Death

Today, my dog died.

His name was Tony. He was about 12 years old. In all truth, he annoyed the hell out of me. He always whined and howled when we put him in his cage, because he always pissed all over the house. I always had to clean up vomit, or pee, or something. He left huge chunks of snot everywhere he walked.

I'm not saddened by his death. I have such an odd look at death, but one of the first things is that I don't look at dogs or any animals as equal to people. He's a dog. That doesn't mean "he deserves to die painfully", I mean he died peacefully in our backyard. It's the poetry behind his death that makes it sad, and scary as hell.

Here is a dog who's been blind for nearly a year. He can't see anything. For the last few days, he's looked like he was ready to fall over and die. He spent all day in a corner bobbing his head up and down, trying to stay standing erect, while his body constantly gave out under him and knocked him to the floor. But he kept fighting. He kept fighting to stay alive, until his last breath, where his heart stopped working, and his brain stopped functioning, and his body went limp, and he fell on the grass, dead.

But what was he fighting for? His body was so weak. He fought to stay alive for a few more hours of lingering pain? And even if he could recover from that pain, he fought to stay alive in a world where he couldn't see. His vision was gone, his hearing was going, and to me, that sounds like a pointless life. But what was he fighting for? Why didn't he just lay there and wait to die? The dog kept standing back up, even though he was "sitting", and refused to just lay on the floor being dead.

I guess it's instinct. Every animal has survival instinct, and they fight the inevitable until they can no longer fight it.

But death to me doesn't represent pain. It represents rest. It represents freedom. It means escape from this ugly world, a world where the only thing any body gives a shit about is what's best for them. That's what it all comes down to: greed. We fight to stay alive in a world where the people with power fuck us over in order to keep their power. We fight to stay alive in a world where our memories past the age of 23 tend to be working and paying bills. We fight to stay alive in a world where our best days are behind us all. We wake up every morning, fighting to stay alive, even though we'll never look as beautiful as we did at 18, and even though we've gained weight that seems impossible to lose, and we've lost hair that's never coming back, and we've gained wrinkles, and spots showing our age that will only get worse. We fight every day to stay alive in a world that is guaranteed to end in heartbreak, yet we still keep fighting.

In a way, I embrace death, because when I'm gone, I'll be into the arms of Jesus, chilling in heaven, finally escaping from this ugly world. And those who believe in nothing, what a fucking shame. The idea of rejecting all forms of theological promises post-death just to be a "realist" baffles me. Those who choose to believe we have no maker, because they're "atheists" and they think they're smarter than everyone, are unimaginative, black and white soulless dreamers. I've never met an atheist who didn't think he/she was the smartest person he/she knew.

And honestly, with all the religions in the world, there can only be 1 truth, right? Or maybe God will forgive the men and women who fell victim to the distortions of his word by human beings. People try pointing the finger at God or Jesus, for all the pain in the world. God didn't do anything wrong. He told human beings that they had the right to live by free will, and yet we get angry at him for that right? Are you kidding?

I love God, I love Jesus, and I believe whatever God says is true. However, I don't know if it was GOD or if it was man who added that "all non believers will be in hell eternally". I like to believe that God will give those who were misguided a chance, but I'm not God, and I don't understand this world like he does, so this is just me talking out of my ass. But the atheists who chose to believe in nothing, shit, they deserve to turn to dust when their lives end. If this is ALL we have, it would be like a plot to a bad movie. Their idea of evolution, and the big bang theory makes WAY less sense than a "man in the sky that we can't see creating it". There are so many holes in the theory, that thru billions and billions of dollars in research, they still haven't been able to prove shit.

It seems funny to me...any time you spend billions of dollars on ANYTHING, it shouldn't be THAT fucking hard to prove it exists right? Unless it's all bullshit!

Like Global Warming, the same fuck heads who said we were having an ICE AGE in the 70's are now scared of global warming, and people are eating this up. I guess when people have NOTHING to validate their existence, they create problems in order to feel adequate.

In the end, all this will be gone. In the end, I will be dust. Will my cartoons live on? Will these words live on? Will anyone ever read these words wondering what kind of man I was?

Honestly, it doesn't matter to me. I'm over that. I don't care if people remember my name generations from now or not. I don't care if I'm significant or not. I just want to make enough money where I can live comfortably in a mansion on the California coastline. And it's not because I'm a greedy prick. If a large house on the California coastline cost ten dollars, I'd be happy with that. Unfortunately, it costs a bit more than that!

So God, I'm here waiting for you whenever it's my time, and I'll do my best not to fight it!

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Afterwards, I went to Shannon's house where I hung out with her entire family. I got the vibe that she wanted me to finally meet her parents. It's funny, she said last night her "ex" called her, and they talked, and she was upset. I guess hooking up with another girl wasn't such a bad idea. Like I said, it would be a lot easier if we could just be fucking honest with each other.

I don't know how to read her. She didn't kiss me on the lips when I left, probably cause her entire family was there, but she did say she'd call me tomorrow, this time with more enthusiasm than she had in the past.

I don't remember how to take things slow, but I'm trying. The more I get to know her, the more I learn, and the more good I see in her. I could feel how much love was in that family as I shared their "drunken" summer night experience. I could see a father that loves his daughters and his wife SO incredibly much, he'd do anything for them. I saw a mom who also loved her kids more than anything. And the funny thing, I'm a lot like her dad. Maybe that explains why she is attracted to me. They say we learn about attraction towards the opposite sex from our parents.

She brought up the Zodiac thing tonight saying "you're an Aquarius you're scared of commitment!" and three times she said something which made it sound that I was the "new boy". I don't know how to take it. The truth is, when a girl keeps leading me on, and keeps this "invisible" leash wrapped around my neck, I keep following. I've learned a lot though, and as a 26 year old man, I'm able to resist my natural urges to feel deep emotions so soon.

I feel like there's more I should be typing, but I don't have the words. I have so many emotions on my chest right now, I don't know how to get them out. I guess, in the end, thank you God, thank you Jesus for what you've given me. Please forgive my sins, I'm sorry for being a piece of crap sometimes. In your name I pray, Amen.

I hate asking for things when I pray. I feel like it makes me weak. I always thank God for the good things that happen to me. If I forget, I mentally "kick myself in the butt" for forgetting. People tell me to ask God for things I want, but I don't like doing that. I like doing things on my own. ANd I don't mean that in the sense like "GOD I DON'T NEED YOU!" I mean it in the sense that too many people in this world WANT WANT WANT. Anything I want, I want to earn on my own. I don't envy what other people have, I want to earn it myself. And if I don't, in the end, I'll be able to tell my children to work their ass off chasing their dreams, whatever it may be. And I'll always support those dreams!

If I didn't have a blog to release these stupid emotions, I'd be fucked...haha....