This isn't how it was supposed to go

Letter I wrote to my music managers

"Dear __________,

To be honest, I don't know anybody who could fill in for this band. My friend said he'd do it, but then it turned out he could only turn up himself (bass) and a guitarist. The pro musician/ex-producer is way too expensive as far his band goes. I don't have the connections to establish this. I've been working two jobs to pay off my bills.

I'm not going to lie, I really am starting to feel as if we're accomplishing nothing. I understand what you guys originally said, that you wouldn't offer me a contract unless you could do something for me, and it took a year before we got to that point, which was awesome. But I'm guessing Michelle wasn't digging the cartoon, and that this reality show isn't going to happen. In all cases, it's okay, I understand how life works. Sometimes things happen, sometimes they don't. But if those two outlets are fruitless, where does that leave us?

Don't get me wrong, I do love working with you guys, but what am I supposed to do at this point? Start putting the cartoon on YouTube? Play acoustic shows? Pay you guys .20 for every $1 I make if/when people decide to buy something? I feel that if we go the band route, unless there is some sort of extravagant plan behind it, it's going to be something I just continue to lose money on.

When we talked about it, you guys said something like "we'll set up a show, and you bring 100 people". The number intimidated me because to be totally honest, I barely have any fucking friends. I have acquaintances. I'm a total asshole to people, it's hard for me to be nice and caring and fake like these cocksucking bullshit "rock" bands nowadays. I can't even keep a straight face when I drink black coffee, how the hell can I be expected to keep a straight face when I'm kissing the ass of some fat ass fan girl when her muffin top is glistening with the sweating beads of cellulite? I had the idea that being in a rock band was about attitude, not giving a fuck. The industry now is about "peace and love". I'm sorry, but fuck that shit. The only way to be "controversial" is to make fun of rednecks or Jesus, but if you make fun of Muslims, or certain races, it's "racism/hate". I hate the stupid double standard these fucking idiots have.

We got this contract done in late September, and I remember sometime in August you guys saying to me "Freddy, we hope in 6 months we're calling you while you're in LA and your career is going awesome". That really doesn't appear to be the likely case anymore. And as I said above, I totally understand. I know you guys are busy, and I know you guys have a life too. Originally, I was supposed to kind of "sit and wait" until we found out about the cartoon and/or reality show. But since both of those dreams seem to be extinguished, doesn't this put us back to February, when you guys had a meeting with me and said "Freddy, we're not interested in working with you unless you have a band"?

I mean bro, I have so much fucking music, and so many people fucking love it, and it kills me that I can't even play acoustic shows, or open mics. I'm going to be 27 in a month, and a year ago you guys told me to work on the cartoon. In that year, it seems like we've gone absolutely nowhere. And once again, I don't regret it man. I put 6 months of my life into that cartoon, and I took a shot that we could make it into something. It turns out, that if it will ever be anything, it will have to be an underground project without the assistance of the stupid fucking music industry. This is why they keep losing money. They can't stay ahead of the times, they only invest in projects that appear to have a following (because a singer is "cute"), and nobody fucking gives a shit anymore because it's all been done before.

I keep thinking about when you guys tried playing my CD for the dude at Universal, which he refused to listen to, and he said "What's their Twitter following? What's their myspace following...etc?" Clearly, it's a real fucking smart business method considering the only ability these companies have lately is the ability to make fractions of the cash they used to pull in. It's like they say "Beauty fades...dumb is forever". It's the same thing with music, except these jackass executives don't realize: "Beauty fades, songwriters will write good music when they're 40, 50, 60 and 70". Where the fuck do they think Katy Perry will be in 10 years? How about Ke$ha? What about these douche bag dime-a-dozen rap artists that put out 1 "club" hit, and then fade into oblivion?

I'm just sick of having my dreams shut down. I have to face reality bro: This will only ever be a hobby of mine. I will never make millions doing it. Do I have the capability? Of course. But labels don't want to take a fucking chance on something anymore. And if that's the case, they can all go fuck themselves. In 6 months from now, I'll probably be playing acoustic guitar at a coffee house to 8 random faces that'll clap because they feel obliged. And you know what? That's fine with me. If my legacy is to be a nobody artist that never had to sell himself out, then fucking so be it.

So the pieces are in place: The music has the ability to sell millions. The artist, doesn't have the ability to be that stupid fucking liar that begs people to listen to his music. I apologize if you had another impression of me. Perhaps that's how it used to be. But the fact is, we don't need a record label to make money on this project.

Please don't take this as an insult or anything, I'm just kind of venting. I saved up how I feel for tonight expecting to have a meeting, but since it was cancelled, I had to get out how I feel in this email. I was kind of hoping that this meeting would be in reference to the reality show, or Michelle saying she likes the cartoon, or just SOMETHING that would help us make some money. But talking about putting a band together? It was an idea I came up with just to kill the time. But if the reality show isn't going to happen, what's the point? I don't have the patience or tolerance to deal with 4 more fucking shitheads who just want to drink, and smoke weed, instead of sounding good.

Seriously man, I fucking blast my music every day, just imagining what it would be like if we played to a packed show at the Crazy Donkey. Just listen to the fucking music! WRAPPED AROUND YOU, LIMONCELLO, SHE NEVER GETS WHAT SHE WANTS...Dude, these songs are fucking ANTHEMS! People will fucking love them! People will fucking sing them. People will buy them!

But it's been a year and 2 months since I left the assholes that composed "Summers Last Wave". And nothing's happened.

Look, I do take a lot of the responsibility for nothing happening, I'm NOT blaming you guys solely. But if the reality is that none of these ideas are going to happen, I really don't want to waste your guys' time anymore.

If this reality show happens, we will easily make millions. I'll blow people away with these performances, I'll be that never-ending over-flowing fountain of good, commercial music. If it doesn't, to be honest, I don't feel like paying anybody to play my music, especially if there's no guarantee I'll make the money back.

Let's face it man. I'm a fucking nobody who writes hit songs. Is it even possible to change that?

I don't know. Either way, I do apologize if I sound like an asshole, or if you guys have the impression that the way I feel is directed solely towards you. I don't mean it to sound as harsh as it might through written word, the inflection behind these words is intended to be more in a "whiny friend" tone. But if the cartoon and reality show are not going to happen, I'd totally appreciate it if you guys just told me "sorry Freddy, we took a shot, but you're on your own."

-Freddy"

The life that almost never was

What if, for a second, I was the one to save her? What if, I became the father of the two unwanted children? What if I took her, loved her, kept her, started a family and lived the good life? What if we became strong?

What if I'm on crack for thinking this?

Dreamers dream. Is it our job to act? No. It's our prerogative, but not always our move. We are unpredictable in the chess match that is life, and that's why we'll never be defeated. But never being defeated doesn't always mean you come out victorious.

So I escape thinking about her, and thinking about what would become us. Coming home to her every night. Coming home to two children who love me, because their father didn't. Sleeping next to a woman who loves me. A woman who's one of the only people I ever trusted and listened to when it comes to my music. Waking up next to her. Waking up and being responsible for two children. Saving their lives. Giving them a rock, dependability. And having a woman who strangely understands me.

Stop.

Life sounds so much more glorious when it's summed up in a sweet paragraph. When we speak of heroes, in the essay we use to describe them, we fail to realize that these people live the one lifetime they have doing something that becomes filler in a book.

I dream just to see. What it would be like to have my own family. To have a baby girl. To have a wife. To have a son. To have my own life.

Encroaching 30 does this shit to you.

Writing songs and the pain these emotions brings

I sat in Starbucks tonight writing lyrics to songs I've had written over the last year.

Writing lyrics is the most difficult part of composing a song for me. I'm great at expressing emotion through melody, but I'm never happy with the words I use to display that emotion. This is why it takes me years to write songs, and why they remain so personal to me. I am happy with the melody; others can't translate.

Writing songs, for me, is an outpouring of real emotion. It's an almost tangible reminder of the experience. Each person I write a song about is a sentient being in my life, whether or not they still exist. I can still feel their aura.

I composed three songs; one about Jenna, one about Giselle, and one about Sarah.

Jenna's song was written last year. In fact, I wrote a blog when I came up with the melody. It's taken until now to finally piece together deserving lyrics. It was written with the mentality that when I was called to combat overseas in July 2009, my life would end, and my life would flash before me, and she was the only person I loved who ever loved me back. At 25, my life would end, and she would be my only definition of love. The thing about the song that gets me is how one person can ENORMOUSLY effect somebody else's life, while vice versa, that person is but a drop in their ocean. It's like the movie VANILLA SKY. Tom Cruise dwells on the love that "could have been" had he not gotten in that car with Cameron Diaz. In reality, it was only one passion filled night.

Giselle's song is written in a more sorrow, remorseful way. It's watching a beautiful girl, with a brilliant mind, deteriorate before my eyes. It's watching your best friend get into a fatal car accident, and having no way to stop them. She's slowly dying, and there's nothing I can do to save her. Her heart, her soul, her hopes, her dreams are all fading. How do I know? I don't. I can only go based on what I saw.

Sarah's song is written from my perspective, watching at her wedding as she marries a man that isn't me. When I first met her, I felt a crazy aura around her, like she was going to be something big in my life. I was right, but it wasn't in the way I hoped. The song is me singing about how I passed up the opportunity to have this girl, and the second I hesitated, she found a man she loved for the rest of her life.

It's painful writing songs and poetry about people that have had an effect on you. It makes me wonder if these people ever think about me. Do they even have time to let me pass through their head?

I only have time to think about them during down time. Since my new job started, I've had little to no down time. But when I sit down to write songs, I have no choice but to be inspired them, or to be tortured by them. I relive their warm body touching mine, kissing me, making me think we'd be forever, only to watch my heart be murdered by their leaving.

Here I am, in 2010, writing about a girl I loved in 2002. A girl I slept with in 2002, and 2008. And then a girl I fell in a drunk, Limoncello inspired love with in 2007.

But you can't choose what inspires you. It just happens.

The only way to go with it, is to never take for granted EVERY magic moment you have. Enjoy every second you have with a person you feel emotions for. It may be all you have for the rest of your life, and it's a long, cold, lonely life ahead.

Hand of God vs. Coincidence

Today I was driving to work. When about 100 yards in front of me, a car pulled out to make a left turn in front of the car in the right lane and the car in the right lane t-boned the turning car.

It was rainy, and I hit my brakes, by the time I came to a full stop, I was directly next to the car who had just hit the other one. I looked over to see a body that wasn't moving. It reminded me of the time I saw a guy crossing the street and was hit by a car. It was almost the same lifeless expression. I described it like a "dead rat".

Oddly, it didn't phase me. I saw the other car (the one that tried making a left turn into oncoming traffic) still moving! I was thinking to myself "Oh hell no! This car isn't going to cause an accident and get away with it!" So I turned to follow it (at 6am, not many cars were on the road)

The driver must have been passed out because it idled until it hit a curb and nudged a telephone pole before stopping.

I called 911. Surprisingly, and seriously, what the hell, there was a 1 minute wait! "Your call will be answered in the order it was received."

After this car stopped, I was running late for work. I didn't stop to help anyone because if I learned anything from my law enforcement training in the Navy, it's DON'T TOUCH PEOPLE AT ACCIDENT SCENES! Wait for the EMT's to arrive! I could seriously hurt a person.

I assumed the person trying to make the left turn was passed out, maybe dead, but not likely. This SAME exact accident happened a couple months ago at the SAME exact intersection, except the lady turning wasn't so lucky. She rolled the dice turning in front of a semi truck, and getting hit in a sedan by a semi truck going 55-60 doesn't ever end pretty. She died at the scene.

This person could have died. I don't know. I didn't get out of my car to find out.

I turned into the gas station, and that's when I saw the driver of the car who wasn't at fault get out of his car and walk around. I was glad he was okay. I called 911, told them what happened, they asked for my name and number, and I gave it to them and was on my way to work.

I hope everyone is okay. I checked the newspaper website to see if the accident was reported (generally, they only report accidents that involve fatalities) and I didn't see anything yet, so I'm hoping nothing was fatal.

But let's take that out of the equation. I witnessed this accident as it happened. The person turning into oncoming traffic had seriously NO SPACE to make that turn. They turned nearly INTO the oncoming car! What the fuck were they thinking?

People need to be scolded for IDIOTIC mistakes. I mean, holy shit, this is life, the only one we live, and you want to risk it to make a fucking left turn in front of a car? And remember when I said there were no other cars on the road? I wasn't kidding! It was me, the guy who hit the person turning, and the person turning! Why couldn't they have waited 5 seconds for us to pass? People will probably feel bad for whoever got hurt, and yeah, I hope they're okay, but they need to re-take driving lessons or something.

This has happened to me MANY times in the bus. Some jackass sees a bus coming and decides to tempt fate and cut in front of me. Despite my road rage, I just question the mental capabilities of human beings. Why would you ever risk that?

The car that hit the car turning left with oncoming traffic, on any given day, could have been me (And the difference between me and the other car is that I DON'T HAVE AIRBAGS! THey already deployed!). It was rainy out today. Normally, I travel 70 down that road despite the 55 mph limit. For some odd reason, I was only going 57. And I was in the left lane. When it gets to that intersection, I normally stay in the right lane because a cop hangs out at that corner and generally has the radar pointed in the left lane.

What other things happened today? While taking out the recycling, the wind blew three of the pizza boxes all over the street. One disappeared, the other two were in front of our house in the middle of the street. The extra seconds I spent picking those pizza boxes up could have been the 100 yards I was behind the accident.

But did this phase me? No. Not at all. It wasn't one of those moments where I was immediately falling to my face thanking God. It's not because I don't believe he has a hand in keeping me safe, in fact, it's quite the opposite. I know he has a hand in keeping me safe. I don't doubt it for a moment. So when things like this happen, these small coincidences, they don't phase me. Because I know God is always watching over me.

And when it's my time to go, shit, it's my time to go. But why should I be phased? I'm always grateful to God for the life I have, and I know he can take it at anytime.

It's the poetic nature that makes me sad. I don't know if the person died or not. I'm guessing not likely, because they were hit by a sedan. But just imagine. Today, while living your normal routine, could have been your last day. It's the details of this thought that makes me sad.

Like the lady who died a few months ago. I had passed the accident minutes after it happened. The cops hadn't arrived yet. I saw her lifeless body hanging out of the side of the car. I couldn't tell if she was dead, didn't see blood, but she was old. But at 1pm on a September afternoon, what was she doing? Was she turning to get gas? Was she turning into the shopping center? Was she going to the mall to buy clothes? Was she meeting her friend for coffee? Was she heading home where she lived alone? Was she heading home to see her grandkids? Was she a bitch to everyone she knew? Was she the sweetest lady that existed?

These things make me sad. And it's humbling. That life can end like that at any given moment. We'll have tasks that we didn't complete, friends we didn't bid farewell, lovers we never said goodbye to. Just like that, and BAM our existence is just history. The chapters of our life are finished writing, and the two words "THE END" appear.

I believe and know there is hope after this life. But what do they believe? What do you believe?

Despite my heavenly ambitions in the afterlife, it's signs like these that we can't take for granted. Living life is a blessing. I'm always up and down with how I feel about life, but the truth is, I'm a lot better off than the lady who was killed turning into an oncoming semi-truck. What can I possibly complain about?

I am blessed for the family I have, the life I have, and the passion I have. God has blessed me. So is it the hand of God or coincidence that I wasn't the car to hit the one turning?

I say hand of God. Coincidence means there's nothing to learn from this. There's always something to learn from everything! Don't take life for granted! And seriously, don't drive like an idiot!!!

Less talking, more doing!

"I was in a band. The lead singer went crazy and kicked everyone out. He had really good music too, but he just lost his mind or something."

I'm putting things together in order to get a "for hire" band rolling. For the love of Christ, all I keep doing is listening to my music, songs I've taken years to put together, and the longer I keep them hidden, the more of a waste of talent I'm becoming!

No more talk, more "do!"

Nothing makes me happier than writing music, working on my music, and hearing my music. Why do anything BUT what makes me happy as hell, right?

Perspective:

Today I found out something I needed to know. It disgusted me. It made me sick. It made me never want to kiss or hook up with a girl again in my life.

I can't even write it for fear of her reading this. I really should take down the link to this site from my FB lol. Sometimes you hear something about a person that sums up who they are in a nutshell. There are rumors and then there is truth. Rumors are like a game of telephone that gets twisted out of control. But beneath those rumors always lie some small truth.

BLECHHHHHH!!!!

So no more rockstar attitude. I've been doing awesome staying away from prowling women and hanging out with girls withOUT trying to hook up. But this concludes things.

The best way to describe the situation is like this: Picking up a piece of garbage, insisting that it's special, and in the end finding out it is what it is: a piece of fucking trash! Now that may be harsh, but my mind sickens at the fact that I let myself believe she was special. I let my parents actually ENCOURAGE interaction between us! My parents sat her down and told her "he needs a good woman!" and assumed she could fill that role!

WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKK!?!??!

Not my parents fault, I was just as blinded. Just saying.

So what do I learn from this?

1. Respect for yourself. RESPECT YOURSELF FIRST! Don't settle for shit!

2. If something is too good to be true (at first), it probably is.

3. No more settling again EVER!!!

I still feel sick about this!!!!

Miss I

I saw my old English teacher tonight while I was at Applebees with my brother.

Miss I. She got married that year, so my class was the last one to refer to her as "Miss I". I don't remember her new name.

When I was a junior in highschool, she was my English teacher. She had to be 23 or 24. She was young, she was the cheerleading coach, and she was the teacher that all of us had a secret crush on. She was a beautiful blonde woman who was assertive, and put me in my place many times that year.

But I remembered her for something else. She was the first teacher I ever had that really believed in me. She honestly thought I was smart, and she saw through all the bullshit and the facades I put up to make myself look cool. After a year in her class, she recommended me for honors English the next year. I took it, but shortly dropped out realizing it was my senior year and I didn't plan on going to college anyway. I never would have taken honors english anyway. But I did it for her, because she really believed in me, and I wanted to prove to everyone she was right. When my teacher the next year was apathetic, it was hard for me to actually WANT to stay in honors english.

One of my friends in her class always used to call me "ugly". While he was only busting my chops, it really got to me. It really lowered my self esteem. I had TERRIBLE acne in highschool, and in that socially awkward stage, it's hard for a man to be assertive and say "who fucking cares?"

It got to me one day. I remember staying after school to hang out with my friends. I had been an asshole in her class that day, and she confronted me in front of my friends. She pulled me aside and didn't talk to me like a teacher, she talked to me like a friend, but a friend who's about to kick your ass. She was pissed. Eventually I cracked and told her I feel like I'm fucking ugly. And she started yelling at me "Don't listen to that kid. Are you kidding? You're not ugly at all! You're a very attractive young man! Why do you even listen to people who aren't as good looking as you?" Maybe those weren't the EXACT words, but it was something almost exactly similar. After she walked away, my friends came up to me and remarked "she's crushing on you!"

I didn't take it that way, but when you're in highschool and hear a teacher remark those words, the rumor train starts.

Miss I had an amazing effect on my life, in ways that I'm still unsure of. In a way, she was like the mom or big sister I wish I had at the time. The one to remind me I'm not ugly, to make me realize I'm smarter than I act or think. She believed in me. And while I sit at Applebees, facing her at the bar, I know who she is.

But does she recognize me? Who knows. I wanted to say hi. I would have loved to say hi. She was with her husband, the same man she married nearly 10 years ago, and I was happy to see that she found real love. They were drinking at the bar, and they were all over each other like highschool students in love. But she kept putting her hands in his crotch area, and after witnessing this, I really didn't feel like saying hi. It's her husband, nothing wrong with being sexual, but at the same time, I looked at her almost like a big sister or a mom, and seeing my mom or big sister doing that would have weirded me out.

The other part of me didn't want to say hello because I didn't want her to know, 9 years after she tried kicking my ass into shape, that I was driving busses. Could she really believe that she would have any effect on students if she saw the one she "inspired" didn't use the intelligence he had the way she expected?

It's funny how sometimes in our life we meet somebody that has a HUGE effect on our life, but they'll never know. It's funny that 10 years later we can recognize their face, and thoughts of them still swirl through our mind, but to them, we're just another face at the bar.

But it gives me pleasure knowing that she's happy. She made my life better, being one of the only teachers I ever had who actually knew how to get through to me, and now, she's still doing the job she loves, with a man she loves, living an awesome life. Props to you Miss I, may the sun shine brightly on you always! : )

Dreams are the only thing I keep

I hate it when I have an AMAZING dream. I mean, the type of dream that encompasses almost a week's worth of time. So perfect, so beautiful, where everything goes right, only to wake up and realize that week's worth of perfection doesn't exist. And that girl that was with me in that dream doesn't know we fell in love. And I'm alone in my bed with nothing but my blankets and pillows.

Maybe 5 years ago I'd be filled with inspiration after a dream like this. Today, I wake up and I consider the possibilities of me and her being together. The belief I hold is that any girl in this world that I want, I can get. And I don't mean it in an asshole-cocky way. But the fact is, when a man knows 100% he wants a girl, he'll do anything to get her.

That includes going into the place she works, getting rejected by her every day, and coming back the next day and still insisting she come out with him one night. Thinking about her all the time, and ways to rock her world. Winning a woman's heart is like a battle plan. You always have to be one step ahead of her, and perform feats that she doesn't see coming.

Okay, reality is that while the romantic shit is all good and fun, I over analyze too much. Every woman I've ever met I tend to analyze to infinite and conjure reasons why she isn't worth that effort, and in the end, I settle.

So maybe in our life, some people are just meant to be a source of inspiration. Maybe knee-shattering beauty is altruistic to song-writing, poetry and other forms of art. From what I understand, the middle ages were the same way. "Romantic love" and it's stories were written by people who were "in love" with the wife of another man. It wasn't written about their current wife!

I think back to the perfect example of "judging a book by it's cover". Amelia, my ex girlfriend. When I met her in 2007, she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. I was with my current girlfriend when we first met (Kankles/Krystal) at the restaurant she worked at. I was with my brother, and he knew her. She had stunning blue eyes, an insane smile, and that light brown-blonde Florida hair. This was in Jacksonville, so the Florida thing made sense.

It was depressing to look at her, and then look at what was sitting next to me. For 2 years of my life, I had settled with Krystal. I knew from day 1 she wasn't the woman I wanted, but I "fell" into a relationship with her, and I couldn't get up. A couple weeks later we broke up. It had nothing to do with AMelia. Once Krystal insisted we get engaged, I lost all interest in her. The idea of spending the rest of my life with someone I was "settling" with actually made me physically sick.

As soon as we were done, I set my eyes on Amelia. I was convinced 100% that this was the girl I wanted, and I'd do anything to get her. It eventually worked, and it was less than a month that me and her were spending the entire weekend together at her apartment.

But then, I slowly watched the most beautiful girl I had seen in my life at that time turn into something disgusting. The person she was inside was equal to sewage. She would slap me in public, or slap me when I snored. She constantly was bitching and whining and complaining about everything. When I refused to be her punching bag, she got even more emotionally capricious. She was judgmental, condescending, while at the same time, straight up evil.

I remember something I said to myself prior to the relationship "I don't care who this girl is inside, I could love her forever just based on her magical looks alone". But when I was with her, it became like a whirlwind of pain, and I couldn't stand it. One day, her older sister beat the shit out of her, and when I picked her up later that evening, she had two black eyes. I was smiling inside. I wasn't the one who hit her, but it was karma.

Then one day she asked me "how would you feel if I said we should get married in a week?" I responded "ehhhhhhh" and she flipped the fuck out.

Okay, so I'm going somewhere with this.

Maybe since her I've been more cautious. I haven't pursued anyone in that "romantic" sense, because I haven't been convinced anyone is a suitable enough match for me. I'm scared to be blinded by someone's beauty, only to fall into a bear trap below.

So maybe sometimes quotidian dreams are the best option for a life spent with a girl I can't touch. Maybe falling in love every night, only to watch it disappear when my eye lids open inspires the flame this song writer needs. The idea of touching, kissing and holding the hands of someone, while it seems so perfect, can be met with major disappointment when you see that down inside, they aren't who you expect. Who knows? Maybe she farts at night. Maybe her breath smells. Maybe she's a gold digger. There are some traits in women that are an automatic "lose all interest" in my mind. Like Antonia, and her desire for a socially productive lifestyle by clinging on to me. I don't want a girl to be with me because of my friends. My friends come and go at my own whims.

I'm still waiting, and I don't doubt one day that the right woman will come along. I just need to know when it's the "right one" so I can pull out all stops to get her!

Words without melody

I type. I type. I type.

I'm typing words with no emotion, with no inflection with no reason with no rhyme with no fucking point.

Black letters forming over a white screen.

I pick up my guitar, and it says nothing. It sings nothing. There is nothing to sing or say tonight.

I'm killing myself slowly by living another day, another hour, and doing nothing with it.

I'm just empty right now. It feels like nothing is inside. Just air. Just space. No emotion, no feeling, no nothing.

Barely sentient. Barely barely.

So cloooooose!

Taking my new tricks I learned at the poker table, I played 2 tournaments tonight. One was an $8 buy in, where the winner received $350, out of about 116. The other was a $24 buy in, where the winner received $8,300.

The $8 tournament paid the top 15. I FINISHED 17TH : ( !

The $24 tournament I was KILLING IT!!!! But it paid the top 162, and I finished 282nd : ( !!!!

While it sucks to lose the money, I was doing REMARKABLY well in the early rounds. In the $24 tournament, I went up to 30,000 chips and I was in 3rd place with about 500 people left. I was MURDERED on an incredibly bad beat, and it only went downhill from there.

In the $8 tournament, I was in 2nd place with about 90 people left.

It was extremely difficult to continue to think with the RIGHT mindset as the tournament dwindled down. The thought of winning $8,000 in just a couple hours weighs HEAVILY on your mind, you get nervous, and make desperate/STUPID plays! For more experienced players, the grind is easier.

So what changed? LUCK does have a lot to do with winning, but the game also consists of a LOT of skill! How was I able to build up INSANE stacks so fast?

I'm becoming VERY acute at detecting weakness.

MY BIGGEST WEAKNESS: I HAVE TO LEARN TO LAY DOWN HANDS when it's CLEAR I'm beat!!!

POKER is incredibly simple. Hands are like stories. If a story doesn't make sense, it's not true.

So I must learn from the mistakes I made today and press on!!! : D

Void

Sometimes we all have a void we can't fill. I always assume that by typing these words I'll feel satiated. It's never the case.

Despite the positives, despite the good news, despite it all, I still feel empty inside, and these empty words don't cure the disease.

I've spent my life writing songs, dreaming that when the words hit the target, it would change their world.

That never was the case. I caused some to cry, I caused some to think I'm insane, I caused some to be completely non chalant about it. It wasn't as dramatic as I expected.

I pick up my guitar hoping something positive would come out, but it was empty. Inspiration used to come when I realized they'd hear my song, and they'd know.

But hear I am writing empty pointless words just hoping to soothe the angry nothings I have raging inside.

Whirlwind

I've done awesome since going on my diet from women. I've been in 3 situations where I was tempted to break it, and I stayed true!

Funny thing happened last night. I hung out with Heather, the girl from the end of this summer. We talked about why things ended. While I kept some of the truth reserved, I was honest about my mental process and reasoning for giving up on her.

She said "I really liked you!" and I said "I know you did...until you went away that weekend!"

Suddenly, she was on the defensive. I knew she was flirting and getting cozy with some other guy while she was away.

THAT being said, do I have a right to be pissed? Absolutely not. BUT, do I have a right to hook up with another girl, and develop feelings for another girl (which I did), ABSOLUTELY!

I didn't tell her about the other girl, not because I'm scared but because it would really hurt her, and it's an unnecessary truth. Her knowing that tidbit doesn't make her better, in fact it makes her worse.

Anyway, she kept denying it. I told her she didn't text me. She said "There was no service."

Trusting instincts is KEY to survival in this world. I knew she was full of shit on BOTH of those! Once I showed her that she did, in fact, text me while she was there, a few times (when she arrived, and when I asked her "when are you coming home") I proved one of her lies wrong. When I kept pushing the "there was another guy" fact, she kept denying, but eventually admitted (after I coerced her by saying "it's not like we were dating anyway") that there was a guy up there she thought was cute, and was flirting with, but it didn't matter cause we weren't dating.

How the fuck did I know? Am I psychic? While it's cool to boast mysterious powers, that's not the case.

I completely conjured this situation based on human nature, and human tendencies.

Let's look at the facts:

Monday -Thursday: We hung out every day. She really started liking me. We had sex on Thursday night.

Friday: She goes away for a 3 day weekend on a camp for her youth group, as a counselor. She texts me non stop on the way there, texts me one more time to tell me she got there safe and she misses me already.

Saturday: Doesn't text me all day.

Sunday morning (2am): Jeremy (my brother) brings home Laura, the hotter girl that has a crush on me.

Next 12 hours: I think Laura is awesome, don't want to be involved with Heather anymore.

Sunday 7pm: I check my phone, still no text from Heather. I feel no remorse about hooking up with Laura because I KNEW Heather was smitten with some guy upstate at the camp she was at. She went from NON STOP texting to NO texting. I sent her a text asking "when are you coming home?" because I wanted to break it off. She immediately responded "MOnday" with NO "i miss you" or any of that shit.

Monday night: Heather shows up at my door with NO phone call, home from camp. In my mind, this move had GUILT written all over it. It was "I had fun and forgot about you while I was away, but now that I'm home, I realize I have something solid and want to keep it!" I stay away from her. My body language is resistant! I say "I didn't brush my teeth so don't kiss me!" (a total BS lie if anyone knows me considering my addiction to Orbit Wintermint!)

I explained this all to her, sans the Laura part. I explained to her how I made the decision that it was time for us to end this. ESPECIALLY considering that she planning on joining the Navy. THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL I would stay with a girl going through bootcamp that already proved to me she couldn't stay emotionally strong for me for ONE WEEKEND!

This is where the over-analytical trait gets annoying. I actually think all this shit. But in the end, it lead me to make an extremely wise decision, one that would have avoided heartache had we continued this rendezvous.

She's a Gemini and attempts to be analytical, which she is. It's probably why I allowed myself to hang out with her. But as the Zodiac says, she becomes my submissive. I over power her easily mentally. She wanted me to kiss her, and then we had a 15 minute debate with me explaining why I wouldn't kiss her.

It basically went like this:

Heather: "Kiss me"

Freddy: "No! I'm on a woman diet!"

Heather: "It's just going to be a kiss!"

Freddy: "No it won't! It'll lead to something more! You're a fucking nympho dude!"

Heather: "No it won't! I'm not in the mood for sex, I won't let it happen!"

Freddy: "Bullshit"

Heather: "Umm, I really won't! I don't want to have sex right now! Any other night, maybe..."

Freddy: "Dude, okay, let me explain something to you. You're a WOMAN. You only go with the feeling that you feel RIGHT NOW! Right now you don't want to have sex! But after we kiss, my magic kisses will send sparks through you and you will change your mind!"

Heather: "Your magic kisses? Haha!"

Freddy: "See? The fact that you focused on that statement alone instead of denying what I just insinuated shows your true intent!"

Heather: (silence)

Freddy: "Good comeback!"

Except it went on for another 10 minutes with me delineating how it would all unfold.

She was a good kisser, and that made it more difficult for me to resist. But I must focus! I MUST BE STRONG!

And with Heather back in the equation, serendipitously, so is Laura! She's been texting me a LOT the last week, saying she was thinking of swinging by.

The man part of me doesn't want to resist, but for once, my mentality is overpowering my emotional and physical desires. Repairing relations with my mother has made this a lot easier.

I'm looking at all hook ups with girls who I don't have feelings for as "swapping spit". Looking at it that way grosses me out, despite it's 12 year old maturity level connotations! But there's nothing romantic about that! Easy day, no way!

Soar across the atmosphere
with your hand in mine, I kiss your ear
and we'd blow the stars apart
with the fireworks from our heart
You say that I don't know you well
but I'd steal you with your flaws
the way that you are
I want as a part of me

Hey yeah,
it's just something you don't see
Hey yeah,
You're a stunning beauty queen
Hey yeah,
I can barely breathe
You fill my heart
and weaken my knees

-------

Dear Jenna,
I'm being called to combat overseas
and it's been so long since I believed
that you'd grow old with me
so take my words
as a man who's speaking from his grave
but a man survives this desert sand,
they're words these lips will never taste

In my life we used to be beautiful
before those chariots come for me
and my soul's at peace,

I wanna relive days
where our love was sparkling new
and dreams of a life with you
still could have come true
If my life is lost,
on my dying day,
with my dying breath,
as it fades away
I'd say "father can we please let heaven wait
let me relive my best days"

Dear Jenna,
for all you know, I speak with angels now,
your love ran dry 10 years ago,
and my love never ceased to grow
with faith, that time would somehow
piece us back one day

--------

You're so beautiful, you don't even know it
so brilliant, you don't even show it

All those needles and pills won't
kill away your pain
but it keeps killing all you are down inside

Oh, you're so cold, you're so cold
and I wanna believe there's a lost girl inside, that I can never understand
You're so cold, you're so cold
I'd swoop down and save you but you can't save what solely never stands

-------

It's too late, it's too late
all my words become the emotions I'd never say

Did you feel the world colliding when we touched?
Did you feel the world collapsing when he took my baby?

-------

Mental cleaning....

-----

Dressing in a suit and tie excites me. It makes me feel like a "real man". It makes me look attractive. When I interviewed for my job, which I was offered today, and I was walking around the office being introduced to the work space, I noticed a few attractive women do a double take when they passed me.

It made me feel better after what I wrote the other day. Maybe it's the confidence. It's being a man, being clean cut, looking good.

That being said, my libido has been dead lately. I've had no desire for women, and I'm happy about it. Maybe it's because my mom and I have gotten closer, and she seems to pay me extra attention now. If that's the case, then that's awesome.

I need to respect myself, and start over. Even if I go without sex or even making out for a year, I'm cool with that. I want an awesome girl in my life, that leads to an awesome marriage. The idea of that only scares me when it's in regards to the WRONG woman. Maybe it's time I find the right one. Maybe it's time that just like God provided AWESOME things for me every time I had faith in him, I need to have faith that God will hook me up with the right girl.

I want a woman who's a good investment of my emotional and mental, and hell, financial energy. I guess after the TERRIBLE experience with KANKLES, a girl who I SPOILED, I've been held back.

But I'm sick of that. I want the girl I'll never get sick of. I want the girl who will be my partner in crime, like Bonnie and Clyde. My best friend. My baby girl. The girl that can reject me a million times, and I'll keep coming back until she says YES.

She's out there. I just need to have faith. Kind of like I had faith through the terrible experience of losing my awesome bus route, only to lead to being hired for a job with awesome benefits and awesome career potential.

So Dear God,

Please bring me this woman whenever you are ready. I got faith that you know who she is, and she's going to blow me away!!!

-AMEN!

Watching the world change...

I see some people I graduated from highschool with, almost 10 years later, are married. Some are fat. Some have their perfect skin looking lizardish nowadays after all the years of tanning. Some have kids. Some have died.

It's scary seeing and knowing these things. Knowing that the youth in our life is over. It's gone, and it's never coming back. It may be a quotidian theme in my life, but we never thought we would get old. Ever. And now here it is. I'm encroaching 30, and so are all my old friends.

It's frightening to me to watch things change. I have to let go of what I used to have: beauty and hair.

When I was young, I had no confidence. I thought I was ugly. When I was skinny, and had hair. But I saw all the time, when I walked by some girls, they'd drop their jaw. They'd be speechless. And I was scared to talk to them. It's not like that anymore. Sure, it happens here and there, but it's not what it was.

Maybe it explains my recent streak of mothers trying to hook up with me. They know I'll give em beautiful kids. Haha.

It's been 1 day since I decided no more hook ups, and already, I have 2 "blasts from the pasts" in hot pursuit of me. That's how it always works, right? You take yourself off the market, and now people want you.

It's difficult to be a man and say no, but I must continue to be strong. I was talking to one on facebook last night, and she brought up a time we slept together, and it got me turned on, not gonna lie. But it's a man fighting "being a man", for unknown reasons. Maybe it's the faith I've got that if I clean up my act, God will hook me up with an awesome woman.

I want that feeling of never-ending love with somebody. Mentally and emotionally. It's happened a couple times, shit, it could happen again!

I've also been playing a lot of poker lately. I know I'm an intelligent guy, and it seems that there are people who make millions playing poker, why the hell can't it be me?

Blah, blah, blah...not really sure the purpose in getting these words outta me. I saw an old picture of me when I was 14. I used to have beautiful girls getting nervous around me, and now it's like....

I need to get in shape, and get a career lol!

That being said...

I think I'm sick of "proving people wrong". I'm sick of trying to compensate in material things for the personality superlatives I lack. I want to be loved and respected for who I am, by all people. I want to unite, not divide.

Breathe in...exhale...

Be patient...

Patience is a virtue I lack. I want everything NOW NOW NOW, and when I don't get it right away, it drives me crazy! And when I get it, I don't want it anymore. It's my life story.

I'm on to the third stage of the interview process. Wow. My first job application with three interviewing steps: one to ensure competence, second to ensure my ability to hold a conversation and sound friendly over the phone, and the third step (on Veterans Day) to ensure I'm the right man for the job!

I can't help but look toward the future and be excited about my prospects of moving back west. I guess this is "selling out", right? I mean, I'm ready to slow down the chase of doing something with my art, whether it be the music, animation or whatever, in order to find my place and succeed in the corporate world.

Or am I doing what it takes to get ahead?

I'm not going to lie, the fact that I could transfer to my old home town made this job incredibly more appealing.

But the chance to start over can NOT be taken lightly. I've had this opportunity too many times in my past, and too many times I wasn't prepared for what "starting over" truly offered.

I read this blog recently in it's nascent stages. I was concealing myself. I was embarrassed at who I truly am: overly opinionated, overly analytical, son of a dramatic conservative and a mom that didn't appear to love him. Those things don't work well in the rock star world, a world built on politics, whether they like to admit it or not.

Considering that a move to California couldn't pan out anytime soon, at least not for 5-6 months, I need to slowly change myself for the better.

The first step I've decided is the most important: When I'm with a friend and talking about another person, I have to find only POSITIVE things to say about them. This is something I just realized, yesterday. In my entire life, there are few people who I've ever said positive things about. Most of the time, I'm honest when expressing my opinion of somebody. But the truth is, those words get back to that person. They get hurt. They dislike me, then their friends dislike me...etc. Domino effect.

But when you say something positive about somebody, it boosts their opinion of you. That happened to me once. A girl asked an old friend of mine what he thought of me, and he had nothing but good things to say about me, although I expected him to trash me. I haven't talked to him since, but my opinion of him since has only been positive.

Being friendly, and being myself. 90% of the time, I'm happy as hell. The other 10%, I'm writing in this blog. It's too bad I don't write when I'm happy, otherwise this thing would be filled with posts.

People like my smile, people like my attitude. People like positivity. People don't like a New Yorker pretending to be an asshole.

What are my goals for the west coast? Living. Loving. Laughing. Enjoying life.

Playing football on the beach, playing guitars on the beach. Playing music at bars. Going to the Padres game, the Chargers game, having the ability to scream at the top of my lungs again for my favorite teams! Playing softball. Going hiking. Hanging out all night in the gaslamp district. Going to the desert, or the mountains, being inspired. Going to Disneyland. Having friends. Having lots of friends. Living. LIVING.

This is the future I see for myself when I leave New York. As somebody who is more optimistic than not (believe it or not!), the future in New York will only be more of the same: Awkwardness with broken social scenes. Clubs. Random shallow hook ups. 4 months of nice weather, 8 months of gray skies and brown, dead trees.

The only thing I'm losing by moving west is my family. And that is NOT an easy thing for me to do. I love my family. I'm extremely close with all of them. But the truth is that I will never become the man I need to be if I don't ween myself away.

And if I remember anything about California, it's that there were days I was having TERRIBLE days, but the weather soothed my soul. Maybe that's the balance I need. In New York, when I'm having a TERRIBLE day, a gray sky, and SNOW IN NOVEMBER can make it worse. I mean, it's not even pretty snow. It's ugly ass slush accumulating dirt on the side of the road.

See what I did there!?! Negativity!

Environment is KEY in my life, and the proof is my experience in the military. I hated where I was. It made me depressed. I got out, and things changed.

Being west again, can I love life? Can I be laid back? The excitement, the hope and the plotting of all of this make me more anxious.

There is so much to do out west. I remember it. I never liked being indoors. In New York, it's too hot and humid, or it's too freezing. There is only a span of 2 months when it's "comfortable" to be outside: April and May!

I've slowly put my dreams on the back burner in order to chase something more solid. While I've been blessed with the ability to write music that people can relate to, it's something I originally created out of spite, and out of desire for attention. Part of growing up is letting those things go.

Does that mean I'm letting it all go? No. I cannot waste my talent. But there are other ways to pursue it.

On another note, I spoke with my management team again today, and there's no news. Yaaaawn. I'm sick of waiting, really.

Californiaaaaaaaa

Just spoke with the people at GEICO, if I get hired in NY, I can transfer to San Diego, OR get hired "through" New York, FOR San Diego.

Oooooooh so freaking EXCITED!!!!

I'm a bit nervous, not gonna lie, but...ready for a life change!

It'll be on my mind all day, I'm sure : .

BAM! Sunshiiiiiiiiiine

Yesterday, I had the day off. The new school I drove for, OysterPonds in Orient, had no school election day. The other school I drove for, TUCKAHOE, was in school. Had I stayed in Tuckahoe, I would not have been off from work on Tuesday.

My mother asked if I wanted to go to the therapist we have been seeing. We hadn't been there in a few months due to my work schedule, but since I was off, I figured, "why not?"

While we were there, I started talking about how broken hearted I was about losing the kids from my life. How it was, to me, like having 60 little brothers and sisters abruptly removed from your life forever, with no goodbyes (because, as a man who's moved MANY times, I know the reality is that I will likely never see any of these kids again.) The therapist made it clear that I had basically experienced a traumatic incident. The fact that I never got to defend myself made it worse.

While I was speaking with my mom, I made it clear that I hate my job now. It's depressing. I went from dealing with the youthful exuberance and dreams of a ton of kids daily, to driving 7 hours a day with a mute autistic child. I cannot talk. I am lonely.

My best asset is my personality. I'm friendly, I love speaking to people, and I make people feel extremely comfortable within the first few minutes they meet me. I feel like even though being a busdriver isn't the most elite "career", I was still utilizing my skills with a bus full of kids. On a small bus with a kid I can't talk to, I am wasting my life.

My mom told me that Geico was hiring customer service representatives, after hearing of my unsatisfactory view of my job. They were starting at $32,000, with full benefits. This is a great job for a single man.

Today, I put on the suit and tie, put on the charm, and went to Geico. I took a 2 hour test, that included testing my capabilities with computers, as well as a psychological test.

The instructor had us sit in a room while they calculated the scores. After two other people left the room, she called me over.

"You have a phone interview on Monday."

I asked, "did I do well on the test?"

"OH yeah" she said, emphasizing the OH.

I mean, I'm an intelligent guy. I had confidence going in, that I'd be right for this job.

But then, later on in the day, I received this email:

"After reviewing your application I feel you are well suited for a dynamic career as a GEICO Customer Service Professional. I would like to set up an appointment with you to begin the hiring process. Please call the front desk from 8:30 am to 5:00 pm at 516-714-7161 to schedule a convenient time


Salary: $34,000 + Outstanding Total Rewards Benefits Package
Work Schedule: (Full time): Monday – Friday 9:00 am -5:30 pm rotating Saturday every 4 weeks. "

This was from the recruiter himself. I guess they felt my application was awesome, so they're subverting the phone interview, and just getting me started : D !

This is all thanks to God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit...I don't have this intelligence without Him, I don't have this opportunity without Him.

Shit, in the end, I always say, HAVE FAITH, and it pays off. Even in my darkest days, I had faith that God had a plan, and He did. And now, I've got an awesome opportunity, with career potential!

AND not to mention: TRANSFER OPPORTUNITIES TO SAN DIEGO CALIFORNIA!!!!!!!!

Seriously STOKED when I saw that : D !

Watching my soul fly away

I've felt dead this past week. I've felt like a living shell of a body with nothing inside.

Dead at 26, ha.

I wrote a suicide note today. I didn't plan on killing myself, but I wrote it to see how I'd feel.

I can't imagine how the fuck to get out of this rut.

It's really one of the first times I've ever felt like I have no hope. I have no direction.

I'm lost.

I have no passion for anything I do right now.

The world is just getting darker and colder every day.

I feel like I've become black and white, inside and outside.

I don't know what I like, what I believe in (other than God) or what I want. Where I need to go.

It's terrible. I've never felt this way before. Never.

I've never felt better off dead in my life.

We tell people "you have so much to live for", but what?

What is there to live for?

The career I may never know is "for me"? The womAn I'll never meet? To write music that nobody hears?

Nobody knows how I feel inside. Nobody knows that I'm already dead.

I don't know if I'd ever kill myself, although the idea of eternal rest sounds intriguing to me.

Because at this point, I'm close to believing there's nothing in this life that I would miss.

Why tonight?

I know, I type a lot when I have too much on my mind.

I watched a TERRIBLE play at my brother's school. It's supposed to teach kids about bullying, but it totally missed the point.

It focused on a brother and a sister. It made it look like they came from an abusive home.

This was some of the kids on my bus. They had NOBODY that fucking cared man. They had nobody that were showing them anything good in life. And I feel responsible. I feel like I COULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE PERSON TO ENCOURAGE THEM TO STAY STRONG! And I fucking blew it.

I should have known better. I didn't fucking think. I WASN'T FUCKING THINKING.

I feel like if any of these kids one day does something dumb because they have a mom that doesn't love them, or a dad that doesn't care, I COULD have changed it, if only I had still been there and talked some fucking sense into them.

One kid on my bus was CONVINCED that one day he was going to go to prison. He was a 6th grader, with an abusive father. I OPENED his eyes to music. Since then, the kid has put all his energy into becoming a prolific musician.

Who's going to do that now? What busdrivers actually listen to these kids?

HEADS UP TEACHERS: You're not listening to them. HEADS UP PARENTS: You're not listening to them either. How fucking sad is it that the ONLY person who possibly prevented this kid from a criminal life is his busdriver?

I can't stand to watch a car on fire, with victims inside, continue to burn. I've gone way THE FUCK ABOVE my responsibilities to do everything for these kids.

It just hurts. I didn't get to defend myself. It sounds so bad on paper, but in reality, these kids were like siblings to me.

If they weren't, I wouldn't be torn up about this. I wouldn't actually be in emotional pain. I blame myself. Because what if one of these kids becomes BAD because I wasn't there to save them. It's my fault for being cavalier. I wasn't responsible like I should have been. Now, if any of these kids does something bad with themselves, I'm going to blame myself.

: /

One of the kids just wrote me a message on Facebook:

"=( we need u, like u dont understand how much u helped us, me and michelle,
the advice u gave us i dont think were gona ever hear it from someone elses mouth,
like am bout to start crying... lol
like its not fair at all just cuz of one little thing ur not working in sh anymore..? thats so fucking stupid
like everyone loved u here still does, u were mad nice and chill gave the best advice u made us realize how guys really r!!! (dicks)
like i dont know how me and michelle r gona survive without ur advice
but am glad to hear ur ok? "

: (

Lonely

My new run is a small bus. I drive to Orient Point every day, two times a day. For people who don't know Long Island, Orient Point is the very end of Long Island, on the North Fork. It's about 75 miles away from my house, and maybe 60 away from the bus yard. There is one kid on the route, an autistic kid who doesn't speak.

I went from being the hero, the role model, the "big brother" of 60 kids to a nobody, who drives a bus on a long, beautiful and peaceful route. I spend 7 hours a day driving, most with no noise. No kids excited to see me. No kids talking to me who need direction from the parents they don't have. No kids asking me to help them with their homework. No kids asking me to read them stories. No girls asking me what types of dudes to stay away from. No dudes asking me how to get over girls. Nothing.

Seriously, I'm in pain. I've lost my family. It breaks my heart. THe more I think about it, the more I want to fucking cry about it.

For some of these kids, I was the only fucking person who believed in them. I was the only fucking person who cared about their day. For some kids, I helped them see the silver lining in the clouds.

I'm trying not to think about it man. I have to just forget it. But you watch these kids grow up, and you never see them again, and then it's like being punched in the stomach every time you think about it.

I wish I could fight it. I really do. I told my boss, let me speak with the principal, let me speak with the school board, let me speak with the parents. I understand though. She's a business woman. This isn't good for her business. She's gotta do what they want.

So now, I get to spend 7 hours a day driving in the peaceful countryside of Long Island. "Wine country" as they call it. North of the Hamptons. It's beautiful. But it's just me. And nobody else.

Sunshine behind the storm

It was a terrible week. It really was. A nightmare week.

I lost my bus run. I kept my job, but lost my love for it. I'm making way less money, but still trying to trust that behind it all, there is a bright and shining sun.

I treated all the kids like they were little brothers and sisters to me, and in the end, it became a problem. I allowed kids to get away with too much, and it wound up nearly costing me my job. One parent spun one small thing into a major problem. I let a kid on the bus without a note. Oh, and apparently when kids were climbing on me, it doesn't bode well for a male bus driver. Sometimes the kids would sit in the seat with me (while the bus was parked at the school) and pretend to be a busdriver. I used to let them sit in the seat by themselves but one almost hit the emergency breaks.

People look at it in a different way though, when you get too close with the kids. It makes sense, I understand, but I never thought about it that way. There are sick people in this world. The saddest thing for me is the fact that these kids meant the world to me, and any possibility that thoughts went thru my bosses head that I would ever do anything to hurt the kids actually makes me physically sick. I felt like vomitting when my boss talked to me and said "The Principal said one of the kids was sitting on your lap in the bus seat (while the bus was parked at the school)". It made me sick because I finally realized how this was being twisted. I can't defend the fact that I didn't throw the kid off of my seat. I just looked at them all like they were family members, and that was the problem.

It almost reduces me to tears. It makes me want to give up. It makes me want to hit the reset button on my entire life. I hate the idea of suicide, really, but last week, the idea of ending it all crossed my mind a few times. I lost everything. I lost what's been my identity the last few years. I was a hero to these kids. And now, I have no idea how they perceive me.

Their perception: "male bus drivers are pedophiles". Apparently, according to my co-worker, this is a perception some people have. This makes me want to quit the job even more. It's a DISGUSTING fucking stereotype. It pisses me off because I want to murder all pedophiles. If it were up to me, I wouldn't just kill them, I would torture them to death. They are the absolute SCUM of this fucking earth, the biggest pieces of shit. They ruin lives, they ruin families. I hope they all go to fucking hell. And I can't even type these words thinking that anyone could possibly put me in that fucking light. It makes my entire body want to vomit out of every sweat gland. I feel weak writing these words. And whenever I heard about scumbags like this in the news, it made me think, if anyone ever did anything to my kids, I would murder them. I don't even care.

I fought so hard for the run I have, and I've done so much to work with the kids on my bus to better their lives. Like when one kid talks about how he can't wait to get out of prison when he's older, because he's convinced he's heading that way, and I encourage him to find his creative side (music). When one kid talks about killing himself, and I tell him to use the negative energy to better himself and find passion in something that will make him better in life. When a 5 year old girl on my bus jumps up on me and curls up in my lap and I yell "What do I look like, a COUCH?!?!?!" and she says "no, you look like my daddy" and sounds like she's ready to cry. It breaks my heart that I was the only positive male influence in this poor girl's life, so I always made sure that every day I asked her how her day was, so she felt like somebody gave a shit. When one kid is frightened to go home with an older boy who lives at her home, and I report it to the school nurse, worried that something wrong is going on. Apparently, the child's home had CPS called 4 or 5 times, and the claim was somewhat legitimate. The kid moved out a week later. Did I change something? WHO THE FUCK KNOWS!?! BUT WHO THE FUCK ELSE would have paid attention to the lives of these kids?

I always went ABOVE and beyond at my job. The parents loved me, the kids loved me, the teachers loved me. I did my best to be a positive role model to all these kids. And now, it's all gone.

And in this world where bad things happen, I took pride in being a positive influence in the lives of these kids. I was there for them whenever they were upset. When they looked ready to cry, I may have been the only person to notice. Some of them have no mother. Some of them have no father. I was the closest thing they had to somebody who actually fucking gave a shit.

With all these shitty things, I try looking at the positive. Good things will come. I just gotta keep my chin up and my faith in God. While it emotionally hurts me to watch these kids I've spent the last 4 years watching over disappear, I know it's for the best.

I was getting too wrapped up in "being the busdriver". I loved my job. I considered saying "fuck it" to every other thing in my life, and going nowhere. This is why I lost it all. I think God is trying to tell me to become what I'm supposed to be, and stop trying to fight it.

Not that I'm putting words in God's mouth, but in the back of my head, I knew the hours I worked were preventing me from pursuing my dreams, and my creativity. God gave me the ability to write music and make cartoons for a reason. I never would have quit my job, or given up my 37.5 hour run, so this was the only way it could have happened. So now I lose the $700 pay check after taxes. It's reduced to anywhere from $300 -$400 a week. It FUCKING sucks. But there is a reason, and God knows what it is, but I don't. I just have to find it.

And I tried fighting it. Apparently, the day after it happened, I had to be suspended for administrative reasons. But the school STILL was undecided on whether or not they wanted me back. I think in the end they knew it was an honest oversight, and I just wasn't thinking. It took them 2 days to tell my boss they didn't want me driving the bus for their school anymore. I wanted to come to the school and talk to the Principal, but they didn't take me up on my offer. I would have fought to kept this run tooth and nail. But he's got a job to do too, and I understand why I have to go.

So since I never said goodbye to these kids, I wish the fucking best for them. I hope all these kids chase their fucking dreams and become world leaders and role models, and Doctors and make hundreds of millions of dollars. I hope these kids always remember me as somebody who inspired them to be the best they could be in this life. They're so young, and the whole world is right in front of them, and they have the ability to write amazing stories. I hope they all do this. And who knows? If for whatever reason, one day I'm famous, and one day my words become big, and everyone reads my journal, I hope they know that I want them all to become fucking AMAZING in life! And I hope they see that this was written the week I "never saw them" again. I don't want them to think I just left and said "fuck it", because it all happened so fast. But as long as they believe in themselves, they can do anything they want. And I hope the absolute best for them all!

It makes me emotionally hardened. I'm not going to lie. I've had my heart broken by people, girls and friends, in the past, but losing what you consider family is the worst loss possible. I've seen these people every day for almost 3 years straight. I've watched them grow up. And now, I will no longer see them.

I think all this has helped me focus on business more. Because business is ruthless. Losing "family" makes me feel ruthless inside. So maybe this is what I need.

Losing Faith

Not in God, more in dreams, my purpose in life...etc.

I don't know what I want anymore. I feel like every dream of mine, and my passion for my dreams is hanging by a thread, barely.

And I can't re-ignite passion if it's something I don't believe in!

Insecurity

It seriously bothers me that I look like shit compared to when I was 18. I don't tell the whole world this, but it fucking sucks. My whole life, I always had great hair, and now it looks like it's been chewed up by a vacuum and spit out.

It's like an identity that I lived with my first 22 years is really starting to turn for the worse. It hasn't changed in about 4 years, but I hate the way it looks, and I don't know if it's going to get worse or not.

I hate sounding like a bitch because some people have it worse, but I have to get it out. I don't look beautiful like I used to, and it's all because of my fucking hair. And the worst part is, the more I lose, the more I'll NEVER get back. This 1 life, those 22 years of having a full head of hair, are ALL over and they're never coming back for me. It's adjusting that I need to force myself to face, but I can't. Because I'll always be reminded that I used to look better.

I wish I could scrape it out of my mind, but the fact remains that I'm 26 and counting, and this year just shot by so fucking fast...

I talk too much, I don't sleep enough

My sleep apnea is slowly killing me. I just got health insurance though, and hopefully, I can get it fixed within the month. It's not diagnosed, so technically, it's not a "pre-existing condition".

Whenever I go to sleep, I wake up minutes later because I choke. I stop breathing. It's a real condition. And it results in me being tired as hell all day, every day. I have no energy.

I wonder how awesome it would feel to have a full night of sleep, and have energy the next morning, all day.

And when I feel empty inside, I realize I write too much.

I tried reading some of my old blogs, but I couldn't. This is therapy. It feels like 85% of these words are words I write just to feel like they're being said, whether or not they mean anything.

I read my old blogs. When I was desperate to be a rock star, and this blog was intended to be public. I wasn't real. I didn't even divulge how I felt about being deployed to Kuwait. I just said "the worst thing possible happened to me." I don't know why I hid that shit.

I really don't give a fuck anymore. What successful musician does?

My music is all negative now, at least that's how it feels. Too much "positivity" and "happiness" in the music scene nowadays.

But not negative in an emo sense. Maybe more negative in the mind of someone who's just fucking insane.

These words mean nothing, I'm just fucking typing because I don't know what else to do right now.

I didn't want to go out because I've done that for the past few weeks, and that shit sucks. I talk to girls, deal with douche bag guys and in the end, it's just a waste of fucking gas. What's the point?

Heart Attack

I've got my chest screaming out and nobody can hear it. I'm in fucking pain, and nobody knows it.

I need my guitar like a heroin-addict needs the syringe. I have to just let it out, but I can't fucking get it out.

We'd blow the stars apart

I like to pretend to believe in crazy things sometimes. Like innocence. I like to pretend sometimes that I still have that boyhood innocence inside of me. When I believed I'd find a Princess someday, and that she'd love me like crazy, and I'd love her back, and it'd be like one of them story book romances. I actually used to believe that "true love" existed in this world.

Now it's a proposition that shoots fear through my spine: what if I was wrong? What if the "story book" true love actually does exist, and my negative maxims condemning it's possibilities are just words of a bitter fool?

Have I done too much to fuck myself up? Would anybody with whom that "love" can exist want a person like me?

I mean, I wouldn't even want me.

All I have to offer is passion and a promise to be scared of commitment.

Me and Antonia hung out last Saturday, and we made out. It was her being drunk, and being open with the fact that she's still not over me, and yet I don't understand. I don't get what the fuck it is about her that "loves" me. Maybe it's because I can't love her back, and I've been honest about it. Maybe it's my capriciousness that added flavor to her otherwise noisome lifestyle. (fucking vocabulary words tonight man) I always kept her on the edge of her seat.

And now, I'm taking a turn for the world of shallowness and fame. I signed my first contract today. Now, I have to do all the shallow things that any "real" celebrity should have: being in shape, getting extensions and shit, looking all sexy...

It one day may get me all the girls in the world, but down inside, I'll still just be a lonely pile of nothing.

Nobody can understand me. Shit, I can't even understand myself. How the hell can a woman handle this man, when this man can't even explain himself?

So, that being said, I like to escape to my dreaming mind. I like to pretend that me and the girl who may never exist are like 2 lost souls that nobody understands, and we're flying around the galaxy, out shining all them fucking stars. Creating fireworks and magic in a galaxy that conjures wonder from observers, we'd give them sights they never seen before. And we can swing under hammocks that we're hanging off the edges of stars, laughing away at the earth. "Nobody in this fucking world ever understood us, but we somehow understand each other. We finally make sense!" Shit, we were nobodies, we were nothings to the black and white talking heads living to die on this earth. And now, we're fucking invincible. In the horizon that escapes to eternity, littered with the sparkle and shine of the millions of stars, and hundreds of dreamers that came before us.

IF I COULD ONLY TOUCH HER IT WOULD EXIST! There's no doubt in my mind. Call me crazy, call me a liar, but love, feelings, emotions, that shit NEVER has to make sense. The only thing that RUINS love is our subjective mentalities. When we question the passion, and grow scared of its power. Because in love, we do crazy things we never expected. But when we think about it, we live less, and the love soars lower and lower. Sometimes just letting it happen is the way to go...

So here's to hope. Hoping that in 6 months from now I'll have some clarity, and that shit will be moving in the right direction. I've been singing the same tune for too long now.

Here's to faith: Faith that no matter what, God will provide. Faith that no matter what, things will work out the way they're supposed to. I've never questioned that theory!

I believe, without a doubt in my mind, that things will turn out the way they're meant to be. Call me fucking insane, but when it happens, you'll be astonished that I was right all along.

Circles

Back to depression...

I don't know why. I don't know what's causing it. I just feel alone. I feel like nobody understands.

My obsession with different women and different faces and new women and new faces stems from something, and I don't fucking know what. And maybe it's why I'm depressed.

Cause I'm shit. I'm the one that's not worth keeping. I'm the flame that keeps them warm, and as I get bored, so do they.

I'm not worth fighting for.

I guess in the end, all I can do is hold on to the moment, pretend I'm in love and then prepare to let it all go.

Can't sleep...

I tried going to bed early, and I woke up about 1:45 AM. Ah, whatever! I'll be back to normal soon!

I woke up this morning wondering, basically, what the hell is going on?

I thought I was supposed to have a big meeting in regards to my cartoon this week, but I haven't heard from my managers. I told them I dropped off the contract, but I never did, so I guess I'm waiting for them to call me with any news.

I didn't NOT drop off the contract on purpose, I just forgot, and kind of remembered now.

I'm never sure which way to go, and I'm always worried that signing over a portion of my creative rights will remove my ability to do anything in classic DIY style.

And one of my managers keeps calling me Frank. Actually, we had a meeting last week, and I could have sworn I caught him call me Frank for the second time, so I was like "Dude, my name is FRED!" but in a laughing way. It turned out to be a really awkward moment, one that I left the house feeling weird about. But then the next time I was on the phone with him, he did it again! He called me Frank!

People calling me Frank doesn't bother me as much as the concept behind it. The name Frank reminds me of a dirty old ass man, not that the name Fred brings any more beautiful pictures to mind. Plus, it's just laziness. People have actually called me "Frank" on Facebook, in a comment column. How hard is it to read where it says "Fred"? I mean, it's not hard to memorize.

Really, it doesn't bother me that much. But when it keeps happening, especially from the manager of my "band", it's like dude, I'm an artist working with you to make money, and you know my name isn't Frank! Eh, it happens.

Anyway, I woke up, and had no texts from anyone. No girls, no dudes, no nobodies. It bothers me, and I don't know why. Because when I do have texts from girls that I'm "seeing", I get annoyed and bored fast. Most of the dudes I get texts from are fucking losers who don't have a car.

I guess that's the downside of waking up in the middle of the night. You didn't plan it, and you don't know what the hell you're supposed to do. Just think! Watch some TV maybe.

I'm supposed to start working on the second episode of my cartoon, but I haven't yet. I'm supposed to finish the music on my first episode, but I haven't even been able to touch it. I guess these would all be proactive things to do now, right? Haha

I fail to persist, therefore, I fail...

The last 2 weeks have gone by, and so have 2 relationships. No, we were never anything official. We were just "seeing" each other. And then somehow, I got bored. Or they got bored. Or we both got bored.

So what is worth holding onto? Is anything in this life solid? Does love exist, or is it just a feeling we use to express 'want" and "desire" and when we get it, does it disappear?

It's a curious thought. Because animals don't display love towards each other, but yet as humans, we do.

Oh boy...

I have copied these texts word for word...

"Lol. Mab she will get divorced so she can hang ov w u. Haha. Mish left. Im a lil sad. But hey i gota give tryst a bath. tx me later."

"Yeah, i went 2 bed at 830 and wk up at 630. but i have 2 go 2 the libray 2 do something. so since im not going 2 tx n drive ill tx u l8r."

Ya know, there's a reason that in relationships, there should be a "getting to know each other" phase. Being drunk and half-awake for 2 days with a hot girl means realizing the next day, when you're fully sober and rested, that the girl could possibly be an idiot.

I woke up this morning and felt that I needed to get rid of both girls I'm involved with. Seriously, what the fuck am I doing? I don't want to marry either one of them. I don't really want to date either one of them!

Shit!

I couldn't help but laugh to myself.

I took some solace in the fact that although me and Heather slept together Thursday night, while she was gone all weekend, she didn't really text me/call me once. I figured the girl, with her short attention span, must have been flirting with dudes, and getting close with dudes...etc. while she was away. I was kind of hoping she'd come back and be like "I found some dude at camp!"

Me and Laura hung out again last night, and we were supposed to hang out again tonight, but she had stayed up almost 40 hours straight and wanted to go to bed. I think at this point it's safe to say we're infatuated with each other. Just looking at her face, dude it's like black magic or something. She's got the body and face of a temptress, and down inside she looks like she's crazy, having the ability to kill a man, but something about that turns me on so much. She's devoted to God and to Jesus, but like any other human being, enjoys the feeling of another human physically satiating them.

And the way she kisses me. Yeah, she's a great kisser, but it's the way her body moves. The way her lower back twists in the palms of my hand, opposite of how her face slants to kiss me. She's like a woman predator, convinced she's always in control, meeting a man who refuses to let her be in control, and keep her in her place.

It's SO fucking sexy. Dude like, my body, when it's around her, is like desperate for her. It's a fight to keep the "game" face on (which she admitted, she WANTS me to keep playing lol) with occasional mumblings of "holy shit you're fucking beautiful girl" in my passionate stylings. The way her body moves when I touch it...AHHH!

Shit, I gotta stop. Heather came home from her weekend trip tonight. But like I said, I figured she was flirting with other dudes, and we were gonna be kind of like "separated" when she came back. No. She didn't get that memo. She came to my house, without fucking texting me.

It kind of pissed me off, because look, when I've decided I'm "seeing" someone, I don't like being involved with other people unless there's reason for me to be. (ie: the girl is seeing other dudes too, it's about to end...etc.) And that's kind of what happened with Heather. The more I saw about her, the more I disliked. I guess when a woman is selfish, in my eyes, it's not a healthy relationship. I want it to be mutual. I didn't like that she came to my house, because I didn't have enough time to think about how to tell her I'm not interested anymore. Do I just be honest and break her heart? Or do I sugar coat it?

So do I stay loyal to the relationship that started fleeting Thursday, or do I find new options, and find something that suits me best?

We live once. There's only one option within that philosophy.

I just made sure we didn't kiss. She kept trying to touch me, although I kept my distance. But I wouldn't let her kiss me. I was like "yo my breath stinks" and so did hers to be honest. And as she was there, I just kept seeing like a ghost of Laura. I just want her bad. It's like cocaine.

Love binge, followed by "What the hell happened?"

Friday night, I hung out with a girl, who the previous week, I was highly intrigued by. She's cool, but she has small things about her that may wind up turning into big things. For example, her propensity to eat out every single day, followed by her idea that the man should always pay. I don't mind taking care of a girl, trust me. But at this point, I need a woman. Someone who understands why grown ups don't eat out every single day. Eating in is WAY cheaper!

Plus, she was "selfish" in ways I shouldn't divulge on an online blog. But at the same time, it's my own personal journal, so what the hell does it matter? I mean, things went down, and she worried more about herself than me. She said it like, it was HER night, but in my mind, that's a sign of things to come. Selfish people are a major turn off for me. That mixes in with her money thing too.

She went away over the weekend, and on Friday night, I was at home working on my computer about 2am, when I got a call from my brother (who was home from Brooklyn for the weekend.) He called me to tell me he was bringing a girl home, who had a sister who thought I was hot.

So I had to get up, shower, and get ready. I threw on my game face fast. They walked in, and holy shit, this girl was smooooking! She was 5"8, but looked taller due to the way her body formed. She had long tan legs, long arms and a magical face, with exotic eyes and a perfect smile. She's 27, turning 28 in November, and when I found out she was a Scorpio, I was like "Yeah dude, me and you have no shot!"

In the past, I would have been intimidated, and fucking BOMBED this one. But it was easy. I was just myself, and I casually let myself flirt with her, and act like I wasn't interested at all. I had the whole room talking with the personality tests, and she actually answered the psychopath one wrong! At one point, I decided to get a female opinion on whether or not it's appropriate to tell a girl if she SUCKS at kissing.

Later on, she confessed "I wished you would have shown me how bad of a kisser she was."

Eventually, my brother and his girl left to get more beer. Me and this girl Laura, stayed at home, and she wanted to show me something. But it was something kind of crazy, and she was getting a second thought about it, when I said, "Dude, instead of just jumping the gun, how about we kiss first so it feels like we worked up to it?"

She could kiss! She was a fucking awesome kisser! And yo, I was mad happy, because I've been on a good streak lately of girls who know how to use those lips. Of course, I am the best kisser in the world, so the girl couldn't stop kissing me.

And for the record, I don't just assume this shit. And I don't do the retard thing, where some people will be like "Do you think I'm a good kisser?" and the girl will say "yeah!" to be nice. I find out these answers in one of the ways that HERESY is legally admitted in a court room: through an emotional, unintentional outburst! 8 times out of 10, in a moment of passion, a girl will say something, during our making out, along the lines of "Oh my God. You are a such a good kisser" or "I love the way your breath smells", or make one of those insanely passionate sighs of romance. It's really not hard to do, most people just don't know how to move their damn lips!

As the night moved on, it got to 5am. Then her mom called. Oh yeah, here's the catch. The girl has a kid. A 9 month old. At this point, the two girls had to get home and take care of the baby. But they wanted to hang out more. They said the best way to put him to sleep was to drive around. So they picked us up, to come back to their house and drink beer in their jacuzzi.

It was nice, in a spontaneous, romantic kind of way. It was funny though, that me and my brother were hanging out with two sisters in their jacuzzi and making out with them while drunk. At one point Jeremy said "Dude, we should switch!" and I laughed. Eventually, the two of them went inside, presumably to have sex. Me and Laura just chilled in the jacuzzi more, and just kept kissing/talking...etc. She had the baby monitor next to her, and eventually went inside, after we had been in the jacuzzi til about 9am.

Her baby woke up, and we struggled to stay awake playing with the child. But then I started noticing something. As I watched how she interacted with her baby, I started to see that perhaps, dating a girl with a child could be the way to fit my desire for my definition of "love": To have feelings for a girl that never feels the same way about you.

She could never love me more than her child, and rightfully so. But at the same time, it's healthy, because it's not with another man, it's with her kid. Eventually we went to sleep, and to be honest, I probably overstayed my welcome, but I was drunk and incoherent, and the girl was still kissing me with crazy passion. I figured you could read "overstayed welcomes" based on someone's body language.

But while we were sleeping in her bed, and I looked at her sleeping, it was so hard for me not to grab her and kiss her. She was gorgeous. And I just wanted to touch her, and taste every inch of her. But she was a mom, and her baby was in the room, and she wasn't sleeping because she wanted to, she was sleeping because she needed to. At one point, she got up and had to breast feed her baby. I should have been sleeping, but I just watched. (not in a perverted way, I had already seen her breasts) I was amazed at how she flipped the switch from "lover" to "mother" with no hesitation. And part of me wished I could touch her, but I couldn't. She was with her child.

Eventually, I woke up, and she drove me home. Her mom invited me back for dinner, at which point, I was able to clean up and give her a view of how good I can look when I try. It was good, but her sister had a friend named "Aurora" come over, who was pretty damn attractive. But the girl wouldn't stop staring at me. Laura was getting pissed, digging her claws in already.

I cut the night short. I was exhausted, and I had already spent an insane amount of time with this girl on the first day I met her. As I left, we kissed for like 3 minutes. It's hard leaving somebody you have so much physical chemistry with.

At this point, I don't know where to go. Now that I'm awake, and have a clear mind for the first time in an entire day, I don't know how to progress with her. I said all the drunk promises that a love-hungry man would say, and she accepted them. And when I said them, I wasn't lying, I meant them. But I'm an Aquarius, and those feelings change so fast.

I wouldn't mind chilling with her again, ever. I just don't know how to handle a mom. And I don't know what way is what.

Opportunity!

It's not even knocking, IT'S RAMMMING my door down!

No matter what happens, it will all be good!

I'm being handed a chance to live out my dreams! AHHHH I'm so excited!

The Ferris Wheel

When I was 17, I rode the Ferris Wheel at Cedar Point.

And I looked out onto the horizon on a beautiful summer day. As I saw the blue sky border the blue water, I realized my entire future lay ahead of me.

There were pages and pages of no words. I was on my seventeenth chapter, and I was ready to author my way to the top of this world. With the world in my grasp, entering my senior year in high school, the future was sunny. It was unwritten, but I was ready to write the Hollywood story: the boy that nobody believed in, became something.

But as the years go by, the plot changed.

My plans, my goals in this life went ignored. I strove for dreams, and I gave up. I half heartedly watched every band I tried for fail. I broken heartedly watched as every woman I truly loved, left.

I joined the military, and made what seemed to be the biggest mistake of my life.

This past weekend, I went to Cedar Point, and across from me sat somebody who I wished wasn't there. A female who I had no feelings for. A female who was completely representing "giving up" in my mind. As I sat in the Ferris Wheel, where my 17 year old phantom once sat, my 26 year old body felt like throwing up.

This isn't how my life was supposed to be fucking written! Are you fucking kidding!?! For the love of Christ, I'm fucking 26, and I'm a God damn nobody! My youth is fading faster and faster, and in the blink of an eye, I'm another year older! How the fuck do I stop!?! HOW DO I STOP TIME!?!!

I see myself in the mirror, and my hair is growing thinner, and my hairline moving back further. Sure, I'm being dramatic, but my body is gaining weight. I'm becoming ugly. I used to fucking turn heads. I used to make girls feel nervous! And now, I'm a 26 year old, out of shape asshole with the face of a boy. I have no friends, and if I died tomorrow, there'd be more people pretending to be upset about my death for personal attention than those who are authentically distraught!

I wanted to vomit. It was too reflective for me. It disgusted me. Here I was, almost a decade later, with a fat girl. Here I was, with EVERYTHING that I DON'T want in this fucking life. Here I was, with a girl who made me sick to my fucking stomach. Oh my God, she has hairy fucking arms! Oh my God, her arms are fucking bigger than mine! HOLY SHIT, she has fucking side burns.

Dude, I seriously want to throw up. This all started because I was fucking horny, and now look where I am. I'm desecrating a sacred spot. A spot where my 17 year old cavalier spirit sat and dreamed impossible, BEAUTIFUL dreams while getting lost in the crystal clear blue water. And now here I am, saying to myself:

"Hey asshole, I achieved NONE of those fucking dreams! I did fucking NOTHING with my life! I'm 26, with 23.5 college credits, and I'm spending my life tearing down my debt! And I'm going to be 27 in 5 months, and guess what? That's 3 years till you're 30 and a NOBODY!"

And where I used to be a ladykiller, I'm fucking pathetic with women. And now here I am, settling for my last resort, stuck with a girl that disgusts me. Am I fucking kidding? What the FUCK am I doing?

HOW THE FUCK DID I LET MYSELF GET HERE!?!?!?!?!

Oh Jesus Christ! Help me!


----


And I let the negativity pass me by. I let the past pass me by. And for the first time, I start to feel victorious. Dude, my life isn't over. I'm not a fucking nobody.

I'm almost finished with a cartoon that took me 6 months to complete! Who the fuck has ever done that BY themselves?

I have a celebrity guest appearance by All Time Low. They don't even know they're in this fucking cartoon. If nobody wants to sign me, THAT ALONE will garner a ton of attention.

I'm blown away, literally BLOWN AWAY, at how well I feel these characters are individualized. I can't stop laughing watching the shark talk in the third person. I can't stop laughing watching the way the Flamingo emotes, and the way he follows trends.

I'm 26. Some people don't truly succeed until 40. Dude, this life isn't over. This life is just fucking beginning. Are you kidding? I can conquer this world with this cartoon. I can build myself a fucking empire! It just took me longer than some people.

So sure, maybe some of the people I knew at 17 are already beginning their careers. And maybe some of them are way further ahead than me.

And the friends I don't have, dude, when this cartoon blows up, do I seriously believe that I'll still be "friendless"?

And all the girls I fail with, dude, when this cartoon blows up, do I seriously believe that I'll give a shit that Suzie Q. Nobody rejected me for a better looking guy?

It's fucking sacrifice. I've given up everything I have to make this shit work. I haven't hung out with friends in so long. The only time I've gone out is with a female, as I try to cope with these mommy issues and build a better me.

Dude, this fucking LIFE is MINE to grab! It's MINE to dictate!

I AM NOT GIVING UP ON THIS FUCKING DREAM!

This cartoon WILL succeed. I don't care if it takes 1 year, 2 years or fucking 10 years! I will use this cartoon to build my bedroom looking over the Pacific Ocean. And when I'm living that dream life, and partying with my new SoCal friends over those golden Pacific sunsets, and falling in love under those starry desert nights, all the bad memories that took me here will be a fucking blur.

The years of 18-21, DESPERATELY trying to get over Jenna, desperately trying to be famous, desperately failing, and working 80 hours a week for almost 3 years, as my hairline existed in it's fully youthful state for the final time. I lost all my friends because I worked. I sold out.

Then the years of 21-23, DESPERATELY waiting for my prison sentence in the military to end. Regretting that I let a girl persuade me to join the military and then watching the fucking cunt cheat on me while I was in bootcamp. Questioning my true desire to "die for this country" and KNOWING there was a bigger purpose for me, but unsure of what!

Then the years of 23-26, DESPERATELY wishing Sarah would break up with her boyfriend, and finally getting over her. Trying to build a band, and live my dream as a rockstar and having ABSOLUTELY no luck. Getting the worst possible band members, having NO ability to connect with any musicians. Having the WORLD promised to me, and then losing EVERYTHING I have, my band, my family, my car, my money! Dude, it was all gone.

But it's okay. It's all FUCKING good man! This shit is going to change for the better! Sometimes you have to get the living shit kicked out of you before you realize your purpose. Sometimes you have to be staring straight down the barrel of a 9 millimeter beretta pistol in a guard tower at 3am, wondering if it's possible to get to heaven through suicide. Sometimes you have to be driving a car under a night sky, praying to God that somehow he'll show you the way, and somehow things will work out.

Sometimes you have to have NO friends. Sometimes you have to have ABSOLUTELY NOBODY that gives a fucking shit about you. Sometimes you have to be the "second best" option for another fucking STUPID bitch that picks a better looking dude over you.

And it's okay. It's all okay. The storm is almost over. All of this pain will be worth it. These years of nothing. These pointless years.

----

When I was 17, I dreamed. When I was 26, I sat next to my 17 year old phantom and said to myself "Kid, someday you'll see your dreams change. And one day, you'll accomplish them. But I can't tell you when."

And my 17 year old phantom said to me "Dude, I gotta know one thing; is there anything in the next few years that you would tell me to change? With your wisdom of the future, and the events that unfold, what would you tell me?"

I stopped for a second. And as I saw the emotional pain I incurred upon myself, and the mistake I made joining the military, and the extreme loneliness and depression that these years buried me under, and the nothing I had become, I realized that the dream I'm chasing now, wouldn't exist without the torture.

And I revealed the one truth to my 17 year old phantom. With the power to save him from the pain, I told him "There's nothing I would tell you bro."

And I got off that ride, and let my 17 year old phantom remain on that Ferris Wheel, looking out to the blue horizon, dreaming his 17 year old dreams.

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The next day I went back and said "Wait, there is one thing!"

He said "What?"

I said "Bro, when you're 26 don't go on this fucking trip to Cedar Point! You can do WAY better than the fucking girl you're with!"

THE END