Happy : D

It was amazing to see Sarah tonight. I really can't explain it. I was nervous as hell walking in. I tried having my rockstar swag on, trying to remind myself that we made a ton of friends last night and we were chilling with a huge band, just to help keep myself leveled. And then I saw her. For the first time since December 2007. And she was sparkling.

She was with her mom and 2 of her mom's friends, with whom I turned on my instant charm. Parents always love me. Not that this matters much in this situation, but I'm great at telling jokes.

We headed to Dave and Busters. It was her idea and I got excited. There were a couple of times in her talking she incidentally brushed my shoulder, but I think there was something in the back of her mind that was cautious about this. But I'm not gonna lie, just looking at her, it put things into perspective. This is the only girl in the world who can do this to me. I'm shooting for an impossible dream, a dream which will bring a ton of women into my life, and she'll always be the only one who knocks me out. It feels like every inch of me melted.

It's that smile, that fucking smile. I just can't stress it enough. It's so perfect that it's chilling. It cures me inside. I just felt at peace being with her. And I loved it. It was just like it used to be when it was just me and her hanging out. I always felt like I was in my own world with she was the o-zone layer. She kept warm the oxygen I breathed. She always made me feel like everything was right, and anytime we were together, I did whatever I could to keep her with me as long as possible. I hoped to do this tonight. I hoped this night never would end.

I went into the night thinking it would be the last time I ever saw her. But it turned out to be something much different. As we talked, I brought up life, love, happiness and all that shit! She seemed scared of the future. She's got two more classes left in college before she's finished. I asked her what she wanted to do, and she got tense. She said it's cause people keep asking her "when are you getting married/what are you going to do with your life?" She felt pressure. I answered it assuringly: just don't do it. (I actually brushed my shoulder to illustrate it!) I actually was surprised she was questioning marrying the dude she's with. I figured it would be a shoe-in at this point, but after 4-5 years, she's still unsure.

After I heard this, I couldn't tell her. I couldn't tell her what she meant to me, the songs, or anything. I didn't want to confuse her or push her one way or the other. (to be continued...)

Nervous as hell

I wasn't nervous as we passed out 200 demos last night, gave out lei's, or chilled with C/S. I'm nervous today.

I'm going to hang out with a girl I'm in love with today. It will most likely be the last time I ever see her. It's been 2 years. I'm going to be myself, but it's gonna kill me. We always talk so...blunt I guess? It's like talking to a rapper or some shit. Like I can't comprehend how to say the things I should/shouldn't say...maybe silence is the best though. I don't know what to tell her...

I take the word "friend" with a grain of salt

I was angry about this earlier, but at this point, maybe not anymore. I don't take having "friends" seriously. I gotta start dividing things to where they belong: hook-ups/business relationships, the end.

The whole concept of "listening/helping out someone" is something that I will do only when it's business-convenient. I used to be sad when friends "screwed me over", but at this point, it's no surprise to me. Now I just have to attempt to surreptitiously use somebody without exposing how fucking pissed I am at them for being a backstabbing scumbag. I mean lets be honest, they have a major connection that I still don't, and I have yet to utilize.

This goes out to my friend Giselle. Basically, she was mad that her brother, who WAS also a good friend of mine, heard that we had had sex in the past. I accidentally said it, but feeling bad, I told Giselle the next day. I apologized. Apparently, he told her today and said it in a worse context.

The problem is, he's in a band called Lights Resolve. I supported them cause he was in it, and he was my friend. And since I'm being completely honest here, that was the only reason I ever supported them. I wasn't considering connections or anything of the sort, because when I first started going to their shows, I wasn't doing the band thing. They aren't bad, but they aren't great either. I mean, they're okay. But they've been touring/playing for awhile, and have publishing deals...etc.

So at this point, do I punch the kid in the face for being a backstabber and lying about what I said. He told her I said in front of his entire band "Yo I banged Giselle twice" which was a blatant fucking lie. And he's a piece of shit for telling it to her. And her mom, and her mom's friend are all lying about bullshit, and this girl is going...ugh I don't even know where I'm going with this. I gotta pull the old Freddyboy Z-cut and forget move.

Part of me is hurt, cause she is a fucking fool to believe these assholes. I dared her to get all three of them in a room and have me sit down and talk with them in front of her. I'll expose all their fucking lies. Of course, she didn't take me up on this offer. Personally, I'm more disappointed in myself that I let her get anywhere close enough to where I could get a little hurt by this. Reality is, I don't do that with anyone. It may be why I'm such an open book. Since I have 0 real friends, I don't have anyone to tell my "secrets" so my secrets become my talking points.

So from this point out, she's going to be living a sad life, with the same family that's cut her down, treated her like shit, and spiraled heavy drug use from both of their children. I don't know how parents like that sleep at night, but whatever. It's not my problem anymore. They're both dead to me. And I'm going to burn this bridge with that piece of shit without telling him. Mainly so there is no vendetta, but in the back of my mind, I do not want to ever utilize this connection with him to get us ahead, because I want to look down at him from the top and laugh when I can say "hey shit head, I did it on my own! Have fun getting up here!"

I'm so filled with anger lately. I need this to inspire either a song, or fuel for this band.
Or this can all never work...like I'll go nowhere. Then what? Then who the fuck cares anyway?

Going gets tough, FUCK the rest!

So yeah, I'm at the studio today, and Rich our producer starts telling me about this band he was mixing a CD for and was awaiting payment. Apparently, they were referred by a friend of his who happens to be Red Jumpsuit Apparatus' manager. I got excited, and realizing he had this connection, immediately asked if he would send our demo to the guy.

Keep in mind, this has been the situation a million times in my life: Somebody, somewhere, somehow, thinks they know somebody. In an industry dominated by the truth "it's all who you know", it's exciting to hear somebody is friends with someone in the position of power, but you must take it with a grain of salt: most people don't know anybody!

Rich answered that he already had given the guy a demo of ours. I asked "What did he think?"

"He said he's heard it a million times before."

I laughed a bit. And then considered how incredibly cocky and pretentious I have been about this whole band. I expect when people hear us to be blown away as if they've never heard anything like it before! Clearly, it's not always the case.

So what do I do when I hear someone that high up considers us in the "diurnal" category? Of course, part of me is a little pissed. Part of me says "fucking seriously?" after all the blood, sweat, tears I've put into this. Is my dream wrong? Is my vision incorrect?

Hell no! Of course not! I step back, tell myself "I'm going to make this fucking manager regret saying that about us, and get fucking huge by ourselves!" And I'm not playing. I'm going to make that asshole come knocking on our door begging us to be a part of his team.

We also were incredibly blessed today: There is a monthly rehearsal studio available 5 minutes from our house! The one we're at now is about 25 minutes away, and this will save an incredible amount of gas mileage. It's also only $450 a month! However, we have the option to have the size doubled from 14x14 to 14x28! It's $900 a month however. But, it would be our own apartment basically, and it would simulate a live stage. We would have a HUGE amount of room to move around, practice, and prepare our live show.

I'm pretty excited. We are moving in regardless it's just a matter of 14x14 or 14x28 (I'm pushing for the $900...fiscally tougher, but it will help us get to the top faster!)

Other than that, fuck the nonbelievers, I'm gonna make this shit happen until the day I'm dead : D !

Anxious to get this shit rolling

I'm tired of sitting inside, behind the computer, promoting our music through AIM, Twitter, Myspace...blah, blah, blah. If it wasn't for this shit, I'd be out meeting people, playing shows, having a good time. I'm sick of recording. I've recorded like 1,000 hours this year, and I want it to be over. I just want to get back to playing shows, and feeling like a fucking rockstar.

I feel like it's the part inside of me that isn't coming out. The fucking dude who's a rockstar. Seriously, I miss tearing up stages, schmoozing it up with the chicas, singing, making friends...etc. I miss being the one everyone is fucking looking at. I'm ready to get out there and change the fucking scene. Break all fads, break all cliques, and bring people together.

It gets tiring when you question WHY you're doing this. It's another Saturday night at home, and I just pissed off my best friend, and she's probably never talking to me anymore. Who knows where my band mates are, we never hang out anyway. This is the type of shit that usually makes me want to sit down and feel bad for myself. But fuck it. I don't need friends. I don't need anybody. I can make this shit happen myself, and then make new, shallower friends.

People find that so offensive when I say that. I don't understand why. It's truth. Everyone is shallow inside. Nobody was ever friends with me for ME. It always had something to do with music. So what's wrong with me just saying it for what it is?

I honestly can't wait to play ORIGINAL while opening up for one of these scenester, shitty, dime a dozen bands.

Haven't updated recently..

I've been posting on my facebook. facebook.com/freddyboyz if you want to add me yo!

Dude really, can't stop..

It just feels like an emotional whirlwind that I can't escape from. I wasn't even going to put this song on this album. Now it's hurting me. This song was written for the second album, and I wanted to do it now, cause I figured "I want her to know how I feel".

I'll overcome the pain, it just hurts so badly. This song is too deep. I honestly don't think I've ever written a deeper song. I feel like I want to finish this song, go home, and then start over next week. The feeling in this song is so deep, so strong, and the rest of the songs are small compared to this one.

I wish I knew what to write to make this go away. Usually typing makes me feel better. I just feel like writing this song brings back the memories, the love, the pain, but it doesn't bring back her. So what's the point?

Maybe other people will realize they aren't alone in this feeling. It's got the sound of a hit, but the lyrics are very specific so I really don't know where it'll go.

I use the blogs to bitch, to get everything out. I haven't felt like this in years. And I have to try keeping it inside until I sing it tomorrow....

Trying to stay upset

I'm trying to get in the mood of "Make or Break It". It's a song of mine that requires me to nail the emotions I'm feeling in the lyrics if I want it to be effective. The music is already great. It honestly feels like something I'm listening to on the radio, more so than any of our other songs. This album may wind up being "too good".

I'm upset because of the lyrics in the song. I just don't understand it. The lyrics are like my soul in a song. It's so painful. I Maybe I never really realized that straight up, this girl broke my heart. I always looked at it as "I'll always love Sarah," and now, being 2 years later, it doesn't look like she'll be done with her dude anytime soon. It's hard to let it go.

It just makes me feel so alone. It's rare to find someone that brings this out in me. At this point, I feel like I keep myself isolated from the rest of the world in order to make my music better. Maybe I'm scared to fall in love again so much that I don't want to meet anyone new at all. While yes, heartbreak has been my biggest inspiration in pencilling my best songs, I feel like it's been battered too much.

I guess I'm a human being and there really is only so much I can take. I'm just at a point in my life where the only thing that matters to me is getting music going. And all I'm doing is holding onto something from 2 years ago. Because I promised I would always love the girl.

It makes me feel shitty yo. 10 million people in America are going to be listening to this song and sharing this feeling with me, and it's only going to make me feel more alone. This song will be out of my control. It won't be like my kid anymore. It will be it's own.

Fuck fame. Fuck being famous. I wish I could just write songs and live in a jungle with fruit so I didn't have to pay bills LOL

Frustration with the album sound...

I guess it's a good thing to be frustrated about. In ensuring that each song is "at it's best", it seems to strip a bit away from the soul of the song. Two of the songs in particular (LIMONCELLO and MAKE OR BREAK IT) seem almost TOO good. Almost as if they don't belong on this album. It makes me a little upset because these songs mean SO fucking much to me (as do all my songs), but these ones are sounding like something that I didn't envision when I wrote the song originally.

Everytime I write a song, I have it from a summer-sounding perspective. These songs sound like something you would hear on mainstream stations almost, but not on a Summers Last Wave record. And it's almost as if the maturity in my songwriting is pellucid in these, while earlier songs such as SHE NEVER GETS WHAT SHE WANTS are beginning to show "immaturity".

The sad thing is I feel like a piece of these songs are missing. I don't know what, and I don't know why. It's just something. It's almost as if I feel like they weren't written by me. Maybe it's just the future that I need to grow accustomed to.

From this point out, every song I write is going to be in the style of these two songs. Well, not so much STYLE but, unintentionally they will be written with my new world view, and from the perspective of a 25 year old Fred, not a 18-19 year old boy. I guess I find it depressing, because it's losing a piece of what songwriting originally meant to me. To be honest though, I really don't know how. I'm feeling a bit depressed today about these songs, and I have no fucking clue why. I wish I could put my finger on it. It's almost as if they weren't written by me. It's like they wrote themselves.

If you're reading this, you may think I'm insane or something. I guess if you're a real songwriter/poet you would understand exactly what I mean. If you are an everyday black and white thinker, then this is foreign to you.

Studio...Guitars begin!

So yeah, day 1 of guitars! An 8 hour day resulted in....only 2 songs! Whattt? Well LUCKY was a bitch! But it's okay! IT SOUNDS AMAZING! It's our opening track, and you can't hear it from me typing it here, but rest assured, the shit is insanity!

It's got a great summer vibe! We also did FREE which has encapsulated the exact feeling I wanted! That "being sad that the past is gone, but being happy for what you experienced!" It's emotionally charged, while staying true to our sound! It's more of a sunset song : ) !

So I'm excited! Not sure which songs to choose tomorrow, but I'm thinking NY Screams and Limoncello for starters! I will most likely stay the night here at the studio!

PASSION!

I say it in caps and with a "!" because I MEAN IT! : D

Is there any question that in the end, passion will conquer all? True passion will trample the mediocre opponents?

There is NO doubt in my mind this is the case! When I KNOW something is going to happen, and when I KNOW it's MEANT to happen, I'm going to make it happen, regardless of the circumstance! You can be an underdog, but underdogs still bite : D!

This is in regards to something I'm VERY passionate about! I'm going to make it happen one day! LOL can you guess what I'm talking about!?! XD

Someday

I've been thinking lately. I'm incredibly happy with who I am. I don't know if I'd ever change anything in my life if I had the opportunity. Things are going great.

I strive to be a rockstar. If that doesn't happen, I'll strive to be something else. Somehow, someway, I will be a positive change in people's lives. In the end, I may or may not be hugely significant. As long as one person in the end feels that because of me their life was changed for the better, that's all that matters!

I guess I'm in a strange mood tonight. I don't know what it is with me. I've got like a good glow inside. I feel like everything in my life is going to be awesome. Like, I'm in so much debt right now with the studio, bills...etc. I'm going to owe the studio $25,000 at LEAST. I have $10,000 left on my car. My credit card debt is at a total of $4000. I have another personal loan out for about $2000. It seems like a lot to handle. But I don't care!

It's almost as if I just don't care anymore? I used to worry what people thought about me. My hair, my clothes...etc. Now I don't. The part inside of me that used to be the "romantic, desperate for girls Fred" has been nearly extinct for years, but now it's like gone. I made out with this girl Giselle a couple weeks ago, but I didn't care. I guess that makes it more attractive to the opposite sex. Cause I'm self-assured in all that I do. I'm confident that in the end, I'll be exactly where I belong.

We're living a life where everything is evanescent. In the end, this will all be gone. We could wake up one day and just be killed BAM! It'll be over in a split second. Then what? Will we worry about debt? Will we worry about what we were wearing? We won't worry at all. So why spend life worrying about small things?

I love what I do. I love writing songs. If I could pay off my debt in full to the studio for every album, I would do it easily. I would live a life writing songs. Life is so freaking beautiful, even when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night.

I take life one day at a time, and I love it. Be yourself, be strong in who you are, and you'll be the same way. There is nothing in this world that you NEED. You just need faith in yourself.

Shut up dude!

So after repining on this blog last night, and finishing drums tracks for MAKE OR BREAK IT, the sweet song I wrote for Sarah, I feel better. I feel like I got it out of my system. The song sounds beautiful. It's the type that could make 30 million girls cry, but not her. I just want to take the feeling of joy and of love and share it with everyone. Although in the song I am still kind of "chasing" her, I make the clear statement that "Make or break this, I'm already in love".

I've written enough blogs, enough songs, enough journals about this girl. None of them make her reappear. I guess sometimes it's good to write about or share these feelings. Mainly cause they make me feel alive. In a world of work, bills, and pursuing a dream, it can get tiring. I need love. Unfortunately, being that I am so extremely picky about women, I have to rely on my last taste of love which was almost 2 years ago. It feels like days since the whole experience, not years. I feel like I've been waiting a week for them to break up.

And sometimes I wonder if it is waiting. Am I waiting for her, or just waiting for somebody better? I think inevitably, our first taste of love is only washed away when a newer, stronger taste comes along. It's like that's how I felt about Jenna. Jenna was the first girl I was ever IN LOVE, in love with. Nowadays, if she called me and said she wanted to chill, I would do it. If she said she loved me still and wanted to date, I wouldn't. It's just over. It's just the memory, the taste that is remembered and treasured. It's not her. It's not her in 2009. It's her in 2002.

I met Sarah in 2003. I was 19 and she was 15. She was an amazing person, beautiful, and one of the only girls I respected. I called her Jessica Biel cause I thought she looked like Miss Biel haha. It was that fucking smile man. Melted my knees.

But I was no fool, nor was I an idiot. At the age of 19, I did not come close to 15 year old girls. I would have easily dated her if I was 16, or she was 17. But I wasn't going to risk getting in trouble. When she met the dude she's with now, I believe she was 16 and he was 21. So yeah, go figure. I don't make the move out of "respect", and in the long run it doesn't make a difference, cause he was fucking way older than her ya know?

It wasn't till I returned from the Navy and that they broke up that me and her really "got together". She said he had hit her while they were drunk. Then we started hanging out. It wasn't until our first kiss that I was all hers. We were drunk, but it was perfect.

Ugh, I'm just writing these things to get them out. I can't keep them bottled inside of me. I remember one night we fell asleep at like 3am. She started kissing me at like 330. We were just making out till like 7am. Thinking about that sounds fucking tiring to me. If someone told me this story I'd usually say "Oh God, why? Just go to bed!" But I guess when you're living in the moment you don't even give a shit. I just remember I didn't want it to end. I wouldn't stop kissing her, ya know? I wouldn't let her fall asleep. The next day I wrote a huge blog, detailing everything. Detailing the way I felt. I showed it to her next time we drank together. She smiled or something, I don't remember, I was drunk. I tried reading it on my iPhone a couple months ago, and it got deleted. I was fuming at first, but eventually I realized I didn't need it. It was still inside of me!

I write these things here because I don't want to share them with anybody in ways other than music. We all are missing somebody inside. We all feel lonely. We all want love, or want back an opportunity. I am just like everyone else in this matter. The only way I am different is that I can turn this into a melody. I can turn this sad/happy feeling into a beautiful song. I say sad and happy, because I don't feel sadness in retrospect. The only thing I regret is not telling her exactly how I felt when I was sober. But this is all happiness. Because I felt love. I was lucky to have her in my life. One day it'll happen again with somebody new. It'll strike like lightning, and I won't be able to breathe!

Hope's a biatchhhh!

So I'm picking up some shirts from Michael's today, and I get a text message. I look at the phone and the name across the screen says "Sarah"! I had to do a double take for a sec, cause I never get text messages from Sarah. Literally, since our whole "rendezvous" ended in late 2007, I've heard from the girl two times, unless she was responding to something I said, which is few and far in between.

She was just texting to see how I was and let me know she missed me. It got my blood pumping. It got my heart racing. It got my hope sky high. These were all good things. The first thing I thought to myself was "maybe they broke up!" They being Sarah and her boyfriend. I always considered him a deuche bag. Now don't get me wrong, as a person, I like him. He's mad chill. But unfortunately, him being the "other guy" will always put him in "deuchebag status".

He was the reason she left. She ran back to his ass. They had broken up after 2 years, and he had lost all interest until he saw me staying at her apartment. Then he got pissed. Me and her would lay in her bed, and he'd be sitting up all night throwing rocks at her window. I tried keeping her free from his grasp, and it worked well for awhile. Maybe it was the chase that made us me "fall in love" with the girl, cause it was always up and down. I remember one night, she actually left me at her apartment while she went and had sex with him. She came back, and I wasn't even mad. I don't know why. Still, to this day, I'm not angry about it. I wish I could understand because I get jealous at times. But not this time.

Really, I was the reason she left. I acted more like casual hook up, but said the nice things when I was drunk. I didn't say them sober because she had made it clear she was still getting over this dude. I wanted to respect the "heart" in her. I soon realized what a stupid move that was. Me and her had some amazing times. I remember when I went away to Italy and she drove me to JFK airport, she dropped me off at KISS AND FLY, and I looked back to blow the girl a kiss, and she had this look in her eyes that she WISHED she would have kissed me then and there. I mean, it's not like we never kissed. It happened all the time. Just rarely ever sober.

I became a "more than casual" drinker while I was with her. Every night I spent with her, I"d wind up wasted. I brought her a huge bottle of Limoncello shaped like Italy when I came back. Seems like a dumb gift, but it was my stupid way of saying "I love you".

There was another night that she was coming home from the city at 3am, and she had hesitantly asked me to pick her up at the Port Jeff train station at 3:30 AM. Keep in mind, this is when I lived in Shirley. I drove my ass there to get her home, and she had taken the wrong train, and tried paying a taxi to come to me, cause she felt bad. This was the night before I left for Italy. She wanted to chill one more time. We went back to her house, and for once we didn't touch. I remember laying in her bed, and just sleepily talking to each other. She said something like "you really didn't have to do this" and I said the quotidian "Sarah, I told you I'd always do anything for you". Sounds gay on a blog, but it was insane how much of my soul was in that remark.

Her mom woke me up at 6am to ask me to move to a different bed. She didn't feel comfortable with us in the same bed. We hadn't touched all morning however.

So when I received this text today, I couldn't help but wonder if I would get some of these moments back. I hated the fact that already I was dropping my entire world for her. Any new interests vanished. I still wanted to do music, but I would have cancelled the studio to see her. I thought I was over it all, but I couldn't get over it with a fucking ladder! It sucks!

ALl it comes down to is "wanting what I can't have". I always fall in love and give my "all" to girls that I realistically know there is no commitment with. Sarah, being in love with another dude. Jenna (my ex) who was going away to college...those are the only 2! But still!

I later realized why Sarah had texted me. The Padres and Mets were playing. A rivalry since I'm a Padres fan and she's a Mets fan. It sucks that this is all we've become. Texts on days when Padres and Mets play or Giants/CHargers. It makes me sad, cause this world would have been a better place with us together.

I've written 3 songs on our album about her. I decided to ask her to get together in late August, and I'm going to tell her. Everything. It's so against the "catstring theory" rule, but part of me wants to get heart broken! I'll write better music! But I don't care. I haven't seen her face in 2 years. I've barely talked to her in 2 years. She's borderline "dead" to me. What difference will it make if she knows I wrote 3 songs about her and that I'm fucking crazy for her? None at all. If she's in love, I'm not there to be a homewrecker. In fact, I'd be a terrible boyfriend right now. I'm just there to put my soul at ease. Her knowing how I feel won't change things, unless her and the DB are having major issues that can't be solved. Blah blah blah I'm falling asleep as I type this : (

2500!

I want to sell 2500 CDs in our first week! I'm really going to push for this! I mean, on Billboard charts, that should place us at like 195 or something! I don't know if they would count an unsigned band, but it would be an amazing accomplishment for us to complete!

I think we've got it!

I think we finally have a FULL lineup with the perfect people! I spoke with one kid named Chris earlier today! This dude is literally 100% the perfect package for this band!

First things first, he mentioned how in his old band (death metal LOL) he was pretty much the financial life support! He said "I had so much passion, and I was putting so much into it, but it was like nobody else cared!" That really struck a nerve with me because that's how I feel about this band sometimes! If I one other person who had the same type of drive as I do in this band, it could really encourage the rest of the guys to get on board!

Second off, he was mad chill! Apparently, he is a phenomenal guitarist, and we will find out soon if he can pull it off!

And third off, he's a mad good looking dude! It's funny, that wasn't our goal when we auditioned guitarists! We aren't aiming to be cute or hot. We just want to play good music! But now it's insane, cause I'm like the ugliest guy in the band hahaha! But it's awesome, cause it makes me feel more confident that we can sell these 2500 CDs and sell em fast!

I'm also going to sit down and talk to Mike about starting this record label. We're going to start by releasing our band's CD under the name, and then use our "getting big" to help recruit other bands like us! Hopefully it will eventually become a Drive-Thru records type of thing, and we can have a bunch of great bands and bring back awesome fucking music!

Honestly, I'm super motivated today! Things are looking waaaay up! Plus, I started sending out emails on myspace again! We've been consistantly getting 400+ plays a day! I woke up this morning and we had 22 new messages! I got off work this afternoon, and we had 13 new messages, and 10 friend requests! I know it doesn't seem like MUCH if you are a HUGE band, but the difference is we are still new! Our myspace is 4 months old! And we haven't even played a freaking show yet! This is only based on the music! This says something, right? Well I sure hope so : ) !

The future is bright man! 2 more days of work until I'm off for three weeks! I can't wait! : D

Frustrated!

With all the good things going on musically, I still cannot find band members who are as serious about this as I am! It's driving me insane! I feel like I eat, breathe, sleep, shit this band, and these guys it's just like casual. That's why I have this stupid blog, to bitch about things like this!

I can't let it demotivate me though. It's always been the problem in the past! These things start happening, and I lose motivation!

Z-Soundtrack #1: Punk Rock Rulebook - 88 Fingers Louie

Z-Soundtrack posts are blog posts where I speak about songs that have someway helped shape the songwriter I have become, or have meant a lot to me. I will post these every once in awhile, sometimes more than once in a day! Basically whenever I think about a song that ROCKS!

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Song: Punk Rock Rulebook
Artist: 88 Fingers Louie
Year: 97-99 or some shit?
Year I first heard it: Late 1999

I've decided to do the first song based on a song that really helped shape my views of the "selling out" critique. As a highschooler listening to punk rock (Face to Face, Mxpx, Millencolin, Dogwood...etc.) it was extremely quotidian to say "Blink 182 are sellouts!" during this year. If you are young (like 11-17, since I have no idea what the hell our fanbase will look like), let me explain: In 1999 Blink 182 came out with an album called "Enema of the State". It included 3 hit songs, "What's my age again?", "All the Small Things" and "Adam's Song", all which got a ton of mainstream air time, as well as peaking on MTV's TRL. Blink 182 was huge. I'd try to relate them to nowadays All Time Low, except All Time Low isn't anywhere near as big as Blink was. Blink sold over 10 million album worldwide, I think ATL sold like over 100,000. Big difference. I guess you can compare Blink more accurately to like Lady Gaga nowadays (in terms of fame).

Blink started out as a local band in San Diego. I never saw them play, because living in San Diego I never really was into pop punk. I had beautiful weather, I didn't need music to help me escape. It wasn't until NY that I got into this sound.

So when I first heard PUNK ROCK RULEBOOK, I was originally attracted to the hard pop punk sound, similiar to Dogwood, and the sick bass line, drum fill in the first 5 seconds. I never really read the lyrics until a couple years later, when I realized what the song was about!

"Don't talk to me about selling out,
cause I won't be listening
you're just another jaded kid,
who doesn't see

I'm making money
that's quickly spent
I've got a family and you ain't gotta worry about the rent

Is it too much to ask? Do me a favor close that punk rock rulebook
Cause times have changed and so have I, I need to get by

Don't think I'd blindly take this all
without asking questions
You've waited years for me to fall
and I'm still here

You think you're clever
what do you know?
The punk bandwagon's taken you where you don't want to go"

They make an excellent point. I'm guessing the song was written about their signing to Hopeless records. They were probably another local band, and after signing, people talked shit all the time. My real question to any bands that are big playing music that they love: Why the hell do you care what kids say about your band? Don't defend yourselves as not being sellouts to children! It's so much easier for you to talk when your mom and dad buy you everything. Once these kids get a taste of the real world, maybe then they can talk about what a "sellout" is.

Not only do they bring this awesome point, but they downplay the "cleverness" of it. You're not unique, smart, intelligent, if you call a band "sellout". That's pure ignorance. Especially depending on what band you're talking about!

Why you should care: Other than an awesome message, if you are into ALL TIME LOW, and the whole HOPELESS RECORDS thing, 88 Fingers is an old veteran of Hopeless Records, released a long time ago. I'd strongly suggest picking up "BACK ON THE STREETS" where you will find a ton of awesome hard pop punk tracks. Includes awesome catchy songs such as this one, Joyboy, Elmer's, Selfish Means, 100 Proof and Admission! Listen to them all!

This is what you should look like after working out!

YEAH DUDE! BURN THAT FAT!

I can't wait to change the world

It's not that times are rough, or that I'm upset...it's just I'm sitting on about 17 tracks of amazing songs, and I can't wait until the world gets to hear it. I really can't wait to save lives, change lives, and make new friends. I hope I never change who I am. I'm so blessed to have this opportunity. I've said it a million times, thanks God/Jesus for everything I've got yo! I want to make this world a better place with music!

Music Scene = Blechhh

I'm irritated with what's going on in the music scene. I guess the thing that pisses me off the most about it, is at this moment, I'm entirely helpless to do anything about it!

When a band like "THE MILLIONARES" and "BROKENCYDE" are playing Warped Tour, there is seriously something wrong with the music scene. But who do we blame? Since I tend to play devil's advocate, I'm going to point the fingers at the bands who make REAL music, not the shitty bands who are smart enough to exploit the wallets of idiots who spend money on these shows/albums.

When bands start talking about politics, and depressing shit constantly, people say "hey we want to hear something silly, or happy!" That's how terrible people that are involved in the above bands wind up on WARPED TOUR.

I guess one of the things that bothers me more than anything is ANY band that consists of a person, or persons that are incredibly rich. I'll straight up say it, a local band around here called "PUSH PLAY", that for some inexplicable reason is "big". I soon found out that the mom is a multi millionaire.

I'm just curious. Do these pieces of shit that become "rockstars" because of tons of cash to back them up, actually have a soul? Do they wake up one day and say "wow I want to be a rockstar mom!" Do they get dumped by their rich girlfriend and then decide that suddenly their soul is conjuring up music that the world needs to hear? I mean, I don't get it!

I don't really get angry about a lot of things, and earlier I was intent on writing a blog about how pissed I am that I have nothing to bitch about. But this is something I feel I need to write about it. It's a joke!

Look, my songs aren't CLAPTON material, but they're all from the fucking heart dude! Nah, fuck that, they're straight from the soul! Incontrovertibly, it comes from inside! I feel like anyone who's got songs that aren't like that, should be banned from playing music!

To ban them, people have to stop buying their CDs. To get people to stop buying their cds, other people have to start making good music! And stop talking about politics! Mainly I'm talking about bands like Green Day! These rich rockstars are still bitching about America? Can you really bitch about the land you rape?

Really, if I become rich one day, I guess I'll plan on hanging this up. That's why I only want to have 3 albums. I have 3 albums worth of stellar material now, and I never want to write songs because I want to sell out. I want to use the songs I have, and when my soul feels like it's got no more words to put into music, I'll hang up the guitar! People are so out of touch.

And I'm a little stressed today because my band was supposed to practice all day, and nobody is here. It's 7pm, and I've been at the studio all day by myself working ons hit. I'm angry because everyday we don't practice is another day that we could be saving the music scene. Everyday that SUMMERS LAST WAVE does nothing, is another day that we are wasting our lives. It's another soul that could have been saved by one of our songs. It's another person who could have said "holy shit, I always wondered what happened to this style of pop punk?"

I also want to only do 3 albums because I never want to change my sound. Most people expect you to "develop and mature". It's something that can be done without changing your sound entirely. I notice too many of these new "electronica/white boy rap" bands were former emo kids that changed scenes only when they realized they were going nowhere.

And when I see another band that tries to "look cute" and writes terribly generic songs, I almost want to laugh at any girl that falls for it! I mean, yeah it's different being a dude. That's why we don't listen to that shit. But why the hell would anyone start a band with the main goal to be "sell music to girls!" Why shouldn't your goal be "make music for everybody!"

Well, in case you hadn't guessed, thats my goal! Full length should be done in about a month, and everything I just bitched about here, will be displayed in one of my songs! Blah blah blah, back to singing practice! There is a terrible band in the other room, and I'm getting sick of hearing it!