Hope's a biatchhhh!

So I'm picking up some shirts from Michael's today, and I get a text message. I look at the phone and the name across the screen says "Sarah"! I had to do a double take for a sec, cause I never get text messages from Sarah. Literally, since our whole "rendezvous" ended in late 2007, I've heard from the girl two times, unless she was responding to something I said, which is few and far in between.

She was just texting to see how I was and let me know she missed me. It got my blood pumping. It got my heart racing. It got my hope sky high. These were all good things. The first thing I thought to myself was "maybe they broke up!" They being Sarah and her boyfriend. I always considered him a deuche bag. Now don't get me wrong, as a person, I like him. He's mad chill. But unfortunately, him being the "other guy" will always put him in "deuchebag status".

He was the reason she left. She ran back to his ass. They had broken up after 2 years, and he had lost all interest until he saw me staying at her apartment. Then he got pissed. Me and her would lay in her bed, and he'd be sitting up all night throwing rocks at her window. I tried keeping her free from his grasp, and it worked well for awhile. Maybe it was the chase that made us me "fall in love" with the girl, cause it was always up and down. I remember one night, she actually left me at her apartment while she went and had sex with him. She came back, and I wasn't even mad. I don't know why. Still, to this day, I'm not angry about it. I wish I could understand because I get jealous at times. But not this time.

Really, I was the reason she left. I acted more like casual hook up, but said the nice things when I was drunk. I didn't say them sober because she had made it clear she was still getting over this dude. I wanted to respect the "heart" in her. I soon realized what a stupid move that was. Me and her had some amazing times. I remember when I went away to Italy and she drove me to JFK airport, she dropped me off at KISS AND FLY, and I looked back to blow the girl a kiss, and she had this look in her eyes that she WISHED she would have kissed me then and there. I mean, it's not like we never kissed. It happened all the time. Just rarely ever sober.

I became a "more than casual" drinker while I was with her. Every night I spent with her, I"d wind up wasted. I brought her a huge bottle of Limoncello shaped like Italy when I came back. Seems like a dumb gift, but it was my stupid way of saying "I love you".

There was another night that she was coming home from the city at 3am, and she had hesitantly asked me to pick her up at the Port Jeff train station at 3:30 AM. Keep in mind, this is when I lived in Shirley. I drove my ass there to get her home, and she had taken the wrong train, and tried paying a taxi to come to me, cause she felt bad. This was the night before I left for Italy. She wanted to chill one more time. We went back to her house, and for once we didn't touch. I remember laying in her bed, and just sleepily talking to each other. She said something like "you really didn't have to do this" and I said the quotidian "Sarah, I told you I'd always do anything for you". Sounds gay on a blog, but it was insane how much of my soul was in that remark.

Her mom woke me up at 6am to ask me to move to a different bed. She didn't feel comfortable with us in the same bed. We hadn't touched all morning however.

So when I received this text today, I couldn't help but wonder if I would get some of these moments back. I hated the fact that already I was dropping my entire world for her. Any new interests vanished. I still wanted to do music, but I would have cancelled the studio to see her. I thought I was over it all, but I couldn't get over it with a fucking ladder! It sucks!

ALl it comes down to is "wanting what I can't have". I always fall in love and give my "all" to girls that I realistically know there is no commitment with. Sarah, being in love with another dude. Jenna (my ex) who was going away to college...those are the only 2! But still!

I later realized why Sarah had texted me. The Padres and Mets were playing. A rivalry since I'm a Padres fan and she's a Mets fan. It sucks that this is all we've become. Texts on days when Padres and Mets play or Giants/CHargers. It makes me sad, cause this world would have been a better place with us together.

I've written 3 songs on our album about her. I decided to ask her to get together in late August, and I'm going to tell her. Everything. It's so against the "catstring theory" rule, but part of me wants to get heart broken! I'll write better music! But I don't care. I haven't seen her face in 2 years. I've barely talked to her in 2 years. She's borderline "dead" to me. What difference will it make if she knows I wrote 3 songs about her and that I'm fucking crazy for her? None at all. If she's in love, I'm not there to be a homewrecker. In fact, I'd be a terrible boyfriend right now. I'm just there to put my soul at ease. Her knowing how I feel won't change things, unless her and the DB are having major issues that can't be solved. Blah blah blah I'm falling asleep as I type this : (