Humility

Through out it all, I hope I remain humble.

This cartoon is about to hit it's "make or break" point, and as I approach it, I gotta say, I don't think I've ever felt more confident about anything else in my life. The situation behind closed doors is almost "too perfect" to go wrong. God willing, nothing can go wrong.

As I got home from my meeting with my management team, I went on Facebook. I saw a few people posting things, people that without Facebook, I may not be reminded of on an everyday basis. A few were exes, some were from highschool, and the rest were the random girls who decided there was somebody or something better out there than me. While I hope to always stay humble, whether or not things work out, I guess down inside, part of me hopes things blows up just to figuratively "stick my middle finger" up at them. Because then I can lay all memories and pain to rest, right? If my life is too good to give a shit about anyone else, will it make me feel better?

Who knows? I really don't. And I really don't know how many people will pretend they were my "friend all along" if shit ever works out. I'm sure there will be a few.

And I know it's not healthy to wish vengeance. But in a way, while nobody else saw what I had down inside of me, I always believed in it. I guess that's really where the anger comes in. Too many times I was left for the dude who is "more mysterious", or "better looking" or "better at the game". Too many times I was just "not what a girl was looking for". Pshhh, but every girl is looking for money, so I'll be exactly what they were looking for NOW!

Okay this part of me just comes from what I said the other day: I wish I didn't have to play games to find a girl. I hate bullshit games. Really. I wish it could just be passion speaking and that's fucking all.

Down inside, I just want to remain a dick in the ways I already am: I believe I'm the best catch any woman will ever find in this world, hence my lack of jealousy. I don't pursue women, they pursue me. That's about it. I don't ever want to treat people like shit if I make more money than them. Even those who have burned me in the past, I never want to hurt them, or wish anything negative upon them.

Of course, none of this can happen, but like I said, I just have so much faith that it will, it doesn't phase me.

As my manager said "Freddy, I hope 6 months from now I'm calling you and you're in L.A. heading to your office and we can set up a meeting when we fly out there." I hope so too. I got nothing but faith. But I just hope it's San Diego not Los Angeles, cause fuck that city!

This just can't go wrong. It can't. Unless by the will of God, nothing can go wrong.

Through out this process, I just thank God for all the good news and pray I remain humble. I don't pray for this to work out, just to "work out" in the way God wants it to. It's weird, when things go good in my life, it makes me closer to God. When things go bad, I pray, but I don't know...

So could it be a year from now I'm staring out into the ocean from my own balcony? Perhaps. Perhaps not. Will I at least be on that road? Of course!

I just need to release all negative energy inside of me so I can finish this cartoon. I know, it eats me up inside, and I don't even know what I'm looking for. I guess until the point where things finally change for me, I want somebody else in this world to just say to me "Fred, I honestly believed you could do this all along". My parents believe in me, and really, what else do you need? But I wish I could here somebody, anybody else say that!

Well, I do have my managers too! Haha. I guess I mean it more in the "peer" and "friend" sense. I don't think anyone believed I could ever do shit, let alone do anything with a fucking cartoon. Even with the music, sometimes people thought it was "just like everything else". Like my producer, who enjoyed the music, but eventually said it was "too punk" along with his manager who said she needed "more pop". Managers, listening to my demo saying "It's nothing I haven't heard a million times before". Fuck them. Seriously. People don't know JACK SHIT about "what's going to be big". Fucking idiots. You really think you're going to "break a band" that dresses typical? NOTHING gets HUGE by being typical you fucking idiots.

So I want people to pay for not believing in me. I want people to pay for not treating me like they had faith in me all along. I want Jenna to feel like a jackass when she decided that she was too fucking good for me when she went to college. I want Sarah to feel like a fucking idiot for picking her stupid ass rapper boyfriend over me. I want Krystal to feel like a fucking idiot for wasting two years of my life trying to turn me into the man she wanted me to be, and then fucking cheating on me in the end. I want Antonia to feel like a fucking idiot for choosing some 40 year old douche bag over me. I want Mike, my old bassist, to feel like a fucking asshole for turning my band against me, and turning Summers Last Wave from a promising band to NOTHING. I want Tim, my old drummer, to feel like a fucking asshole for picking Mike over me. I want Chris to feel like a fucking idiot for not giving a shit enough to take this band seriously. I want Andrew to feel like a fucking idiot for deciding to stop working with me and do his own thing.

Let's keep going, I need to get this all out right? I want Day Labor Union to regret "kicking me out" of their band in 2003 because I was "too young". I want the dude Chase in Florida to regret kicking me out of his band because I didn't follow every fucking trend. I want the people in the military who totally ruined the experience for me to regret it. I want the girls who broke my heart in highschool to suddenly remember my name and regret it.

And the funny thing about everything I just wrote...the funniest part of all....is that without EVERY person I just mentioned, or if just ONE of these people had accepted me the way I am, then I would NOT be where I am now. If I didn't hope they regretted it, I would never have done anything with a cartoon.

If I never moved to New York, I never would have created a band and written summery songs. If Jenna didn't leave me, I wouldn't have written some of the best songs of my life. If I didn't date Krystal, I wouldn't have joined the military. If I didn't join the military, I never would have done cartoons. If my band didn't abandon me, I wouldn't have made a cartoon to spite them.

So in the end, I just need to say FUCK THEM ALL, they've helped me become who I am, and thank God for the ability and the fact that he's brought me exactly to where I am, and it was all for a reason. Throughout all the pain, and all the depression, and all the moments where I was only hanging onto God to prevent me from committing suicide, and all the broken hearts, and all the pain and insanity and moments saying "GOD WHY ARE YOU PUTTING ME THROUGH THIS!?!" that it all makes sense now.

And like I said, I'm at the point where I'm about to find out what's going to happen. So if it doesn't work out, it's fine! There are still many roads to take. There's still college. One setback doesn't mean it's over. But all of this is just a reflection of how in the end, faith in God conquers all, and man, God always helps you out in the end. Sometimes we just don't fucking understand how or why, but given that we are humans, we never will understand. All pain, all goodness, all everything comes from God. If in our tiny human minds we question "WHY GOD!?!", well, that would be normal. But blaming God for it is fucking stupid, because like I said, it's all for a reason, and sometimes we can't see it.

As I was sitting at home, talking to my parents about it, I thought about what I would do if I ever made it big. I would do everything I can to help my brother, my sister and my sister's boyfriend out. I would do everything I can to give my mom and dad the best retirement they could have, considering they fucking gave up everything to raise us. If I ever become really rich, maybe I'll do more to help people out, but not by giving it to greedy fucking charities. Like if some poor kid wants to go to college and can't afford it, I'll pay off his tuition myself. No third party will ever touch my money, cause they are greedy pieces of shit.

I don't want to be lavish, I want to stay humble. I want peace and solitude. I want to be able to throw a crazy party every weekend with 100 people I've never seen before and I'll never see again. I want to find somebody special. I don't want trophy wives, I want somebody to balance me where I am weak. I want to grow closer to God. I want, although my cartoon says some terrible words, to be able to bring God's message to people without being "preachy" or "disrespectful" about it.

I mean dude, all things are possible. All fucking things are possible through God.

I know I'm cursing and saying God's name in the same sentence. I don't know if that's considered a sin, but I think God knows I'm using this word as a word of passion, and not anger.

Blah blah blah...I needed to get out all these raw emotions. I wonder if anyone will ever read this. I wonder if I'll ever actually be significant. I wonder if one day, years from now, somebody will read this saying "This was Freddy Z when he was still a nobody". Will they know I'm 26 living in my parents basement? Will they know I just spent ("wasted") the last 2 years of my life spending $18,000 on recording music that hasn't gone anywhere yet? Will they know that I've spent the last 6 months animating with social time spread out here and there?

I just like to dream of all the possibilities. Once again, anything can happen in this life through God.