. I don't care if people remember my name generations from now or not. I don't care if I'm significant or not. I just want to make enough money where I can live comfortably in a mansion on the California coastline. And it's not because I'm a greedy prick. If a large house on the California coastline cost ten dollars, I'd be happy with that. Unfortunately, it costs a bit more than that!

So God, I'm here waiting for you whenever it's my time, and I'll do my best not to fight it!

-----


Afterwards, I went to Shannon's house where I hung out with her entire family. I got the vibe that she wanted me to finally meet her parents. It's funny, she said last night her "ex" called her, and they talked, and she was upset. I guess hooking up with another girl wasn't such a bad idea. Like I said, it would be a lot easier if we could just be fucking honest with each other.

I don't know how to read her. She didn't kiss me on the lips when I left, probably cause her entire family was there, but she did say she'd call me tomorrow, this time with more enthusiasm than she had in the past.

I don't remember how to take things slow, but I'm trying. The more I get to know her, the more I learn, and the more good I see in her. I could feel how much love was in that family as I shared their "drunken" summer night experience. I could see a father that loves his daughters and his wife SO incredibly much, he'd do anything for them. I saw a mom who also loved her kids more than anything. And the funny thing, I'm a lot like her dad. Maybe that explains why she is attracted to me. They say we learn about attraction towards the opposite sex from our parents.

She brought up the Zodiac thing tonight saying "you're an Aquarius you're scared of commitment!" and three times she said something which made it sound that I was the "new boy". I don't know how to take it. The truth is, when a girl keeps leading me on, and keeps this "invisible" leash wrapped around my neck, I keep following. I've learned a lot though, and as a 26 year old man, I'm able to resist my natural urges to feel deep emotions so soon.

I feel like there's more I should be typing, but I don't have the words. I have so many emotions on my chest right now, I don't know how to get them out. I guess, in the end, thank you God, thank you Jesus for what you've given me. Please forgive my sins, I'm sorry for being a piece of crap sometimes. In your name I pray, Amen.

I hate asking for things when I pray. I feel like it makes me weak. I always thank God for the good things that happen to me. If I forget, I mentally "kick myself in the butt" for forgetting. People tell me to ask God for things I want, but I don't like doing that. I like doing things on my own. ANd I don't mean that in the sense like "GOD I DON'T NEED YOU!" I mean it in the sense that too many people in this world WANT WANT WANT. Anything I want, I want to earn on my own. I don't envy what other people have, I want to earn it myself. And if I don't, in the end, I'll be able to tell my children to work their ass off chasing their dreams, whatever it may be. And I'll always support those dreams!

If I didn't have a blog to release these stupid emotions, I'd be fucked...haha....

Why can't a world exist where men don't have to play games?

Oh women. Women, women, women, women. You say you hate men that play games. Lies. Lies, lies, LIES!

I rewind back to when I was still in my "nice guy" stages of life. Every once in awhile, that attitude creeps up on me and I fuck up a good relationship. Anytime I force myself to be "nice" in lieu of being "myself", it's out the window.

Perfect example. Last week, I was convinced I completely blew the "courtship" process with Shannon. Good girl, the type you take home to your parents, but I fucked up. I texted her the next day and said "lets be movie best friends" since we live right down the street from each other. She agreed saying "I definitely got more of that vibe". Here's the thing, I'm NOT friend material for any woman. I'm too dynamic to be, and that night, I wasn't me. I knew if she ever saw the "real me", she'd want to be more than "friends" in some way or another.

So last night I hung out with Antonia for the first time in awhile. A part of me will always "love" her in a way that I want the best for her. She naturally evokes passion from my soul, and when I'm around her, no matter what I talk about, I'm too passionate. But she loved that. Whether I was talking about art, or even just picking up garbage, I said every word with so much magic behind it. She just got out of a relationship with what she described as a "cardboard box". She said there were countless times that when she was with him she said to herself "I wish he had Fred's passion", and that last night when we spoke, it was the first time in ages that she had an intellectually stimulating conversation.

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. But when I see her, I just want to steal her away. But then, the money thing came up again. She kept talking about how I only took her out to dinner TWICE when we were together. In her eyes, "taking her out to dinner" meant taking her to a place that cost fucking $200+! Every single time we went out, I paid. But I had to break up with her because her demands didn't match my lifestyle.

As we talked, I became pissed. Pissed that she still had this in her, a year and a half later, knowing that it was the one thing that would prevent me from ever marrying her. Cause, damn, she's so beautiful, and her body, her curves just turn me on so much, and she's artistic, when somebody is inspiring her (she gave up that lifestyle because of her last boyfriend, and I told her she was no longer beautiful because of that.)

Part of me refused to believe her when she said she didn't want to kiss me. I always push people to kiss me, but not in ways that make them uncomfortable. I've never had a girl feel uncomfortable around me. I just didn't honestly believe she didn't want to kiss me. And I miss kissing her, she has big lips, and they're soft, and she kisses with passion, and I just wanted to feel her lips because she believed that she lost all passion for art, for life, but I knew that she would feel passion for the first time in years if our lips met. But she adamantly refused, albeit in a jocular way.

As I drove home, I was disgusted at myself. Disgusted that I tried taking another shot with her. The truth is, I'm about control. I always just want to prove to people that I'm smarter than them. I've left and come back to Antonia so many times, that I've already proved my point, and I felt it was childish for me to see her again. She's such a major catalyst of INSANE passion inside of me, but that "gold digger" side of her extinguishes every ounce of passion I have for her faster than a speeding train.

So where am I going with this? Oh, just watch...

On my way home, Shannon texted me. She asked if I wanted to meet at a bar by my house for drinks. Sure, I said, why not? And I knew, since Antonia's presence had ignited passion in me, that THIS night, Shannon would fall "in like" with me.

Why is that? Why is that true? Why is it that I know that? I mean, ask most women, and they'll agree: it's always interesting when there's a chase. I knew, that by the end of the night, me and Shannon would be making out, and it had nothing to do with me or her: it had to do with the fact that I concentrated all my passion on another woman, and that Shannon wanted me to concentrate that on her.

Now, don't get me wrong. Shannon is amazing. She's a beautiful girl, intelligent as hell, and the "she can't get over her ex" is bullshit. When we talked, in her mind, he wasn't worth getting over in exchange for me, and in all fairness, I wasn't myself, so I don't blame her.

So I went to the bar, and we made a toast to "making idiot exes regret leaving us" and I went into a passionate tirade about how fucking stupid Antonia was for letting somebody steal the true beauty from her soul, and that she was okay with it. The more I talked about Antonia, the more I could see Shannon was getting more comfortable around me. She invited me back to her house, and it was about 1am.

While we were at her house, she kept giving me beer saying she wanted me to get drunk. She seemed to believe that I was adamant about her being in the "friend zone", because I could see in her eyes, she wanted to kiss me. She mentioned a few times that only her ex BF and her "best guy friend" whom she had known for 16 years were the only other guys that she ever invited to her basement at this time in the morning, and she's only know me for 2 weeks. Ha, what can I say? I know how to make girls feel comfortable! That's not a trick though, that's just me being me: I don't judge people. (Funny thing: I started reading Zodiac signs, I always thought they were so full of shit until I read it, and holy fuck, the description for an "Aquarius" describes me almost to the T! So when I talk to multiple girls at once, it's not because I'm a slut, it's because I lose stimulation fast, unless 1 girl can constantly stimulate me with her intellect. I guess that's why intelligence is one of my biggest turn ons in a woman!)

Okay anyway, we talked for hours as usual. I did one "pick up artist" move (which, by the way, I told her "this is a pick up artist move, tell me if it works!") where you do a trust test. You basically spin a girl around, and then hold her in your arms. And you say to her "relax....just imagine, we're watching tv together..." and you build a whole comfort scene, where the two of you are snuggling, and enjoying being close with somebody else. In the end, you push her away and say "Show's over!" Basically, if a girl is feeling you, and is comfortable around you, she will want that feeling of "closeness" with you again.

Even though I TOLD her it was from a PICK UP ARTIST book, it still worked. That doesn't mean she's stupid, it just proves that men and women think on different wave lengths. Men are thought driven while women are emotionally driven. If being close to me felt good, it didn't matter to her where the fuck I got the idea from, as long as she could experience that feeling again!

She went upstairs for 2 minutes, came down, and then laid down next to me on the floor (I was sitting up). I knew she wanted me to make the move, so I did it in the easiest way possible: I said "I'm going to give you a mohawk!" I know girls LOVE getting their hair played with (except 1 that I dated, and it was weird....lol) So once I started touching her hair, I asked her "Do you like it when guys play with your hair?" She said "Yes."

In girl language, that means "keep going". If she didn't like it, she'd say something like "not really" or "it's okay, I guess". As I caressed her hair, I could see her closing her eyes as if she was "at home". She looked beautiful. I started caressing her neck, and her arms, and then I said "I'd kiss your forehead, but it might be hard for me to bend over" and she said "do it anyway".

Of course, that means "DO IT DAMMIT!" I was thinking of kissing her on her lips and saying "whoops I missed", but I just kissed her forehead. See, when I kiss, whether it's making out, or just kissing cheeks or foreheads, I always protrude my lips firmly but softly, to the point where it feels like my lips are larger than what they actually are. I hate it when people kiss without protruding their lips, it's the least passionate kiss you can feel EVER!

After I kissed her forehead, she got up and said "you know what..." She turned around, put her arms around my head, and pulled her face close to mine, and we started kissing. And I gotta say, dude, it was a beautiful moment. She sat in my lap, and there we were, kissing on the basement floor at 4am. She wouldn't stop kissing me either. I mean, I know, I'm a good kisser, and to be honest, it works against me. I like kissing, but at the same time, dude, I hate PDA and I hate it when all somebody wants to do is kiss. It's too much "smothering", but it felt right. There was really only one time in my life that I ever kissed someone, for almost 4 hours straight, and I couldn't get enough, and that was Sarah, but with Shannon, it was close. I didn't feel smothered, and it felt good.

Afterwards I had to leave. She invited me to come eat Sushi for lunch, but I knew that was just the alcohol talking. She was drunk, I was a little drunk, and I've been in this situation before with the Limoncello and all, so I'm smart enough not to read "too much" into it.

But here's the ultimate crux. 9 times out of 10, I can't text the girl the next day, until she texts me first. Shannon may be the exception, because she is SO insecure, that her insecurity adds an extra contingency. Basically, I don't want to ask her to hang out the next day, because it may seem like I'm "developing feelings" that make her feel uncomfortable. At the same time, if I don't ask her out, she may feel that she "kissed badly" or I "thought she was ugly".

In the end, this is bullshit. Really, why did it have to take me bitching about an ex for her to want me? Is that the key?

YES! YES! YES! YES! is the answer, for BOTH sexes, cause it works on me too! Whenever I'm with a girl, and she talks about a "long lost" love, I WANT HER MORE! It worked the same way!

She texted me in the morning saying she definitely wants to go to Six flags soon! But the sushi thing didn't happen. She didn't text me after she got out of work. I wonder if what happened last night scared her.

So what did I do? The only thing I could do to make sure I didn't fall in love: hook up with somebody else.

I know, shoot me. I don't know why I did it, it felt so unfulfilling. I wish I could tell Shannon the good things, I wish I could convince her that we could make a relationship work, but unfortunately, the only way a girl like her is going to keep being interested in me, is if I pull the cat string.

I went to bar tonight with this girl Kat, who just broke up with her boyfriend. This girl was "super clingy", I mean from the second I walked in, she was all over me. It was funny, she's a very very sexy girl, and a hundred dudes all dressed up and primped properly were trying to get with her, and then I walk in, in a dirty unironed shirt, and dirty shorts, and she still wouldn't stop kissing me for more than 5 seconds.

It makes me sad though. Why can't life be easy? Why does it have to be this way? Why can't two adults just "show their cards" and act like adults about it? It's mainly because attraction isn't built on "what's best for you", it's instead built on "what challenges you". It's like when the whole world says "you can't be an actor!" and you do it anyway.

And while I was there, fucking Giselle calls me at 3am, and asks me if I wanted to chill, before changing her mind.

It's been a stupid week with girls. And honestly, it's not cute, it's not fun anymore. I'm angry about it. I should feel like the FUCKING man, right? No, I'm not, because my emotions are just a big pile of shit. I was making out with a girl who was passionately kissing me, and I wasn't turned on, and I kept pushing her away (that made her want it more, but I was serious lol).
But when I go home, I get the pleasure of feeling EMPTY AS FUCK. It meant nothing, and I haven't heard from the girl I care about.

So I don't know what my conclusion here is. I really don't. Maybe women are a commodity for men, just as much as men should be commodity for women. Maybe we are really just accessories to each other. Does anyone exist that will really stimulate me the way I need?

Also, with my new found "fun-ness" with these Zodiac signs, I actually want to try dating people who are "compatible" with my sign, just to fucking see if it's true. According to the Zodiac, both Shannon and Antonia are the LEAST compatible with me (both of them are Cancers). Other interesting things: according to the Zodiac, SARAH was least compatible with me, as she was a Taurus, and so was the ex I hatedly refer to as "Kankles".

I've dated 2 people who were a Libra or a Sagitarius, which are highly compatible, and those relationships ended, but they ended on very good terms. I saw a Gemini once, but that ended because I was a retard. Maybe that's why I need to give a shot? Eh?

I sound like an old fat woman talking about this Zodiac shit! LOL

focusfocusfocusfocusfocus

Doing things against your neurological tendencies is TORTURE! I can't sit still! It's actually hurting my brain dammit!

Recidivism: Honestly, I'm scared

Down inside, it's what it all comes down to.

I hung out with a girl named Shannon tonight, and holy shit. She is beautiful. I mean, she's what the world calls "gorgeous": 5'8, blonde hair, blue eyes, I should be in love, right?

No. Honestly, her looks have nothing to do with it. But she's got the same story as every girl for whom I always develop the emotions that kill me inside, and let destroy me. She's the "damsel in distress". She can't get over her ex, but she wants to. And like a fucking idiot, I forced her to talk about him the entire time we hung out.

Mainly, I wanted her to focus on the entire thing so I could expose the negative, but she wound up getting really upset. I don't know where I was going with it, but it was stupid. It was just a dumb way to fuck up something potentially positive.

So at this point, I can only dwell on how I fucked it up in order to improve in the future. I can't catch a case of one-itis, because if there is one girl like her, there can always be another. But in the end, the inspiration inside of me always stirs up when there is a girl with a "sad story" behind her.

The main problem is that I'm not sure if by cutting it off now, I'm doing it because it's what's best for me, or because I'm scared to feel emotions for another, ya know? I'm scared to get burned, cause that is sooo highschool! But should I shun any emotions?

We talked about making out, but we didn't kiss. I didn't initiate it, I actually told her I'm putting her in "friend" zone cause it pissed her off. But it was my own damn fault. She asked me "Are you going to get lost next time you come to my house?" haha.

In the end, I shouldn't be involved because I have too much on my plate, and that's true. I guess it's just that little devil on my shoulder telling me "go for it!" just to prove I can have her, ya know? Hmmm, what to do....

REALLy in the end, for every "special" person you meet, they can always be replaced if you ALLOW yourself to move on. If you dwell and dwell and DWELL, you'll always be stuck in that rut. And as I type this I just realize more and more that I'm devoted to my animation and I want to get shit done. Having a girl like her will only incur problems.

Finish Line

I'm so close to finishing this up. It's hard to stay focused. It's just dialogue and a "live show" that I need to complete. Yikes!