The Ferris Wheel

When I was 17, I rode the Ferris Wheel at Cedar Point.

And I looked out onto the horizon on a beautiful summer day. As I saw the blue sky border the blue water, I realized my entire future lay ahead of me.

There were pages and pages of no words. I was on my seventeenth chapter, and I was ready to author my way to the top of this world. With the world in my grasp, entering my senior year in high school, the future was sunny. It was unwritten, but I was ready to write the Hollywood story: the boy that nobody believed in, became something.

But as the years go by, the plot changed.

My plans, my goals in this life went ignored. I strove for dreams, and I gave up. I half heartedly watched every band I tried for fail. I broken heartedly watched as every woman I truly loved, left.

I joined the military, and made what seemed to be the biggest mistake of my life.

This past weekend, I went to Cedar Point, and across from me sat somebody who I wished wasn't there. A female who I had no feelings for. A female who was completely representing "giving up" in my mind. As I sat in the Ferris Wheel, where my 17 year old phantom once sat, my 26 year old body felt like throwing up.

This isn't how my life was supposed to be fucking written! Are you fucking kidding!?! For the love of Christ, I'm fucking 26, and I'm a God damn nobody! My youth is fading faster and faster, and in the blink of an eye, I'm another year older! How the fuck do I stop!?! HOW DO I STOP TIME!?!!

I see myself in the mirror, and my hair is growing thinner, and my hairline moving back further. Sure, I'm being dramatic, but my body is gaining weight. I'm becoming ugly. I used to fucking turn heads. I used to make girls feel nervous! And now, I'm a 26 year old, out of shape asshole with the face of a boy. I have no friends, and if I died tomorrow, there'd be more people pretending to be upset about my death for personal attention than those who are authentically distraught!

I wanted to vomit. It was too reflective for me. It disgusted me. Here I was, almost a decade later, with a fat girl. Here I was, with EVERYTHING that I DON'T want in this fucking life. Here I was, with a girl who made me sick to my fucking stomach. Oh my God, she has hairy fucking arms! Oh my God, her arms are fucking bigger than mine! HOLY SHIT, she has fucking side burns.

Dude, I seriously want to throw up. This all started because I was fucking horny, and now look where I am. I'm desecrating a sacred spot. A spot where my 17 year old cavalier spirit sat and dreamed impossible, BEAUTIFUL dreams while getting lost in the crystal clear blue water. And now here I am, saying to myself:

"Hey asshole, I achieved NONE of those fucking dreams! I did fucking NOTHING with my life! I'm 26, with 23.5 college credits, and I'm spending my life tearing down my debt! And I'm going to be 27 in 5 months, and guess what? That's 3 years till you're 30 and a NOBODY!"

And where I used to be a ladykiller, I'm fucking pathetic with women. And now here I am, settling for my last resort, stuck with a girl that disgusts me. Am I fucking kidding? What the FUCK am I doing?

HOW THE FUCK DID I LET MYSELF GET HERE!?!?!?!?!

Oh Jesus Christ! Help me!


----


And I let the negativity pass me by. I let the past pass me by. And for the first time, I start to feel victorious. Dude, my life isn't over. I'm not a fucking nobody.

I'm almost finished with a cartoon that took me 6 months to complete! Who the fuck has ever done that BY themselves?

I have a celebrity guest appearance by All Time Low. They don't even know they're in this fucking cartoon. If nobody wants to sign me, THAT ALONE will garner a ton of attention.

I'm blown away, literally BLOWN AWAY, at how well I feel these characters are individualized. I can't stop laughing watching the shark talk in the third person. I can't stop laughing watching the way the Flamingo emotes, and the way he follows trends.

I'm 26. Some people don't truly succeed until 40. Dude, this life isn't over. This life is just fucking beginning. Are you kidding? I can conquer this world with this cartoon. I can build myself a fucking empire! It just took me longer than some people.

So sure, maybe some of the people I knew at 17 are already beginning their careers. And maybe some of them are way further ahead than me.

And the friends I don't have, dude, when this cartoon blows up, do I seriously believe that I'll still be "friendless"?

And all the girls I fail with, dude, when this cartoon blows up, do I seriously believe that I'll give a shit that Suzie Q. Nobody rejected me for a better looking guy?

It's fucking sacrifice. I've given up everything I have to make this shit work. I haven't hung out with friends in so long. The only time I've gone out is with a female, as I try to cope with these mommy issues and build a better me.

Dude, this fucking LIFE is MINE to grab! It's MINE to dictate!

I AM NOT GIVING UP ON THIS FUCKING DREAM!

This cartoon WILL succeed. I don't care if it takes 1 year, 2 years or fucking 10 years! I will use this cartoon to build my bedroom looking over the Pacific Ocean. And when I'm living that dream life, and partying with my new SoCal friends over those golden Pacific sunsets, and falling in love under those starry desert nights, all the bad memories that took me here will be a fucking blur.

The years of 18-21, DESPERATELY trying to get over Jenna, desperately trying to be famous, desperately failing, and working 80 hours a week for almost 3 years, as my hairline existed in it's fully youthful state for the final time. I lost all my friends because I worked. I sold out.

Then the years of 21-23, DESPERATELY waiting for my prison sentence in the military to end. Regretting that I let a girl persuade me to join the military and then watching the fucking cunt cheat on me while I was in bootcamp. Questioning my true desire to "die for this country" and KNOWING there was a bigger purpose for me, but unsure of what!

Then the years of 23-26, DESPERATELY wishing Sarah would break up with her boyfriend, and finally getting over her. Trying to build a band, and live my dream as a rockstar and having ABSOLUTELY no luck. Getting the worst possible band members, having NO ability to connect with any musicians. Having the WORLD promised to me, and then losing EVERYTHING I have, my band, my family, my car, my money! Dude, it was all gone.

But it's okay. It's all FUCKING good man! This shit is going to change for the better! Sometimes you have to get the living shit kicked out of you before you realize your purpose. Sometimes you have to be staring straight down the barrel of a 9 millimeter beretta pistol in a guard tower at 3am, wondering if it's possible to get to heaven through suicide. Sometimes you have to be driving a car under a night sky, praying to God that somehow he'll show you the way, and somehow things will work out.

Sometimes you have to have NO friends. Sometimes you have to have ABSOLUTELY NOBODY that gives a fucking shit about you. Sometimes you have to be the "second best" option for another fucking STUPID bitch that picks a better looking dude over you.

And it's okay. It's all okay. The storm is almost over. All of this pain will be worth it. These years of nothing. These pointless years.

----

When I was 17, I dreamed. When I was 26, I sat next to my 17 year old phantom and said to myself "Kid, someday you'll see your dreams change. And one day, you'll accomplish them. But I can't tell you when."

And my 17 year old phantom said to me "Dude, I gotta know one thing; is there anything in the next few years that you would tell me to change? With your wisdom of the future, and the events that unfold, what would you tell me?"

I stopped for a second. And as I saw the emotional pain I incurred upon myself, and the mistake I made joining the military, and the extreme loneliness and depression that these years buried me under, and the nothing I had become, I realized that the dream I'm chasing now, wouldn't exist without the torture.

And I revealed the one truth to my 17 year old phantom. With the power to save him from the pain, I told him "There's nothing I would tell you bro."

And I got off that ride, and let my 17 year old phantom remain on that Ferris Wheel, looking out to the blue horizon, dreaming his 17 year old dreams.

------

The next day I went back and said "Wait, there is one thing!"

He said "What?"

I said "Bro, when you're 26 don't go on this fucking trip to Cedar Point! You can do WAY better than the fucking girl you're with!"

THE END