Shut up dude!

So after repining on this blog last night, and finishing drums tracks for MAKE OR BREAK IT, the sweet song I wrote for Sarah, I feel better. I feel like I got it out of my system. The song sounds beautiful. It's the type that could make 30 million girls cry, but not her. I just want to take the feeling of joy and of love and share it with everyone. Although in the song I am still kind of "chasing" her, I make the clear statement that "Make or break this, I'm already in love".

I've written enough blogs, enough songs, enough journals about this girl. None of them make her reappear. I guess sometimes it's good to write about or share these feelings. Mainly cause they make me feel alive. In a world of work, bills, and pursuing a dream, it can get tiring. I need love. Unfortunately, being that I am so extremely picky about women, I have to rely on my last taste of love which was almost 2 years ago. It feels like days since the whole experience, not years. I feel like I've been waiting a week for them to break up.

And sometimes I wonder if it is waiting. Am I waiting for her, or just waiting for somebody better? I think inevitably, our first taste of love is only washed away when a newer, stronger taste comes along. It's like that's how I felt about Jenna. Jenna was the first girl I was ever IN LOVE, in love with. Nowadays, if she called me and said she wanted to chill, I would do it. If she said she loved me still and wanted to date, I wouldn't. It's just over. It's just the memory, the taste that is remembered and treasured. It's not her. It's not her in 2009. It's her in 2002.

I met Sarah in 2003. I was 19 and she was 15. She was an amazing person, beautiful, and one of the only girls I respected. I called her Jessica Biel cause I thought she looked like Miss Biel haha. It was that fucking smile man. Melted my knees.

But I was no fool, nor was I an idiot. At the age of 19, I did not come close to 15 year old girls. I would have easily dated her if I was 16, or she was 17. But I wasn't going to risk getting in trouble. When she met the dude she's with now, I believe she was 16 and he was 21. So yeah, go figure. I don't make the move out of "respect", and in the long run it doesn't make a difference, cause he was fucking way older than her ya know?

It wasn't till I returned from the Navy and that they broke up that me and her really "got together". She said he had hit her while they were drunk. Then we started hanging out. It wasn't until our first kiss that I was all hers. We were drunk, but it was perfect.

Ugh, I'm just writing these things to get them out. I can't keep them bottled inside of me. I remember one night we fell asleep at like 3am. She started kissing me at like 330. We were just making out till like 7am. Thinking about that sounds fucking tiring to me. If someone told me this story I'd usually say "Oh God, why? Just go to bed!" But I guess when you're living in the moment you don't even give a shit. I just remember I didn't want it to end. I wouldn't stop kissing her, ya know? I wouldn't let her fall asleep. The next day I wrote a huge blog, detailing everything. Detailing the way I felt. I showed it to her next time we drank together. She smiled or something, I don't remember, I was drunk. I tried reading it on my iPhone a couple months ago, and it got deleted. I was fuming at first, but eventually I realized I didn't need it. It was still inside of me!

I write these things here because I don't want to share them with anybody in ways other than music. We all are missing somebody inside. We all feel lonely. We all want love, or want back an opportunity. I am just like everyone else in this matter. The only way I am different is that I can turn this into a melody. I can turn this sad/happy feeling into a beautiful song. I say sad and happy, because I don't feel sadness in retrospect. The only thing I regret is not telling her exactly how I felt when I was sober. But this is all happiness. Because I felt love. I was lucky to have her in my life. One day it'll happen again with somebody new. It'll strike like lightning, and I won't be able to breathe!