Damn! It's been awhile!

I have no clue why I haven't written a blog in over a month.

For some insanely strange reason, I'm currently way ahead of my bills. I have no clue how the hell that happened. I don't owe the studio a payment until January 15th. That means I'm 3 weeks ahead of schedule. Whatttt?

And speaking of studio, I'm not far from finished with this album. Only 1 song needs work (QUICKSILVER QUEEN) and the rest is just basic editing!

So yeah, when things are good, I write less. I'm feeling happy and inspired : D !

Fun times bro!

Yeah, I've been having a good time working with Joel again. We were practicing LUCKY and SHE NEVER GETS WHAT SHE WANTS yesterday, and it sounded mint. We also finished the back part of the van with ZEBRA carpeting haha.

I'm listening to the SLW unreleased full length, and it's getting me motivated to get back in the studio and finish!

Happy Thanksgiving!

So yeah, yesterday, I spent the majority of the day getting the shaggin' wagon worked on. It still has a ton of work left before it looks anything close to "sexy", but nothing good in life comes easily!

I seemed to have hit 2 major fails with the girls I'm interested in yesterday. Of course, that's just me being optimistic, because my track records with ladies that aren't insane kind of fucking sucks.

1) I sent the teacher a text that said "Yo ______, we should start making some memories some time". I figured it'd be a cute way to say "we should hang out more often!" Normally, she responds to texts in like 5 seconds, so the fact that it's 9:50 the next day means she didn't find it cute. LOL!

2) I brought my sister's manager a "love book" that I made. Basically, it trashed her life with her boyfriend, and showed how a life with me was 50x better. I used words like "Assface" to describe her current boyfriend, without knowing how she actually felt about the kid. She is yet to call the number I left for her in the back.

I actually enjoy speaking of drama like this. I miss it. I read one of my old blogs from 2001, and every day, I was talking about like 5 different girls. I know it makes me seem like "player-player", but it's really not the case. I'd give everyone up for the right girl, which is the one I can't fucking find! Haha. But nowadays, I don't come off as desperate. Like what's the worst that can happen? Number 2 doesn't call me, and what do I lose? We won't be speaking any less than we currently are! Number 1 decides not to date me, and then what? I lose an awesome potential girl, but in the long run, I'm still free to make this music happen!

So last night, being the biggest party night on Long Island all year, me, Jeremy and Joel decided to go out. We went to Half Penny Pub, but Joel doesn't have an ID. 24 years old, he should have been ready for this night! So we went to Dave and Busters, which was DEAD, followed by Applebees which was also DEAD. Yeah, it wasn't as fun of a night as we expected, but any night I go out, I always worry about drinking. I don't want to get behind the wheel thinking I'm sober if my BAC is over .04. That's right, said .04. The legal limit is .08, but for drivers with a Class B, it's .04, and I could get fired if I get popped!

Hopefully me and Joel will start getting tighter.

Oh and btw, my brother is an artist. The kid goes to Cooper Union, the top art school in the country. I wouldn't even give him the title "artist" unless he validated it with such an elite school. Mainly because most artists are a fucking joke. He got into the school bullshitting the judges, and since then, his whole point in art is to make people pissed off, and to show them they're not fucking oppressed. He keeps mentioning how all his art friends suddenly say "I think I'm gay".

Apparently, in the art community, if you're white, you're not oppressed. To become oppressed, you need to become gay. Hence the explanation behind hundreds of thousands of art kids finally becoming "homosexual" although they were born the other way. And lets not get into the debate about "are homosexuals born gay?" Personally, I'm a Christian, and I don't believe a homosexual lifestyle is conducive to what Jesus wants. But at the same time, me saying words like "fuck" and having sex before marriage ALSO aren't conducive to that, so I'm being fair!

But if you want to take the religious aspect out of it, lets go with science and darwinism. In the billions of years of the earth, no other animal species has ever been born "homosexual." Some shit heads point to the "gay penguins" at the Central Park Zoo, which suddenly stopped making news when they "broke up" and went back to being straight. But now, all of a sudden, people are being born gay. Is this evolution? No, because evolution is survival of the fittest, and being gay isn't conducive to survival. You cannot naturally reproduce in a gay relationship! Becoming gay does not ensure your survival. Sure, there's artificial insemination, but do you think these mutated (or evolved for the politically correct) consider that when they decide to pursue the next best step?

Personally, it doesn't bother me. I don't like seeing two dudes make out, because the idea of me kissing a guy makes me want to vomit. It's the same thing if I see someone eating that cheesy rice shit that makes me want to throw up. It's not discrimination, it's a matter of what makes my stomach turn. (And for all you non believers, someone dared me to kiss Joel once. I got close to his face and almost threw up. He had a beard, and his breath smelt like onions. Fucking nasty!)

So do I support gay marriage? Religiously, no. I believe instituting gay marriage is a direct violation of "Congress shall pass no law establishing one religion over another", because by making this law, they are essentially stating that the word marriage can be used to describe homosexuality, while some religions use marriage to describe holy matrimony between a man and a woman. It's not the government's job to decide what the word "marriage" is.

THAT BEING SAID, (and if you're going to quote me, don't be a fuckface and edit this part out), I believe congress should strip the word marriage from it's definition, and change it to unions for all couples. Let the churches decide what marriage is, but as far as government is concerned, man and woman = union. Man and man = union. Woman and man = union.

That also leaves out another important factor; what about people who want to marry their cousins? What about people who want to marry their brother? Sure, incest is fucking disgusting, but if we're going on this "If they're happy let them do what they want", or "if they love each other, that's all that matters", then why the fuck is it our business? Didn't we once label homosexuality as "gross"? Unions should apply to all 2 person unions, regardless of sex, religion, race, or relationship.

When I brought this up to people they said "that's gross", or "the child can have birth defects". Well, a child can also have birth defects when a parents smokes or drinks, yet it doesn't seem to stop them. So then would it be okay for only gay-incest unions? Like brother-brother? Because then they would HAVE to use artificial insemination.

What a stupid fucking argument. What a stupid point. Just make unions legal for all couples, the end. There are too many stupid laws, and it looks like this one is going to be ruled upon by the supreme court. There aren't enough politicians that will have the support of their constituents to pass this through, so they'll do the spineless thing and make the supreme court decide. Fuck this system man...

Make a man shut up, give him a project!

Seriously, since buying this beater van, I haven't had anything to complain about. I want to make this thing look decent. It honestly looked and smelt like shit when I bought it a few days ago, but since then, I've cleaned it, ripped out all the beer-drenched carpet, and started installing foam. Oh, for the record, I have no fucking clue what I'm doing, nor have I ever done this before. But I figure since the van is a beater, what's the worst that can happen?

I'm probably going out with Joel tonight. I know tonight is supposed to be the biggest party night of the year, but whatevs!

2 years ago was the last time Sarah gave a shit about me! So shouldn't it be a celebration of getting abandoned by a woman I thought was the epitome of perfect? Pshhh...Like I said, I have a project now, so I don't worry about shit like being broken hearted.

Plus, she's always got these fucking things in her profile, that make me wonder if she's still dating the kid. Like "some dance to remember, others dance to forget". I guess I could straight up ask her, but I don't know. I feel like a fuck face talking about these things, it makes me feel like a creeper. Thanks you piece of shit-obsessive assholes for making me look like a dick! lol.

I should be out finding someone better, but I'll be honest, I have no fucking clue how to handle this teacher. Do I call her, do I text her, what? She doesn't even need attention, she's a confident woman! I gave my sister's manager a book today that I made for her. It shows what the steps of her life would be with me, versus her current boyfriend.

I don't even know what the fuck I want anymore ha.

Interesting day...

Ugh, I'm feeling so fucking shitty man...

So the day started off with a trip to church. I haven't been in awhile. I was hoping God would speak to me. Maybe say something that would say "yo dude, this is the right path to enjoy life." Cause I'll be honest man, my life fucking sucks lately. I'm lonely as hell, I got no friends, I got jack shit man. And I always say it like it's a joke, but man, it's so fucking true, and so fucking pathetic, it's disgusting. Some days, I have no fucking clue what keeps me hanging on. I really don't.

And the worst part is, when I was like 12-13 years old, I remember thinking to myself "I wonder how my life is going to end?" And I always thought I'd live to be 26, and commit suicide. I just had one of those bad feelings, and worried it'll happen. Because it's almost every day I feel this way. I look at myself, and I try to stop living in the past. I can't. I gave up 7 years of my life, and now here I am: I'm fatter, with a receeding hairline. I used to be good looking. I used to be beautiful. Now I'm a fucking ugly wreck man, and I can't even change it. My hair is thinning every day.

So here comes the message: "The bible says thank God, and he will overflow your cup with blessings!" In fact, the whole service was about how remembering to thank God, and he will bless you so much, it'll be like your stomach is bursting with good shit.

Maybe I missed something. Because I remember when I started doing music again, I was crying in my car and repeatedly saying "thank you God, thanks...etc." and everytime something good happens, I thank God for it. I never ask God for anything, and even recently when I did, it lead to me fucking up my car again, me kicking everyone out of my band, just constant bad shit happening.

So what's the story? Is this a "JOB" situation? Where God takes everything away to test my faith? Because my faith is still strong. I still believe in God, and Jesus despite all the fucked up shit I go through. What am I going to do? Blame them? In some way or another, everything I do is my own fucking fault. But I wonder if shit will keep getting worse from this point on.

And I know one of the messages is "don't focus on what you don't have, focus on what you do have." I guess I struggle sometimes with that, but it's because everytime I see myself, I see ugly. My personality sucks, I'm a lonely fucking scumbag going absolutely nowhere in this life. But I thank God for what I do have, because I know it can be worse.

I just don't understand how it gets better from here. I bet my computer will stop working, my face will get burnt off...etc. I'm not going to stop loving/trusting God. I just have a sick sense of humor in this fucking life.

It's just I'm so tired. So tired of living to die. So tired of doing nothing. So tired of having no energy, no strength. Life fucking sucks. I'm never going to have the ability to date a woman who isn't a fucking psycho. I'm so sick of this shit man, seriously. I hate my fucking life, but I'm thankful for what I have. Am I on crack for saying that? What the fuck dude?

And to make things worse, I go to an engagement party afterwards. THe room was so filled with love, and fellowship, and there I was, the loneliest fucking person in the room. While everyone sat with friends, I sat with my parents like a fucking loser, barely talking to anyone. I played on the open mic. I opened my eyes a few times, and it seemed a bunch of people were really digging the music, but absolutely 0 people came up to me afterwards and said "good", or "you didn't suck!" I don't get it man. It fucking hurt. It was the first time I've played in 6 years, and the first time I've EVER played acoustic in front of people I don't know. And the only people to say anything were my parents who said "you hit every key...etc." But those are my fucking parents.

And the other thing is, at this engagement party, the two people getting engaged, Andy and Linnie, are so perfect for each other. I've never really seen them interact, except that you can just feel the love between them. And while I don't envy it, I WISH I FUCKING HAD THAT WITH SOMEBODY! And it kills me because I'm sick of the psychos, the women lacking confidence. And with this teacher, I don't know what the fuck is going on. It's almost as if, I already get the vibe that she's amazing, so I make myself fail. I know I can't make it with her.

It seems this whole world is against me. I hate it man, I really fucking do. I've got absolutely nothing but music, and even that gets old. I hate my life because I can't change what I hate about myself. And I write these things here because nobody can read them. I don't write them for sympathy, I write them because this is my venting space. Who knows if anyone will ever find this fucking shit?

The only positive today was that the pastor at the church is kind of the manager of his daughter's band. He was talking to me about stuff, and saying things like "yeah, most of these managers out here say shit, but they really have nothing to offer." He wanted to hear my demo. Of course, I thought of it just like the rest of our managers, and with all due respect to the fact that the man is a pastor, most of the managers I've met are fucking jerkoffs.

I checked out his daughter's bands page myspace.com/petrelmusic . They're alright, they could use a good songwriter, but they've got pictures with every major popstar out there. And apparently they opened with Miley Cyrus a week ago, so I mean, this guy appears to have the most legit connections out of anyone so far. It doesn't matter though. It'll be the same bullshit as usual. Oh me of little faith...

Practice again? Yeppppp...

Practicing with Joel today! Pretty excited to be playing with my best friend again. We've got a bunch of other people who contacted me, interested in joining the band, so hopefully it'll all work out!

RRRRRR! >: 0 !

I suck when I meet a woman who is good for me!

I don't know why! I chilled with this girl last night, and at first I was kind of like "yeah man, maybe she's not my type" mainly cause she was a teacher, I was a busdriver, I figured most girls worry about shit like that!

But I always thought the girl was a straight up stunner! And after chilling with her last night, I'm hooked.

And now comes the "my own worst enemy part". The doubt, the "losing myself hoping I can make shit work"....the "she just got out of a 6 year relationship, she probably wants to be single!" part. I guess that's the biggest conflict. Because at this point in my life, I'm not looking for a hook up, or a good time. I want a girl that's going to help me better myself and push me to do the best I can!

Let's face it, I'm getting older man. I can't keep doing this bullshit; dating insane girls that treat me like a scumbag. I'm fucking sick of it man. I know I deserve better, but I think I got the same complex as women that date assholes! I can't keep a good girl, cause who the hell knows why? Must be my approach, the way I talk...or something!

But I don't know. I see the warning signs, and maybe that's why I'm worried about it today. I like taking things slowly, day by day, but this girl is a bomb waiting to happen. She's the type I fall too hard for! ANd don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting here saying "Oh yeah this is what's going to happen...", it's just she's got it in her...mainly because she's not a shitty woman!

So let's watch how fast I blow this shit!

Where to go from here?

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

How the fuck did we get here?

In some bizarre turn of events yesterday, the day ended on a completely high note.

Here's what happened:

-I emailed management company saying "I'm sick of doing nothing, I'm going to pursue all my contacts in order to get ahead in the business."
-In 10 minutes, they called me back, told me that Jimmy (the "guy who wants to be my manager") had been telling them he had put together a band for me and we were showcase ready.
-Later on, the owner of the company called me to ask me 10 million questions about the recording: who played on it, who paid for it, what I paid, what I wrote...etc.
-At the end of the conversation, tells me he had set up a meeting with Universal Republic on Thursday in NYC, and that he was intending to shop our full length album, under the impression that Jimmy ("the guy who wants to be my manager") had a showcase-ready band ready to go!

I took it in stride. It's what I needed, and it happened 10 minutes after I prayed to God that he'd help me out of this rut. So DUHH God answers prayers : D !

8 years ago, if you would have told me this, I'd probably shit my pants. Nowadays, I'm all either/or. I guess if I have to play in a pre-made band, it's what I'll do. I'd rather have people who just want to play music and be famous than dickheads who party/drink/smoke, contribute nothing, but bitch about how they want our songwriting to be a collusive process.

Now maybe God can help me get Sarah out of my head : /

Hate

I hate the fact that there's always something that reminds me of her. Whenever I say "lets forget it", there's always something there to remind me of her perfection. I hate the fact she's still with that fucking dude. I hate the fact that I feel like I can never move on.

I guess a conflicted songwriter is always a good one. But it sucks man. I always get so filled with hope that one day I'll wake up and the nightmare will be over, and I can finally make her mine, and I wish I could make it end.

I really hate the fact that all I fucking do is think about her. Maybe it has to do with my music, because my favorite songs I wrote are about her. Maybe that's why they're my favorite songs. But I hate the fact I'm too loyal to love, because when I love someone, I never want to let them go. And loving someone is "letting them go". And I let her go, but down inside, I feel like I regretted it forever.

"Love" is too overused in our society, and damn, I wish I could erase it. Everytime I see the pictures of her, and her damn smile, I can't help but think how perfect she is, how intelligent she is, how she had the attitude, the strength, and the rare trait of being a respectful woman who can make it in this world with or without anyone. I swear, this girl has a "Something about Mary" syndrome.

And I've lost it all man. How can I let another person do this to me? I let this shit happen, man. After she was gone, I didn't care anymore. It's been a steady decline in my quality of life man. 2 years ago, I came home from the navy, and I had a ton of friends I'd party with. They're all gone. Not because they left, because I let them leave. I just really didn't give a shit. I mean, how can you expect someone to find every walking trait they've ever desired in a female, and then lose it, and still somehow find a reason to want to be alive?

I went from being her lover, to a "great friend", to just a 'friendly face of the past'. And unfortunately, it's all I ever can be anymore. Sure, she'll always look upon me with fond memories because when her "true love" was gone from her life, I replaced him in every way possible, but that's all. What else do I have?

And what killed this? It was the fucking Navy. The god damn mother fucking Navy ruined this. When I got sent to Italy I lost 2 fucking weeks I could have spent giving her every reason in the world why I was the best bet for her life. We had so many things planned, surfing, pumpkin picking, just so many good times, and they'll never happen because the Navy sent me to Italy the one month she happened to come back on Long Island.

God damn, I wish I could forget her. It haunts me man. It seriously hurts in such a good way. Because I love thinking about her, but I have to move on man. I'm gonna be 26.

Today at my school (I'm a busdriver), one of the teachers has been trying to set me up with another teacher there. The teacher came up to me today, and she is stunning. But it's so hard for me to let this go. Maybe I'm scared. I'm scared that one day she'll drop where she's at, and become free, but I'll never be able to catch her.

Alright, I gotta stop living in the past. I gotta stop. It's getting me nowhere.

But I know I won't. Because my mind is an asshole, and I'll still think about her and write songs about her, and make money off of songs I write about her. Fuck man....fuck...

Sell some music yo!

I'm going to start trying to sell my music. At first I was against it, but a combination of being screwed over and being broke changed my mind. I'm sure some of these tool-ass bands in this industry could use my music to get ahead.

If I got real vocals on songs like "FOREVER NEVER ENDS" or "SHE NEVER GETS WHAT SHE WANTS" or even "6TH ATTEMPT" I really think that these songs could be big.

And then I could live life as a songwriter: Waking up whenever I want. Doing nothing all day. Waiting to get paid. The end.

Clueless

Life just seems like such bullshit lately. My life is just so pathetic it's disgusting. I can't even write the details here because it's so fucking embarrassing.

Blah blah blah

Yeah, I know, this is twice in a day. I'm just really happy about the way this song sounds so far. : D

I wrote a beautiful song today

I wanted an acoustic song for this album, and generally, it's rare for me to write a song that I expect to be on an upcoming album, but I'm extremely happy with it. I sing a bit differently than most of my songs. It's about me being called to Kuwait mixed with fear, and praying to God that I could relive the best days of my life one more time before I'm taken to heaven. Of course, it sounds like a bumble fuck here.

I start it by saying "Dear Jenna". Because she inspired me to write this again. Her inspiration was dead to me, but after seeing the video again, I'm feeling partly alive, and I'm using it to script something sweet.

I don't worry what people think when they hear I write songs about them, or find out that I have incredibly deep emotions for them when they hear the songs anymore. To me, they are already nothing but a sweet memory. What's the worst that can happen? By them hating the song/hating me, it could never change their memory, or what it meant to me, or what the songs represents.

So write away : ) !

Elated, inspired...shitttt

I found a tape today of Noon to Five recording our "ablum" in the studio in 2002. It was awesome to see me look young, with my full head of hair, and frosted tips. Dude, I looked sexy!

Anyway, there was a part where Jenna came by, and we taped it. I swear, I couldn't stop smiling. In the video I kissed her, and then wiped her lipstick on my shirt and she yelled at me. That was pretty much the extent of it, 30 seconds long. I had lost all inspirational feeling in my songs LUCKY, FREE, 6TH ATTEMPT and others that I had written about her. But watching this, it almost took me back.

See, she's become nothing but a picture on facebook. Another random friend that I rarely speak with. And to hear her voice again, and to see me kiss her, when I was actually in love with the girl was unreal. It was almost like living in the past. It brought back a couple of the old feelings. It made me remember what she meant to me.

And yes, it makes me feel lucky. Lucky to have her in my life. Lucky to have found another girl I had been in love with (Sarah), and maybe hope that one day I'll find someone else. I wish I could just escape my past sometimes. It's really hard though. Because things were magic back then. I was still half-innocent. Even though I already had sex, I was still ignorant to the ways of this world. I knew nothing except for my big dreams. Then to find out the realities or pursuing those dreams, it makes you older.

It's so much easier when you're 18 and on the brink of eternal freedom. But the freedom quickly becomes anchors by the ways of this world. There is no more magic. There is no more looking at a woman, being trapped by her beauty, and imagining that her kisses taste like strawberries, or that she always smells like marshmallows. Okay, I know this sounds incredibly stupid, but when I was young, I never realized that females are humans too. Being inexperienced, you just assume they are some sort of magical creature that has amazing hygiene and tastes like all the sweet things you could imagine!

Then working took it's toll. Working for only 40 hours at first for 7 bucks an hour in September of 02. Slowly that became 60 hours at 9 bucks. Then 65 hours at 10 bucks. I pursued the band until I heard our full length and realized we sucked. That's when I quit Noon to Five in October. Me and Jenna stopped talking by then. She had gone to college, and upon her return trip home, I went out to a nice dinner with her parents, and ruined everything. I was devastated. I was legit in love with this girl. I figured somehow, someway, we'd be married some day. She had the attitude, the intelligence, everything I ever wanted. And I blew it.

Her loss in life inspired me to write songs that I had never written before. LUCKY (the name of this album) in January 03, followed by FREE, 6TH ATTEMPT, NY SCREAMS throughout the year. Eventually she spoke to me again, as I started slowly getting lost in the material things of life. Wanting nicer cars, more CDs, a new guitar...etc. I always wanted more. And the more I wanted, the more I wasted my 18 and 19 year old youth working hours and more hours and more hours. WHen I was fired from the job at 20, it seemed like the 2 years had been a dream. It was over. But Jenna and I had started talking again. We hung out for the last time in July 2004. It was the last time I ever saw her, but the wind still whispered her melodies, and the songs still remained to remind me of the magic.

Then I committed suicide. I dated "Kankles", the worst mistake of my life. While I worked for the next year at a new deli, nearly 80 hours a week, spending money on crap and her, I wasted more of my life until 21. So since 18, I had spent 3 years working my ass off, with nothing to show for it. I made money to spend on crap. My hairline slowly receded.

I joined the Navy in 2005 because "Kankles" wanted me to have a career so we could get married and have kids. It was the worst mistake of my life. Because the Navy years were just a big nightmarish blur that resulted in a "General under Honorable" at the end of my contract that I had lived up to. It was bullshit, really. It will turn into honorable soon. Me and her got to the stage most couples take 40 years to get to, in about 8 months. There never was any fire, or any passion. Most of the relationship, I thought of Jenna. Eventually I stopped.

When I finally escaped her in 2007, I dated Amelia, the biggest lesson I've ever learned: don't judge a book by it's cover. This girl was stunningly gorgeous, but turned out to be the biggest, evilest bitch I had ever met. Completely insane psycho. I finally got out of active duty that June, and came home. Sarah called me to tell me that she had broken up with her boyfriend. We just hung out at first. And I fell in love with her because he was trying to pursue her.

She brought back the magic feeling again. She was the closest to magic I had felt since Jenna. And when it ended, I was devastated again. I dated ANtonia in 2008, on and off till 2009, and now here I am, on the brink of 26, wondering how the fuck 8 years passed. And what have I done?

But then Jenna is on the other side of the spectrum. She's traveled the world, met hundreds of people, made tons of friends, going for her PhD. The girl is brilliant. And to look at where we are in life is to say how funny life is. The only time that me and her could ever be in love was when we were 18, and we were unsure of what we were going to become. We were only dreamers then, and nothing was proven. It was love then, because it could exist. And now we are two people that could never be in love. What the fuck?

It's sad, really. I need to stop focusing on the past, I need to look toward the future.

This video is so fucking beautiful though. I wish I could rewind time.

Sometimes I wonder if God lets us re-live any parts of our life. Well, maybe sometimes I hope it...

Dammmmit

Haha yo things just got terrible! I was driving through a 5 foot puddle, being a complete retard in regard to cars, and fucked up my engine bad. So yeah, I'm fucked!

I burn my own bridges sometimes

Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's not. When I look in retrospect at this band, things started off great. I had a great group of guys, and extremely marketable. Slowly, things started happening that destroyed our chemistry: Mike and Chris. Mike never showing up. Chris with his terrible attitude. Tim and Mandrew became a part of it slowly. Mandrew not so much. The problem is the poison slowly spread.

I grew to hate seeing pictures of Mike's girlfriend. Mainly his audacity to promise me he'd be there with me, like this would be "our" project, and then to abandon it for her. It pissed me off. It pissed me off that Tim became his best friend. It pissed me off that Tim, Andrew, Mike and Chris all would hang out, while I stayed at home. It really fucking made me angry.

So at this point what do I want? Sometimes I don't even know. I sometimes don't even care. I don't want to be a sellout. I don't want to be famous. What the hell do I have going?

One of my friends just asked that since I don't have a band, if her friend should give our demo to his "uncle" at some record company (it's the same story with everyone really...EVERYONE knows a record company...who the fuck cares?) I flipped out on her when she asked this question. I got mad at the industry, at how they treat bands, and how I already am in debt. What the hell could a record company do for me anyway?

I wish I could cure this problem. I don't know what it is with me. I feel like I destroy everything. But at the same time, fuck these guys. It's not fair that they just ride my coat tails to success, when if my music is truly meant for great things, I could find 4 people whom I don't hate.

I'm working on my "insane" idea. I don't care how it comes off at this point. Fuck it. I have nothing to lose.

It hit me today!

Like a punch in the face! THE idea! THE idea I've been waiting for all along. It solves these problems:

1) I wanted to do something different!
2) I want people to watch us and remember when they leave!
3) I want people to tell their friends!

This idea is actually insane. Most people will think I'm crazy, but if I make it happen, I will quickly move to the top of the industry! Lucky me, I'm so confident in the music that it doesn't even matter! Cause as stupid as this idea is, the music is good!

The answers shall be revealed shortly! Everyone will think I'm stupid, but it's okay, it's a new idea! People always think new ideas are stupid until they are effectively pulled off!

As far as I know, NO band has ever done this before!

Woke up early!

I was gonna jog but my knees are still a little sore from jogging a couple days ago! Even though it's freezing out, I normally bundle up pretty nice and I enjoy jogging in cold weather. It reminds me of when I had my apartment on the beach and I would jog 3 miles every other morning at 330am in the freezing cold. I mean seriously, jogging over a bridge on the beach in December/January=frozen face, but it felt sooo good!

So I'm thinking about the next steps with this band. I have 2 different legit connections to attempt to sell these songs. Then I have the other plan which is just self-releasing this album.

I guess a part of myself gets lost in this whole band thing. My ultimate goal is to make music I love. The fame is all bullshit. Because fame is fugacious, so are the fake ass friends. I feel like God is telling me to release this album by myself, and all will be gravy baby! Of course, I'm a little skeptical, but I guess over the last month I've learned to trust God anyway. Oh yeah, I'm officially out of the military! Yeah, I forgot to put that in!

It was weird too! Last Friday, I had just given up. I just said "fuck it, I'll go, I'm sick of living under fear". I was about to call my CO to let him know I would deploy. For whatever reason, I had a sudden feeling that I should wait until Monday to decide. When I least expected it, I received a certified letter Saturday with my discharge orders, that all I had to do was sign and return!

Last night when I quit the band it was kind of "spur of the moment". I've known for awhile this band lineup wouldn't work out. The "chemistry" in the band is a party atmosphere. I enjoyed it a bit at first, because it wasn't everyday, and then it became the priority. People would constantly miss practice to party, they'd all be going out, and bullshitting me about where they were. Unfortunately, I am the boss in this band, and they all treat me like that idiot boss you always call in sick on.

So in the long run, sometimes you have to start over to move 2 feet ahead. And I should just trust God, cause yo, this was the right move. I don't know what the proper NEXT correct move is, but I'm sure I'll find out soon! I told Mandrew I still want to work with him. Why? Because he was the only one who actually gave a shit. He didn't have a job, and still contributed more money than the rest of the guys. When Tim first started working he said the same shit as Mike "Oh yeah man, I have no bills, so all my money is going to the band!" A week later it became: "Dude I only make $100 a week, and my mom charges me $400 a month for rent." Chris was just a total waste in this band: the death metal guitarist playing pop punk. He is the epitome of why people hate Long Island. It bothered me that somebody had the audacity to say "go fuck yourself" to me in regards to this band. It also bothered me that every time I had something important to say, Chris wasn't there to hear it. And Mike is the reason I promised Vudu studios I would pay them 300/week. If Mike hadn't promised me 100 a week, I would have asked them to pay 250 or even 200. But now I am stuck for 2 years paying them 300 a week, unless I can sell albums ASAP! Mandrew on the other hand, always wanted to contribute, always was concerned about the future of this band. He really wasn't "party! party!" like the rest of them. He kind of came along at times, but it wasn't his priority. I respect that. And hopefully we'll be able to keep pursuing this somehow.

It's strange, 3,000 CDs feels like such a small number to me. I'm not even intimidated by the number. I say to myself "Easy task!" It's a lot of damn people though! But it's okay! I'm so confident I can push these out! I really believe there are 3,000 people or more in this world who will pay $10 for an 18 track CD of music they love! I don't even feel pressure anymore. And I'll be 26 in February! Ahhh!

So it's now 5AM, and its time for me to get ready for work! SUMMERS LAST WAVE will go on! I promise : D !

I quit my band!

I had to! Their priorities were "drink, play music, drink...etc." My priority is "get out of debt, stop being a nobody!"

Just thinking of plan number 2! Summers Last Wave is far from over! : D

Faith in God

When all else is gone, what the hell else do I have?

It's so hard for me to even focus with this looming deployment chilling over my head. I wake up, and I have no idea what to do. There is so much to do! I have a band I'm trying to get big! I could be recording, promoting, looking up tour venues...etc. I just have no desire to do that because within a month it may not make a difference anyway.

It makes my arms weak, my body weak and my soul weak. It's because day by day all my creative energy is slowly evaporating. I thought about writing a song yesterday and I couldn't. All I can do lately is stare at the wall. Or my computer screen. I'm not even scared of being in Kuwait, I'm scared of "dying" for another 8 months. Until July 2010. Doing nothing that has to do with something I want to be, only something I've considered dead. Making myself worse. Losing hair, losing strength, losing confidence. Putting on a uniform that has been suicide inducing for me in the past. Dealing with spineless pieces of shit that shouldn't be running a car, let alone a platoon. And of course, falling into "do as I say, not as I do".

God please give me strength to get through this. Please give me faith that you'll do what's right for my life.

Dying

We all are dying inside. I'm sick of dying. I can't escape it though. I don't know what will happen. I don't know if I'll be alive in a month. I'm too dangerously capricious. It scares me.

Write songs

I'm sick of being in a band. I'm sick of the bullshit. I don't want to be a rockstar. I want to own a huge house isolated from the rest of the scumbags in this world, maybe just with a wife and kids. I want it to be on the water. I want to wake up, jog for 3 miles, work out, and then relax. I want to write songs here and there. That's all.

I feel like I may actually hate my band mates.

Sinking

Days like today, dude I really have no fucking clue how to get out of this rut.

I feel lower than low. I feel like suicide. I'm not gonna lie, it all stems from the military. I can't think about having a gun in my hands again, and wearing a uniform again. I really don't want to be the arbiter over whether or not someone else survives. I want to see a psychologist, I don't have money. I haven't gotten sleep in days, fuck, in weeks over this.

My band has got to be a huge joke. I just don't understand it. How the fuck do hardcore bands get together? How is there so much shitty music that's so popular? Why?!?

How does this demo hit the ears of people, and they love it, and yet here I am sitting at my studio at 1AM waiting for the guys in my band to get here. Two weeks ago we agreed to do an acoustic show at Cool Beans. We posted it on Twitter, and a bunch of people actually got mad stoked. I was surprised, honestly. I didn't expect anyone to give a shit. But there's like 11 people coming, and all we did was put one tweet on Twitter. That's it. We did no promotion.

Yet, for some reason, Chris and Andrew seemed surprised at the reminder two days ago that we had a show. We haven't practiced at all. There is always some bullshit excuse. Chris doesn't know the songs, Andrew isn't tight. Dude I don't fucking get it. What's the point of this fucking shit?

How are so many terrible bands able to get together? How do they find people who believe in that shit?

I feel like it may be time to start over. Get rid of these clowns and get people who actually give a shit.

I'm so fucking lonely. I've got nothing. I've got music, I've got a dream. A dream that is, as always, barely hanging on.

I wish I could just quit. I wish this was over. I'm always tired. I wish I could rest. I wish I was just dead. I'll never have friends. I'll never have someone that fucking loves me. I don't even love myself. It's painful to be alive, and to be reminded that I still don't know if I'm going to prison (Kuwait) or not. I can't sleep with the anxiety that I could be in the Middle East holding a gun. Fuck the Navy. I hate the Navy. I hate the entire organization.

I just don't understand how you can be a part of an organization that ENCOURAGES you to be honest to your "chain of command" (aka scumbag pieces of shit that just happened to be in the Navy longer than you) and when you are, when you HONESTLY tell them you feel suicidal in uniform, THEY DO NOTHING. I told them this 3 months before I was deployed to Kuwait. At the time I spoke these words, I told my Chief, "I can't wait to get out. Putting on this uniform makes me feel suicidal and worthless. I want to kill myself. I hate my life, I hate the way I look, it reminds me that once I was another useless face that meant nothing." Not only did he do NOTHING about this, one of the guys in my unit heard me say this and started calling me "suicidal Freddy!"

So 3 months later, when I was supposed to be out, they decided to deploy me to Kuwait. Of all fucking people. WHAT A COINCIDENCE. I HATE THE FUCKING NAVY! This is why people come back depressed, because you pieces of shit are only worried about paper work, making sure everyone is okay, and "ready to deploy" because it makes you look better you soulless fuck. I hope my chief burns in hell. I hate my fucking CO, I hate all the scumbags that resulted in this happening to me. I can't sleep at night. I feel like I should kill myself and make a fucking HUGE scene out of it just to spite these people. I should send letters to every congressman, every senator, every news outlet and say "I TOLD THE PEOPLE IN MY CHAIN OF COMMAND THAT I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF!" The only reason I was able to make it through was the hope that JULY was my last month, and my contract was over. That's when they told me I'm going to Kuwait.

If they send me, and give me a gun, I will shoot myself. I will do it and make sure I throw everyone under the bus on my way out. AND BY THAT, I do not mean that threatening. I mean that I will make sure everybody in the world knows that I confided to my chief, my CO, that I hated myself, and that I was depressed/suicidal while I was wearing uniform, and they kept me, deployable. They did nothing to avert what happened. I just don't get how you can treat someone like this.

I remember when I was depressed on active duty, how worthless I was. I never showered, I never came out of my room, I never did anything. I had a gun next to me once and all I kept thinking to myself was "dude, this can all be over right now. You can finally rest." and I stopped myself. This was a day before I had the panic attack that led to me being stripped of my weapons.

I just don't get it. I don't get how I can talk to a psych who recommends Prozac/Zoloft, and they still send me. I don't get it. I don't fucking get it.

And unless you've been in these shoes, don't judge. Don't comment. Don't think. You can't speak until you've walked a mile. Because I heard this one cunt say "I hate soldiers that run away from deployment! Dude, you signed a contract, live up to it!" WELL I SIGNED A FUCKING CONTRACT that said 4 years, followed by 4 years inactive RESERVES! On my 4th year, my unit told me YOURE GOING OVERSEAS! THAT'S NOT FUCKING INACTIVE!

Fuck the god damn military, I hate it. I will never shoot anyone but myself. I will never use a gun on a human being. I do not want to be in the position the fucking scumbag military puts us in, followed by the magnifying glass the piece of shit media places over our fucking heads. Shoot someone, protect your country, and they'll look to send your ass to jail. FUCK YOU, I'm already telling you I'm not in the mental state to fucking do this, and yet, you still want to send me? FUCK YOu

Women...women...LMAO

I understand women. There is a basic psychological profile behind them. Most men say "I don't understand them" and there really is much to be confused about. But I feel women dictate all their actions based on 1) Their moral beliefs, 2) What others think of them and 3) The "She-Wolf" inside.

The She-Wolf is the fact that underneath every woman is an animal waiting to come out and break out of her chains. Men try saying "Women aren't hornY' but it's not true. Women have an organ (or body part) who's true function is sexual stimulation (the clitoris). Men don't have any such object.

The problem is most women say "I don't care what anyone thinks of me", but unless they are a crack whore, it's not true at all. Their lives are dictated by what others think of them. If that weren't the case, women would probably be sleeping around more than men do.

So tonight, I had a completely odd experience happen. I say this because this experience would confuse the hell out of most men. I hung out with a girl I hadn't seen in years. We started talking and she started telling me about her history. Then she just out of nowhere said "I'm horny". Eventually, we went and got something to eat, and she just said "Let me ask you a question, do you like blow jobs?"

Take it easy if you're reading this, because it makes her sound skanky. In fact, that wasn't the case at all. She was a girl who had been dumped, she hadn't been touched in forever, and wanted to do things with someone she knew and trusted.

Later on, we kissed, cause I haven't kissed anyone in months, and I need affection. We talked, and it was good conversation. She mentioned how she needed a "fuck buddy", and while I'm not a huge fan of sex, dude I'm always going with the flow. I don't like putting labels on myself or having expectations in situations like those, ever.

I went home, and she called me at 11pm, and said "I was thinking, I don't want to jeopardize my career, so we can't hook up!" What? I wasn't pursuing it, she was. I wasn't the aggressor, in fact, I was just chilling!

It didn't bother me, because I understand the psychological factors behind all of this. There are a million different points, all connected and they all make sense. I know why she said what she said, but honestly it's too long to explain. What it comes down to is that she said how she really felt. The whole night she kept mentioning how she hopes I don't think she's a slut. But in the end, what she really felt, conflicted with her worries about "what others think of her", and the fact that she valued my opinion as a friend, she called to say "we can't hook up" to save face.

What does this mean? It means absolutely nothing. It means I act disinterested and a week later, she'll call me at 2am for a booty call. I understand it all. Women don't have me fooled!

But then again, if women were like men, they'd be fat, they'd be farting and burping, picking their noses and scratching their balls in public, or something else cause they don't have balls ewww...It's cause we don't care what anyone thinks. We really don't.

I find it kind of funny that a girl can go from straight up telling me she wanted to rip off my clothes and fuck my brains out to saying "we shouldn't hook up." But I know what it really means.

But what do I want? I just want someone to hold, honestly. I'm not big on sex, cause let's be honest, I can masturbate and it feels exactly the same as a condom.

Livid

I'm frustrated as hell. For the last year of my life, I've stopped living in order to achieve success with this band. So far we've done absolutely nothing. Part of this is due to me, and for what reason, I have no clue. I just prefer to blame myself in all situations because it means that I never have to rely on anyone else to fix my flaws. It means I have control if I assign blame to myself.

The blame is primarily for having a band. For having these clowns in the band with me. I am frustrated as hell because I am spending every penny of every paycheck on this band. I am lonely as hell as well. 9 times out of 10 I try not to think about it because all of my passion is being funneled to this band. But then there's days I look at a girl, and think about my exes, and think about the love I used to have for females in my past, and think about how much dedication this band requires and how any relationship will divert my attention to making this dream a reality.

Today is another example. Today was one of those mandatory band things. Basically, we are blessed. We have a man who wants to manage us who let's us into a major venue out here for free, the bar lets us promote and they play our music in front of the entire crowd during sets. Since I kicked Mike out of the band, we have 4 members left. It's 4PM, the time we were supposed to being, and where is everyone?

-Mandrew texted me last night to let me know his Mom's aunt had to go in for surgery. Okay, business makes you a heartless prick. I have no sympathy because I've already spent $15,000+ on this band with much, much more to come. I don't like being judgmental, because for all I know, he may have an close bond with his mom's aunt. But the "my (insert family member/friends name) is in the hospital excuse is so fucking overplayed for me. I don't believe anyone when they say it. Generally, 9 times out of 10, when someone says "---- is in the hospital" it means they are hanging out with a girl. That's just personal experience over the last 10 years. Because I've learned that always winds up being the case. Today is a mandatory band thing, and he's nowhere to be found. I told him to come afterwards, I doubt that'll happen. He's been chilling with some girl lately. The problem with love and music is that the two do not coincide. You cannot honestly pursue both, and Mandrew is already going down the path of Mike.

-Chris has work. He explained to me that as a bartender, hours are unpredictable because he could wind up staying longer at any given time. Even though we knew about this show weeks in advance, he still had work. I understand bills are bills, yes we have to make money, but we have to plan ahead, and plan intelligently. We were supposed to be there at 4, where is he? Texted me to let me know he's still working.

-Tim said he doesn't have money for gas, so he can only make it once Chris is out of work and can drive him.

Fuck this band. I honestly hate everyone in my band. I mentioned last week that I no longer wanted to be friends, only business partners, but the problem with that is that we can't even be business partners because they aren't bringing anything conducive to the business. They barely know the songs, they barely practice. Partying seems to be the number 1 most important priority in this band. I am so sick of everyone being able to enjoy life, have fun, and I am always on the outside. I had to burn 200 CDs last night, took me from 7pm-4am. (I also had to print them.) Chris and Tim stopped by to go make copies of the CDs for the new rehearsal studio, and they were dressed to go out afterwards. It bothers me because everyone has money to drink, to party, but never has money for gas, Vudu...etc. This is the Little Red Hen.

Everyone thinks they are going to make money with this band. But AHA, I have an evil plan. Yes, check it out. I explained my problems with this band to our manager. He set me up with 4 hired guns that I'll be playing with tomorrow. They learned the songs and harmonies already. I'm going to walk in, practice for 2 hours, and leave. And they'll sound tight. Tighter than my band has after 4 months. I'm on the borderline of quitting this band.

The only thing holding me back is that Tim, Chris and Mandrew have such a marketable look. As a band, we actually look good. But the problem is, we never fucking spend anytime together. I'm always doing work, and they're always fucking partying. I guess I'm more of the type that has to see something to believe it. And once I see this band play well, I'm gonna be on the border of walking out on everyone in the band now.

I just can't stand it anymore. I really can't. It's too fucking stressful. I'm trying soo hard not to give up this dream, but it's days like these I want to walk out. But there is hope. I can do shit myself.

And at this point, I'll be honest, if we got signed, I'd put everyone in this band to "hired gun" status. Everyone is replaceable. Nobody has written anything except for me. Nobody thinks of anything in this band except for me. The whole Summers Last Wave image, the ideas, they're all mine. They just sit back and enjoy the benefits.

I feel like the loneliest person in the world right now. I really do. I feel like I'm the only one putting any effort into this band. I feel like all my money is going to nothing except to make these dudes feel like rockstars. Fuck me.

Work starts tomorrow

Well, in like 4 hours. I can't sleep. One thing I love about driving a bus is I can get like 1 hour of sleep and still drive! It's just the first day of school, so I'm mad stoked, and it's a new route, which means a shit ton less stress! It's like 2 blocks long!

Today was my first "day off" from the band. I did nothing music related, and it kind of felt good. But just for one day. Because if it weren't for music, everyday would have been like today.

Yawwwwwn

I really don't know why I'm updating this. I'm fucking exhausted....Studio 11-6 followed by rehearsal 7-2, and it was all amazing : D !

Losing a piece of myself

This band thing has been going awesome. I'm so happy with all the friends I've been making already, the lives I've touched with music, and the support we've got. I can't really describe it.

I signed onto my old myspace and reminded myself how pathetic I am without music. I'm not saying this in a depressed way, but before I was doing music, I had no friends. Maybe it's because this is what I was meant to do, and when I wasn't doing it, I couldn't let the "true me" shine.

Happy : D

It was amazing to see Sarah tonight. I really can't explain it. I was nervous as hell walking in. I tried having my rockstar swag on, trying to remind myself that we made a ton of friends last night and we were chilling with a huge band, just to help keep myself leveled. And then I saw her. For the first time since December 2007. And she was sparkling.

She was with her mom and 2 of her mom's friends, with whom I turned on my instant charm. Parents always love me. Not that this matters much in this situation, but I'm great at telling jokes.

We headed to Dave and Busters. It was her idea and I got excited. There were a couple of times in her talking she incidentally brushed my shoulder, but I think there was something in the back of her mind that was cautious about this. But I'm not gonna lie, just looking at her, it put things into perspective. This is the only girl in the world who can do this to me. I'm shooting for an impossible dream, a dream which will bring a ton of women into my life, and she'll always be the only one who knocks me out. It feels like every inch of me melted.

It's that smile, that fucking smile. I just can't stress it enough. It's so perfect that it's chilling. It cures me inside. I just felt at peace being with her. And I loved it. It was just like it used to be when it was just me and her hanging out. I always felt like I was in my own world with she was the o-zone layer. She kept warm the oxygen I breathed. She always made me feel like everything was right, and anytime we were together, I did whatever I could to keep her with me as long as possible. I hoped to do this tonight. I hoped this night never would end.

I went into the night thinking it would be the last time I ever saw her. But it turned out to be something much different. As we talked, I brought up life, love, happiness and all that shit! She seemed scared of the future. She's got two more classes left in college before she's finished. I asked her what she wanted to do, and she got tense. She said it's cause people keep asking her "when are you getting married/what are you going to do with your life?" She felt pressure. I answered it assuringly: just don't do it. (I actually brushed my shoulder to illustrate it!) I actually was surprised she was questioning marrying the dude she's with. I figured it would be a shoe-in at this point, but after 4-5 years, she's still unsure.

After I heard this, I couldn't tell her. I couldn't tell her what she meant to me, the songs, or anything. I didn't want to confuse her or push her one way or the other. (to be continued...)

Nervous as hell

I wasn't nervous as we passed out 200 demos last night, gave out lei's, or chilled with C/S. I'm nervous today.

I'm going to hang out with a girl I'm in love with today. It will most likely be the last time I ever see her. It's been 2 years. I'm going to be myself, but it's gonna kill me. We always talk so...blunt I guess? It's like talking to a rapper or some shit. Like I can't comprehend how to say the things I should/shouldn't say...maybe silence is the best though. I don't know what to tell her...

I take the word "friend" with a grain of salt

I was angry about this earlier, but at this point, maybe not anymore. I don't take having "friends" seriously. I gotta start dividing things to where they belong: hook-ups/business relationships, the end.

The whole concept of "listening/helping out someone" is something that I will do only when it's business-convenient. I used to be sad when friends "screwed me over", but at this point, it's no surprise to me. Now I just have to attempt to surreptitiously use somebody without exposing how fucking pissed I am at them for being a backstabbing scumbag. I mean lets be honest, they have a major connection that I still don't, and I have yet to utilize.

This goes out to my friend Giselle. Basically, she was mad that her brother, who WAS also a good friend of mine, heard that we had had sex in the past. I accidentally said it, but feeling bad, I told Giselle the next day. I apologized. Apparently, he told her today and said it in a worse context.

The problem is, he's in a band called Lights Resolve. I supported them cause he was in it, and he was my friend. And since I'm being completely honest here, that was the only reason I ever supported them. I wasn't considering connections or anything of the sort, because when I first started going to their shows, I wasn't doing the band thing. They aren't bad, but they aren't great either. I mean, they're okay. But they've been touring/playing for awhile, and have publishing deals...etc.

So at this point, do I punch the kid in the face for being a backstabber and lying about what I said. He told her I said in front of his entire band "Yo I banged Giselle twice" which was a blatant fucking lie. And he's a piece of shit for telling it to her. And her mom, and her mom's friend are all lying about bullshit, and this girl is going...ugh I don't even know where I'm going with this. I gotta pull the old Freddyboy Z-cut and forget move.

Part of me is hurt, cause she is a fucking fool to believe these assholes. I dared her to get all three of them in a room and have me sit down and talk with them in front of her. I'll expose all their fucking lies. Of course, she didn't take me up on this offer. Personally, I'm more disappointed in myself that I let her get anywhere close enough to where I could get a little hurt by this. Reality is, I don't do that with anyone. It may be why I'm such an open book. Since I have 0 real friends, I don't have anyone to tell my "secrets" so my secrets become my talking points.

So from this point out, she's going to be living a sad life, with the same family that's cut her down, treated her like shit, and spiraled heavy drug use from both of their children. I don't know how parents like that sleep at night, but whatever. It's not my problem anymore. They're both dead to me. And I'm going to burn this bridge with that piece of shit without telling him. Mainly so there is no vendetta, but in the back of my mind, I do not want to ever utilize this connection with him to get us ahead, because I want to look down at him from the top and laugh when I can say "hey shit head, I did it on my own! Have fun getting up here!"

I'm so filled with anger lately. I need this to inspire either a song, or fuel for this band.
Or this can all never work...like I'll go nowhere. Then what? Then who the fuck cares anyway?

Going gets tough, FUCK the rest!

So yeah, I'm at the studio today, and Rich our producer starts telling me about this band he was mixing a CD for and was awaiting payment. Apparently, they were referred by a friend of his who happens to be Red Jumpsuit Apparatus' manager. I got excited, and realizing he had this connection, immediately asked if he would send our demo to the guy.

Keep in mind, this has been the situation a million times in my life: Somebody, somewhere, somehow, thinks they know somebody. In an industry dominated by the truth "it's all who you know", it's exciting to hear somebody is friends with someone in the position of power, but you must take it with a grain of salt: most people don't know anybody!

Rich answered that he already had given the guy a demo of ours. I asked "What did he think?"

"He said he's heard it a million times before."

I laughed a bit. And then considered how incredibly cocky and pretentious I have been about this whole band. I expect when people hear us to be blown away as if they've never heard anything like it before! Clearly, it's not always the case.

So what do I do when I hear someone that high up considers us in the "diurnal" category? Of course, part of me is a little pissed. Part of me says "fucking seriously?" after all the blood, sweat, tears I've put into this. Is my dream wrong? Is my vision incorrect?

Hell no! Of course not! I step back, tell myself "I'm going to make this fucking manager regret saying that about us, and get fucking huge by ourselves!" And I'm not playing. I'm going to make that asshole come knocking on our door begging us to be a part of his team.

We also were incredibly blessed today: There is a monthly rehearsal studio available 5 minutes from our house! The one we're at now is about 25 minutes away, and this will save an incredible amount of gas mileage. It's also only $450 a month! However, we have the option to have the size doubled from 14x14 to 14x28! It's $900 a month however. But, it would be our own apartment basically, and it would simulate a live stage. We would have a HUGE amount of room to move around, practice, and prepare our live show.

I'm pretty excited. We are moving in regardless it's just a matter of 14x14 or 14x28 (I'm pushing for the $900...fiscally tougher, but it will help us get to the top faster!)

Other than that, fuck the nonbelievers, I'm gonna make this shit happen until the day I'm dead : D !

Anxious to get this shit rolling

I'm tired of sitting inside, behind the computer, promoting our music through AIM, Twitter, Myspace...blah, blah, blah. If it wasn't for this shit, I'd be out meeting people, playing shows, having a good time. I'm sick of recording. I've recorded like 1,000 hours this year, and I want it to be over. I just want to get back to playing shows, and feeling like a fucking rockstar.

I feel like it's the part inside of me that isn't coming out. The fucking dude who's a rockstar. Seriously, I miss tearing up stages, schmoozing it up with the chicas, singing, making friends...etc. I miss being the one everyone is fucking looking at. I'm ready to get out there and change the fucking scene. Break all fads, break all cliques, and bring people together.

It gets tiring when you question WHY you're doing this. It's another Saturday night at home, and I just pissed off my best friend, and she's probably never talking to me anymore. Who knows where my band mates are, we never hang out anyway. This is the type of shit that usually makes me want to sit down and feel bad for myself. But fuck it. I don't need friends. I don't need anybody. I can make this shit happen myself, and then make new, shallower friends.

People find that so offensive when I say that. I don't understand why. It's truth. Everyone is shallow inside. Nobody was ever friends with me for ME. It always had something to do with music. So what's wrong with me just saying it for what it is?

I honestly can't wait to play ORIGINAL while opening up for one of these scenester, shitty, dime a dozen bands.

Haven't updated recently..

I've been posting on my facebook. facebook.com/freddyboyz if you want to add me yo!

Dude really, can't stop..

It just feels like an emotional whirlwind that I can't escape from. I wasn't even going to put this song on this album. Now it's hurting me. This song was written for the second album, and I wanted to do it now, cause I figured "I want her to know how I feel".

I'll overcome the pain, it just hurts so badly. This song is too deep. I honestly don't think I've ever written a deeper song. I feel like I want to finish this song, go home, and then start over next week. The feeling in this song is so deep, so strong, and the rest of the songs are small compared to this one.

I wish I knew what to write to make this go away. Usually typing makes me feel better. I just feel like writing this song brings back the memories, the love, the pain, but it doesn't bring back her. So what's the point?

Maybe other people will realize they aren't alone in this feeling. It's got the sound of a hit, but the lyrics are very specific so I really don't know where it'll go.

I use the blogs to bitch, to get everything out. I haven't felt like this in years. And I have to try keeping it inside until I sing it tomorrow....

Trying to stay upset

I'm trying to get in the mood of "Make or Break It". It's a song of mine that requires me to nail the emotions I'm feeling in the lyrics if I want it to be effective. The music is already great. It honestly feels like something I'm listening to on the radio, more so than any of our other songs. This album may wind up being "too good".

I'm upset because of the lyrics in the song. I just don't understand it. The lyrics are like my soul in a song. It's so painful. I Maybe I never really realized that straight up, this girl broke my heart. I always looked at it as "I'll always love Sarah," and now, being 2 years later, it doesn't look like she'll be done with her dude anytime soon. It's hard to let it go.

It just makes me feel so alone. It's rare to find someone that brings this out in me. At this point, I feel like I keep myself isolated from the rest of the world in order to make my music better. Maybe I'm scared to fall in love again so much that I don't want to meet anyone new at all. While yes, heartbreak has been my biggest inspiration in pencilling my best songs, I feel like it's been battered too much.

I guess I'm a human being and there really is only so much I can take. I'm just at a point in my life where the only thing that matters to me is getting music going. And all I'm doing is holding onto something from 2 years ago. Because I promised I would always love the girl.

It makes me feel shitty yo. 10 million people in America are going to be listening to this song and sharing this feeling with me, and it's only going to make me feel more alone. This song will be out of my control. It won't be like my kid anymore. It will be it's own.

Fuck fame. Fuck being famous. I wish I could just write songs and live in a jungle with fruit so I didn't have to pay bills LOL

Frustration with the album sound...

I guess it's a good thing to be frustrated about. In ensuring that each song is "at it's best", it seems to strip a bit away from the soul of the song. Two of the songs in particular (LIMONCELLO and MAKE OR BREAK IT) seem almost TOO good. Almost as if they don't belong on this album. It makes me a little upset because these songs mean SO fucking much to me (as do all my songs), but these ones are sounding like something that I didn't envision when I wrote the song originally.

Everytime I write a song, I have it from a summer-sounding perspective. These songs sound like something you would hear on mainstream stations almost, but not on a Summers Last Wave record. And it's almost as if the maturity in my songwriting is pellucid in these, while earlier songs such as SHE NEVER GETS WHAT SHE WANTS are beginning to show "immaturity".

The sad thing is I feel like a piece of these songs are missing. I don't know what, and I don't know why. It's just something. It's almost as if I feel like they weren't written by me. Maybe it's just the future that I need to grow accustomed to.

From this point out, every song I write is going to be in the style of these two songs. Well, not so much STYLE but, unintentionally they will be written with my new world view, and from the perspective of a 25 year old Fred, not a 18-19 year old boy. I guess I find it depressing, because it's losing a piece of what songwriting originally meant to me. To be honest though, I really don't know how. I'm feeling a bit depressed today about these songs, and I have no fucking clue why. I wish I could put my finger on it. It's almost as if they weren't written by me. It's like they wrote themselves.

If you're reading this, you may think I'm insane or something. I guess if you're a real songwriter/poet you would understand exactly what I mean. If you are an everyday black and white thinker, then this is foreign to you.

Studio...Guitars begin!

So yeah, day 1 of guitars! An 8 hour day resulted in....only 2 songs! Whattt? Well LUCKY was a bitch! But it's okay! IT SOUNDS AMAZING! It's our opening track, and you can't hear it from me typing it here, but rest assured, the shit is insanity!

It's got a great summer vibe! We also did FREE which has encapsulated the exact feeling I wanted! That "being sad that the past is gone, but being happy for what you experienced!" It's emotionally charged, while staying true to our sound! It's more of a sunset song : ) !

So I'm excited! Not sure which songs to choose tomorrow, but I'm thinking NY Screams and Limoncello for starters! I will most likely stay the night here at the studio!

PASSION!

I say it in caps and with a "!" because I MEAN IT! : D

Is there any question that in the end, passion will conquer all? True passion will trample the mediocre opponents?

There is NO doubt in my mind this is the case! When I KNOW something is going to happen, and when I KNOW it's MEANT to happen, I'm going to make it happen, regardless of the circumstance! You can be an underdog, but underdogs still bite : D!

This is in regards to something I'm VERY passionate about! I'm going to make it happen one day! LOL can you guess what I'm talking about!?! XD

Someday

I've been thinking lately. I'm incredibly happy with who I am. I don't know if I'd ever change anything in my life if I had the opportunity. Things are going great.

I strive to be a rockstar. If that doesn't happen, I'll strive to be something else. Somehow, someway, I will be a positive change in people's lives. In the end, I may or may not be hugely significant. As long as one person in the end feels that because of me their life was changed for the better, that's all that matters!

I guess I'm in a strange mood tonight. I don't know what it is with me. I've got like a good glow inside. I feel like everything in my life is going to be awesome. Like, I'm in so much debt right now with the studio, bills...etc. I'm going to owe the studio $25,000 at LEAST. I have $10,000 left on my car. My credit card debt is at a total of $4000. I have another personal loan out for about $2000. It seems like a lot to handle. But I don't care!

It's almost as if I just don't care anymore? I used to worry what people thought about me. My hair, my clothes...etc. Now I don't. The part inside of me that used to be the "romantic, desperate for girls Fred" has been nearly extinct for years, but now it's like gone. I made out with this girl Giselle a couple weeks ago, but I didn't care. I guess that makes it more attractive to the opposite sex. Cause I'm self-assured in all that I do. I'm confident that in the end, I'll be exactly where I belong.

We're living a life where everything is evanescent. In the end, this will all be gone. We could wake up one day and just be killed BAM! It'll be over in a split second. Then what? Will we worry about debt? Will we worry about what we were wearing? We won't worry at all. So why spend life worrying about small things?

I love what I do. I love writing songs. If I could pay off my debt in full to the studio for every album, I would do it easily. I would live a life writing songs. Life is so freaking beautiful, even when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night.

I take life one day at a time, and I love it. Be yourself, be strong in who you are, and you'll be the same way. There is nothing in this world that you NEED. You just need faith in yourself.

Shut up dude!

So after repining on this blog last night, and finishing drums tracks for MAKE OR BREAK IT, the sweet song I wrote for Sarah, I feel better. I feel like I got it out of my system. The song sounds beautiful. It's the type that could make 30 million girls cry, but not her. I just want to take the feeling of joy and of love and share it with everyone. Although in the song I am still kind of "chasing" her, I make the clear statement that "Make or break this, I'm already in love".

I've written enough blogs, enough songs, enough journals about this girl. None of them make her reappear. I guess sometimes it's good to write about or share these feelings. Mainly cause they make me feel alive. In a world of work, bills, and pursuing a dream, it can get tiring. I need love. Unfortunately, being that I am so extremely picky about women, I have to rely on my last taste of love which was almost 2 years ago. It feels like days since the whole experience, not years. I feel like I've been waiting a week for them to break up.

And sometimes I wonder if it is waiting. Am I waiting for her, or just waiting for somebody better? I think inevitably, our first taste of love is only washed away when a newer, stronger taste comes along. It's like that's how I felt about Jenna. Jenna was the first girl I was ever IN LOVE, in love with. Nowadays, if she called me and said she wanted to chill, I would do it. If she said she loved me still and wanted to date, I wouldn't. It's just over. It's just the memory, the taste that is remembered and treasured. It's not her. It's not her in 2009. It's her in 2002.

I met Sarah in 2003. I was 19 and she was 15. She was an amazing person, beautiful, and one of the only girls I respected. I called her Jessica Biel cause I thought she looked like Miss Biel haha. It was that fucking smile man. Melted my knees.

But I was no fool, nor was I an idiot. At the age of 19, I did not come close to 15 year old girls. I would have easily dated her if I was 16, or she was 17. But I wasn't going to risk getting in trouble. When she met the dude she's with now, I believe she was 16 and he was 21. So yeah, go figure. I don't make the move out of "respect", and in the long run it doesn't make a difference, cause he was fucking way older than her ya know?

It wasn't till I returned from the Navy and that they broke up that me and her really "got together". She said he had hit her while they were drunk. Then we started hanging out. It wasn't until our first kiss that I was all hers. We were drunk, but it was perfect.

Ugh, I'm just writing these things to get them out. I can't keep them bottled inside of me. I remember one night we fell asleep at like 3am. She started kissing me at like 330. We were just making out till like 7am. Thinking about that sounds fucking tiring to me. If someone told me this story I'd usually say "Oh God, why? Just go to bed!" But I guess when you're living in the moment you don't even give a shit. I just remember I didn't want it to end. I wouldn't stop kissing her, ya know? I wouldn't let her fall asleep. The next day I wrote a huge blog, detailing everything. Detailing the way I felt. I showed it to her next time we drank together. She smiled or something, I don't remember, I was drunk. I tried reading it on my iPhone a couple months ago, and it got deleted. I was fuming at first, but eventually I realized I didn't need it. It was still inside of me!

I write these things here because I don't want to share them with anybody in ways other than music. We all are missing somebody inside. We all feel lonely. We all want love, or want back an opportunity. I am just like everyone else in this matter. The only way I am different is that I can turn this into a melody. I can turn this sad/happy feeling into a beautiful song. I say sad and happy, because I don't feel sadness in retrospect. The only thing I regret is not telling her exactly how I felt when I was sober. But this is all happiness. Because I felt love. I was lucky to have her in my life. One day it'll happen again with somebody new. It'll strike like lightning, and I won't be able to breathe!

Hope's a biatchhhh!

So I'm picking up some shirts from Michael's today, and I get a text message. I look at the phone and the name across the screen says "Sarah"! I had to do a double take for a sec, cause I never get text messages from Sarah. Literally, since our whole "rendezvous" ended in late 2007, I've heard from the girl two times, unless she was responding to something I said, which is few and far in between.

She was just texting to see how I was and let me know she missed me. It got my blood pumping. It got my heart racing. It got my hope sky high. These were all good things. The first thing I thought to myself was "maybe they broke up!" They being Sarah and her boyfriend. I always considered him a deuche bag. Now don't get me wrong, as a person, I like him. He's mad chill. But unfortunately, him being the "other guy" will always put him in "deuchebag status".

He was the reason she left. She ran back to his ass. They had broken up after 2 years, and he had lost all interest until he saw me staying at her apartment. Then he got pissed. Me and her would lay in her bed, and he'd be sitting up all night throwing rocks at her window. I tried keeping her free from his grasp, and it worked well for awhile. Maybe it was the chase that made us me "fall in love" with the girl, cause it was always up and down. I remember one night, she actually left me at her apartment while she went and had sex with him. She came back, and I wasn't even mad. I don't know why. Still, to this day, I'm not angry about it. I wish I could understand because I get jealous at times. But not this time.

Really, I was the reason she left. I acted more like casual hook up, but said the nice things when I was drunk. I didn't say them sober because she had made it clear she was still getting over this dude. I wanted to respect the "heart" in her. I soon realized what a stupid move that was. Me and her had some amazing times. I remember when I went away to Italy and she drove me to JFK airport, she dropped me off at KISS AND FLY, and I looked back to blow the girl a kiss, and she had this look in her eyes that she WISHED she would have kissed me then and there. I mean, it's not like we never kissed. It happened all the time. Just rarely ever sober.

I became a "more than casual" drinker while I was with her. Every night I spent with her, I"d wind up wasted. I brought her a huge bottle of Limoncello shaped like Italy when I came back. Seems like a dumb gift, but it was my stupid way of saying "I love you".

There was another night that she was coming home from the city at 3am, and she had hesitantly asked me to pick her up at the Port Jeff train station at 3:30 AM. Keep in mind, this is when I lived in Shirley. I drove my ass there to get her home, and she had taken the wrong train, and tried paying a taxi to come to me, cause she felt bad. This was the night before I left for Italy. She wanted to chill one more time. We went back to her house, and for once we didn't touch. I remember laying in her bed, and just sleepily talking to each other. She said something like "you really didn't have to do this" and I said the quotidian "Sarah, I told you I'd always do anything for you". Sounds gay on a blog, but it was insane how much of my soul was in that remark.

Her mom woke me up at 6am to ask me to move to a different bed. She didn't feel comfortable with us in the same bed. We hadn't touched all morning however.

So when I received this text today, I couldn't help but wonder if I would get some of these moments back. I hated the fact that already I was dropping my entire world for her. Any new interests vanished. I still wanted to do music, but I would have cancelled the studio to see her. I thought I was over it all, but I couldn't get over it with a fucking ladder! It sucks!

ALl it comes down to is "wanting what I can't have". I always fall in love and give my "all" to girls that I realistically know there is no commitment with. Sarah, being in love with another dude. Jenna (my ex) who was going away to college...those are the only 2! But still!

I later realized why Sarah had texted me. The Padres and Mets were playing. A rivalry since I'm a Padres fan and she's a Mets fan. It sucks that this is all we've become. Texts on days when Padres and Mets play or Giants/CHargers. It makes me sad, cause this world would have been a better place with us together.

I've written 3 songs on our album about her. I decided to ask her to get together in late August, and I'm going to tell her. Everything. It's so against the "catstring theory" rule, but part of me wants to get heart broken! I'll write better music! But I don't care. I haven't seen her face in 2 years. I've barely talked to her in 2 years. She's borderline "dead" to me. What difference will it make if she knows I wrote 3 songs about her and that I'm fucking crazy for her? None at all. If she's in love, I'm not there to be a homewrecker. In fact, I'd be a terrible boyfriend right now. I'm just there to put my soul at ease. Her knowing how I feel won't change things, unless her and the DB are having major issues that can't be solved. Blah blah blah I'm falling asleep as I type this : (

2500!

I want to sell 2500 CDs in our first week! I'm really going to push for this! I mean, on Billboard charts, that should place us at like 195 or something! I don't know if they would count an unsigned band, but it would be an amazing accomplishment for us to complete!

I think we've got it!

I think we finally have a FULL lineup with the perfect people! I spoke with one kid named Chris earlier today! This dude is literally 100% the perfect package for this band!

First things first, he mentioned how in his old band (death metal LOL) he was pretty much the financial life support! He said "I had so much passion, and I was putting so much into it, but it was like nobody else cared!" That really struck a nerve with me because that's how I feel about this band sometimes! If I one other person who had the same type of drive as I do in this band, it could really encourage the rest of the guys to get on board!

Second off, he was mad chill! Apparently, he is a phenomenal guitarist, and we will find out soon if he can pull it off!

And third off, he's a mad good looking dude! It's funny, that wasn't our goal when we auditioned guitarists! We aren't aiming to be cute or hot. We just want to play good music! But now it's insane, cause I'm like the ugliest guy in the band hahaha! But it's awesome, cause it makes me feel more confident that we can sell these 2500 CDs and sell em fast!

I'm also going to sit down and talk to Mike about starting this record label. We're going to start by releasing our band's CD under the name, and then use our "getting big" to help recruit other bands like us! Hopefully it will eventually become a Drive-Thru records type of thing, and we can have a bunch of great bands and bring back awesome fucking music!

Honestly, I'm super motivated today! Things are looking waaaay up! Plus, I started sending out emails on myspace again! We've been consistantly getting 400+ plays a day! I woke up this morning and we had 22 new messages! I got off work this afternoon, and we had 13 new messages, and 10 friend requests! I know it doesn't seem like MUCH if you are a HUGE band, but the difference is we are still new! Our myspace is 4 months old! And we haven't even played a freaking show yet! This is only based on the music! This says something, right? Well I sure hope so : ) !

The future is bright man! 2 more days of work until I'm off for three weeks! I can't wait! : D

Frustrated!

With all the good things going on musically, I still cannot find band members who are as serious about this as I am! It's driving me insane! I feel like I eat, breathe, sleep, shit this band, and these guys it's just like casual. That's why I have this stupid blog, to bitch about things like this!

I can't let it demotivate me though. It's always been the problem in the past! These things start happening, and I lose motivation!

Z-Soundtrack #1: Punk Rock Rulebook - 88 Fingers Louie

Z-Soundtrack posts are blog posts where I speak about songs that have someway helped shape the songwriter I have become, or have meant a lot to me. I will post these every once in awhile, sometimes more than once in a day! Basically whenever I think about a song that ROCKS!

----------------

Song: Punk Rock Rulebook
Artist: 88 Fingers Louie
Year: 97-99 or some shit?
Year I first heard it: Late 1999

I've decided to do the first song based on a song that really helped shape my views of the "selling out" critique. As a highschooler listening to punk rock (Face to Face, Mxpx, Millencolin, Dogwood...etc.) it was extremely quotidian to say "Blink 182 are sellouts!" during this year. If you are young (like 11-17, since I have no idea what the hell our fanbase will look like), let me explain: In 1999 Blink 182 came out with an album called "Enema of the State". It included 3 hit songs, "What's my age again?", "All the Small Things" and "Adam's Song", all which got a ton of mainstream air time, as well as peaking on MTV's TRL. Blink 182 was huge. I'd try to relate them to nowadays All Time Low, except All Time Low isn't anywhere near as big as Blink was. Blink sold over 10 million album worldwide, I think ATL sold like over 100,000. Big difference. I guess you can compare Blink more accurately to like Lady Gaga nowadays (in terms of fame).

Blink started out as a local band in San Diego. I never saw them play, because living in San Diego I never really was into pop punk. I had beautiful weather, I didn't need music to help me escape. It wasn't until NY that I got into this sound.

So when I first heard PUNK ROCK RULEBOOK, I was originally attracted to the hard pop punk sound, similiar to Dogwood, and the sick bass line, drum fill in the first 5 seconds. I never really read the lyrics until a couple years later, when I realized what the song was about!

"Don't talk to me about selling out,
cause I won't be listening
you're just another jaded kid,
who doesn't see

I'm making money
that's quickly spent
I've got a family and you ain't gotta worry about the rent

Is it too much to ask? Do me a favor close that punk rock rulebook
Cause times have changed and so have I, I need to get by

Don't think I'd blindly take this all
without asking questions
You've waited years for me to fall
and I'm still here

You think you're clever
what do you know?
The punk bandwagon's taken you where you don't want to go"

They make an excellent point. I'm guessing the song was written about their signing to Hopeless records. They were probably another local band, and after signing, people talked shit all the time. My real question to any bands that are big playing music that they love: Why the hell do you care what kids say about your band? Don't defend yourselves as not being sellouts to children! It's so much easier for you to talk when your mom and dad buy you everything. Once these kids get a taste of the real world, maybe then they can talk about what a "sellout" is.

Not only do they bring this awesome point, but they downplay the "cleverness" of it. You're not unique, smart, intelligent, if you call a band "sellout". That's pure ignorance. Especially depending on what band you're talking about!

Why you should care: Other than an awesome message, if you are into ALL TIME LOW, and the whole HOPELESS RECORDS thing, 88 Fingers is an old veteran of Hopeless Records, released a long time ago. I'd strongly suggest picking up "BACK ON THE STREETS" where you will find a ton of awesome hard pop punk tracks. Includes awesome catchy songs such as this one, Joyboy, Elmer's, Selfish Means, 100 Proof and Admission! Listen to them all!

This is what you should look like after working out!

YEAH DUDE! BURN THAT FAT!

I can't wait to change the world

It's not that times are rough, or that I'm upset...it's just I'm sitting on about 17 tracks of amazing songs, and I can't wait until the world gets to hear it. I really can't wait to save lives, change lives, and make new friends. I hope I never change who I am. I'm so blessed to have this opportunity. I've said it a million times, thanks God/Jesus for everything I've got yo! I want to make this world a better place with music!

Music Scene = Blechhh

I'm irritated with what's going on in the music scene. I guess the thing that pisses me off the most about it, is at this moment, I'm entirely helpless to do anything about it!

When a band like "THE MILLIONARES" and "BROKENCYDE" are playing Warped Tour, there is seriously something wrong with the music scene. But who do we blame? Since I tend to play devil's advocate, I'm going to point the fingers at the bands who make REAL music, not the shitty bands who are smart enough to exploit the wallets of idiots who spend money on these shows/albums.

When bands start talking about politics, and depressing shit constantly, people say "hey we want to hear something silly, or happy!" That's how terrible people that are involved in the above bands wind up on WARPED TOUR.

I guess one of the things that bothers me more than anything is ANY band that consists of a person, or persons that are incredibly rich. I'll straight up say it, a local band around here called "PUSH PLAY", that for some inexplicable reason is "big". I soon found out that the mom is a multi millionaire.

I'm just curious. Do these pieces of shit that become "rockstars" because of tons of cash to back them up, actually have a soul? Do they wake up one day and say "wow I want to be a rockstar mom!" Do they get dumped by their rich girlfriend and then decide that suddenly their soul is conjuring up music that the world needs to hear? I mean, I don't get it!

I don't really get angry about a lot of things, and earlier I was intent on writing a blog about how pissed I am that I have nothing to bitch about. But this is something I feel I need to write about it. It's a joke!

Look, my songs aren't CLAPTON material, but they're all from the fucking heart dude! Nah, fuck that, they're straight from the soul! Incontrovertibly, it comes from inside! I feel like anyone who's got songs that aren't like that, should be banned from playing music!

To ban them, people have to stop buying their CDs. To get people to stop buying their cds, other people have to start making good music! And stop talking about politics! Mainly I'm talking about bands like Green Day! These rich rockstars are still bitching about America? Can you really bitch about the land you rape?

Really, if I become rich one day, I guess I'll plan on hanging this up. That's why I only want to have 3 albums. I have 3 albums worth of stellar material now, and I never want to write songs because I want to sell out. I want to use the songs I have, and when my soul feels like it's got no more words to put into music, I'll hang up the guitar! People are so out of touch.

And I'm a little stressed today because my band was supposed to practice all day, and nobody is here. It's 7pm, and I've been at the studio all day by myself working ons hit. I'm angry because everyday we don't practice is another day that we could be saving the music scene. Everyday that SUMMERS LAST WAVE does nothing, is another day that we are wasting our lives. It's another soul that could have been saved by one of our songs. It's another person who could have said "holy shit, I always wondered what happened to this style of pop punk?"

I also want to only do 3 albums because I never want to change my sound. Most people expect you to "develop and mature". It's something that can be done without changing your sound entirely. I notice too many of these new "electronica/white boy rap" bands were former emo kids that changed scenes only when they realized they were going nowhere.

And when I see another band that tries to "look cute" and writes terribly generic songs, I almost want to laugh at any girl that falls for it! I mean, yeah it's different being a dude. That's why we don't listen to that shit. But why the hell would anyone start a band with the main goal to be "sell music to girls!" Why shouldn't your goal be "make music for everybody!"

Well, in case you hadn't guessed, thats my goal! Full length should be done in about a month, and everything I just bitched about here, will be displayed in one of my songs! Blah blah blah, back to singing practice! There is a terrible band in the other room, and I'm getting sick of hearing it!

Superhero!

1. 3AM/New

2. Grow Older

3. Perfect Man

4. Knock Knock Knock

5. Coolwater

6. I can be...

7. Big! Big! Big!

8. Superhero

9. (You may think I'm crazy)

10. (Sunshine is one cloud away)

11. Daydream

12. (Days go by)

13. Say Hello to Sunshine

Grrrr Yo!

Pre-pro starts tomorrow, and I still gotta finish writing lyrics dammmit!

I also have to get tempos for each song, save copies of the songs without bass for Mike, and I don't know...other things?

Little stressed about it, but it's okay. When it's all finished, this album will be amazing!!! I hope to be done by October!

Inexplicable!

I guess the best part about life is that things happen that sometime we don't expect! Crazy things, that we never could have guessed were heading our way, happen when we least expect it! Sometimes something feels like the right road, and sometimes it's completely wrong. But sometimes, ya gotta have faith that in the end, everything will come together the way it's meant to be!

I begin pre-pro for the album on Thursday! I'm nervous, because by the time this is all said and done, I will be about 20-30K in debt! This is a make or break time, and I can't begin, and then quit! It's all or nothing now!

I showed our producer Mike the 9 songs I wanted to do (along with 5 from our demo, 1 acoustic, and 1 other song that I didn't track yet!) He thought all of them were great! He listened through every song, and mentioned his favorite parts, as far as lines, and music. It's mad awesome to see that I'm not the only one who's got high hopes for this album!

Tired

Feeling good this morning...I'm still tired though dammit!

It sucks, I notice that I write a lot less when my life is happy! When I'm angry, pissed, sad...etc., I seem to write nonstop, and it always makes me feel better! I don't know why that is! Maybe cause when I'm feeling those negative feelings, I want to get them out! And when I'm happy, I want to keep them in!

With the upcoming full length, there is a lot of pressure, but I'm taking it in stride. Just the idea that I'll be able to have a full album with all my songs sounding like our demo, or better, is awesome! I'm really excited. Even if SLW goes absolutely nowhere, and I'm paying off debt to the studio for 3-4 years, I really won't care. The fact that I'll finally have a real CD with my songs is amazing!

But the CD will consist of "something for everyone", which may wind up hurting us in the long run. Generally labels (when they get involved) will try to dictate what songs are on the album, and which ones aren't. That's why, at least for one CD, I will have creative control and make the decisions. I can pursue what I've always wanted to pursue.

Honestly, this is a major dream of mine. I've pursued it twice in the past (2002 and 2004) recording 17 song full length albums, before giving it up because they sounded bad. But now, I must keep the motivation up. I can't give up! Once I go 20K in debt, with no contract signed, I'll have to push this to be the best album I could possibly imagine! So I try looking at this in a practical way: People want to be responsible, and prefer not to go 20k in debt, especially when they have an active car loan as well as an active loan, as well as minor credit debt! Honestly, I don't care! I figure that we live one time, and one time only! If I died after releasing this album, I would not care about how much debt I incurred. My music would live on after my body left this world! So is it worth it? Well, I think I answered that question...

I plan on calling the album "LUCKY", because that was the first song that started this new style. I wrote it in January 2003, and it's really the first time I wrote a pop punk song that reflected my ability to write songs from my soul. All you non-artists probably don't understand what that means. But prior to that, a lot of the shit I wrote was like textbook Blink 182. Plus, the theme of the album goes well with the message in LUCKY.

I want to take pictures for each song in the lyric book to give listeners an idea of where the song takes me when I listen to it! I want this album to be 100% worth $10 (or more of course haha!) I want people to buy it so I can pay off all the debt I will owe the studio. Then, they can buy it if the music speaks to them! Until then, we will be hitting up Hot Topics and malls on Long Island, NYC, Jersey, CT, MA, PA...as far as we can on the east coast! We need to pay back debt ASAP!